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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
mjinsparklystockings · 01/12/2010 20:43

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Janos · 01/12/2010 20:45

Sorry, my last post sounds a bit mimsy and precious doesn't it.

I feel hugely for the OP having a dilemma like this on her hands.

Whatever she does, the fallout is going to be bloody awful. Either she doesn't tell and it comes between her and her bf (how can it not) or she does tell and..well, everything that comes with that.

mistletoekisses · 01/12/2010 20:50

mjinsparklystockings, your post encapsulates exactly what I was thinking. Yes this guy could be a dirty toe rag. But he could also be a great guy, with a fantastic relationship who has made a huge mistake.

OP, if you are still reading this, please stay out of it. And FWIW, I am one of the people who would not want to know. Sad

tallwivglasses · 01/12/2010 20:51

Janos it is utterly depressing and horrible. I hate this whole culture of lads being lads and the collaberation of silence.

Our sons are growing up surrounded by net- porn and over-sexualisation of young women, lapdancing clubs and 'hooters' are the norm.

Oh God Oh God, going stir-crazy with the snow. I'm out of here. Best of luck, OP and thanks for being brave enough to open up this horrible can of worms.

Thingumy · 01/12/2010 20:55

If my best friend knew my dp had sexual contact with someone else,I'd appreciate her telling me.

Anyone with half a braincell would want to know if their partner had be unfaithful before committing to spend the rest of their life with them.

Secrets and lies are not protective and the truth hurts 100% more when you find out you were the last one to know the 'truth'.

I would respect my friend and tell her what I had heard from my dh.

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 20:55

mjin I'd advise the poster to talk to their fiance, firstly because he deserves to know, secondly because if this was done against the poster's will than they will need their fiance's support. Plus I would point out that with friends like these who needs enemies, and the fiance will be able to support the poster in getting the fuckwits who did it out of their lives.

I'd also point out that it's better to tell straight away rather than it come out after the wedding, especially as then it looks like it was consensual and therefore cheating. After all, why else keep it secret?

Maybe I'd question why they were marrying someone who they couldn't/wouldn't talk to

Sprogger · 01/12/2010 20:56

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Janos · 01/12/2010 20:57

Yeah, I know what you mean tallwivglasses.

Having been around the block some I can well believe this sort of thing goes on but am truly sad people think it's not a big deal/bit of a larf.

Best case scenario in this awful situ is some bloke got sexually assaulted. Bloody grim.

auntpolly · 01/12/2010 21:00

I used to work in the city for a firm where strippers and straight men using them to humiliate each other was par for the course at birthdays, leaving dos etc. Although I only witnessed it once and it was all about a group of drunken men watching the victim squirm as the stripper did what she was paid to do. Horrible.

My DH (although we had only just started seeing each other at this point) was invited to the leaving do of his then friend who was notorious for "stitching people up" with strippers, so I knew that they would have organised a stripper for the friend. I wasn't happy about DP going, but all of his mates were going and he didn't want to appear under the thumb (this is a ridiculous excuse, I've since grown a pair). My BFF (a bloke who had also been there) told me the following morning that DP had drunk beer off a stripper's boobs. As you can imagine I wanted to kill DP, and still do when I think about it. We'd been together a matter of weeks so it was over at that point, but he persisted and kept repeating to me that he was surrounded by all his drunken mates jeering at him and he felt pressured into doing it. He wouldn't have actively sought it out.

But this is different to GTB, because he hasn't just started seeing BTB and loves her. He should have said no.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that GTB might have felt he had no choice, but I doubt he was actively protesting, for the same reason that he went through with it anyway. I'm not saying it's right, but quite a few men treat each other this way.

I was so glad my friend told me at the first opportunity, I can't imagine him keeping it from me. Also, going by the men I used to work with, I very seriously doubt any of them left the room!

mjinsparklystockings · 01/12/2010 21:00

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Kaloki · 01/12/2010 21:00

If someone was forced into sexual intimacy by their "mates" then I'd have thought it was best for them to tell their other half. Partly for support, partly because if the "mates" thought that was ok, they presumably are also the sort who think telling the other half at a later date and fucking things up would be a good idea. You'd also need to explain to the other half why suddenly all the "mates" at the stag/hen do are suddenly not being spoken to.

Of course - if the person decides that they'd rather continue to have fun nights out with these friends and don't want to risk those friendships by telling their partner, then they can't have been too upset. Hmm

stillbobbysgirl · 01/12/2010 21:02

why in gods name are people saying he was assaulted - do you really think that prostitutes LIKE giving pissed blokes a blow job? It is their JOB - I am sure 99% would be more than happy NOT to do it if the bloke refused.

Some of the reactions here to this cheating wanker are just ridiculous!

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 21:02

So the best plan is to have the wedding, then the fallout? Why wouldn't you ban the guests who had collaborated in forcing sexual intimacy with a stranger on to the innocent bride/groom?

mjinsparklystockings · 01/12/2010 21:03

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spidookly · 01/12/2010 21:03

mj

what you have just described is a woman being sexually assaulted.

If someone posted that I would be telling her to go to the Rape Crisis centre and confide in someone (maybe even her loving partner) who could help her get over it.

If my DH had been assaulted like that I would not call it a "one off mistake" or a lack of judgement on his part (except in his choice of friends) and I would do whatever I could to help him through it.

anastaisia

yes, I agree with you on the argument that the OH has a right to know that lots of people think her DH cheated on her.

But I'm not sure anyone should tell her he was assaulted (if he was) except for him.

Thingumy · 01/12/2010 21:06

I have no hesitation in cancelling my forthcoming wedding if I heard my dp had had a bj with a stripper/hooker.

mjinsparklystockings · 01/12/2010 21:10

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BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2010 21:18

Kaloki
why else keep it secret?

three reasons

1/ he was happy to go ahead with it and wants to hide it

2/ like rape victims and victims of sexual assault he is ashamed (it takes time to come to terms with)

3/ he is so ashamed of himself for being apart of it he doesn't want to admit that it happened, or just plan wants to forget.

There have been threads on here and other forums that start "I have cheated should I tell my partner" (ok paraphrasing) but the response is normally don't tell your partner just to resolve your guilt.

I don't know which one this is, The OP needs to talk more to her husband to get the full story and then talk to the GTB. then if she is not happy talk to her friend.

mjinsparklystockings · 01/12/2010 21:19

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QuickLookBusy · 01/12/2010 21:24

Agree with everything you have said mjinss

All of those calling the GTB a cheating bastard-just imagine it was your son in his place. Would you not try to establish the facts first? You wont do that by rushing to his fiance and telling her what you think are the facts.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 21:26

mj

I have repeatedly said that if that's what happened the bloke was assaulted.

stop inventing "reverse sexism"

spidookly · 01/12/2010 21:28

TBH I wouldn't be that concerned about establishing the facts if my loyalty was to my best friend.

I would be concerned about letting her know what was being said about her fiance behind her back.

Regardless of what happened in that room there are things she needs to know.

marantha · 01/12/2010 21:30

bupcakesandcunting, All I can say is that some women see it as a valid way to make money and become prostitutes of their own free will, while others are forced into it.
It really is that simple.
Best of luck to the former and may the latter be rescued.

Saltatrix · 01/12/2010 21:31

There is a lot of pressure in fact often it is just outright bullying of a very drunk man (being drunk isn't an excuse but it does make a person more pliable)

There is just so much information lacking, before you go ahead you really need to talk to your husband again and probably the groom.

And how did they come by this information did they come back in the room with the groom to be still handcuffed to the bed and ask him for details. I can imagine that there would be jokes of not untying him if he didn't tell them.

He really might have just felt awkward and reluctant as often the groom to be is when friends put them in embarrassing situations.

And does having an erection me he wants to have sex or is enjoying himself actually it does not. Men can often get erections simply as a reaction to a physical stimulus despite what they are thinking or not actually being aroused. The same as if I brushed my hand across your face and you blink you would not think about it, it would be an automatic response which is really difficult to control.

OP you need to confirm your information because it can have very serious consequences

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 21:31

mjin If he was forced against his will then it is assualt. However, going by what the OP said, him coming out of the room telling everyone he got a blow job, doesn't seem like the actions of someone who is upset to have had said blowjob.

boney In which case.

  1. he is a cheat and the BTB deserves to know
  2. he needs support and distance from those who forced that on him. His BTB is best placed to support him there.
  3. He will be more ashamed if he doesn't tell the BTB and she finds out later, and with 29 other witnesses, it'll happen

SO in all scenarios you have describe it would benefit the BTB to know so she could either, get rid of him or help him.