to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

[BottleOfRum]

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

Maybe I'm just too old!

If only all us stupid women could open our eyes and see what men were REALLY like, huh?

If only... if only there were some men somewhere who were prepared to come here and tell us what men are like...

it's just an impossible dream!

I agree totally, LeQueen, I do think that in this case the sexual assault theory is a load of baloney.
Should BottleofRum, tell her friend?
I'm going to do the What would I want? question and I am going to say 'Yes' as I would wish to know.

As an aside, I cannot abide the 'all-boys-together' mentality. I despise it.
I'd have more respect for this guy if he'd quietly taken himself off to a prostitute by himself.
At least that way he'd be showing some thought for his bride-to-be in that, unless HE said something, she would NEVER find out.

He is unfaithful AND thick AND insensitive. What a wonderful combination!!

Oh, just read your post ADVERSECAMBER

"DH went to a stag do where the groom was made to eat a mars bar out of the stripper after being stripped naked and having something stuffed up his bum."

Hilarious! All I can think is don't some straight men do some really, really stupid & silly things

Wonder if that bloke if he ever becomes a father will tell his kids about what a hilarious time he had on his stag..........

I've done some REALLY stupid things in my time......but now I feel all mature and sensible.

(and by the way, lived with gay male promiscious croupiers so am fairly broad minded & know what sort of stuff goes on in some gay male circles...its just a laugh what some straight males decide to do "in order to have a larf!"

Some really are just overgrown kids still aren't they?

"What is most revealing about this thread is the absolute nieve view that most stag do's are not like this".
So you have been to every stag do ever then , have you?
How the fuck would you know what most stag dos are like?

And it's naive, dear.

I wouldn't say anything. It's not really anybody's business but the happy(!?) couple's and would you really want the responsibility of possibly breaking up the relationship? If you do do that, at some point your friend will blame you for telling her and so she may lose a fiance and a friend.

I would just keep your counsel.

I disagree with you, CuddlyNotFat, sorry but if the guy wished to keep his private life to himself, he shouldn't have had oral sex off another woman with other guys being party to it.

" I do think that in this case the sexual assault theory is a load of baloney."

Do you marantha?

I am totally naive in this area, so I'm not remotely qualified to do anything other than wonder.

I just hate the thought of a man who was drunk and physically restrained who had 3 women sent into a room with him on his own with instructions on what to do to him.

Would they have stopped if they knew he really didn't want it? Probably. The thing that worries me is that it seems likely that a man in that situation wouldn't be believed (there have been a few comments on this thread to that effect already - no bloke would turn down a blow job etc.)

I'm torn between thinking this woman is about to marry an out and out scumbag who was in on this and didn't give a shit about 30 men knowing he cheated on his fiancee with a prostitute

and worrying about a man who doesn't have very good taste in friends ending up in a situation he couldn't manage having his person violated.

It's kind of heart breaking to think that his "she gave me a blow job" might have been the only way he felt he could respond when asked about something that had been a disturbing, upsetting experience for him.

I think it would be very, very hard for a man in his situation to admit it if he had felt violated. Particularly if he ejaculated, which is no proof at all that he enjoyed it, despite someone suggesting earlier that it was.

"would you really want the responsibility of possibly breaking up the relationship?"

I don't get this at all.

It's not like relationships have value in and of themselves.

A relationship is only worth anything if it is a GOOD relationship.

And a relationship where one person is a lying cheat who pays for sex is not a good relationship. It's an abusive one.

spidookly. All I can say is that I believe that had the guy had said, 'Stop ladies. Not interested' they would have done. Why?
a, They're going to get paid either way.
b, Do they really want to perform oral sex on someone who does not wish it? I mean why would they?

Sounds to me like this was a group of assholes who thought 'Oh wouldn't it be fun to get a prostitute for stag night as a novelty'.
If using prostitutes was an EVERYDAY occurrence for these guys, there would be no novelty in it.
These guys were probably unattuned to the ways of prostitutes themselves.
I would say that if these guys are reasonably normal down-to-earth men, the prostitutes would have run rungs around them (there were 3 of them, remember).

So, no, sexual assault does not ring true for me.

Have not read all the thread as am in a rush atm but would like to say that I personally would NOT talk to the groom.

You have a choice - either tell your friend yourself or forget you know and move on.

By talking to the groom you loose control of the decision. Once the groom knows you know he may mention it to your friend if and when he ever comes clean. If thats next week or in 10 years time and she finds out you knew but said nothing - you could be in hot water.

Not much help, I know, but something to think about.

If what I say is wrong and the guys FORCED the prostitutes to perform then I would say that the opening poster has a far, far bigger problem on her hands than the one she presents here.

Marantha

I don't think that the people talking about sexual assult are saying that there was 'force' invovled in it.

More like, if he was drunk and tied up, he would be in a vunerable position and may not have felt able to say no. And the absence of an objection/No is not consent. Kind of like a drunk female not kicking and fighting could still be raped?

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WISH DONE UNTO YOURSELF!

I shouldn't really have to explain but would you not want to know if your DP had done the same?

My sister's OH had an affair 9 years into their marriage but it came out he'd been having it off with all and sundry (and at the stag) before they were married.

Can you imagine if they have children or become financially attached and then he does this sort of thing again? You HAVE to tell her!

'What is most revealing about this thread is the absolute nieve view that most stag do's are not like this.'

It never ceases to amaze me when people pass off CHEATING as acceptable, or the 'done' behaviour on a stag do! I am certainly not naive and my DH had a stag do, my dad was invited to the do and went. He would have strung up DH by the bollocks if he had done something like this.

Strangely enough DH didn't feel the need to cheat on me on his stag do - maybe, just maybe, that was because he loved and respected me...

Exactly what redsuedeshoes said.

the all men are bastards that this thread has turned in to aside.

I hope that the OP does tell her friend and her Groom/partner/husband has all those men involved (including the Op's husband) up for sexual assault.

And just FYI

I don't believe that this happened except in the Op's husbands mind.

"maybe, just maybe, that was because he loved and respected me..."

Or maybe it was because he respected himself and doesn't need his love and respect for you to restrain from behaving like an animal.

(not saying he doesn't love and respect you, of course :))

Just thinking, I hope the bride to be isn't on here. That'd be a hell of a way to find out.

I still don't see why it is the OP's responsibility to say anything.

I think there is a lot of holier than thou judginess going on here and a lot of unhappiness to be caused if OP says anything.

It was a one off, instigated by others and OK, I'm not saying it was the ideal way to spend a stag night, but it's not like he's having an affair, is it?

And how do you know he was telling the truth?

He maybe just said that to get them off his back.

Or maybe the bride just wouldn't want to know and would be forced into acknowledging something that she'd rather ignore.

It really isn't anyone's business but the bride and groom's. Why would anyone else want to get involved?

So there!

Exactly Bunnyjo. The inference that all men are like this on stag dos is pretty insulting to most men. I know DH did not/would not do anything like this and neither would his friends. They would be disgusted as they are normal decent men. My ex possibly would have done which is why he is my ex.

As for the OPs dilemma I really dont know what to say. Vacillating between the options. Sorry not much use there. Although one thought the old saying the truth will out is pretty accurate. These things have a way of leaking out whether via you or not. IME all adulterous couples I have known think their affair is secret but actually everyone knows and thinks they are sordid scumbags.

"and a lot of unhappiness to be caused if OP says anything"

And a lot if she doesn't.

"It really isn't anyone's business but the bride and groom's."

Agree, except right now the bride doesn't know anything about it. The bride doesn't know something that really does concern her. Or is it not her business to know after all?