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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why people bother getting engaged if they don't even set a rough date to get married

86 replies

RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 13:43

This is prompted by a family thing more than anything, but I don't get why people bother getting engaged if they don't even have a rough date to get married (e.g. summer 2012, etc).

This is prompted partly by my brother who has been engaged to his fiancee for six years now with no plan to get married at all. It irritates me to see on FB that they're engaged. (They say the only thing stopping them is lack of money)

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 04/12/2010 10:52

yabu as i have been engaged for 4 years. cant afford to get married as have had 2 ds in quick sucession. we will, one day....its a sign of committment for now

Ryoko · 04/12/2010 10:56

Because some people just say yes to shut someone up and hope that in time they will forget about it (in my case it took about 7 years).

Lindax · 04/12/2010 11:17

yanbu, it's lovely when a couple announce their engagement and the excitement of planning to marry next spring/summer etc.

When an engagement is announced and the wedding is "planned" to be "maybe 2-3 years", "dont know", "when we can afford it" I must admit I don't feel like its a REAL engagement/committment. I would find it cringeworthy to introduce my fiance and answer the question of when's the wedding with those type of answers.

Maybe we need another word for couples committing to each other and buying a ring rather than taking away from the real meaning of engagement.

Serendippy · 04/12/2010 13:44

If you do not plan to get married in the near future, you are not engaged. You can call yourself engaged, but you are not. You can buy a ring/buy a house/have DCs together to show commitment. Getting married would be a commitment. Getting engaged is not a commitment if you do not plan to get married.

When people talk of their fiance of over 2yrs and when asked get defensive about when they will actually get married, I cannot accept that they are engaged. They are committed, it is different.

2rebecca · 05/12/2010 00:00

You can't be engaged if you're still married to someone else! That's just stupid. My current husband asked me to marry me when we were both married and I told him to ask me again when we were both divorced. I then said yes and we got married.
Some people do make a nonsense of the whole idea of getting engaged.
You should only get engaged when you actively plan to marry someone ie set a date and get on with it. Otherwise just stick to calling them your partner.

80sMum · 05/12/2010 00:31

YANBU. To be engaged means that you have made a comitment to marry someone; the subsequent wedding ceremony formalises and seals that comitment which has already been made.

Not so long ago, engagement was considered a legally binding contract. A man could be sued by his fiancee for breach of promise if he failed to marry her. I beleive that it is still the case in some US states.

coloursrain · 05/12/2010 13:57

I'm engaged to DP but we don't plan to marry for years yet. It wouldn't make any financial sense to live together at present so we're waiting until my youngest has left school.

We're engaged though, because he asked me if I wanted to marry him and I said yes. Not sure why that bothers other people tbh, not as if I'm asking them to put anything on hold or save the date (though I'm sure there are ladies out there who are peeved that he's now off-limits!)

2rebecca · 05/12/2010 16:08

Being married means that someone is off limits. If you are engaged you are still single. The days of men being sued for "breach of promise" are long gone. It's getting married that is the commitment bit with vows.
I can understand the not wanting to get married yet bit, but I don't uderstand the idea that being engaged means you are somehow more committed than just going out together. In either case you can just walk away from the relationship if you choose to with minimal legal hassle.

Lindax · 05/12/2010 17:03

coloursrain I would love a guy who proposed marriage to me but then lived separately from me for years as it made more financial sense - how romantic!

[peeved I dont have that guy]

PlentyOfParsnips · 05/12/2010 17:42

'You can't be engaged if you're still married to someone else!'
Yes I can!

'That's just stupid.'
No it isn't!

I've promised to marry DP and I intend to keep that promise.

Don't let it upset you though.

2rebecca · 05/12/2010 19:24

I'm not upset, I just disagree with the concept of being engaged to marry 1 chap when you're still married to another.
Sounds silly rather than upsetting.

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