It's official - I no longer exist!

[DrSeuss]

Another batch of cards this morning addressed to the mystery woman who lives in my house. I did not take my husband's name on marriage thirteen years ago, although I have no problem if others want to do so. I could understand if people addressed cards to X and Y Thingy, but what's with the whole Mr and Mrs X Thingy? My initial isn't X, my surname isn't Thingy. Et voila, I have ceased to exist! Most of these come from DH's family, who were at the wedding. I have learned to spell one Polish surname, one Italian and one Japanese in order to address cards to in-laws. Is it really asking too much for them to learn one simple English first name and a very short Scottish surname? I Know it's only a little thing but I do find it annoying!

I have a very elderly distant relative who does the
Mrs HusbandInitial surname thing.

It is a bit but also kind of impressive as I am a distant relative, she has only met DH once but took the time to remember his name and old fashionably'correctly' address the letters.

What I find more is MIL addressing DH as Mr rather than Dr - you would think she would remember and be proud. Apparently when challenged she claims she cannot remember the title for doctor .

Have a friend who finished her PhD but her DH had not. Most people wrote Mr and Mrs rather than use DR for her - which when it was family upset her. When he did finally get his PhD their letters changed to Dr and Mrs Friend.

I did take DH surname upon marriage ? his was more unusual ? was surprised how complex and drawn out the whole process was and the whole you want to what ? from so many companies as if they had never heard of it before.

I think a stern letter is in order to the contracts manger there WildPansy. Honestly you wonder if some people live in a different age.

contactors contracts

If the cards are from the older generation you just have to let it go.

You cannot change the elderly. At least you got a card be thankful for that and stop whinging about your so called rights.

classydiva
If the cards are from the older generation you just have to let it go

do for the 80 year old - but do think late 50s MIL should be addressing her sons mail correctly as my late 60s parents manage it.

The OP has made an effort accommodate her relatives if she has expressed a wish on how to be addresses is it not polite to accommodate it? At what age are you except from manners 50, 60, 70 ?

except exempt

Honestly I can not get the words right tonight .

Haven't read all of the thread, but as someone in my mid 40s, I am always slightly as to how to address envelopes to unmarried couples. I don'e want to write Mr x and Ms Y as that seems untidy and wrong (I know that's only in my mind!)

Is anyone else thinking of the friends episode when Rachel's friends are telling her she's going to be "Mrs Dr Barry whatever" :o
Not only did she get a new first and last name, but she got awarded the easiest medical degree / PhD ever!

I usaully do :

J Someone and F PeaBody

or Jane Someone or Fred PeaBody

I suppose you could always just put an address on it - but then anyone in house might have it.

Reminds me of one I am never sure of :

Tangoer Family
Address

Always seems odd - as if someone is shouting - hey anyone of you bloody lot over there! May just be me though.

For people my age or younger I'll sometimes just put "Jane and Fred" or sometimes "Jane Someone and Fred Peabody".

Hee-hee stealth - Mrs Dr Barry Forber, then didn't she quote some other letters too

YADNBU

DS consultant adressed DS results letter as follows.

Re DS xxx-yyy

Mr and Mrs xxx-yyy.

Firstly its Miss yyy and Mr xxx-zzz (Spanish names and its how they do it) and Mr doesn't and never has lived here.

Fair enough unlike your IL's she may not know but still a little preumptious.

I actually like people keeping their name when married, I have said I'll never lose mine as DS has it as part of his and its part of who we our and our lives together. I know people say it shows unity etc but then let the man take the ladies surname! Change it from maiden name to masters name.

I think if you're getting your knickers in a twist about this you need more in your life to think about. Honestly the things people get upset about really baffle me! It's hardly one of life's big upsets, is it?

I am not even married to DP and we get cards addressed to 'A & M DPsname' or the 'DPsname family' - that really annoys me. Then some others ask how they should address cards to us... um...with our actual names maybe.

Ok lads, lets put it simply.

Which one of these is rude?

a) Would you mind terribly calling me by my actual name (that I have already told you), rather than, say, not my name? Thanks so much.

or

b) I will call you what I want because either I can't be bothered to write/remember your name, or because I know better than you do what you should be called. And don't complain about it.

Straw poll maybe?

Bonnie Prince Billie I think you've just summed up the whole thread!

BonnyPrinceBilly, spot on!

The person who told me it was 'illegal' to use my maiden name was the doctor's receptionist - hence that is the only place where I am registered under my husband's surname.

I don't worry about it - all my life my Christian name has been incorrectly spelt - and I'm called both surnames. DH's name is used particularly by children related people.

There are more important things in life to get upset about.

I haven't read the whole thread but it drives me INSANE when people get my name wrong. I have a commonly misspelt first name and my surname (which I took when I got married) is often given an extra vowel.

This may not seem that important but recently resulted in all my NHS records being combined with someone elses. This meant that when I went to my recent MW appt I heard all about the other lady's previous pregnancy, labour etc.

Getting names right matters, people!

Amazed that someone way back in this thread thought it was "right on" to insist on one's name!!

How about how fecking rude it is to persist in misnaming after many instructions to the contrary?

I always ask women how they wish to be addressed.

Simples, innit?

I have also had the opposite problem. My name often presents problems abroad, so I tend to be called by an easier version of it which I really don't mind. Then there is great indignation when my "real" name is discovered, and narrowed eyes as if I have been trying to hoodwink.

Can't win.

YANBU

My parents can't even properly say or spell DH's name (which is one reason why I didn't change my name when I married) and yet still insist on using his name. I've also just received a letter from my aunt saying my Mum thinks my 5wo DS's surname is "myname DHname" and could I confirm? Grrr she even went with DH to register the birth, is it really that hard to remember the surname of her first GC?

"DH and I both kept our surnames, and as I do a lot of our organising, he has been referred to as Mr RhinestoneCowgirl as often as I have been called Mrs HisSurname." This is the one thing that stops me being all that bothered by it when people outside my family do it. DH and I find the staggering variation of names our family is collectively called rather hilarious (but seriously, I write down the married names and preferences of all my friends and relatives, is it really so hard to do?)

I feel it is antiquated patriachal rudeness to address mail to Mr and Mrs [Husband's initial] [Husband's surname]. Women are no longer considered the property of their husband and should be entitled to being addressed by their own name and not be tacked on to their husband's name by virtue of being 'the Mrs'. Rude, rude, rude and has no place in modern society imo.

ach - names. I really sympathise with folk here. I could write chapter and verse on it, given that over the years I have:

1. changed to using middle name
2. changed title to Dr
3. combined names with DH on marriage (his suggestion)

I get older family still calling me by my hated first name (though not so many nowadays) those calling me Ms (which I loathe even more than my first name) those calling me Mrs (argh) and those calling me title Hisname rather than Hisname-Myname.
(We chose the order of the combined name to be furthest up the alphabet!)
Just to be even more confusing, DH also uses his middle name.

We have had soooo many arguments with the bank you wouldn't believe - they can't find the computer screen which lets them change things, apparently. And the GP's receptionist - she told us we had to get DEED POLLS to change to hyphenated surname but just taking his name just needed a marriage cert. I went a bit ballistic and wrote them a snotty letter. That worked.

Ironically the one institution which didn't bat an eyelid at putting my chosen name on was the Passport Office. Which was handy in sorting out the other arguments!

I expect we'll still get various badly-addressed cards again. Even SIL can't get our hyphen order right - and she is hyphenated too!!!!!!