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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
MistressMaker · 01/12/2010 19:48

AuntieMaggie - cross post!

Have just remembered that when DH worked in the city a colleague got married and the best man got a prostitute 'for him' on his stag do.

The woman he was marrying was a staunch catholic and a member of Opus Dei. Wtf was going through the best man's (or the groom's but that's another story) head I do not know.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 19:48

Nope, all along a few people have been saying he may be less at fault than his friends or have been put in a position that made him vunerable.

That doesn't mean the bride doesn't deserve all the information before entering into a legal contract of marriage with the guy.

So either;
he cheated and didn't mind around 29 people knowing about it
he didn't cheat but is happy for his friends to think he did to 'save face'
or he was sexually assulted and is dealing with that by allowing his friends to think he cheated

Whichever one it is; I still think it's the bride's business and she deserves at least the option of finding out all the facts before they get married. Obviously if it's the last option he deserves understanding too; but if their relationship can't survive both partners being in full possession of the facts then perhaps they should be reconsidering getting married right now?

MistressMaker · 01/12/2010 19:49

Ooh, good post bupcakes, and I completely second that with my DH.

QuickLookBusy · 01/12/2010 19:49

So if a someone came on here and posted that she had been told that a woman had been tied up in a room and 3 men had gone in and had been paid to have oral sex with her, should she tell the womans husband to be?

There is no way posters would say "What a looser, you must tell her husband, he must not marry her"

Everyone quite rightly would be saying call the police!

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2010 19:49

actually booyhohoho its the first time I have used all men are bastards, and I have never used Men haters before either, but read in to it what you like.

perfectstorm · 01/12/2010 19:51

I haven't read the thread, because it depressed me once it started to fall apart.

My opinion is that you need to look at how close the friendship is. To tell, it needs to be close. You then need to look at the fact that she may well end up blaming and disbelieving you. That happened to me when I told a friend something similar once. She didn't leave him, either.

If he has cheated before, I wouldn't say anything. She's passed that point already; people who don't leave the first time rarely leave at all, IME, so you could be putting your neck on the line for sod all. If you are pretty sure she'd be appalled and never would have suspected him capable, then I would tell, yes, if we were close. It's a marriage - a big step - and her need to know would IMO trump my need to stay the hell out.

She'd need to be a bloody good friend for me to get in the way of a shitstorm like this could be, though.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 19:52

quicklookbusy, i think posters would try and determine whetehr the woman was a willing participant or not before saying call the police. and most definitely they would be telling her to drop the mates, which has already been said on this thread.

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 19:57

Boney Yes. I know. There is no proof it has or hasn't happened. But when someone is that close to making a legal commitment then surely they should have a chance at finding the facts out? By not telling them anything at all, how are they going to know?

QuickLookBusy · 01/12/2010 19:57

I agree Boo with your second statement but there has been very little concern on here about whether the groom was a willing participant. It has been assumed by the majority of posters that the groom is guilty.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 20:00

it really hasn't been assumed quick. throughout the thread posters have been saying "one of 3 things has happened- he cheated, he lied or he was assaulted" or something along those lines. either way i think his partner needs to know what people are saying he has done. she is his lifelong intended, she shouldn't be in the dark about this. aswell as the health implications.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2010 20:02

Kaloki

On this ocassion though I agree with booyhohoho and the others that she should find out what whether this happened or the GTB was willing before going any further, even if she just starts by saying to the GTB that he should get tested for STD's as she is concerned about what she has been told about what went on.

spongecakelover · 01/12/2010 20:04

See part of me says what's the groom like most of the rest of the time and the other part says if I were your friend I'd want to know. Relationships can be healed and grow beautifully after this sort of thing but ime, that's always after everything's come out in the open. Yes it will blow stuff apart between all of you but it'll probably come out later on anyway.

mistletoekisses · 01/12/2010 20:04

OP - where are you? Come back!

This is a very personal decision and you have to decide the pros and cons of telling the bride to be.

I have two first hand experiences of men cheating on their partners. The first was my best friends boyfriend who tried it on with me. I told her, I was out in the cold, they got married.
Another friends fiance was shagging about before their wedding and she was tipped off via anonymous letter. The wedding went ahead, he treated her like shit and a few weeks ago walked out on her.
Both stayed with their guys in the end. And I lost my best friend.

FWIW, I think you are not getting the full truth. There were prossies at this stag, I can guarantee that more than just the groom took use of the 'amenities' on offer.
The men will close ranks and the story will be denied.

In your position, I would be giving your husband a grilling. I dont believe that you have the full facts to hand.

I am a lone voice, but IMO, you should stay out of it.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 20:06

QuickLook

You're right, I think that people would react differently.

I do think the situation would be different in some important ways if it was a woman who had been put in this situation - e.g. it would be far less acceptable culturally for a woman to be put in that situation, so it would be clearer that her friends were setting her up to be assaulted. There is the acceptance from many that this set up would be a treat for a man.

But it is a fair point, and one anastaisia raised earlier that if this man was sexually assaulted the only person who should be spoken to about it is him. He should not be forced to share this with his fiancee until/unless he is ready.

But most people seem to think I'm a right gobshite for even considering this might have been non-consensual, so I don't know.

spongecakelover · 01/12/2010 20:08

Also, getting a blow job from a prostitute is a pretty extreme thing. If he really really didn't want it he didn't have to have it. Gross.

marantha · 01/12/2010 20:13

bupcakesandbunting.
Sorry; are these women NOT working in your eyes?
I think they are.
Work=doing something in return for money.
Or is a prostitute's work not worth being considered as such?
I am assuming they are doing it of their own free will, of course. In which case, their choice.
If I find out they've been forced into it. Then it would not be their choice.
Why are you calling for Dittany? If you've got something to say, say it yourself.

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 20:28

Erm, they ARE working but I think that saying "their choice" is pretty stupid. Very often, prostitutes are trafficked or forced into the work by violent pimps. Not many prostitutes choose it as a a career option.

I was calling for Dittany as she seems to have a really good knowledge of the misery of women working in the sex industry.

I will say it myself: it's not fucking Pretty Woman. It's a horrible, dangerous world where the girls get forced into all sorts of vile crap. It's very often NOT their choice.

tallwivglasses · 01/12/2010 20:31

I've been lurking here on and off all day and read the lot. (Snowed in)

I've been sat on the fence lurching from one side to another. Strong arguments from both sides, with the 'don't tell' side almost toppling me over.

But after 19 pages of this - if it was my daughter (or mum or sister) I'd want her to know. If it was me I'D WANT TO KNOW.

I would definitely use the 'This is what I've heard' approach. But I'd talk to my DH first to check out a few more...details.

Shit situation and I hope everything turns out okay OP x

mrsruffallo · 01/12/2010 20:31

I wouldn't tell her either.
I think what is discussed between OP and DH regarding this issue should stay private.
I don't see the point in telling her. It will cause nothing but heartache and any chance of friendship with this couple will have disappeared.
As it was, it was hearsay with no proof whatsoever- 'believe half of what you see and non of what you hear'.
You will look like a vindictive gossip if you run round there with this second hand information.
None of your business,OP.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 20:34

Though if he is dismissing a sexual assult by allowing mutual friends to think he happily cheated on his partner, then it possibly brings it back into the 'her businss' category again.

Because by doing so it starts to have an impact on her and her relationships with the mutual friends. It's not okay to do that because he doesn't want to deal with it.

And I'd think the same if the genders were reversed. Though if that scenario is true then obviously it's a whole different situation to him having cheated :(

But if no one tells the bride, then only he knows what happened but at least 29 of their friends believe he cheated on her.

Sprogger · 01/12/2010 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thingumy · 01/12/2010 20:39

how about special birthdays, to celebrate wedding anniversaries and the New Year Sprogger?

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 20:40

I think the worst thing is that he has been with a prostitute. Personally, I'd find it easier to forgive a drunken fumble in a club with a random female but I'd never forgive my DH doing anything with a prostitute, mainly for the reasons I outlined to marantha just. I'd never be able to look at him again in the same light knowing that he'd taken advantage of potentially a very vulnerable woman who in all probability didn't even want to do it.

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 20:41

Oh yeah, it's Chinese new year. Let's dial-a-whore Hmm

Janos · 01/12/2010 20:41

What an utterly depressing and horrible thread.

The whole scenario, the responses to it...really, really grotesque.

If the OP has disappeared its hardly surprising.

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