WOW - just lost it big style and couldn't care less who thinks IABU!!

[changingchangingonetwo]

Long term poster - nice ham, red rug, dizzymare, Shiney's penguin date etc etc - name changed

Back story - this week has probably been the most stressful week of my career, with today being the pinnacle of that stress. DH has been aware of this. Moderately supportive but been relying on parents for most support and helpful advice.

I usually cook but if I don't get home "in time", then DH will cook. For himself. Beans or similar. Never bothers to text to ask if want anything. This is a massive bone of contention in itself as I think it is completely fucking selfish as I work much longer hours in any event.

As with the rest of the country, we have snow. I left work at 6:50pm after The World's Worst Day (tm). Went via supermarket as thought I would get something nice for us. Fall over on ice. Bang head badly. Arrive home. DH on phone to his mother. He breaks from his call long enough to advise that he has already eaten so no need to cook for him. Removes himself from my vicinity to continue inconsequential chat with his mother. Has not bothered to text or call to ask where I am/what is happening for food/how was today. Nothing.

I have completely lost it. I have never felt like this before in my life. The red mist I have heard of has descended.

I have pulled everything out of the packages which I bought and thrown in the bin. I have literally ripped of my work clothes which are now unwearable - I couldn't give a fuck. I just managed to restrain myself from trashing the kitchen.

I have barricaded myself in the spare room with the chest of drawers. It is all I can do to restrain myself from physically attacking H. I have NEVER felt anger like this before which is actually quite scary. Prior to tonight, I have NEVER even considered hitting someone. I actually could take a baseball bat to his car (his pride and joy).

I had thought that I might calm down when posting but it has actually made me even more angry.

I don't actually know why I am posting.

[SpeedyGonzalez]

Wow, changing, how incredibly stressful. I'm glad your head is ok. Your DH does sound very self-centred, he just doesn't think about things which really ought to be obvious. However. I am struggling to understand how things could have got to this 'last straw' situation, as MQ described it. Have you had discussions about this stuff with your DH over the years, or do you usually suffer in silence and then flip when something breaks your patience?

[changingchangingonetwo]

DH already started listening and came to speak to me when he got in which is good.

To be fair to him, after listening to him, he really didn't mean to be a thoughtless turd and seemed to have genuinely thought my book club meeting was last night . I'm hoping the fact that he is thoughtless and daft rather than malicious means we can sort out going forward.

I think one of the problems is that he is very practical and always wants to fix things. So hearing about my problems at work seems to make him feel really helpless as he can't sort them out even though I have told him I just want him to listen.

Thank you all so much for all of your support and help - I really have appreciated it. MN never lets you down!

[EightiesChick]

Focusing on one thing, at the very least, I think you should suggest two changes to your eating arrangements:

a) you each take turns to cook alternate nights (note: 'cooking' can include assembling meal items without much skills being needed as long as they're edible and the household budget isn't smashed in the process)

b)if for any reason one of you wishes to change those arrangements on a particular night, they have to at least text and say so (no getting home to 'I've had a shit day so I'm just not up to cooking tonight..' as you walk in the door expecting food to be ready)

[AnyoneforTurps]

Is there any chance your DH could have high functioning Asperger's? (perfectly possible to have this and be a HCP) Some of the things you mention like always wanting to fix things and not understanding social rules (like opening the door) sound like Asperger's though - to be fair - they are also fairly common traits in men generally.

Link here

[Pinkieminx]

IME all the men I've ever known want to fix things - they can't just listen and empathise - I am surrounded by men and long for a woman to say 'oh, how awful, that'd piss me off to' rather than 'what do you want me to do about it'!!

[spidookly]

Any - I wondered that too, although I don't really know enough about it to suggest it with any authority.

I know a lot of people found the door thing beyond the pale, but I know a number of very decent, good men I can imagine doing that.

They'd think "she's got a key, I don't need to let her in"

Not saying it is a male thing particularly, just all the people I can imagine doing it are male. (except for maybe me :o)

"I'm hoping the fact that he is thoughtless and daft rather than malicious means we can sort out going forward. "

I hope so too, if that's what you want :)

[RevoltingPeasant]

Changing

Haven't read whole thread yet, so sorry if this is irrelevant. But if not.

1 No matter how your DH has behaved, and no matter what you feel now, remember: you will NOT feel like in twelve hours, but whatever you say/ do will be with you for good. Take it from someone who has felt like you do tonight: you may still feel angry later, but not this bad. But if you tell DH to fuck off, you want a divorce, you damage his property -- that never ever goes away.

2 Career stress is very, very hard. Often the hardest thing is, it feels like you're the only one who cares. Partners/ friends don't 'get' it, even if they do care. They don't get how you go over and over stuff that has happened in your head. Do you think you are in an unhealthy work situation?

I used to feel like you do not uncommonly; I cchanged jobs and suddenly don't feel insane anymore. It is worth thinking about -- but that's one for the road. Right now, try to take care of yourself and remember that anything you tonight will have consequences down the line.

[changingchangingonetwo]

SPidookly - that was his exact reasoning re the key thing!

To be fair, he listened and changed when I explained to shouted at him about the door.

However, he just seems a bit thoughtless sometimes.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Changing, so sorry: I only got on this thread tonight, didn't read the date, only the times, and thought you had started posting this earlier tonight.





But, what I said about career stress holds. Sometimes you don't see how nutty a work environment has become till you're out of it. Have you got anyone who works in the same/ similar profession, but not in your office, who can talk to you about the reasonableness of your situation?

Really hope you are okay. But you know, you cannot go on living in a situation where you end up feeling like that. It is hurting you.

[spidookly]

"However, he just seems a bit thoughtless sometimes."

But it's not even thoughtless if he's thinking about it but just coming to odd conclusions :o

In the key situation with the taxi driver he could have been sitting there delighted you were home and entirely happy with his conclusion that he didn't need to open the door for you.

I'm not sure genuinely inconsiderate, entitled people ever change their behaviour permanently because it's not that they don't KNOW it's rude, it's that they don't CARE.

Sorry, I'm not meaning to defend him and say you had no reason to be angry and disappointed. It must be very frustrating to have to explain little things like that all the time.

[marriednotdead]

Another late arrival here, just read the whole thread and hope you're feeling a bit calmer.

I also thought about the Aspergers/ASD possibility, largely because your DH's behaviour sounds a lot like my DS and ExP (his dad).

It may not be the case, but reading up a little on it may help you understand certain behaviours he displays. My DS is very literal and has to have expectations for a given situation laid out clearly. Once he's grasped them (and it makes sense to him), there's not as many problems.

Fingers crossed that your head is feeling better.

[DirtyMartini]

Also wondered about Asperger's! My brother has it. Your DH does sound like he could be 'on the spectrum'.

Regardless, I hope things improve.