to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

candlestick - I'm sure it's not his aim, no. But that may end up being the reality.

I don't know what the OP's partner's working hours are, but if he sees very little of his DD during the week, and spends the majority of Saturdays during the Summer away from her, then she will see very little of him, and he her.

bad typing cos my right arm is in sling after an operation but my dad played cricket every sat til he was in his fifties. sometimes me and bro or sis went with him but he ignored us totally all day and it was sooooooo boring. he aND my mother had MONUMENTAL rows about it every bloody weekend which was horrid, distressing and made for miserable times. there werer five of us kids btw.

i felt he was selfish and yet loathed my mum for screaming at him too. he also worked v long hours in the week. frankly we didn't see much of him and my memory of him is as an old and distant shouted-at stubborn bloke.

cricket ruined our family life.

"brain dead sports widows who are quite happy to perpetuate some kind of mindless 1950s view of life."

Oh yes that's me

Can I just point out - that girls and women play cricket too. (and they're actually more successful than our men on the world arena). It's not a "male only" sport.

When you have kids - you've got to be prepared to ADAPT you lifestyle - you cannot carry on as before will all your little hobbies.

This guy is arguing like the man-child he is - he needs reminding that parenthood is upon him now, and he will have to ADAPT, and maybe sacrifice or compromise some of his indulgences.

"It's a great idea... the kids love it." Er, and the OP doesn't. And do ALL the kids love it? Really? Have you done a survey?

"Why so bitter?" Sorry? What are you talking about? I'm finding this thread hilarious.

Also, it's reminding me of that sailing thread.

spidookly we don't know that the father is working full time. "I'll help round the house" suggests that he's doing most of the housework so could well be a SAHD or a WAHD. We do know that the mother will be working full-time because she said so.

SHE HAS NOT DEMANDED HE GIVES UP CRICKET, FFS. Read the OP. She has suggested a compromise and he went off on one about it and muttered dark threats about having dumped previous partners for less.

As for all the other stuff on here..... well! All I can say is that if there are so many women out there who are happy to play single parents for a large chunk of the family "downtime" while their DH buggers off out in such an entitled manner, then fine. Get on with it. But don't come whingeing on here at a later date when it begins to pall.

It's the unfairness of it that bugs me most. That it's their "right" somehow, because boys like to play with other boys, whilst the girls hold the coats.

Yes, it probably will LitChick, if the OP continues to be so controlling.

I agree with the people who said the way the OP presented the problem and solution could be part of the issue here.

What you've got here is a joint problem of lots more demands on a limited amount of time. Both partners have needs for their own down time, and the family needs some time together. Is there a way to get all these needs fulfilled?

There are probably lots of different solutions to that problem, but what happened here is that the OP skipped the stage of saying "we're going to have this problem - let's discuss solutions", and jumped straight to presenting her own preferred solution (less cricket) as the only one. That would piss me off too, especially if the solution being presented to me as the only one was one which meant me giving up half of something I love as much as the OP's partner loves cricket.

It might actually be the best solution, but you can't just impose it, you have to reach that conclusion together having started by defining the problem clearly.

We don't know for sure that the OP's partner wouldn't happily let her have a precisely equivalent number of Saturdays 'off' out of the cricket season, or happily build in lots of family time to make up for the cricket Saturdays, or even give her the ten hours on Sundays. He hasn't actually been offered those as options as far as I can see, he's just been told that skipping half his cricket matches will be the best thing to do. He hasn't moved past reacting to that to considering alternatives because that's what he's been told should happen.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying his shouting was justified, and the dumping girlfriends for less comment is horrible. But the way the problem/solution were presented would tend to make anyone dig their heels in and resist (it's called reactance, I think).

If the OP actually wants to solve the problem and get the family time and me time for herself, her best bet might be to go back to the start, apologise for jumping straight to one solution before exploring others, < space here for corresponding apology from OP's partner for shouting and horrible comments >, and start a joint conversation about all the possible ways they could arrange their time and weekends so that both partners get what's important to them with roughly equal amounts of compromise.

They may even end up with the same solution but if they do then having got there together will make all the difference.

Is it me or does anyone else find the concept of 'family time' utterly depressing?

If he will really leave his partner and DD over amateur cricket ( I mean have you seen these teams????) then, he's no man really is he?

Why is suggesting a solution controlling, but threatening to dump someone if they don't fall in with their wishes reasonable?

Do I live in a parallel universe?

"I know plenty of mothers who are alone on Saturdays because their DP is working."

Totally different issue, bonsoir as you surely know.

I'd planned a big post, but CBA. He's a selfish twunt. He needs to realise that they are having a baby, it's a joint responsibility, he needs to grow up and realise that his life, as well as the OP's is going to change.

YANBU, OP. You are more than reasonable with your suggestions he's just being a childish selfish twunt thinking that his life won't change with the resonsibility of having a dc. And as for the emotional blackmail of 'I've left other GF for less'...Twunt of the highest order, DO NOT put up with that, call him on it, if he wants to leave if he throws his rattle out of the pram for not getting his own way, let him. Better to know sooner that he's always going to put his wants above yours and your dc's needs rather than later. Good luck!

Litchick!!

She'd be well off out of it, actually.

ggg you are so reasonable.

You're right, I'm just assuming that the kind of man who thinks he should threaten to leave his wife because she doesn't accept his assumption that she will look after their child for 10 hours every Saturday is not the kind of man who is happy to let his wife be the sole wage earner.

It's perfectly possible that he is sexist in some ways but not it all.

Actually, the 1950s scenario is one of nuclear families sticking together in suburban DIY and family tea party land all weekend. Everyone off pursuing individual goals and interests is the liberated view of the family

All the kids there when we did it had a great time. Set up their own game, enjoyed a whole day outside, with their family and friends. Mum's sat round chatting, drinking, sunbathing, blokes did the barbeque once the game was finished. Fond memories.

My Dh and I went through this.

I could not make him stay home, also, I felt that he shoudl do what he wants. BUT, the same rules apply to me.

So if he is out all day Saturday, I would go out all day on Sunday, alone, leaving the DC with him whilst I would go to:
-see a film with a friend
-go to a Spa or just the swimming pool (kid free zone in the afternoons as everyone goes mornings)

• go into town on my own

-library Starbucks with a bunch of mags etc etc.

Trying to make him stay home won't work, nagging won't work.

Like you, i did not fancy hanging around every time to do the tea. Still, I would go with the DC to "support" DH about once a month (I am not unreasonable), but defo NOT every week.

Yes, we did not have a lot of "family" time together, but what the heck. I did enjoy my days off, and most importantly: DH found his Sundays at home with teh DC a bit lonely and dull.

HE HAD TO EXPERIENCE THIS A FAIR FEW TIMES TO UNDERSTAND HOW I FELT ON SATURDAYS. I think people, men in particularly only learn from experiencing something, not from being told something in this case.

it is give and take now, he sometimes cancels a match for us to off for a weekend as a family (you need to plan in advance though, to men hanging around the house does not count as a plan), and I sometiems go up and cheer him on.

You'll have to find a balance.

And you'll HAVE to go out yourself, do it and enjoy it.

gosh fancy that - some women ENJOY going to the cricket. Not becaus they want to perpetuate some kind of mindless 1950's view of life - but because they enjoy it.

I have to say some of the mindless sexism on this thread saddens me:

Only men enjoy their sport enough to make it a regular part of their life, with our without children

Some sports are for "men" only

Women only enjoy going shopping, having their hair cut etc

No woman enjoys watching or playing sport enough to go along and watch when their OH plays voluntarily.

I do not think it is totally different whether a partner is working or pursuing sport. Why would it be?

A "solution". Her DH doesn't see it as a problem though.

ilove - I think the idea that a family schedule time to do x or y, may seem not depressing, but perhaps, strained or forced.

However, when couples work and children go to school, there is little time duing the week to just be together.

Yet that time is essential, I feel.