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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why people bother getting engaged if they don't even set a rough date to get married

86 replies

RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 13:43

This is prompted by a family thing more than anything, but I don't get why people bother getting engaged if they don't even have a rough date to get married (e.g. summer 2012, etc).

This is prompted partly by my brother who has been engaged to his fiancee for six years now with no plan to get married at all. It irritates me to see on FB that they're engaged. (They say the only thing stopping them is lack of money)

OP posts:

motherinferior · 02/12/2010 14:23

Well, look at it the other way round. DP did the Proposal bit (in front of our children - we'd been together seven years and had a six and a four year old). I rather weakly said Oh All Right I suppose. I have consented to wear the ring with which he presented me.

But I am sooooo not the marrying type. So technically I am, I suppose, 'engaged' (not that I'd ever use the term). Marriage, now, no, not really for me.

capricorn76 · 02/12/2010 14:35

A lot of the time the forever engaged are made up of women who want to get married and men who are not so keen so the man gets engaged to the woman and they never get married. Meanwhile the woman thinks she's one step away from being wife when really she's still a girlfriend just with a ring.

An engagement is not a serious commitment in my mind. I know guys who have been engaged to 2 or 3 girls by the time they're 30.

mrsunreasonable · 02/12/2010 14:39

People these days seem to see engaged as a sign of commitment warranting its own engagement party/presents etc. Being engaged is just like having a boyfriend and a pretty ring just happens the ring is on a certain finger. If you have no plans of getting married why get engaged?! Also bugs me when people say they can't afford to get married but spend a small fortune on the engagement ring!!!!

Original poster

RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 14:40

Capricorn,

I can't help think that. My brother got "engaged" on Christmas, and I can't help thinking he thought "what can I get her for Christmas? I know an engagement ring", with no plan of marrying his DP.

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 02/12/2010 14:45

Also, weddings really don't have to cost much if you want to get married. Yes, a big wedding can cost a fortune, but if that is a priority it is more about not being able to afford your dream wedding than not being able to afford to get married...if you see what I mean.

curlymama · 02/12/2010 14:48

I agree with you completely.

Why do they have to say they're engaged if there is no wedding being planned?! That's what being engaged is! You can still have a pretty ring, call it a commitment ring or something.

It always makes me think that the female wanted to get married or have an engagement ring, and the man didn't so he just let her wear a ring to keep her happy, when he has no intention of getting married.

nomoreheels · 02/12/2010 14:48

YABU. I received a surprise proposal from my DP nearly two years ago. Neither of us is particularly "wedding" though (I loathe bridal magazines, would rather eat glass than go to a Wedding Fayre etc etc) so we just enjoyed that nice feeling of extra commitment that you get from being engaged.

Then we had some serious family issues which meant it was not the right time for a wedding.

Then we started TTC which we felt was more important for now.

My family are also thousands of miles away and I have to admit I've not wanted the stress of working out how to include everyone, as money is tight for all.

I'm due in June 11, and we've been thinking maybe we will have a simple registry wedding beforehand - maybe not.

Anyhow there are a million and one reasons why weddings don't happen shortly after engagements, and I really don't get why you would find it irritating - it's not your life. If it was your engagement and you really wanted to get married asap, and your partner was dragging their feet for some reason - that's another issue entirely.

mylifewithstrangers · 02/12/2010 14:49

We're engaged but not married - sheer laziness. I just can't find it in me to have to do all that planning (not that I want the big do or anything). We do occasionally mention popping down to the registry office, but lethargy gets the better of us.

I guess the issue is we're only contemplating getting married for the security of the kids (got engaged when pregnant). Totally secure in our relationship though, didn't need it for any commitment reasons.

We'll get around to it one of these days - I want a barn dance and hog roast if we do though

Careful · 02/12/2010 15:04

Work colleague once told me she'd like to be engaged but would hate to be married.

Her reasoning was that if her boyfriend proposed people would see the ring and know that she was loved and wanted. But being a married woman would make her feel old and boring.

motherinferior · 02/12/2010 15:10

'It always makes me think that the female wanted to get married or have an engagement ring, and the man didn't so he just let her wear a ring to keep her happy, when he has no intention of getting married.'

Not all of us, I assure you! Lots of women don't want to get married - I personally am staving off the grumpy 'why don't you marry me' requests with a pointy stick.

marantha · 02/12/2010 15:25

I suppose YANBU from a traditional point of view as engagement is traditionally followed by marriage, however, YABU to be annoyed by it!

Or are you annoyed because you think one part of the couple is stringing the other one along or something?
Is this the reason for your annoyance?
Or perhaps you're looking forward to a wedding?

I don't think commitment need come into the issue though-people can be committed married or not.
But to say that marriage is 'just a piece of paper' (as some have said here) is just not true-it gives legal rights and responsibilities that are just not present if just cohabiting.
I don't think being 'engaged' has any status in law.

marantha · 02/12/2010 15:31

I think that apart from being a nice thing for the couple to do, getting engaged has no formal status at all. I'm not saying it has no meaning for the couple, but you know, no official forms ask if a couple are engaged or not, do they?

Ephiny · 02/12/2010 15:36

I really don't get the 'planning to get engaged' thing - by simple logic, if you're planning to get engaged, then you must be planning to get married, therefore you're already engaged!

But then I don't really see the need for engagements these days, and can't be doing with all that proposal and ring business. DP and I have had a few chats about it and decided we're not bothered about marriage for its own sake, but it would be a good idea for when we have kids, so once we're definitely ready to start TTC we'll pick a day the following week (you have to give a week's notice, no further planning required!)for a quick registry office ceremony. It only costs about £75 plus bus fare to get there, so I pity anyone who really can't afford to get married!

Original poster

RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 15:44

Marantha

You're right I'm U to be annoyed by this. TBH, and this will make me sound very unreasonable, I see my brother and his DP, and I don't think they're in love. I just see them bumbling along (no plans to marry, have kids, even though it's what they say they want), in 11 years of being together, they've been on holiday, once together, to Bournemouth, and I think neither are them are particularly happy.

I'll add a massive, massive caveat that I don't know how they feel for each other, so it's just my thought.

OP posts:

marantha · 02/12/2010 15:52

RitaLynn Oh dear, you know what I am about to say might get me a flaming here but never mind.
I think that while it is all well and good people living together without firm commitment (and by this I mean both marriage OR a decision for the relationship to be a permanent one by the couple) and it's good that we no longer have hang-ups about this, one of the downsides is that people move in together half-heartedly and a kind of inertia sets in.
We're fundamentally lazy little monkeys and sometimes it is easier just to go with the flow and it takes guts and effort to break the status quo of a cohabitation that is neither here nor there.

Original poster

RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 15:54

Marantha,

I don't disagree with you.

Rita

OP posts:

minipie · 02/12/2010 16:02

I also find being engaged without actually making any progress towards getting married a bit strange.

As people have said, it has no legal effect at all. Makes me think of Elen Rives who was Frank Lampard's "fiancee" for many years, had two children with him, then they split up and guess what, she has no rights at all.

TwinklePants · 02/12/2010 16:53

I don't really give two hoots as to whether people get married or not. We did because we wanted to and it works for us, although we did go any buy my engagement ring together which is not v.traditional but means that I got a big rock we both got to be involved which was lovely. I don't get though why anyone would want to get engaged but never actually go through with a wedding at the end of it all... it's a bit like queuing up for a seat in pizza hut, then deciding not to bother sitting down and eating the meal when you get to the front. A bit pointless IMO.

MeowyChristmasEveryone · 02/12/2010 17:15

I agree.

Mother inferior is an exception to what I'm going to say.

IME, all of my friends and acquaintances who've had, erm, "extended" engagements have DEFINITELY been in the situation where SHE has been pushing him to get married, and once he's decided that he is ready to be a dad, he comes to the conclusion that the giving of a diamond (or similar) will be enough to placate her enough to get pregnant and he thinks he's off the hook as then her focus becomes spending money on the children.

I know at least 10 couples, ranging from mid 20's to mid 40's in age, where this is the EXACT scenario.

Meowy, married for 12 and a bit yrs after being engaged for 2 1/2 years (while finishing uni).

TwinklePants · 02/12/2010 17:37

MeowyChristmasEveryone I know a few of these couples too.

I also know quite a few couples who have been together aaaaaaages with no sign or hint of an engagement, then have a baby and quickly get engaged soon after the baby is born. Usually these are in relationships where the bloke has been quite adamant beforehand that they're not interested in that type of comittment. Have to say that if the guy was so vocal and did such a swift 180 degree on the subject ostensibly because there's a baby on the scene, that I might be a bit unwilling to accept. Might just be me though

DiscoDaisy · 02/12/2010 21:54

I must be in the minority then. We've been engaged for 15 years and I certainly have not been pushing him into getting married. We'd only been together 6 mths when our first child was conceived and we got engaged 2 mths after this. We celebrated our 16 years anniversary back at the beginning of november.

xJulesx · 02/12/2010 22:03

My DP proposed Christmas day five years ago, we intended to get married, but life some times gets in the way.

We have since had a daughter and hope she will be a bridesmaid. I have never really felt the need to get married, but now I have a child, that need for me feels greater, but I admit that I need a kick up the backside to get my self motivated.

HelenaRose · 02/12/2010 23:57

I was engaged at eighteen. I had a shiny ring and a mind full of sparkling dreams. He wasn't that keen on actually getting married; it seemed just a way of showing his commitment to the relationship. All I've learned from that is that an engagement ring means three years together and then a lot of heartbreak.

Whereas I've been with my current partner for under a year and while we're making lots of plans towards our future I don't feel any pressing need for a sparkly fing on my finger. (Though, y'know, sparkly things are pretty. And weddings are shiny and frilly.)

I realised that I only wanted to feel safe and secure and that's what the ring represented to my eighteen-year-old self. I learned the hard way that it's no guarantee of anything at all and that relationships can function far better without any 'symbols' of love. So I can understand the desire for a ring and I can understand the frustration at couples who don't seem willing to get on with making commitments.

SparkleSoiree · 03/12/2010 00:17

YANBU

I have been engaged 5 times in my life and married twice (I'm 38). I view engagement as a period of organising a wedding however long that took but three times realised the person I was with was the wrong person and ended the relationship. I knew I wanted to be married and spend my life with one person and did not see the point of just bumbling along with an 'okish' relationship.

My first marriage ended in him having an affair (I knew I should not have married him but he was number 4 and I got to the point where I thought I was being unreasonably hard on men!) and my Mr Right is sitting on the sofa next to me now after we got married over 4 years ago. He is so worth all the heartache of failed relationships.

I believe that engagement is an interim stage of 'intention' to marry yet to remain engaged for years removes the credibility from the commitment to make vows and spend your life with each other. It proves nothing more than you got engaged to get married and never got round to getting married. That suggests to me that the level of commitment was not high enough to go all the way through with marriage regardless of whether you have children or not.

CheekyLittleSox · 03/12/2010 00:27

When me and DH got engaged. We had only being together 3 months - 2 weeks later i found out i was pregnant with DS1. Was a complete and utter shock.

We moved in together into a flat and then had DS1. One night when DS was 5 weeks old, MIL said she would babysit so we could go for meal, just the two of us and we talked about marriage and decided to do it before christmas.

Told MIL, went to registry office next day (as funds wouldnt pay for a lavish big white wedding - i just wanted to get married to the man i loved :))

We booked it for 2nd December - which gave us 6 weeks to get everything. :)

4 years later still very happy with another addition - DS2 arrived 18months later :)

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