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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why people bother getting engaged if they don't even set a rough date to get married

86 replies

RitaLynn · 02/12/2010 13:43

This is prompted by a family thing more than anything, but I don't get why people bother getting engaged if they don't even have a rough date to get married (e.g. summer 2012, etc).

This is prompted partly by my brother who has been engaged to his fiancee for six years now with no plan to get married at all. It irritates me to see on FB that they're engaged. (They say the only thing stopping them is lack of money)

OP posts:

begonyabampot · 03/12/2010 00:32

i don't really understand long engagements but guess many people do it earlier on then realise they are happy as they are and after a while marriage is no longer important so fair enough - people are allowed to change their mind about what they think is important. If that is the case, do you then become unengaged though?

BitOfFun · 03/12/2010 01:35

Situations are so different though- and who's to judge?

I've been engaged for almost five years. It was done in private (no party or presents), and is a commitment to each other. We consider ourselves married to each other, but we can't afford to live together and pool our finances yet though, because of particular circumstances. We live like Woody Allen and Mia Farrow did, across the park. But before he had an affair with the adopted step-daughter, obviously

Serendippy · 03/12/2010 08:27

YANBU. By its nature, getting engaged is showing the intention of getting married. There are other ways to show commitment, what about an eternity ring? People who get engaged and then have extenuating(sp?) circs meaning that they cannot get married, different. People who get engaged with no intention of getting married are not engaged, they are part of a couple who wear a ring.

Imagine if you could get pregnant, to show that you were willing to have a baby with someone, but not actually have to have the baby, you could just be pregnant forever. People would ask, 'When are you going to have the baby?' and you could reply, 'Oh, I'm not, I don't want a baby, just to be pregnant'. Same thing as far as I can see. If you do not intend to get married, you are not engaged, you just wear a ring.

As I've re-read it, the above sounds really judgy, but I stand by the opinion, however badly worded!

lal123 · 03/12/2010 08:35

We got engaged 3 months after we met - My Mum told me not to rush into anything, so I blame her that 16 years, 2 DC and 3 mortgages later we're no closer to tying the knot.....

I think YABU - it's none of your business why people don't get married after being engaged. It has absolutely no impact whatsoever on your life - so hey ho!

onlyjoking9329 · 03/12/2010 09:06

I can't find it in me to get worked up about this.
I very much argree with getting married/ being married.
I was married to DH and we were very happy together, and then he died.
Things were easier to sort with regards to paperwork and next of kin stuff.
I have since met someone very special and we are engaged to be married BUT I am in no rush to change anything just yet, we have separate houses but spend most free time together because we want too.
We will get married but it is very complicated and all our friends understand that, we have 5 children between us who can't wait for us to get married/live together. But we will do it when WE want to

LLKH · 03/12/2010 13:00

Sometimes a long engagement can be due to circumstances outside the couple's control.

For example, DH and I. I am American, DH is British. Our differing nationalities meant dealing with the Home Office which takes forever, can't tell you an exact time when/if you will be approved and, until recently, it cost £395.

Trust me, if we could have easily nipped down to the registry office or is it the registrar here (always mix them up), we'd have been married for several years already rather than just having been married this year.

Serendippy · 03/12/2010 13:18

LLKH You were engaged because you were planning to get married at the earliest opportunity. People who wear a ring and think that there is a possibility they might get married some point in the future are not engaged. I don't see why they need to call themselves 'engaged' either. It is a shame in a way that there is not another recognised way of showing commitment rather than commiting to something you do not actually intend to do.

LLKH · 03/12/2010 13:29

Ah, I see. I think I was responding to the not even having a rough date part. We couldn't really have a rough date.

I do agree that there ought to be another way of showing commitment though.

cerealqueen · 03/12/2010 13:59

YABU. I am engaged, and have been for the nearly two years and we have no date to get married.

We want to celebrate it and do something to remember but can't really afford it at the moment, more so since I lost my job in the summer so slowly saving up on one income. Nobody to contribute either, as neither set of parents are alive. On one hand, we think about just going away and doing it, but I would really like a church wedding. But then when I think of that, I think I'd just be a blubbering mess with my Dad not around to walk me down the aisle, or my mum not around to wear a fab outfit and cry and be really proud and happy for us.

Plus, we are trying for a DC2 (have been for a while now), and I'd like to not be pregnant or breastfeeding so I can get a bit drunk and do some crap dancing at me own wedding.

So we talk about this and go round the houses on the issues, should we just go off and do it, or not, or what. I hate it when people keep asking too.

LeQueen · 03/12/2010 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winnybella · 03/12/2010 14:29

YABU. DP proposed a while ago but we're broke at the moment. We can't decide between small registry wedding in France(which could be done soon) and a church one with a huge party afterwards in England(that one would have to wait). For now there more pressing things on our minds, though.

I don't really see how it's anyone's business, though.

KarmaDevil · 03/12/2010 21:56

Ach, I got engaged to DH when I was 17, 3 months after we met. We never did a big announcement or anything, we just wanted to give our relationship more of a commitment. I also moved in with him at the same time. I wasn't ready to get married at such a young age, but knew there was something special about our relationship. I got a ring he got a watch.

We were engaged for 4 years before we got married. We never had a big engagement party, and our wedding was a really really small civil ceremony with a meal down the pub afterwards. This was in the days before Facebook and the internet taking off though, so we couldn't really annoy people back then.

2rebecca · 03/12/2010 22:40

I don't get indefinite engagements either. With both my husbands when we got engaged it was because we had decided to get married and we then started sorting out dates, in both cases less than 8 months after getting engaged. Long / indefinite engagements are silly. You're either going to get your finger out and get married or you aren't. If you aren't hold off with the engagement as it's meaningless.

2rebecca · 03/12/2010 22:46

I wonder if people with indefinite engagements just don't trust their partner and feel that getting engaged is some sort of "deposit" towards getting married in emotional terms.
Living with someone for 5 years fine, if someone said they'd been engaged for 5 years I'd feel a bit
Indefinitely calling your bloke your fiance seems silly.
I'd probably think desperate woman, reluctant bloke.
Weddings don't have to be expensive and flashy.

classydiva · 03/12/2010 22:55

Dont understand your beef. Lots of people get engaged as a sign of commitment.

DiscoDaisy · 03/12/2010 23:08

2rebecca- I actually find your post a bit offensive. As I've said before my OH and myself have been engaged 15 years. Yes I trust him and he trusts me. No I'm not a desperate woman and neither is he a reluctant bloke.
We did intend to get married after we had our first child but then couldn't afford even the cheapest wedding. By the time we did have the money we ended up having 4 more children within 4 years and the practicalities of arranging a wedding were a nightmare.
Now we've got to the stage that whilst a wedding would be good for legal reasons it just isn't the most important event to spend money on in our lives. At some point in the future that will change and it will be something that we will do . Just because we have been engaged for so long definitely does not mean that we won't get married at some point.

Laurtopsy · 03/12/2010 23:31

YANBU to wonder why people bother getting engaged with no intention to marry in the near future. The term engagement means this.

Nowadays a lot of people use engagement as a sign of further commitment from a relationship but aren't quite ready to take that step to marriage. For some they would like to one day and will stay engaged for that period, however long that is for them. To others it's a chance to feel safe and secure. For others it's a chance to wear a pretty ring and parade about. I think it means something different for everyone but it's not right or wrong, it's whatever is right or wrong for them as a couple. I don't believe in calling it an engagement though.

DF and I have been engaged for 10 months. He proposed to me a month before we conceived DD2 and the pregnancy took over all our wedding planning. Our wedding plans now consist of waiting until DD2 is a few months old, grabbing some decent clothes and heading to a registry office with two witnesses or a few very close family members and having it over and done with. I am not in it for the wedding and neither is he, we're in it for the marriage. I refused to let him spend a lot of money on a ring and chose a cubic zirconia solitaire instead of a diamond. The ring isn't important to me either, it's just a symbol of our love and commitment to marry.

I think people get too wrapped up in their wedding day and lose focus of the marriage. They want their engagement to be a certain way, the ring to look a certain way, the proposal to be a certain way etc when all it comes down to is whether you want to marry and spend your life with the other person.

And money, of course. Even our registry office wedding will cost £250 on a week day!

BitOfFun · 03/12/2010 23:34

I don't feel offended, and understand why some people would judge. But they aren't important to me- I know the ins and outs of our situation, and don't feel obliged to outline them more than basically. But we are very happy and committed to each other for life- the rest is by the by really.

2rebecca · 03/12/2010 23:35

Arranging a wedding is only expensive if you want a big "do". Compared to having 4 kids a basic wedding is really cheap. I still don't see why you'd be engaged for that long. Yes you may get married one day, but so might any other couple that live together. It obviously isn't a priority so I don't see the point of an engagement as you aren't engaged to be married as you have no current plans to marry.

2rebecca · 03/12/2010 23:39

In scotland where we had our reg offrice wedding it's £124 to get married in a reg office including a copy of the certificate.

BitOfFun · 03/12/2010 23:40

I see what you mean. But for me, it's more about being able to afford to pool our resources and live together officially when DP is self-employed and things are shit. He can't sell his house, and blah blah blah. It's not about the wedding, it's about the vagaries of throwing multiple people's hopes on one uncertain income in difficult times. For us, it's better to wait and get that all sorted first.

DiscoDaisy · 03/12/2010 23:41

It was a priority when we got engaged and a basic wedding maybe cheap but if you don't have the money then you don't have the money. Every time we start saving, something else comes up that the kids need or something needs placing within our house.
Just because we don't have current plans doesn't mean we're not going to do it.
We have 5 children.

HalfTermHero · 04/12/2010 02:07

Dh and I knew we wanted each other from the start, hence the engagement. But rampant sex got in the way and we knew we greedily wanted more kids. why the fuck not? We are both beautiful and intelligent. kinder to share our favoured genes. So we bred instead of wed. Once the family was complete we finally married with some extremely beautiful tiny dds as our bridesmaids. Not all can be as lucky, lol.

LeQueen · 04/12/2010 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlentyOfParsnips · 04/12/2010 10:45

I've been engaged to DP for two years now and we have no idea when we'll get round to it - we're both a bit vague and disorganised but it's on our list of things to do one day. I have to get divorced first. I've been meaning to get round to that for 15 years , then we need to coordinate it with when his family can make it over from NZ.

I love the idea of being married to him but TBH, the idea of the wedding itself fills me with dread. I don't want many of my extended family there as I can't stand most of them but if they're not invited my mum will get it in the neck.

Having had one failed marriage I find it hard to see either engagement or marriage as much of a commitment. A joint mortgage and 12 years of him being a fantastic stepdad to my DCs - thats commitment.

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