It's official - I no longer exist!

[DrSeuss]

Another batch of cards this morning addressed to the mystery woman who lives in my house. I did not take my husband's name on marriage thirteen years ago, although I have no problem if others want to do so. I could understand if people addressed cards to X and Y Thingy, but what's with the whole Mr and Mrs X Thingy? My initial isn't X, my surname isn't Thingy. Et voila, I have ceased to exist! Most of these come from DH's family, who were at the wedding. I have learned to spell one Polish surname, one Italian and one Japanese in order to address cards to in-laws. Is it really asking too much for them to learn one simple English first name and a very short Scottish surname? I Know it's only a little thing but I do find it annoying!

nickel - because it is quite normal for someone to be called Mrs Husbands name whereas it isn't normal to call Jane, Louise. Some people feel they are doing things the correct way no matter what the person says, and prefer to use Mrs Husband's name. Some people forget or maybe they wrote the name and then remembered they had kept their maiden name and didn't want to to waste an envelope. I am sure it is mostly innocent and not malicious.

How can it be rude when it happens to almost every single woman, given in our society there is no accepted way to address us nor any firm convention on names after marriage/living together/having children? If it were so easy to remember all the permutations of Ms/Miss/Dr whatever, plus any assortment of the surname, then surely people would do it. Your friends and relations aren't in general trying to diss you in some unspecified way, they are working their way through a christmas list, aren't that sure, so just bung down 'the Cornetto family'. As for the person who said they were going to return their birthday cards if incorrectly addressed, well, don't worry, I'm guessing you won't be deluged by cards at all next year. Words really do fail me.

I don't think it's rude because on a small christmas card I would never fit both names on the envelope. It is just a quicker way to complete the many christmas cards I send.

As my sister and friends take no offence what soever[they receive many cards addressed to Mr and Mrs..] I dont see it as a problem. I recieve letters/bills addressed to my husband, which are for both of us, I dont worry about it.

I would add, if it is a birthday card I do address the envelope to "Ms Maiden Name"

I just the OP saying she dosen't exsist anymore is a rather silly statement.

Actually, I'm a secondary school teacher and I ALWAYS check the parent's name before contacting them for any reason. Likewise, I ALWAYS check with the child the name of the person I will be meeting when making appointments for parents' evening. It only takes seconds and makes a far better impression than addressing the parent of child A as Mrs A, only to be told that she's Miss B.
If I have to ring the parent of a badly behaved child to discuss what is to be done with them, it doesn't help to begin the conversation by using the wrong name and then having to apologise.

Santa-it's called hyperbole.

DrSeuss, my sisters DC are at primary school, so the exchanges are less formal than secondary. My sister has said there are many occassions, usually at the beginning of term where the class teacher will say in the playground "On Mrs [childs surname] can I have a quick word" She does politely remind them, but if some teachers continue to use her Dcs name it relly doesnot worry her.

I have just written today a pile of Xmas cards and to my unmarried friends i just write:

To: John and Amy and family.

Problem solved

ItalianLady, yes, I do see where you're coming from, but that doesn't change the fact that it's rude not to call someone what they've asked you to call them.
and I would prefer an envelope that had been corrected once they'd remembered, or a phone call or message through a friend saying that they are aware they got it wrong and sorry, but usually, it's because they think they're right, even though they've been told otherwise!
(relatives are usually the worst for this)

and if you don't know (or are unsure) then ask, it doesn't hurt!
(or, in my case, if they don't know, then just put DH's name on the envelope - that's less insulting than giving me the wrong name!)

I am prone to getting mental blocks as to people's names. What I do is address the card to whomever I know best. For example if I work with Ms X who is married to Mr Y the chances if remembering his name is slim. I would therefore address the card to Ms X and family. If it was Mr Y I knew then it would be Mr Y and family.

onetoomany don't be mean. I am astounded how many people think I'm the one being rude by asking people to call me by my name.

Nickle-you would expect a phone call if someone gets your name wrong??

I think people are taking alot of offence where none was intended.

I would just say that if you get a christmas card "wrongly" addressed, instead of getting angry, have a little christmas spirit and think "oh how kind"

xstitch - exactly - why can't that be the default? and if it's your friend or relative, you'll know if it's Mrs, Miss or Ms for a woman.

Quick - I would expect someone to acknowledge if they know they've got my name wrong, if they've done it by mistake and realised, rather than if they've done it on purpose just to annoy me or "put me in my place"
because that's what it feels like.

I've not changed.
at all, in any way.

and believe me, i have relatives who do it on purpose - two can play that game)

I call myself "Ms. Staranise [maiden name]" but nearly all our Christmas cards are addressed to Mr and Mrs [married name].

I can't say it really bothers me in the slightest even though I insist on Ms & maiden name in my day-to-day life - I have enough trouble remembering people's names/children's names/addresses and then getting Christmas cards out on time to mind when people make what is a very easy mistake.

The only time it bothers me is when my family send me cheques in my married name that can't be cashed!

but that's why it's such an important matter, star - if people send you cheques you can't cash!
I'm not changing my bank account over to Mr P just so that I can cash one chequ a year! (and I've asked - they won't let you have both names on one account at my bank)

and that's just made me have palpitations, too - I don't think any of them sends me cheques for birthday anymore.

I've sent a little note to my cousin to tell aunt and uncle to change their address book, so that it can't happen again.
I told her i felt like a grump doing it!

We also get a lot of cards addressed to "The {married name]s" - if it said this "and Ms Staranise" it would look rather odd.

Also, TBH, most of my friends don't even know that I would call myself 'Ms' instead of 'Mrs' - why would they if the subject has never arisen? Likewise, though they are probably aware I use my maiden name for work/email etc, msot people do adopt their hisband's name therefore I don't really find it very offensive that they have made this assumption about me.

I'm not married but cards come addressed to 'Mr and Mrs Michael Jones' (Michael Jones being DP's name)

I do take exception.

I am not married, I do not intend to be married, no we have not been married and not invited you, EVEN if I was married I would not be a Mrs, I would not be a Jones and I most certainly would not be a Michael. I am not a subsidiary of my DP. I am a person with my own name. My family do not address cards to Mrs and Mr Normality Bites so why should DP's family address to Mr and Mrs Michael Jones? Why on earth can't you just put 'Michael and Normality' then the address?

It floors me every time I see MIL doing it to her own married daughters. She named those women and raised those women and the only indication she means to address the sentiments of the card to them and not solely their husbands is the '& Mrs'

I find it shocking.

If my DD ever marries, whether she takes his nname or not, I will write cards to both of them.

To be fair, my bank always lets me cash them after a little quibbling as it's a joint account - plus, as you say, sadly cheques are far and few between these days!

YANBU

When you've told people that you're Ms X and not Mrs Y and they insist on calling you Mrs Y then it's both rude and disrespectful.

I crossly harumphed at an ex boyfriend who was sending a card to his grandparents as 'Mr & Mrs J [lastname]' until he pointed out their names were James and June!

My and my partner would have the same thing if we got married. We actually would be 'Mr & Mrs H. Smith' (for example), assuming I became a Mrs.

I might be more inclined to think "Oh how kind" if I didn't repeatedly read comments here along the lines of "I cannot be bothered to write out every single surname". My surname is only four letters long; if a someone really "can't be bothered" to write it out once a year then my instinctive reaction is, surprisingly enough, not to be touched by how much I evidently mean to them.

In fact, I don't really get stressed about it except when reading threads like this where I think "gosh, maybe it is that my friends don't care enough about me to be 'bothered' to write four extra letters".

I get cheques I can't cash, too. I get more stressed about that.

Have you spoken to your bank about the cheques? I've had this problem too, with an aunt who always writes my cheques out to Mrs DH, or sometimes to Mrs Planet-DH, but never to Mrs/Ms PlanetEarth. I had to take in my marriage certificate and they made a note on my account enabling me to cash cheques in all these names.

That sounds super annoying. My DP is getting a taste of something similar with a contractor who's working with us right now. They know my surname is Pansy and have extrapolated somehow that I am Mrs Pansy (actually I am Dr Pansy, or Ms); they conclude therefore there must be a Mister Pansy from whom I got the name Pansy, and send bills for their work addressed to 'Mr Pansy'. They have never met my DP or had any evidence of his existence -- I have always dealt with them solo. In fact, he does exist, but his name is Dr Begonia. He has thus been married off to me and stripped of his surname and doctorate in one fell swoop. I am also offended because they assume my name is not my own and that I am not to be troubled with financial matters. I would like this mystery man to pay the bills though .