Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
spidookly · 01/12/2010 12:54

they weren't strippers, they were prostitutes.

who knows whether they would have stopped?

people can be really weird about things like this - the assumption that a man would welcome any blowjob, or indeed any sexual attention he could get, is quite a common one.

I genuinely think there are some people who don't think it's possible for men to be sexually assaulted because they think they must enjoy it.

Depending on how the atmosphere was in that room, and what his man is like, it is possible that he was assaulted I think.

But maybe I'm being naive.

classydiva · 01/12/2010 12:55

Not your place to tell. Why cause problems, not like he could do anything about it.

That wasnt a stripper it was a whore!

iTigress · 01/12/2010 12:56

YY of course Ana, that came out wrong. I just mean OP souldnt feel in any way guilty for passing on the info, she's morally obliged to - her DH telling her leaves her no choice imo. Obviously it's the groom's fault.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 12:56

ooooh, I've got an idea - lets all go and live in a lovely fantasy world were no one has to face the consequences of their actions because we all cover up things that aren't nice to hear.

classydiva · 01/12/2010 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 12:56

"not like he could do anything about it."

classy, he could have said "no" if he did and the prostitute acrried on tehn he was assaulted. and as a friend i would absoloutely say it is my place to look out for my friend.

Timeforanap · 01/12/2010 12:56

I think that this sort of secret in a relationship is going to cause distance between the couple. It will be painful, but if they are committed to each other, they will be able to work it out.

Personally, I think truth and clarity are essential in a relationship, but not everyone feels the same way. You could say something along the lines of "If something happened on X's stag do, would you want to know?" Or what anastaisia said.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 12:57

(sorry, x-posted iTigress :) )

MooMooFarm · 01/12/2010 12:57

Jeez what is the whole idea of 'stag weekends' about anyway? In my day (yes I'm an old fart) it was a Saturday night pub crawl with everyone home and a bit worse for wear by 2 in the morning.

Stag weekends away are just an excuse for a sneaky shag somewhere where it's easier to cover your tracks IMO.

Sorry for going off on a tangent there Xmas Angry

BTW - tell her. Show a bit of respect and loyalty for your friend here, because he sure as feck doesn't deserve any.

classydiva · 01/12/2010 12:58

It's the GTB who stuffed things up for himself (unless it was assult) by cheating on his partner.

How did he cheat he wasnt a willing participant was he.

What happens on stag and hen do's stays on them.

classydiva · 01/12/2010 12:59

OMG it's so archaic on here.

You all sound like you should be in the 50's

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 13:00

If he wasn't a willing participant he was assulted and that should be dealt with, and if I was assulted I'd actually quite like to have my partner's support in dealing with it.

If he requested or accepted (without co-ercion) the blow job then he was a willing participant.

Saltatrix · 01/12/2010 13:01

I'm guessing that the man was very drunk since its a stag do and he is the groom usually everyone makes it their mission to get him drinks.

His tied up naked to a bed and most likely 'very' drunk, I doubt he was a very active member in what was going on around him.

The information you got is rumour nothing more you didn't see it, even your husband didn't see it so before you potentially ruin another persons relationship you should speak to the groom-to-be first or just leave it.

GoodnightNobody · 01/12/2010 13:01

I would want to know.

I would understand it would be hard for someone to tell me.

the groom is in a (I'm assuming monogomous) relationship, he's had a blowjob off someone other than his fiance.I just don't get the mentality of 'congratulations you're getting married, lets hire some prositutes!'

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 13:01

How is it prudish to think that both people signing a legal contract should be in full possession of the facts?

Completely different thing if you agree to have an open relationship or that oral sex with hookers is an acceptable addition to your relationship.

MooMooFarm · 01/12/2010 13:01

What happens on stag and hen do's stays on them why???

And what is the limit of that rule? Assuming that you think having sex with someone else is ok, what behavious is not acceptable then? Is there anything? Rape? Murder?

Never heard such a load of poop in my life!

maktaitai · 01/12/2010 13:01

Oh no classydiva! Do I really sound like a prude? oh SHIT that's the worst thing that could possibly happen! Quick, must tell dh that I don't care who licks his bollocks, as above all other things I mustn't be prudish!

Hmm
ClenchedBottom · 01/12/2010 13:02

classy 'what happens on stag and hen do's stays on them.'

No, not always - especially STDs, for example.

So presumably you'd be fine about a partner of yours indulging in this type of activity, then? After all, mustn't be old-fashioneed must we! Did you read an extra post that I didn't see, about the GTB losing the power of speech and being unable to say that actually he didn't want a BJ?

I feel that you should consider changing your name.

Itsjustafleshwound · 01/12/2010 13:03

Everyone is assuming that the bride to be is in the dark about her groom's behaviour.

She may be in denial, but living with someone for 5 years, I am sure she has his measure .... and knows what he is like and what he is capable of doing.

Again, I do think you need to tell people the FACTS - not the lies, suppositions or tittletale that someone (even your DH) has told you to clear his conscience.

I am in no way excusing the groom's behaviour but it is a horrible situation that your DH has put you in.

Letting the groom know, you know is not a great move - he will just mitigate his responsibility in it all or deny that anything happened and you will be the one with egg on your face

LittleMissHoHoHoFit · 01/12/2010 13:04

Can someone PLEASE tie 'ClassyDiva' up and lock HER (in indeed it is a her) up in a room?

What a crappy contributor you are being these last 24 hours. Hmm

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 13:04

The crux of it is this:

He either cheated on your best friend or got sexually assaulted.

IMO she should know, whichever it is.

Timeforanap · 01/12/2010 13:04

classydiva "OMG it's so archaic on here.

You all sound like you should be in the 50's"

So in the last 60 years faithfulness and respect for other people have gone out of fashion, have they? If so, then yes please, take me back to the fifties. Sounds to me like you are making excuses for either your own behaviour or your DPs.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 13:05

"the GTB losing the power of speech and being unable to say that actually he didn't want a BJ?"

Oh Christ, imagine if that IS what happened.

And then he felt he had to talk about it as though it was all normal and enjoyable.

Eeeuuuughghgh.

Either way, OP you need to tell your friend.

And have words with your DH.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 13:06

If he was sexually assulted then I would normally say it would be up to him if he wanted people to know - but that's kind of mitigated by the fact that his mates are going around telling people that he had consensual oral sex from someone. Changes it a bit I think?

BubbaAndBump · 01/12/2010 13:06

OP, do you know what your best friend thinks happened? She may well have sanctioned anything, or she may have 'forbidden' certain things - knowing which side of the fence she sits on re: his behaviour on his stag do would make a massive difference to whether on not you should tell...

btw, what is she doing/did she do for her hen do?

fwiw, I would be absolutely fuming at my DH if I found out he got up to those kinds of things on his stag do, but that's my personal view. I'm not sure I would be able to let it go either though... :(