to not tell my friend what her fiance got up to on his stag weekend?

[BottleOfRum]

Best friend is getting married to her partner of 5years. Have always thought they made a lovely couple.

DH, and a number of other mutual male friends went on the stag weekend. DH came home and said that the best man had organised strippers to turn up to the hotel room, and they hancuffed the groom-to-be to the bed, and one of the strippers gave groom-to-be a blow job.

I am absolutely disgusted by this. Mostly disgusted by the behaviour of the best man, who organised it, but also with all the men present, who must have been instrumental in handcuffing their friend to the bed. I can't believe how disrespectful it is to my friend who is getting married to him.

Now, since the groom-to-be was tied up, I don't blame him as much as the others - there is not much he could do apart from protest I would imagine.

If you knew this information, would you tell your best friend? My first thought was that its none of my business, and I wont mention it, but its been playing on my mind since, and I can imagine how hurt she would be with me if she knew I knew and didn't tell her.

I'm confused as to how you use a statistic which shows a minority of men do something in order to describe the majority how does that work.

Where has the OP gone? Have we frightened her away?

There are SO many facets to this, it's difficult to give a straight answer. However, I can't believe that most of you are urging her to tell her friend - what do you think she would achieve by doing so? Do you REALLY think that it would stop her marrying a cheat/scumbag/disrespecter of women? Or do you think it would turn her life upside down for the sake of one, incredibly foolish (and as some have said, probably misguided face-saving), drunken moment? I genuinely think that, sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Oh, and all you lot screaming about wanting to know, I'm sure you'd feel very differently if it happened to you (and how do you KNOW it hasn't?).

Salt - justification for own behaviour when similar.

ah - stag-do bingo - here we go again!

OP - in your friend's situation, I think I would want to know what happened. Anastaisia made a good suggestion a few pages back where you could tell the bride you have heard some not-so-nice things went on during the stag do and would she like to know. That leaves the onus on her to ask the question or remain oblivious. I think you should be asking your DH more questions too, I find it unlikely that the best man hired strippers and all the stags, except the GTB, left before anything happened...

Oh and classydiva, I think your attitude is more remeniscent of the 1950's in all honesty!

Well, I know it hasn't because my DH didn't have a stag do and has never been on one. Plus he doesn't drink. Oh, and he's not a tosser.

I don't know about you and your best friend but with my closest friends we would have hypothetically discussed this typr of scenario ie. would you wnat to know? And I have told my friends that I would want to know.

What do you think your friend would want? That is how I would make the decision.

Bottle of Rum - you need to get your friend round and your DH will tell her what's happened; he was a witness.

Given the whole party was invovled with prostitutes, there are public health issues for all of the female partners, including you.

How do you feel that your DH was feeling up (at the very least) a prostitute?

On second thoughts - you could just give us a few more details, ie date, place of stag-do etc, then sit back and let somebody who knows somebody blab for you

Tegan - I can't believe that you don't care if you husband fucks other women - as long as it's on a stag do? Fucking hell.

BottleOfRum - I feel sick for you, I really do. I would hate to be in this position. However, if it was my best friend who I know better than I know myself - I would tell her. I would say 'DH told me something that happened on your DF's stag-do, it's only second hand but I think you should know - do you want me to tell you?' Then it's up to her. I would want her to tell me, because you'd feel like suck a fucking idiot when you know that everyone else knew and you didn't. It is her chose to make if she carries on with the wedding or not - no-one elses - but she deserves to know. Be strong - tell her x

I think I would file the whole affair under "None Of My Business", to be honest.

LOL at ignorance is bliss

We must preserve crappy relationships at all costs, heaven forbid people should possibly want to have a relationship with enough respect on both sides that buying services from a prostitute might be seen as unacceptable. Or might prefer to not be in a relationship at all if the choices available right then are put up with being cheated on and lied to or be single.

Or might have an adult relationship that can deal with serious issues and get through it? Yeah, she might not have a problem with it. Fine, once she is offered the information she can decide if she wants to know, and then is she has a problem with it if she says yes.

By the way BottleOfRum, if you do ask her if she wants to know and she says yes; I'd try to make sure that you don't expect her to take any particular path. I would just give her the info; and not act like she ought to leave him or forgive him. Just let her know I was there if she wanted to talk through the options she has, and will support her with whatever she decides.

Arghhhhhh its all so difficult. Whilst I can see all the reasons for telling her (and anastasia and Chandon made good suggestions for letting her know gently/getting DP to tell GTB he spilled the beans to me), I can just see momentsintime's scenario acting out "If this comes out he and he has an ounce of sense he will just deny the bj happened and will say he was p8ssed and that he lied to his mates cos of bravado. She will believe him cos she wants to.
so yeah, actually go ahead and tell your mate cos it'll probably be ok except it really will affect your relationship with her. When they get hitched the groom isnt going to want you around much."

Thats the most likely scenario to happen if I tell her, isn't it?

Put yourself in the position of the friend:

• You have been in a relationship with husband to be for almost 5 years and purport to know him as well as you can. You have your doubts, but on the whole you consider him to be husband material.
• Your best married friend comes over and tells you an unsubstantiated story that she heard from her husband about the going-ons at the stag do. Husband denies it/plays down his responsibility.

There is no way this can just be reported as 'fact' and 'without prejudice'.

Every one who has said yes tell her, has come up with their personal response - what they would do if their partner was cheating. You can only GUESS what your friend's reponse will be (you know her best) and so I think it is just a personal call you have to take.

I know the thread is long, but some of the recent posts have asked about other men on the stag may also have been involved etc. I said a load of posts back that there are loads and loads of photos of all the men in the pub when the groom was with the strippers, and he is the only one absent from the photos, so I asked whether I could just plant the thought in best friend's head "where on earth was your fiance when they were all in that bar together", but it was ruled out for being too catty, which I don't want. Its for that reason (and the fact there were 29men on the stag weekend and its a physical impossibility that 29 men plus three strippers could fit in one hotel room!!) that I don't believe I need to talk to any other the other female partners of men who went, nor should I imply to them that they need to get themselves checked for STDs etc, a massive over-reaction IMO.

I've been thinking about this (so much so I'm not doing any work)

There are lots of issues here which I would be upset about in the bride's position, whatever happened.

First, I would be upset that everybody knew. If I ever found out I would absolutely humiliated that on my wedding day half of the guests knew what had happened.

I would despise his mates (including your DH) forever after for allowing such a thing to happen.

I would not want this man standing up at my wedding and wishing me well. When we got married our best man knew that, although I'm sure a few unseemly things went on on DH's stag, the best man knew I'd have his balls on a plate if he pulled anything like this. And he is my friend too.

However, I don't think this is as simple as a man cheating on his wife. Admittedly the situation is unlikely to be reversed HOWEVER, if someone got very drunk and her friends invited some guys back to their room, and then she was incapacitated in some way and had sex, people would (quite rightly) say that she was raped, even if she didn't protest, shout etc. I don't hear any posters on here claiming 'wtf, she was clearly enjoying it, gagging for it'

I can understand a man not wanting to cry assault to a roomful of his mates on his stag do, especially as in many ways, they were the protagonists.

I can also, on a stag do, understand a stag not wanting to tell his mates that nothing happened, in a drunken bravado kind of way. Shit, but I can see how it happens.

I'm still not sure what to suggest but I don't think this is as simple as 'he cheated, she needs to know'

I also suggest your DH gets some more friends. If he was my DH he would get an absolute bollocking and a bright light shining in his eye asking what he was doing at the time - not spending your time feeling guilty about your mate.

Bottle - what would you do if it was your sister?

Fruitstick - well said. I know of another stag-do where things went very wrong for the groom - bullying of the worst kind - from 'friends'.

I agree with Fruitstick

OP only you know your best friend. you should know best how she will react and whetehr she will want to know and thank you for telling her.