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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 13:08

arf @ classydiva (is classy really the best name choice?)

yeah, honesty is so Old fashioned. we should move with the times and support those men with sexist, chauvinistic views.

OneLonelySock · 01/12/2010 13:14

I'm feel like I'm coming across as on the side of the GTB. Definately not. But who's not had a chinese whisper rumour about themselves at some point in their life thats so far off the mark it's in orbit?
If you feel comfortable acting without a bit more knowledge then go with your gut feeling - She chose you as a mate for a reason. Its all personal and I'd have to give him an opportunity before making my mind up.

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 13:16

"OMG it's so archaic on here.

You all sound like you should be in the 50's"

A man has either being sexually assaulted or cheated on his wife-to-be in front of a number of their "friends" and we're archaic for thinking she might want to know? Hmm

Now, where did I put that Lazy Susan...

changeforthebetter · 01/12/2010 13:17

OP - if you were my friend then I would rather you told me. Then I could make a decision about whether I actually wanted to write it off as a drunken mistake or as an indication of a deeply misogynistic trait in my future husband. I can't believe people are telling you to keep quiet. Yes, she might project her anger on to you and try to blame you in the short term but given time, she will realise you have done her a big favour. If she turned against you because of what her fiance had done, then she would be delusional.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 13:18

The "reverse sexism" angle on this is quite funny really - really struggling to imagine a groups of women tying up their drunk friend and then leaving her alone in a room with men they had paid to molest her.

tegan · 01/12/2010 13:19

I haven't read all the thread but i can't understand why op's dh would feel the need to tell her what happened anyway. What happens on stag stays on stag.

Dh has been to numerous stag do's including his own and i would never dream of asking him details nor would i expect him to tell me any.

op needs to forget she knows anything, best friend or not, stag do's are notoious for this kind of behaiour and as long as the bride to be is not wanting to know any details why would you say anything

maktaitai · 01/12/2010 13:20

Chinese whisper? Someone who was at the event in question tells you something?

gomummygo · 01/12/2010 13:20

If she is your friend at all, I would tell her.

Main reason is that in her shoes I would want to know, as I would definitely not marry someone who was a willing participant.

If you tell her, then at least she gets a choice of how she wants to handle it.

Thingumy · 01/12/2010 13:24

Hmm tegans 'What happens on stag stays on stag' comment.

It's like some cheesy strapline from a 'comedy' blockbuster

OneLonelySock · 01/12/2010 13:25

Yes chinese whispers, Just saying that no-one is sure who was in the room or even what actually happened.

Itsjustafleshwound · 01/12/2010 13:25

Oh go on, spill the beans - tell her the bleeding obvious about her husband to be - she will appreciate hearing the story 3rd hand and so close to the wedding day. I dare you!!

But at least she has the CHOICE....

faverolles · 01/12/2010 13:26

I don't understand "what happens at a stag do stays at a stag do"
If my DH was unfaithful,, I wouldn't think "oh it happened at a stag do, that makes it fine". I would still want to strangle him with his own bollocks.

Unfaithful is unfaithful no matter what the circumstances are.
I would want to know. Better now than finding out years down the line and realizing your marriage Is built on lies and deceipt.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/12/2010 13:26

Thingumy - was thinking the same.

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 13:26

Tegan, WTF? So if your DH had sex with a prostitute on a stag weekend, you'd not care so long as you didn't know?

You're making it sound like you expect that kind of behaviour from men on a stag Hmm

FWIW, my DH got a stripper organised for him on his stag. His Best Man is a bit of a live wire but I was expecting it. It happened in the middle of a crowded Brighton pub and she made DH parade round in a tiny pink thong. He was mortified Grin

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 13:27

Thingumy Grin

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 13:29

i feel sorry for the posters who have convinced themselves taht it is normal for tehir partners to cheat if they have a valid enough excuse. a stag do is not an excuse. it is cheating.

Pennies · 01/12/2010 13:32

Chandon's advice is spot on. Or if your DH doesn't want to do it then I'd speak to the GTB.

The whole thing's so tawdry and cheap. Stags. Eugh. Poor bride.

piratecatClaus · 01/12/2010 13:32

i would tell my best friend, but would be in agonies thinking about it and saying it.

terrible situation for all.

tegan · 01/12/2010 13:32

I could guess at the things dh and his mates fet up to as dirty sanchez has nothing on them on a night out so i could imagine how bad things could be on a stag do.

I have no knowledge of what hapened on dh's stag and i don't want to know. For all i know he did have sex with a prostitute and it's not something i would want him to do but it if it's on a stag do i don't want to know

Squitten · 01/12/2010 13:32

WTF is this attitude of "what happens on stags/hens stays on them"? Since when were these things accepted opportunities to have sex with other people?

I consider myself fairly liberal about strippers, etc, and DH was told that I wouldn't have a problem with that on his stag but there's no way in HELL he would have been allowed to have sex or any other kind of sexual act with another woman (which makes them hookers - NOT strippers, incidentally!) It never even occured to me that I needed to spell out that that is not ok to him! He went to the Edinburgh Festival with his mates and my brother and they watched a burlesque show.

I reckon you should tell your friend OP - I would do it if it was my best friend. I simply don't believe that he couldn't have said no

maktaitai · 01/12/2010 13:34

Well, the groom appears to be sure (although of course he may have blacked out). Hence a large number of posters suggesting getting onto him about it, rather than going straight to the bride.

Oral sex not super-high-risk for STDs but herpes, gonorrhea, clamydia all possible, and obviously more likely if the people involved do this a lot. Great fun.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 01/12/2010 13:34

My DH got pissed, pole danced with an inflateable guitar and spent the evening skidding across the dancefloor on his knees.

I saw the video! :o

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 13:35

"I have no knowledge of what hapened on dh's stag and i don't want to know. For all i know he did have sex with a prostitute and it's not something i would want him to do but it if it's on a stag do i don't want to know"

Just out of interest Tegan, what would happen if he did and it had consequences for you? Bringing home an STI or something?

QuintessentialShadows · 01/12/2010 13:35

I would tell her.

My best friends fiance once suggested me and him have an affair, as it would be so "easy to cover up", and the good old "we are all consenting adults". Hmm He had arranged to meet me 15 minutes prior to meeting up with my friend, his fiance in costa, to suggest this to me.

Me telling her did NOT ruin our friendship, but it did prevent her from marrying a total prick, who is now on marriage nr 3, and with a few kids thrown in here and there for good measure.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 01/12/2010 13:36

to me the attitude : what happens on a stag do , stays on a stags-do is as 1950s as you can get