WOW - just lost it big style and couldn't care less who thinks IABU!!

[changingchangingonetwo]

Long term poster - nice ham, red rug, dizzymare, Shiney's penguin date etc etc - name changed

Back story - this week has probably been the most stressful week of my career, with today being the pinnacle of that stress. DH has been aware of this. Moderately supportive but been relying on parents for most support and helpful advice.

I usually cook but if I don't get home "in time", then DH will cook. For himself. Beans or similar. Never bothers to text to ask if want anything. This is a massive bone of contention in itself as I think it is completely fucking selfish as I work much longer hours in any event.

As with the rest of the country, we have snow. I left work at 6:50pm after The World's Worst Day (tm). Went via supermarket as thought I would get something nice for us. Fall over on ice. Bang head badly. Arrive home. DH on phone to his mother. He breaks from his call long enough to advise that he has already eaten so no need to cook for him. Removes himself from my vicinity to continue inconsequential chat with his mother. Has not bothered to text or call to ask where I am/what is happening for food/how was today. Nothing.

I have completely lost it. I have never felt like this before in my life. The red mist I have heard of has descended.

I have pulled everything out of the packages which I bought and thrown in the bin. I have literally ripped of my work clothes which are now unwearable - I couldn't give a fuck. I just managed to restrain myself from trashing the kitchen.

I have barricaded myself in the spare room with the chest of drawers. It is all I can do to restrain myself from physically attacking H. I have NEVER felt anger like this before which is actually quite scary. Prior to tonight, I have NEVER even considered hitting someone. I actually could take a baseball bat to his car (his pride and joy).

I had thought that I might calm down when posting but it has actually made me even more angry.

I don't actually know why I am posting.

[Unrulysun]

Glad to hear you're ok and not in work.

:)

[spikeycow]

I think it is mostly situational. Major stress can affect brain chemicals but even if you got onto anti d's with someone sucking the life out of you I don't know how much help they'd be. Speak to MIND for advice on that.

[Itsjustafleshwound]

The only thing you have control over is your behaviour and how you react to others. Being in a constantly stressful environment both at home and at work just exacerbates emotions and muddies the water. It appears from your posting that your DH is not the supportive partner you need and he is just adding to your stress.

I am in no way advocating pill popping, but it has helped me tremendously coping with the outside stress and it isn't a 'forever' or an addictive thing ..

Do you have a friend or a family member who can be your go-to and a support?

I wish you all the best!

[LoveAndSqualor]

changing - I went on anti-ds for six months for situational depression (job stress, splitting up with partner when DS was 6mo, etc et-fecking-c) and they really helped - just gave me a way through. They don't address the underlying problems - ie your DH being a buttfink - but they can help YOU address them, by giving you a bit of mental space.

I was also surprised to learn, when I spoke to my GP, that things like anxiety and insomnia are signs of depression too. I didn't think I was 'depressed' because I didn't feel sad, really, just incredibly stressed.

HTH. And v glad you're taking the day off. Feet up! Watch TV! Drink tea!

[BobMarley]

Sorry, I have only scanned through the thread so apologies if I get this wrong or has already been mentioned.

I think the OP needs to get more assertive, I don't get the impression you have made it very clear to your DH - in a very calm, concise manner - what is bugging you about the way he is acting. All the resentment has been storing up, combined with stress at work and you boiled over. You need to speak up, woman!

I find that too many women expect their husband's to read their minds, and then complain that their husbands can't. You have to spell out to them exactly what it is that is bugging you, why, and what you want him to do. And not in an angry way. Just tell them, it is not that difficult and you will feel better.

[peeringintothevoid]

Just read the whole thread. YANBU OP (well, a bit U, but understandably under the circumstances). I really hope you feel better today. If I were you, I wouldn't be cooking another meal for your DH until you've discussed how inconsiderate he's been. Could it be that he's a crap cook and thinks that you wouldn't want to eat what he cooks anyway? Just a thought - and doesn't excuse his behaviour.

PerfumedLife FFS get your BIL back to the hospital!!! I hope you see this, as your comment was pages ago. [very worried emoticon]

[mayorquimby]

How the hell was this greeted with a chorus of "YANBU", of course the op was unreasonable.

[Itsjustafleshwound]

Mayor - I don't really think the op was looking for a yes/no answer and usual bunfight or questioning why she had posted where she did ...

[Janos]

When someone who is clearly distressed starts a thread like this you do wonder why some people feel the need to come on and have a go.

Yes it's AIBU but try and have some compassion please.

[mayorquimby]

Which is fair enough if people want to then offer support. But to tell her she's not being unreasonable and to blame the husband and brand him a selfish wanker etc. is hardly helpful. Will just mean she thinks her anger is justified when she's clearly being unreasonable. (as has been evidenced by this thread by her continued barricade/refusal to talkj to her husband who must be pretty bemused.)

[Janos]

Changing, followed this thread last night and really feel for you as you sound very distressed. Glad you are getting checked out today at the centre.

[Janos]

Whatever mq.

[mayorquimby]

whatevs

[changingchangingonetwo]

MQ - I do see your point. However, (one of) the reason(s) I flipped out last night was because it is really beyond my comprehension to make something for myself and not to text/ask DH if he wants anything. He could have even texted to ask if I wanted the oven on.

Actually, a few years ago, I flipped out at him (not as badly) as he had a charming habit of not bothering to open the front door for me, even though he could see I was there.

Matters came to a head after I had got up at 4:30am to travel to Glasgow. Worked all day and then travelled back. I appeared home at 11:00pm and the taxi driver helped me to the door with all of my bags. He saw DH sitting, happily ensconsed in the lounge, watching the TV and WATCHING US as I tried to find my keys and told me to "sort it out".

I blew my top then too and to be fair DH now always answers the door.

It's as though normal, social norms pass him by.

[mayorquimby]

"However, (one of) the reason(s) I flipped out last night was because it is really beyond my comprehension to make something for myself and not to text/ask DH if he wants anything. He could have even texted to ask if I wanted the oven on."

And that is something that is a valid bone of contention and needs addressing. My only point was that you snapped and handled it badly.
Others have suggested how people would react if it were gender reversal, but even if we are not to reverse the genders just the perspective it would still paint a picture of a poor reaction.
I.E. Your husband had not talked to you yet that day so had no idea you fell and had other stressful things that went on (you say he didn't call or text to check if you were ok but equally one could say you never texted to let him know you'd be late etc. in other words I think nobody is at fault for not contacting the other so I don't see how you can hold it against him). Then when you came in he was on the phone to his mum, he broke off the conversation to say a quick hello and tell you he'd eaten. This is the straw that breaks the camels back and you trash the shopping and barricade yourself in a room refusing to talk to him.
Now unfortunately the straw came on top of other things (the fall/the stress and hold up getting home and the lack of call/text) all of which your husband had no knowledge of.

So I think there are definitely issues to be sorted for which you'd have more than valid reasons to feel aggrieved, I just think the way you handled this was completely unreasonable and overtly aggressive in this situation.

[spidookly]

changing I must admit I don't fully understand why you're so cross with your DH.

I'm not saying you have no reason to be, and clearly lots of other people think you are fully justified, it's just that your anger with him seems so incoherent.

Even the fact that it has moved on from the dinner thing to his lack of care last night - what exactly was it you wanted him to do?

Because last night you could hardly bear to be in the same room with him, so I can see why he might have been a little confused as to what was expected of him.

There seems to have been a build up of lots of frustration over a long time, but to me anyway, what's coming out now is not constructive anger but unfocused dissatisfaction,

Maybe when you're still so tired and maybe unwell you should try to put this aside and come back to it when you can think more clearly?

[StuffingGoldBrass]

I think a divorce would be more effective for the OP's stress levels than medication. It's blindingly obvious that this man considers the OP as a 'woman' ie there to service him and bottom of his priority list. He shows no interest in her wellbeing, no interest in her day, has to be prompted to the most basic of common courtesy such as opening the door for her...

[tigitigi]

I think you are both BUR - he sounds as though he needs to take a little more care of you and you sound as though you have flipped big time (which you know)but you have done the right thing by taking yourself out of it. If this is really not you on a normal stressy day you need to get your head checked out as that could be contributing to your behaviour.

I hope it all works out and things get better.

[Pinkieminx]

How is it unreasonable to finally flip when you reach end of tether Everyone has a breaking point - sounds as if OP tries to tell DH he is acting selfishly but he doesn't hear it until she flips.

[InPraiseOfBacchus]

I think you need to have a think - is this JUST about dinner tonight? It must have been clear you'd hurt yourself (Have you been to the doctor about that, by the way? Hope it feels better) and were in need of some care. It's (maybe) telling that he abandoned you that evening in favour of "Mummy"... is he a bit of a pampered boy, perhaps?

Either way, it seems as though this is more an issue of persistent neglect of your needs - people don't blow up like this over one or two inconsiderate actions.

I am loathe to just pin it down to a mental disorder, sit you in a chair and fill you full of pills, like they did to women up until only a few decades ago who expressed unhappiness in their relationship.

You have to be firm with yourself - do you see this genuinely getting better, or is it time for your sanity to take priority over this relationship?

I wish you all the best, not just with your sore head!

[tooposhtopost]

OP, poor you . I know what you mean about lack of care making you rethink a whole relationship. On the day-to-day basis (you doing everything you can for DH, him doing little or nothing for you) it is easy to kid yourself that he loves you really. If, however, he THEN doesn't pull through when you really need him then it chips away at any feelings of being a team/the illusion that he cares for you. FGS even a "FLATMATE" would be concerned about you if you had a head injury.

Not cooking for you when he could and is cooking for himself, not answering the door, not caring for you when you are ill are not good signs. He would do that stuff if he loved you. So sorry. It took me 20 years to realise that myself.

I honestly don't think this comes down to any mental problem of YOURS. Anyone in your position would feel hurt and disappointed and if, as it seems, there is a history of his non-caring then perhaps it all just clicks

[changingchangingonetwo]

Hi all - I went to the doctor today and all seems OK with the head, which is good.

I really appreciate all of your posts and intend to have a full and frank discussion with DH re this issue when I am feeling less tired. Doc advised this in the first instance.

Having today off was wonderful for re-charging the batteries.

Pinkie, your point really struck a chord. It seems that DH can't/wont change until he I flip out at him and there is a "crisis". We need to sort this out.

[spidookly]

That is very good. I'm relieved :)

Hope you can get some clarity on your situation and your DH listens well without the necessity of another crisis.

[Pinkieminx]

I hope it was a helpful one There is a lot to be said for talking DH and I went to relate- it has helped us talk to each other instead of either me 'nagging', him 'ignoring' or me 'blowing-up' and him 'reacting' (am using naffo inverted commas as that is what DH and I called these things before we got some help)