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Original poster

to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

643 replies

BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 11:38

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

OP posts:
holidays2010 · 01/12/2010 14:29

Sounds like you'll be public enemy no1 if you tell her or get involved imo.

talleyrand · 01/12/2010 14:29

as other posters have said - you don't have the whole story

  • if there was a BJ it was ordered and paid for
  • they seem to know a lot about what happened when they were out of the room
  • etc

if you tell people about it, be prepared to learn whole lot more.

how sure are you your DH wasn't also the recipient of a BJ? If you tell your friend about her partners BJ, certainly someone is going to tell YOU about the one your DH got.

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 14:29

"If this comes out he and he has an ounce of sense he will just deny the bj happened and will say he was p8ssed and that he lied to his mates cos of bravado. She will believe him cos she wants to"

Maybe, but then it's her choice.

It may be hearsay, but she still deserves to know.

MooMooFarm · 01/12/2010 14:29

Probably no help but DH and I were in a similar-ish situation a while ago. A relative of his was getting married, who then had a one night stand on a stag do that lots of friends in our 'group' of friends were on. DH wasn't there but he heard about it through some of the men who had been.

Lots of the wives/girlfriends knew about it as their partners had blabbed to them. It got to the point that just about everyone knew apart from her.

In the end DH took him aside, told him he knew about it, and that he needed to A) sort his life out because he was being a twat and risking splitting up with the mother of his baby, and B)that everybody seemed to know so he should perhaps fess up before somebody else did it for him.

Since then, surprise, surprise, we've pretty much been dropped by DH's 'relative'. Don't know if she ever found out or not, but they got married in the end. And it seems that the only people out in the cold now are the ones who told him he'd been out of order!

I suppose the moral of the story is you'll be fecked whatever you do!

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 14:30

what would you do if at some point in the future she made comment like 'I know DH would never cheat?'

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 14:33

or how would you feel OP if after a few months he found anotehr valid excuse to cheat and she found out, but too late she is already married to the prick? i think she is entitled to this information before she goes ahead with teh marriage. it is tehn up to her to make an informed decision.

Original poster
BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 14:36

Linden - if it was my sister, I would tell her in a heartbeat. But, like I said before, I reckon the groom will deny anything happened and say it was all just bravado, and then will not want me around very much after that, and it could drive a wedge between me and my best friend. And like fruitstick said, if its a "stag do gone wrong" type thing, then I want to stay out of it. Whereas if it had been my sister, I could never possibly be 'distanced' from her just because her DH wasn't keen on me, whereas I could in this case, IYSWIM.

Fruitstick You've pretty much managed to vocalise my internal dilemma here. Also, to put your mind at ease, the 'stag' was no friend of my DH - I insisted my DH went because I thought stag was a lovely guy, and I wanted to be able to do more things as a 'foursome' so wanted DH to get to know Stag better, as his only knew him through me and my best friend really. Feel awful for making him go now!

OP posts:
Jonahandthewhale · 01/12/2010 14:36

Don't do it, its a no win situation for you.
Is the bloke a bit of a scumbag? Would he cheat again? Does he think he's a player? Or was this a drunken, stupid mistake that he's already feeling SICK about? Leave him to his guilt.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 14:37

why I ask:

The behaviour of the GTB has put you, through your DH telling you, in a position where you could have to lie to a close friend. Honestly, I think that the people saying 'none of your business' are wrong because of that. If someone's behaviour has an impact on you it absolutely becomes your business IMO

Kaloki · 01/12/2010 14:38

bottleofrum Would you want to know if your DH had done this?

Original poster
BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 14:38

Just re-read my last post.... "foursome" in this context does not sound good Grin

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 01/12/2010 14:40

OP, please remember that you are going to have to face these people on a regular basis knowing what you know. Why should you have to carry that with you just because he has been a complete wankoid?

If I was your friend I would definitely want to know, and I wouldn't care if a stranger in the street told me as long as someone did

saffy85 · 01/12/2010 14:41

Firstly that's a prostitute not a stripper, imo. Secondly I would tell the groom you know and if he doesn't tell the bride, you will. I only say this because STDs can be passed on through oral sex so if no protection was used the bride's sexual health is at risk.

NotActuallyAMum · 01/12/2010 14:42

anastaisia put it better than I did...

Hullygully · 01/12/2010 14:43

As she's your best friend, haven't you ever had the "would you want to know?" conversation?

Original poster
BottleOfRum · 01/12/2010 14:47

Never had the "would you want to know" conversation. It never occured to me that her fiance would do something like this, he has always seemed like a genuinely lovely guy. And I was so happy for her, because her taste in men before him was awful.

Its because I've always thought of him so highly that I'm in a quandry. If I thought he was a total dick, or if this story hadn't suprised me so much, I would have definitely told her by now, I wouldn't want her marrying an idiot. Im just worried it was a drunken one off, that he is regretting so much already etc etc (which there is still no excusing, i know), but I just think if i tell her, he will say nothing happened and it was bravado, she will believe him (and, at the end of the day, it may just be bravado after all), and then I will lose my closeness with her. Arghhhhhhhhhh.

OP posts:
MumNWLondon · 01/12/2010 14:49

Yuck, but best to pretend you don't know.

Tell your DH you wish he never said anything.

Hullygully · 01/12/2010 14:51

Chandon's idea still best.

doublechocchip · 01/12/2010 14:51

I wouldnt tell her.

I told a friend that her boyf had cheated on her (one of my other 'friends' had slept with him) and we didnt speak for 2 years as she blamed me for wrecking her first longterm relationship, only started speaking when i had my dd we are not close any more, was really sad.

I would only tell her if I knew he was having an affair but because you wernt there and it was a stag-do (although I think its disgusting) I wouldnt tell.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 14:52

ok, even giving him teh benefit of the doubt and accepting it was a one off drunken mistake, tehre is still teh fact that she may be at risk of catching and STI from it. she needs to know to get checked out.

ZeroMistletoeZeroTinsel · 01/12/2010 14:55

FWIW I definately would not tell her. Is it possible the stag was telling the truth? It seems odd for a stripper to willingly give a blow job without being paid for it, generally speaking most strippers will only do exactly what they're paid for and no more.

booyhohoho · 01/12/2010 14:57

zero, most strippers only strip. thsi was a prostitute.

anastaisia · 01/12/2010 14:57

Agree with Hully that Chandon's suggestion of your DH going back to the gtb first is good.

Perhaps with the follow up of offering that you have heard something that may or may not be true, but was being talked about by the men on the stag do and would she like to know or not?

LittlePickleHead · 01/12/2010 15:00

Oh my goodness, I would definitely want to know if my DP did something like this on his stag. Definitely. Because I would not be marrying the person I thought I was. That is a major thing, even as a one off. You know that if the roles were reversed and your friend had done similar on her hen, there is NO WAY her DP would be able to excuse it as 'a last moment as a bachelorette)'.

What utter crap.

I have been on both sides of this. A rumour was spread about me in my late teens, and all my friends knew, not one single on of them told me until I found out myself and then realised they all knew. That really really hurt, and I could not get over the fact that noone told me.

I was also told by my boyfriend years ago that his friend, who was dating my best friend, had cheated on her. She contracted and STD from this :( I didn't tell her, and thankfully they broke up, but I really regret not saying anything as even to this day she doesn't realise I knew. Saying that, who knows how she may have reacted as she was totally besotted with him, but I feel awful that I protected a cheating, lying, creep of a scumbag.

Tell her, or at least tell her DP that you are going to tell her.

traceybath · 01/12/2010 15:00

I wouldn't tell her purely because you didn't witness it yourself - and you are basing this on drunken hearsay.

Horrid situation though and lets hope it was just bravado talking.

I think the most I would say is 'oh I heard there were strippers at the stag do' to your friend and leave it at that. She can then pursue that conversation with her husband to be if she wants.

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