to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

[BottleOfRum]

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

I haven't read the whole thread, only a few pages.

I think if I were you, I'd have to consider very carefully before relaying third-hand news to someone, when the impact of that news could devastate her marriage before it's even begun. Your DH is only repeating to you what the groom has told him happened. Neither you nor your DH actually know what happened in that room after the blokes left the groom alone with the prostitutes ('strippers'? ). For all you know, he could have told them to stop, but said "if anyone asks, say you gave me a bj" to save face with his mates; you don't actually know, do you?

Also, I'd be aware that if it become known that your DH told you about this (ie if you spoke to the groom about it), resulting in problems for the relationship, your DH is likely to be persona non grata with this group of blokes for a while (I've no idea how much that would matter to him, or you).

What a horrible situation for you; hope you work out a solution that lets you feel that you've done the right thing.

your DH losing friends because of this shouldn't matter one bit, because 1) tehy all sound liek arseholes to have arranged a BJ for a man who was getting married and 2) your friend's sexual health is a bit more important than keeping secrets between sleazy men.

Agree with booyhohoho

3 strippers?

Wow.

So the OP's DH quite clealry states there was sex with a prosser going on......

HELLO!! It is NOT an over-reaction for everyone involved to get checked for STDs. It's SENSIBLE.

Think the OP is definitely in denial about her DH's involvement in all of this............

in the bride's position would you feel better to have a husband who is happy to cheat on you and for all his mates to know it, or who is happy to lie about having cheated on you and allow all his friends to think that forever to save face?

LeQueen's angle on it makes sense. The BJ would have been pre-ordered. Imagine being a prositute and being left to your own devices, you'd probably just dole out a quick hand-job and be out of there.

Taking it to a further conclusion, I find it a weird concept "ordering" a specific sexual act for a friend. I imagine that the B.M arranged the prossies and the GTB told her what he wanted. Mind you, I find the entire thing weird. Can men not just have a jolly-up with their mates without needing hired fanny? FFS.

Makes me glad I'm not a bloke if this is what some of them think they have to do to be "one of der ladz" Morons. I was quite happy with my hen weekend in Paris, doing sightseeing and visiting nice restaurants [dullard emoticon] Did not once feel the need to get some extra-curricular penis and believe me, round Montmatre at night it's very easy to chance upon

do as you would be done by

I went away for a couple of hours and anastaisia said everything I would have wanted to say!

I had no idea there were actually really people who blamed the messenger. Some really weird attitudes here - "if the truth inconveniences me I will ostracise anyone who tells is"

nuts

OP - you really can't call this woman your best friend if you plan to keep secrets from her to protect your "friendship"

Could you really let someone you love walk blindly into marriage with a man who pays for sex and cheats on her?

"YOu do get strippers who do extras."
These would be called prostitutes. Any woman who offers those kind of extras for payment is a prossie.

This thread has reminded me of a similar story.

Several years ago I was at a wedding. DH and I were friends of the groom, fortunately in the circumstances DH wasn't at the stag due to being at the birth of our DC.

During the actual reception a group of male friends were passing round phones with video clips of the stag do. Similar situation "strippers" had put on a grim show and then offered extras out of the back...not clear whether the groom partook in extras but by all accounts he was "involved" in the show. Nasty.

The men (like MrMcQ's friends: lawyers, drs, accountants) thought this was all terribly amusing and were quite stunned by my seriously losing the plot at both their behaviour at the stag and almost worse IMO their behaviour at the wedding.

I didn't say anything to the bride, I hardly know her, but lots of her girlfriends were/are aware of what went on and every so often the subject of X's stag do comes up.

I would feel so mortified and humiliated in her position. What happened was bad enough but to know that no one had told me. I would be devestated.

I never said they weren't prostitutes, it was said strippers don't do that, yes they do goes with the rest of it. Hence the extra comment.

Like going for a massage and having a wank, you see a massause but in reality its just prostitution.

I think there is a gross overreaction to the STD here. It was a BLOW JOB. Not full blown fucking. Now if she has a cold sore you might think herpes, but STD come on get real.

BottleofRum - your 2.36pm post reads like you are more concerned about your friendship with this woman and how that will be affected than letting her know something she has the right to know.

If you don't tell her you will have to live with this forever and forever keep quiet.

Another vote for telling her. Just tell her the facts; you have been told something about her fiance and she might want to ask him want went on.

I'd be furious if a friend of mine witheld information like that.

for clueless classydiva

And re blaming the messenger years ago my BF was at the begining of a relationship when A when he slept with a friend of mine (who didn't know the other friend)

I told BF and she chose to believe A and whilst she never accused me of lying (it was just brushed over) relations were fairly frosty for quite some time.

We are over it now, it was never really mentioned again and I was later bridesmaid at her wedding to A and whilst I felt very sad at the time I do believe that at least she went into the relationship with her eyes open.

classydiva if you'd come to me for a massage and asked for a wank I'd have thrown you out before you even had a chance to get your fucking clothes on. Don't be so pathetically ignorant - you embarrass yourself.

A stripper is someone who takes of her clothes for money. A prostitute is someone who performs sexual acts (involving direct contact) for money. One doesn't equal the other. Is that clear enough for you?

Did she use a condom....? If not you can catch things from a mouth. He must have been proud of it if he told everyone... also surely he could have said no to this stripper..

Think I'm in the don't tell camp.

Especially as its a stag or hen do.

I've got loads of mates who would laugh this off but in these circumstances probably wouldn't want to know.

Guess it depends a lot what your mate is like.

There were 29 other men there, WTF is this about being told 'in confidence' and "DH had no right telling you"

I would fully expect DH to tell me things like that! He is my HUSBAND, I don't imagine he would have an easy time keeping that sort of 'secret' from me knowing that it was about my best friend!

good point stretch

This information is not by any means a secret, it's just that the woman who was belittled and degraded by what went on doesn't know about it. Yet.

This is truly sickening - I couldn't not tell.

It's unbelieveable that there are men out there who will do this. Can you imagine them all sniggering about it at the wedding after a few pints? - how repugnant. Don't get me started about what little respect they have for their own partners and women in general.
If any man I knew was involved in something like this, I would cut them out of my life without a second thought.

The poor woman deserves to know.

No, lots of us think that.

It just doesn't really have any bearing on whether she should tell her friend.