It's official - I no longer exist!

[DrSeuss]

Another batch of cards this morning addressed to the mystery woman who lives in my house. I did not take my husband's name on marriage thirteen years ago, although I have no problem if others want to do so. I could understand if people addressed cards to X and Y Thingy, but what's with the whole Mr and Mrs X Thingy? My initial isn't X, my surname isn't Thingy. Et voila, I have ceased to exist! Most of these come from DH's family, who were at the wedding. I have learned to spell one Polish surname, one Italian and one Japanese in order to address cards to in-laws. Is it really asking too much for them to learn one simple English first name and a very short Scottish surname? I Know it's only a little thing but I do find it annoying!

yanbu!

I've taken dh's surname but not his initial! I still get birthday cards sent to me from dh's family written to Mrs (Dh's initial and surname). Now obviously I don't mind the surname as i've taken it but not his first name.

when i mentioned it to fil he said "but dh isn't dead so of course you'd be known by his initial!"

Is that how it works, i only get my first name back if dh dies before me?

I have written down in my address book every name and address of who i send cards to.
when they marry, i ask them what their name will be afterwards.
i write that in my address book.

Nan - actually, you only get your initial back if you divorce him - if he dies, you're still referred to by his initial "out of respect"

YANBU, can't stand it. Mrs. Y Thingy I could manage, but Mrs. X Thingy? I am still a person too!
Would your inlaws send a birthday card to yout DS addressed as "Son of X Thingy" or would they rather use his first name?

(and i put their children's names in too)

YANBU. I had this from both my parents and my in-laws and despite pointing out that I was still Ms Vallhala Bloggs several times they deliberately ignored me. That really pissed me off - make a mistake, fine, but to have continued to call me someone else's name after being asked not to was just bloody rude.

My parents also tried this when I changed DD2s name by solicitor's statement. They continued to call her by her former name, again despite my protests and explanations. Finally (not for the first time when I've done something unconventional but perfectly legit, such as, for example, home educate), my S-father said, "Well, it itsn't even legal, is it?".

So I sent them a copy of the change of name document which my solicitor had drawn up, complete with lawyer's signature and seal. Then I suggested that they didn't have anythng to do with my children if they were so concerned about mixing with the daughters of a criminal.

Suddenly DD2 started being called by the name I'd chosen. Odd that. :o

Oh well that's just bleddy ridiculous!

Stangirl, we're not married either (and I wouldn't change my name if we were) but we still get cards from DPs relatives addressed to Mr and Mrs Hisname .

I would never assume someone had changed their name to their husbands unless they told me they had, lots of women I work with or know socially have not changed theirs, either for professional reasons (publication record) or because it just isn't normally done in their culture (thinking of Spanish and Chinese for example).

"because etiquette dictates that you're addressed as Mrs J Smith,"

Really?

In the 21st century?

I know that a letter to both of us would be Mr & Mrs J Smith.

Here (germany), joint letters are addressed to Mr J Smith & Mrs A Smith.

Some problem here. When I see cards addressed to Mrs (dh's surname), I think they are for dd1, especially as we have the same first initial. Even my mother calls me my dh's surname.

YABU

The address on the front is to make sure it gets to the right house and that the people in the house know who is 'allowed' to open it, you know it means you - so why all the fuss? It's what is written inside the card that counts.

I have lots of family/friends that aren't married and I write to A & B Smith - sometimes the smith is his name and sometimes it's hers. It takes long enough to write Christmas cards & envelopes without faffing around making sure you get all the names on the envelope

Mr J Williams, Ms B Thompson, Master J Golding, Miss K Golding, Miss T Jones and Miss L Williams-Thompson

and that is what I would need to write to address the envelope correctly to one set of friends!

What about when it gets really complicated by people who address cards to the whole family, eg. The Smith Family when actually there is Mr Smith, Ms Jones and DCs who could have either name, both names or an entirely different name?

YANBU to be cross when it is done through thoughtlessness, however wouldn't bother me. Same as it doesn't bother me that I still, years after getting married and changing my name, am receiving post from companies to Miss S Maidenname even though they have been informed. Or that my family still refer to me as S Maidenname when talking to other family 'in case someone doesn't know who I am'. Bonkers.

X-posts with ChippingIn who actually went to the trouble of writing out all the names.

ChippingIn exactly -! Its possible to take offence at so many things the big issues get missed. There is real racism and discrimination going on out there - the back of an envelope is not important

I have every sympathy with you Dr Seuss (and everyone else). Same thing happens to me. Fortunately most people seem to manage to get the correct name! I?ve found the best way to deal with it is just to joke with my husband about how dim/ old fashioned/ rude they are (delete as appropriate!).He agrees and actually gets more annoyed than I do about it. If they know your name, yet still insist on calling you the incorrect one, then they?re clearly only doing it to get a reaction, so the best thing to do is to rise above it!

it really annoys me that this WAS the convention. nowadays less than half the couples i know are mr & mrs x, and NONE of them use mr & mrs his initial x. i'm in my 40s so hardly cutting edge modernity.

however, my parents are VERY set in their ways. recently, we were discussing this & my dad was completely floored by my best friend's situation. she never married her partner, so she is still the name they knew her by since she was 8. their kids have her dp's family name. my dad was convinced that it was ILLEGAL to have the dad's name given to the kids unless they were married. i pointed out that the official registrar would hardly allow it.

personally, i think we should all be given a name at birth, use mr for men, ms for women, and just not change it. when registering a birth, both parents should be present. if not there, they don't get named.

all this thing about surnames is just to show ownership, basically of the women and children, by the men.

i like to get inventive with addressing envelopes, e.g. 'she who must be obeyed and her man' works well.

I have friends who are married and have kept their names - they are okay with us all putting "hersurname-hissurname" as the name on the envelope.
i wouldn't do it if i had been told not to!

if it was to a whole family who al lhad differnt names, i would address it to one person - whoever it was that was my friend/family member

kickass "however, my parents are VERY set in their ways. recently, we were discussing this & my dad was completely floored by my best friend's situation. she never married her partner, so she is still the name they knew her by since she was 8. their kids have her dp's family name. my dad was convinced that it was ILLEGAL to have the dad's name given to the kids unless they were married. i pointed out that the official registrar would hardly allow it."

it is , however, illegal for the father to force the mother to use his surname. maybe that's what he was mixing up - the decision is the mother's, even if the father disagrees.

"my dad was convinced that it was ILLEGAL to have the dad's name given to the kids unless they were married. i pointed out that the official registrar would hardly allow it."

Kickassangel, are your Dad and my StepDad related? :o

my mum was convinced it was illegal for me to keep my own name when i got married.

god knows where she got that!

I would put another of the address stickers inside the card itself so they have double the chance of spotting it.

good idea, Mum!

i have a friend who does that (but she's not married and never will be

)

Hello from another person who doesn't exist according to DH's dotty old aunts who don't agree that some things in life are a choice, and will make that point in not-so-subtle childish ways until the day they die.

So, Mr. X-Y and Ms. X-Y (us) becomes Mr. and Mrs. X

I've pointed it out twice, politely, thinking they just didn't know, but they do. First I considered calling them "Ms. SomeRandomSurname" on their written cards, but I realised I'd just be as childish as them - they choose to be known as Mrs ABC so I should show I'm a more mature person by respecting that :) I do wish they'd return the favour though!

YANBU - it annoys me too.

Although I am also guilty of it - when a friend of mine got married I sent them a card addressed to Mr and Mrs Summer. Found out about two months later that his surname isn't even Summer, I'd remembered it wrong. And she didn't change her name anyway so doubly wrong! I blamed it on pregancy brain. I have written all names down properly in my address book now!

Amusingly we have just received two Christmas cards from the cattery we use - one addressed to Mrs DPsurname and one addressed to Mr MySurname. They have obviously got their records confused somewhere! I would be upset if it was from family though.