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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
ccpccp · 01/12/2010 19:18

Did you use the word Fuck Malificence? Very big and brave :)

Yes I've been to every stag do. And I also know you get an STD from one brief bout of oral sex, that is probably madeup bullshit anyway.

Hysterical anyone? Lol

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 19:19

"These women were working, remember (in a job that suits them so it's their choice)."

WHERE THE FUCK IS DITTANY?

adrenalinejunkie · 01/12/2010 19:20

sometimes we are party to things when we ared very drunk that we are ashamed of the next day we have all been there to some extent maybe thats why your dh told you , what seemed a laugh in a drunken stupor felt a lot more seedy and sinister in the cold light of day and he really needed to talk to someone,

as far as telling goes i would speak to the groom and gage his reaction if he looks utterly ashamed devasted the maybe dont say anything, if he doesnt seem to care less or thinks it is nothing just a bit of fun , tell her straightaway but be prepared to lose a friend and see him be forgiven after all .

ccpccp · 01/12/2010 19:21

Is there a question in your post of 18:26:08 spidookey?

Or are you just out of your depth and grasping for acceptance as normal?

ChickensHaveNoMercyForTurkeys · 01/12/2010 19:21

Kaloki gets neatly to the heart of the matter I feel.

QuickLookBusy · 01/12/2010 19:27

Have I missed something here?? How does anyone know that he actually did cheat?

The OPs DH says the groom said it had happened. Maybe he made it up because he didnt want to admit he had told the strippers to stop.

Maybe in his drunken state he decided he cant actually remember, but liked the thought of it?

Maybe the strippers never took money to provide extras and the OPs DH is making it up.

There are numerous other senarios[sp?].

Who is ever going to find out what actually did happen when noone else actually witnessed it apart from the groom. Who was probably almost unconscious with drink anyway.

How will anyone ever find out the truth?

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 19:32

So we're recommending not telling the bride because he might have made it up and just lied about cheating on her, to friends that she probably knows and socialises with, rather than actually cheating on her. Which demonstrates his great respect and enduring love for his wife to be Hmm

Rebeccaruby · 01/12/2010 19:33

FWIW, I haven't been able to read all posts, but I'm a bit Hmm about the whole sexual assault business. If this guy genuinely did have oral sex performed on him, then he needed to have an erection; if he had an erection, he wanted sex.

Look, people do strange things on stags. Sexuality is a complicated business. Take that secret to the grave!

Personally, I think it's possible that he pretended to have a blow job out of bravado, but actually refused in private.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 19:36

[[http://www.freeminds.org/support/dear-lee/male-sexual-assault.html Myth: Getting an erection or ejaculating or your body?s response to the touch during a sexual assault means you "really wanted it" or consented to it.

Reality: Erection and ejaculation are physiological responses that may result from mere physical contact or even extreme stress. These responses do not imply that you wanted or enjoyed the assault and do not indicate anything about your sexual orientation. Perpetrators know that getting an erection and ejaculating can confuse a victim Knowing this gives them the opportunity to manipulate their victims to the point of erection or ejaculation to increase their feelings of control and to discourage reporting of the crime. The same is true if your body enjoyed the touch. All that means is that your body is normal and is reacting to the touch in the way that is normal. It doesn?t mean you wanted it.]]

Adversecamber · 01/12/2010 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 19:36

I really need to step away from MN for a while I think.

The combination of recent, and entirely contradictory, attacks from posters I consider beneath is actually starting to quite please me.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 19:37

(not that I'm arguing it was sexual assult)

spidookly · 01/12/2010 19:38

beneath contempt

ccpccp · 01/12/2010 19:39

LOL

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 19:40

So Quick on the basis that it might not be true, you think the bride doesn't deserve to make an informed decision before marrying the guy?

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 19:41

ah yes, i wondered when boneyback would be along declaring us all men haters. no-one has said all men are bastards. infact i think you will find most posters are shocked that some people think this is normal for men to behave like this. most of us surround ourselves with decent men, who respect themselves and women.

QuickLookBusy · 01/12/2010 19:42

anastaisia I am also suggesting that other people may be lying and the groom is completely innocent. Unless the OP knows the truth she should not go and tell the bride.

And if the groom did lie, he is an immature idiot, but as I said he may not have wanted to admit to his friends that he didnt want to go through with it. Yes an idiot, not a cheater. The groom was forced into this position-tied up for godsake, he may have decided to lie to his group of "friends" who had tied him up. Maybe he was actually afraid to say he hadnt done anything. Who could blame him! I actually feel really sad for this groom.

I hate to say this but what if a group of women had done this to a woman??? The responses would be so different.

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 19:44

No, it wouldn't. I can safely say my responses would be the same, male or female.

The only way the bride has any chance of knowing the truth is if she is given the opportunity to find out. Which right now she isn't.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 19:44

I did point out earlier how hard it was to imagine a group of women getting one of their friends drunk, tying her to a bed and leaving her along with three men they had paid to molest her.

Is it really worth considering how people would respond to that scenario?

Because it's almost impossible to imagine it happening.

Even so, there are a few of us who are wondering whether the groom was assaulted.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/12/2010 19:45

Koloki

Its all heresay, there is no proof that it has or hasn't happened.

All we have is the OP/Op's husbands say so and if he is to be believed, he was one of the men responsible for tying another man naked to a bed and leaving him with "strippers" who could do anything they liked to him and hen left the room.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 19:46

and i think regardless of whether it happened or not. the fact is, at least 30 people that know this bride think her husband to be has cheated on her. if that was my best friend, I'd make damn sure she knew what people were thinking about her relationship. i couldn't bear to have her make her vows knowing people were laughing at her. her husband to be has created a situation where she is either entering an unfaithful and dishonest marriage or she is entering a marriage with a man who is happy to make a fool of her to save his own pride infront of his friends. i think the bride has a right to know.

AuntieMaggie · 01/12/2010 19:46

I think you should tell her.

You said there were 29 men on this stag do - what if every one of them has told their partners/wives and they have then passed it onto someone else? What if she hears it from someone else and then finds out you/your DH knew and didn't tell her?

As someone who has been through the aftermath of an affair one of the main things about preventing affairs is to make sure that all friends are 'friends of the marriage' which if the best man encouraged this he most definitely is not.

Not to mention as someone else already mentioned there's the issue of STDs. And can you be sure that instead of saying he got a BJ to impress the others he didn't do more than that and that was only the bit your DH heard about? What if she ends up with an STD as a result and thats how she finds out?

Perhaps you can start a conversation about acceptable behaviour on stag/hen dos to guage whether she would want to know or not but personally I think finding out that all her guests knew about this and she didn't on her wedding day and you could've told her is much more likely to ruin your friendship.

MistressMaker · 01/12/2010 19:46

Big thread - don't know if this has already been said...

OP, if there were 30 other blokes there you can bet your bottom dollar that a LOT of people know about this - some partners and friends of the 30 other men for a start.

If she's a good friend I would tell her before someone else does.

Malificence · 01/12/2010 19:46

I'm having a hard time believing that any group of friends, male or female, would actually do this - I find it so shocking and revolting.
If a group of women had done it, whether to another woman or to a man , I would think they were evil.

bupcakesandcunting · 01/12/2010 19:47

'What is most revealing about this thread is the absolute nieve view that most stag do's are not like this.'

Erm, actually I think that my DH and the vast majority of his friends (most of whom have got married in the last eight years) would object to that. They all came back from Edinburgh up in arms because the taxi driver had called a pedestrian a "paki".

I know my DH and his mates well enough to know that nothing like this would even cross their minds. I'm not being naive. I know what some men are like, I've been in relationships with some men. But they're a minority in my life and I know a lot of men. I suppose it depends on which circles you choose to move in. All of the men I surround myself with respect women so I think it follows that getting a five quid gob-fuck off a hooker is out of the question. I find it a bit off that men are all being tarred with the same brush as the knuckle-draggers involved in this seedy little debacle. It does men a disservice.

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