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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why people bother getting engaged if they don't even set a rough date to get married

86 replies

RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 13:43

This is prompted by a family thing more than anything, but I don't get why people bother getting engaged if they don't even have a rough date to get married (e.g. summer 2012, etc).

This is prompted partly by my brother who has been engaged to his fiancee for six years now with no plan to get married at all. It irritates me to see on FB that they're engaged. (They say the only thing stopping them is lack of money)

OP posts:
altinkum · 02/12/2010 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 02/12/2010 13:49

YANBU. We got engaged to be married...so we got engaged, and then got married. If you don't believe in the piece of paper why would a ring signify anything? Each to their own though I guess.

Not sure how it takes people years to plan a wedding either. We had a traditional white wedding just under 6 months after DH proposed.

geekygiraffe · 02/12/2010 13:50

I have a relative who's been engaged for 23 years Shock.

I was engaged to XP for a year but he was too tight to ever get married (my conclusion - was generally v tight - said bday cards were a waste of money, so no, didn't ever get a ring!). He is now married to someone he met 9 months ago - lesson learnt the hard way methinks - or maybe she's the right woman, of course ; 0).

geekygiraffe · 02/12/2010 13:52

And agree with ninky. Got engaged to DH in Feb, married in Oct ... not traditional big white wedding, but you can do it quickly and cheaply surprisingly easily.
My brother and his DP are planning a big Unwedding. I'm a little bit WTF.

NinkyNonker · 02/12/2010 13:53

We didn't want a big wedding, but it ended up that way!

Original poster
RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 13:54

what's an unwedding?

OP posts:
DiscoDaisy · 02/12/2010 13:55

We got engaged 15 years ago when I was pregnant with our first child. 4 more children later and we still haven't got married. The longer we've been together the less important getting married seems .

Original poster
RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 13:55

I'm glad most think I'm being reasonable. It is of course completely up to my brother, but it seems daft to me to get engaged to get married, and not get married. Given that it can be done quite cheaply, I don't know why they just don't do it. You never have enough money for the "perfect" wedding

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 02/12/2010 13:55

i believe in marraige but i also want a BIG day Grin which we cant afford right now, we have a dd aged 5 and are planning to have more dc soon, i would like to get engaged as i feel it will be taking the 'next step' and when we do we wont be setting a date...

so i think yabu, each to their own :)

Original poster
RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 13:56

Daisy, do you refer to yourself as engaged?

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 02/12/2010 13:56

*marriage Blush

LaWeaselMys · 02/12/2010 13:57

I understand the money thing. It has taken us near a year to save up £500 for our wedding, as other more important things keep coming up (of the basic needs side) although we knew it would take a long time and had planned a summer 2011 wedding of the whatever we can afford variety.

Unfortunately it looks like that money will now be going on December's rent, and since the registry office costs £350 who knows if we can even afford bare basics in time.

piprabbit · 02/12/2010 13:57

I don't mind people getting engaged without setting a date.
I'm very Hmm about people who set a date to engaged though.

happysmiley · 02/12/2010 13:57

YANBU. Don't understand why people do this. SIL has been engaged for about 8 years, before I even met her brother. In her case it's because she doesn't believe in marriage. Fine, I get that, but then why would you get engaged?

The really infuriating thing is she gets mega annoyed, I mean really Angry if anyone asks when she intends to get married. What does she expect when she wears an engagement ring and declared herself to be engaged?

Confused
DiscoDaisy · 02/12/2010 13:58

On my facebook page I do. In rl it depends. Sometimes I say we're engaged sometimes I say we're together and sometimes I say we're not married but live together. iyswim.

RubyRoseRed · 02/12/2010 14:00

My Dad's cousin was engaged for 53 years!! They finally got married shortly after finding out he had terminal cancer. He died a few months later. It was very sad but so nice they finally tied the knot before it was too late. They were a fantastic couple, not sure why they waited so long.....

dietcokesholidaysarecoming · 02/12/2010 14:01

Yabu- we can't afford to get married yet but doesn't mean I don't want the ring commitment

MrsRhettButler · 02/12/2010 14:01

exactly laweasel.... and tbh if i had enough money for the type of wedding i want then i would rather put it toward buying a house as we still dont own our own home

HollyTwat · 02/12/2010 14:04

I can understand it.

I've been married twice already and I don't want to get married again. But if I met someone who I did want to spend the rest of my life with I'd probably get engaged, but never do the marriage bit, to show committment.

I don't think marriage is for me sadly

I have awful taste in men

eatyourveg · 02/12/2010 14:09

I never got engaged, just decided we would get married, went to see the minster who booked us in for the following month at the local chapel and that was that.

I always said I'd have an engagement ring for my silver wedding anniversary but 17 years in and I'm really not bothered. Can't see the point of spending money on a ring I'd probably never wear.

Maybe I was officially engaged after ringing the minister, I'm not sure seeing as neither of us actually proposed to one another.

saffy85 · 02/12/2010 14:13

YANBU. If you don't even set a rough date or discuss venues what's the bloody point?

Me and DP once got engaged when I first got pregnant. Gave him the ring back after a year as tbh I didnt care about getting married and neither did he. We didnt get engaged for the right reasons, other people kept asking stuff like "so you getting hitched before or after baby is born?" Hmm. DP thought if we got engaged they'd shut up. It got worse.

We've both agreed that should we ever get the urge to marry (would only ever be if there was some kind of financial benefit like say we actually by some miracle got a mortgage) we'll take the DC and elope. Neither of us give a shit about weddings.

GiddyPickle · 02/12/2010 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duna · 02/12/2010 14:18

YANBU

When you are engaged you are 'engaged to be married'. The marriage is the committment part, not the engagement!

Of course you don't need to be married to show your committment, but getting engaged is part of the process of getting married so it doesn't make any sense. IYKWIM

saffy85 · 02/12/2010 14:19

God yeah I hate that piprabbit "we're going to get engaged on her birthday/Valentines day/the anniversary of when we had our first drunken fumble." Hmm eh? Do it nicely FGS. As a surprise. I'm not romantic at all and like I said before not bothered by marriage but I still hold a grudge against DP for his actual proposal.

His favourite restuarant, pushed the ring in the box across the table to me and said the immortal line as I opened it "so do you wanna get married? as you're havin my baby?" Hmm wow thanks how could I say no?

LaWeaselMys · 02/12/2010 14:19

When I was PG with DD I told people I had no intention of getting married just because I was up the duff, since that is clearly a bloody stupid idea and the cause of many totally unsuitable marriages.

We got engaged when she was 9mths and we were sure that our relationship was suitably sturdy. (small babies a good test IMO)

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