It's official - I no longer exist!

[DrSeuss]

Another batch of cards this morning addressed to the mystery woman who lives in my house. I did not take my husband's name on marriage thirteen years ago, although I have no problem if others want to do so. I could understand if people addressed cards to X and Y Thingy, but what's with the whole Mr and Mrs X Thingy? My initial isn't X, my surname isn't Thingy. Et voila, I have ceased to exist! Most of these come from DH's family, who were at the wedding. I have learned to spell one Polish surname, one Italian and one Japanese in order to address cards to in-laws. Is it really asking too much for them to learn one simple English first name and a very short Scottish surname? I Know it's only a little thing but I do find it annoying!

It's martial vs. marital (similar pun employed in one Pratchett book where innocent newly-engaged couple send away for a book on "marital arts" (hoping for kama sutra-like guidance) but accidentally order one on "martial arts" (i.e. self-defence handbook) and get very confused...)

...and 'cos you said martial when you meant marital I was making a very weak joke...

oh! haha no that was a good joke. i'm just too sleep deprived to have spotted it.

Calling someone Jane when their name is Louise is not the same as calling someone Mrs husband's name when they haven't changed it at all .

yes, it is ItalianLady - because Jane isn't her name and neither is Mrs Husband's name.

in fact, it's worse - why would you get her name right, then she signs a bit of paper and you suddenly get her name wrong?

I have now printed out sheets of stickers with Ms A Don & Mr I P on them

mentioned to DH about putting Mr & Mrs hermaidenname, but he said no.

I've told DH that if I get birthday cards this year addressed to Mrs P, i'm sending them back "not known at this address"

i don't care who it offends, because I've been offended first.

Interesting. I work in a job where I get invited to lots of events in the evenings. DH is often invited by virtue of being my spouse. All the invites are always addressed to Mrs and Mr (My first name) (My last name). I don't think it has ever bothered him. But I can see why it would be irritating and a little offensive.

well I'm not married and I get cards addressed to Mr and Mrs OH's surname

doesn't bother me particularly, I assume they just don't want to have to write out a list of names on the card, lol

I kept my name when I got married and we get all kinds of entertaining permutations of our names. It doesn't bother me in the slightest because it is still unusual (I don't know anyone else who's done it) and we get just as many Mr and Mrs Prof and we do Mr and Mrs Husbandname. Quite a number of people stick to just our first names.

What does annoy me is the in-laws persistent, deliberate refusal to use our dc's surname because they've got my maiden name (at dh's insistence)

There is clearly only one solution here:

Address your cards to these people to Mrs and Mr (woman's initial) (woman's surname).

Honestly, this is year 2010, in my country that antiquated way of addressing people went out of use 50 years ago.

I think etiquette should be about good manners and thoughtfulness - in this day and age, that should be calling people by their proper name, full stop.

My Mum and Dad both get v annoyed when a few of his older relatives address things to Mr & Mrs Dad'sfullname.

Mind you, at least they acknowledge my Mum's existence, albeit as my Dad's chattel - on the maternal side of DP's family, his Grandma and aunts send Xmas cards to him only (we've been living together for years). When he once asked them politely why, they said it was because we weren't married yet (as though that makes it perfectly understandable and polite)

Our baby is going to be Baby Myname Hisname - can't wait to see them handle that one, heheh!

Re: Ms - I've been a Ms since my 16th birthday (1988!). As soon as I registered as pg in September, the NHS defaulted my title to Miss and I've had a hell of a time making them change it back! How odd.

if you can't fit more than one name on the card, then just put one of the people on the bloody card

don't call one person by a different name just so you can fit the names on!

if it's mr X-Y and Ms E-Z then put either Ms E-Z or mr X-Y , not Mrs and Mrs X-Y.

mr & Mrs i meant.

I have taken my husband's name but get annoyed by the number of cards etc addressed to Mr and Mrs E when actually it is Mr and Dr E. Not trying to make a fuss but I have worked bloomin' hard for that Dr title and there's always the thought in my mind that if it was the man that was the Dr it would be more likely to be acknowledged.

were you married when you got your Dr? I think you have to use the name you had when you became Dr, so if you weren't married, then you can't be Dr hisname.

It's definitely an age thing i'm afraid. My MIL rang me in a right flap asking what to write on a card to a friend who had lost her husband recently. She wanted to know whether to put Mrs husband initial + surname or Mrs her initial and surname. I told her it was an old fashioned policy and to write what the hell she liked. If divorced though it would be very rude to put mrs husband initial and surname but i bet that has been done hee-hee!

When MY DH and got married (a million years ago) we were sent a cheque from his grandmother with Mr + Mrs husband surname. I had to ring and ask her (very politely )to please send another as we have separate bank accounts - she was most surprised. Funnily enough we now do have one joint one for our mortgage but just out of convenience not because we should.

It is rude to continue to ignore your request and reminders of your name and so YADNU - ha!

Yep pretty sure you're right Nickel because we have a doctor friend who kept her name for that reason. Also know several teachers who also kept their name to save confusion.

Well I always address my cards to Mr and Mrs Smith-whether they are married or not. I cannot be bothered to write out every single surname.
My sister and best friend are married but have kept maiden names. They dont care who calls them what, as long as its either their name or their husbands. They both acknowledge that it can be confusing for people as a] they might not know and b]they may have forgotten.
This happens alot at their Dcs schools. As my sister says, the teachers have enough names to remember without the added worry of some mothers who have different names to their DC, having a go at them!!

Am with a lot of you here. I didn't change my name when we married, I was very clear on that at the time, and do get very annoyed when MIL people insist on addressing letters to me using his first initial and surname. MIL was most upset when I mentioned to her for the tenth second time that I hadn't changed my name and am still Miss (not keen on the Ms thing). Her answer was 'but what shall I call you' probably what she has been calling me for the 10 years I was with her son before marriage!

QuickLookBusySanta, don't you think that's a bit... well, rude? Fair enough if your sisters genuinely don't care, but to dismiss the whole preference of a significant number of women as such a trivial thing that you can't be bothered with... hm. Strikes me as unfailingly rude, but then I also take the time to remember people's names when they're introduced, and I always try to make other people feel comfortable when I interact with them. Silly old me!

Happens to me often. In fact there are many variants, eg Ms His Surname, Mrs My Surname etc. Have given up caring.