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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WOW - just lost it big style and couldn't care less who thinks IABU!!

162 replies

changingchangingonetwo · 30/11/2010 20:17

Long term poster - nice ham, red rug, dizzymare, Shiney's penguin date etc etc - name changed

Back story - this week has probably been the most stressful week of my career, with today being the pinnacle of that stress. DH has been aware of this. Moderately supportive but been relying on parents for most support and helpful advice.

I usually cook but if I don't get home "in time", then DH will cook. For himself. Beans or similar. Never bothers to text to ask if want anything. This is a massive bone of contention in itself as I think it is completely fucking selfish as I work much longer hours in any event.

As with the rest of the country, we have snow. I left work at 6:50pm after The World's Worst Day (tm). Went via supermarket as thought I would get something nice for us. Fall over on ice. Bang head badly. Arrive home. DH on phone to his mother. He breaks from his call long enough to advise that he has already eaten so no need to cook for him. Removes himself from my vicinity to continue inconsequential chat with his mother. Has not bothered to text or call to ask where I am/what is happening for food/how was today. Nothing.

I have completely lost it. I have never felt like this before in my life. The red mist I have heard of has descended.

I have pulled everything out of the packages which I bought and thrown in the bin. I have literally ripped of my work clothes which are now unwearable - I couldn't give a fuck. I just managed to restrain myself from trashing the kitchen.

I have barricaded myself in the spare room with the chest of drawers. It is all I can do to restrain myself from physically attacking H. I have NEVER felt anger like this before which is actually quite scary. Prior to tonight, I have NEVER even considered hitting someone. I actually could take a baseball bat to his car (his pride and joy).

I had thought that I might calm down when posting but it has actually made me even more angry.

I don't actually know why I am posting.

OP posts:
spidookly · 30/11/2010 21:30

It is totally shit luck.

What a day you've had :(

HelenLG · 30/11/2010 21:32

You may have to sit down stairs, but you don't have to talk.

Just ask him to leave it tonight and that when you're ready you'll talk about it.

booyhoo · 30/11/2010 21:34

Op if i had been in your shoes i most likely would have come home, started a row, screamed and shouted, slammed doors and one of us would have walked out in temper (speaking as if i was still with EXP, thankfully i am not Grin) so i really do think you have done the best thing by taking your rage away from him.

those posters who are saying her behaviour is unacceptable. what is taht you find unacceptable? anger is a natural and healthy emotion. each of us experience anger. how we deal with it varies greatly and OP has dealt with her anger by removing herself from the person she is angry with. what would you have suggested she do other than this, bearing in mind the level of anger she was feeling?

BootyMum · 30/11/2010 21:36

I know you might have said this in [partial] jest but I felt sad when I read your comment that as DH is a health care professional it would be embarrassing for him if you died...
I don't think you feel that DH really cares about you as his partner and I think this is what has made you feel so emotionally out of control Sad

Although at this time I agree with posters who say you should be observed as you have had a head injury and this may have had some effect on your mood...
It is very sad that you are getting more understanding, support and caring from posters here than you have had from the one person who should be most anxious about you, your DH.
Wish we could be there with you to hold your hand and sending you a big hug.

ravenAK · 30/11/2010 22:00

Get your head looked at!

My first dh fell over & whacked his head. Refused to go to hospital, went to bed with a headache. I found him unconscious later that night & called an ambulance.

He never regained consciousness. It turned out that he'd fractured his skull, leading to massive brain swelling & damage. (He'd also broken his neck, which only became apparent when he was X-rayed whilst in a coma).

He had absolutely no idea he'd done anything worse than given himself a bump on the head.

OK, rare, but all head injuries caused by a full-on fall & a whack on a hard surface merit looking at by a professional.

...oh & yanbu. I'd be pissed off too!

blackeyedsusan · 30/11/2010 22:01

Changing, how is your head and how are you feeling now?

If you don't want dp to observe you overnight, ask a friend/ other relative or take yourself down to A&E and ask them to take a look at you. After your tough week and tougher day you deserve some looking after, you need to look after your health first.

hope you are ok.

ChippingIn · 30/11/2010 22:07

I hope you are asleep now - you must be exhausted.

There was nothing wrong with what you did -nothing at all. It was very self controlled.

Maybe tomorrow read the thread and see how you feel about what everyone has posted...

Honestly - his head is clearly far too up his own arse to see anyone else - even/especially you.

He is a monumentally selfish man who needs to be told a few home truths.

How dare he allow you to come home night after night, after him, and cook you both dinner... on top of that he randomly decides if you are home early enough to cook for you both or if he will simply cook for himself - not giving you a single thought. He doesn't even bother to ring you to see where you are or if he can make you anything? Tonight wouldn't have happened if he had called to say he was hungry and would make you both something to eat for when you get in.... but no - you traipse to the supermarket to get you both something nice for dinner, have a fall and it carries on from there....

He needs a HUGE kick up the arse.

ChippingIn · 30/11/2010 22:09

Raven - OMG I wasn't expecting that. I am so so sorry :( That must have been a really really awful time for you x

bellavita · 30/11/2010 22:17

Hope you are ok OP x

Unrulysun · 30/11/2010 22:28

OP can you take time off tomorrow? Is the work stress coming to an end or will it continue beyond this week?

Pinkieminx · 30/11/2010 22:34

Am amazed you showed such restraint TBH. Yes your DH could not have known about head but he knew the rest. For him to shout at you for wanting to be away from him - you're not selfish, you're sensible. When the person you love and should be able to rely on treats you as inconsequentail it is infuriating.

Anger is a normal reaction and expressing it the way you did seems fine to me - no shouting, violence against DH or anything else damaging (apart from clothes!!). Think you felt like running away due to the old 'fight or flight' instinct. Well done for doing neither and just taking some time.

MissMashMissMash · 30/11/2010 22:44

YANBU - You are right to be annoyed. Do whatever it takes to calm down. I find that listening to music through headphones can help as it blocks out the rest of the world. Also writing feelings down. Ripping paper can help with rage as it can get out frustration without hurting, yourself or anyone else or damaging anything important. Oh and call NHS direct/go to A&E re your head

ItalianLady · 01/12/2010 07:25

How are you this morning OP? Please just post something so we know you are okay.

Spinkle · 01/12/2010 07:56

I think some/most men's deafault factory setting is 'it's all about me, I'm a selfish git'

It takes a good woman to knock it out of him. Which you have now done. Good on you. He may now think twice.

I hope you are feeling better this morning.

spidookly · 01/12/2010 08:01

Agree with Italian, would be great to know you're OK before you go back to your regular name and posting about fruitshoots and advent calendars (or whatever you like to do around here) :)

Original poster
changingchangingonetwo · 01/12/2010 08:31

Hi all - thank you for your lovely messages.

I have emailed work to say I won't be in today and am just going to have a quiet day at home.

Head feels ok - I went to sleep early and not sure how\when DH actually checked Hmm. He certainly hasn't this morning.

I will need to speak to him but too tired now as his position is that this is all part of some vile plot to stop him speaking to his parents. Hmm again.

I'm not sure where this selfish thing re the food comes from. It is definitely - to be fair to them - not something his parents would do but I'm sick to death of it, bearing in mind I do all shopping and cooking.

OP posts:
Original poster
changingchangingonetwo · 01/12/2010 08:42

Ps -raven - I'm terribly sorry to hear about your husband. What a terrible thing to happen x

OP posts:
Original poster
changingchangingonetwo · 01/12/2010 08:43

Ps -raven - I'm terribly sorry to hear about your husband. What a terrible thing to happen x

OP posts:
belgo · 01/12/2010 08:45

Cahangingchangingonetwo - please go to the GP today and get your head checked. it will also give you a chance to talk to someone objective and maybe even get a bit of sympathy, which your husband is clearly not capable of giving you.

I don't know how you can put the 'd' in front of H.

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 01/12/2010 08:46

OMG raven how awful

I think you were wise to have a quiet day at home OP. It's ok to lose it sometimes, we are all just human after all and your dh has developped a habit of being thoughtless, probably had never really sunk into his head

kreecherlivesupstairs · 01/12/2010 08:50

OP, do go and get your head checked out, you gave yourself a nasty bang.
Leave the talk with your H till you've found out that you are OK.

Original poster
changingchangingonetwo · 01/12/2010 09:00

Yes - am going to go to walk in centre today re head.

I'm quite speechless at DH to be honest.

I would prefer to keep out of his way until I have recovered my equilibrium as I really on't feel up to an argument.

TBH, the lack of care re th ehead thing is now completely moved on from thr food etc which now seems quite trivial in comparison.

OP posts:
Itsjustafleshwound · 01/12/2010 09:08

I know this is a odd thing to suggest, but have you thought of going on some type of anti-depressant?

Personally, I think your actions were quite restrained - I would also have hit the roof if I was treated in such a contemptible way as your DH treated you!!

I hope you feel better soon and find that happy place ...

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain · 01/12/2010 09:09

and I definitely do not think you were being unreasonable to feel angry.

Hope your head is alright and dh behaves better when he gets in tonight.

Original poster
changingchangingonetwo · 01/12/2010 09:16

Hmmm, not sure re the anti-depressants. Will speak to the doctor.

I had always presumed that my stress was situational - i.e. caused by work and certain types of DH's behaviour. That being the case, I need to try and change the situations rather than trying to find ways to medically cope with them.

Not sure though so will ask

OP posts:
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