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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

663 replies

HollyBollyBooBoo · 30/11/2010 03:32

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

OP posts:
spidookly · 30/11/2010 18:48

Guys, the baby is already born.

"In an ideal situation, people would discuss such life changing things before they do them, and discuss division of labour/childcare"

Why?

I had my DDs in pretty much the ideal situation and we never discussed or thought about any of those things.

Any discussions we had had beforehand would have been entirely pointless because we would have had no idea what we were talking about.

I think it is far nicer to be able to trust your partner to be flexible and roll with the changes that life throws at you than be sitting around having hypothetical discussions about things you necessarily know nothing about.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/11/2010 18:52

me neither spidookly. These things crop up, and you just hope that you know each other well enough, can communicate well enough, can tolerate and try and see the other's POV, through a fog of sleep deprivation.

foxinsocks · 30/11/2010 18:54

lol this thread made me chuckle

I think we each have an amount we can tolerate. Dh plays football and watches football and I knew would want that to continue. I had no problem with that and now ds is older, he goes with him. Annoyingly though, his working situation changed and now he works on weekends too so we have even less 'family time' (whatever that may mean).

I think the issue isn't how many hours it is, or how many saturdays it will be, or who gets more hours to themselves, it's the attitude that comes with it. So it's a completely different kettle of fish to be married to someone who says 'oh I've been a member of this team for 10 years, I don't want to let them down, it's only for these saturdays in summer and I won't stay for drinks unless we get a sitter and you come too' to the person who says 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less' (priceless!).

onceamai · 30/11/2010 19:01

Oh goodness me Jamie Lee and Spidookly perhaps I didn't object to DH's sport because I am such a control freak that all decisions have to be made after a careful consideration of all the facts in a forensic and objective way. Thought about it, accepted it, agreed it, did it, stuck to it. OMG I think I even made a pros and cons list before DH proposed - just in case Blush.

spidookly · 30/11/2010 19:06

"OMG I think I even made a pros and cons list before DH proposed - just in case"

You should NEVER do that!

Haven't you seen Friends?

What if one of your friends printed it out from his new laptop and your intended had read it and seen that you thought he had fat ankles and a crap job?

40deniertights · 30/11/2010 19:20

Finding this thread strangely compulsive. It's been a slow day. All the people suggesting that holly should go to cricket and enjoy a "fun family day" are missing the point that she is a baby. Until the dd is about five she probably won't enjoy it much. I feel faint at the thought of trying to keep a two year old from running amok at the cricket pitch. I tried it once and lasted an hour. I think it is a shame that the OP's DH did not realise this was a conversation that had to happen. DH and I both have hobbies outside the home (HOH) which we slowed down on for a while, but now the youngest is 3.5, we are picking up again.

gingerwig · 30/11/2010 19:21

OP you must encourage him in his cricket.

It is a good way of ensuring he never gets into CYCLING

40deniertights · 30/11/2010 19:22

It used to be the stretching into the evening that annoyed me, even before we had dc. It was the actual game, not drinking, which lasted til about 8.30. Ruined the sat eve as well as the day.

onceamai · 30/11/2010 19:23

Spidookly, in those days there weren't lap tops!! 20 years in June - and still love him to bits - in spite of the cricket!

gingerwig · 30/11/2010 19:25

Ilovemydog, I too find the concept of "family time' utterly depressing

BitOfFun · 30/11/2010 19:28

I don't really think of it as family time. I think of it as Thank Fuck I'm Not On My Own With The Kids time.

40deniertights · 30/11/2010 19:32

Me too BoF. It is just easier having two of us refereeing and bribing.

spidookly · 30/11/2010 19:40

"I think of it as Thank Fuck I'm Not On My Own With The Kids time." :o

Me too!

clam · 30/11/2010 19:42

Yup, me too!
We need an MN definition of terms. That's going in.

Truckulent · 30/11/2010 19:46

It this just a vent or do people not enjoy being on their own with their children much?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 30/11/2010 19:52

clam and spid if you outed yourselves with pics and a profile I might be interested in what you have to say. Its easy to hide behind a pretend name though isn't it. Wink

I know. Because I have done the same on this thread.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/11/2010 19:52

not when they are little and vile and you have been with them all week day and night. That may just be me though Truckulent

clam · 30/11/2010 19:53

Well, judging by many of the AIBU threads on MN, it would seem that the vast majority of men would do anything to avoid being with their kids. But it's OK, coz it also seems as if there are loads of women who accept it as their lot in life because, apparently (according to someone upthread) "it's part of the package" and what we have to accept when we marry men with hobbies.
Not in this house.

clam · 30/11/2010 19:54

UA my pretend name is about to be binned, thanks to hully.

Original poster
HollyBollyBooBoo · 30/11/2010 19:54

Thanks so much for all the responses, part of me wants to print all of the 24 (!!) pages out for DH to read but that would just inflate his male ego even further.

My summary:

  1. I did not approach the whole topic with DH correctly, what started as a casual thought in my head didn't come out of my mouth as well as it should have and therefore I didn't get the result I wanted (i.e a discussion not a shouting match).
  1. I feel I can rightfully ask DH to consider how much time he spends doing his own activities, and we do need to work out how life will be when I'm back at work FT.
  1. DH is a knob for saying what he said and I deserve an apology.

Am I allowed to bow out of my own thread? Feel we've done it to death!!

OP posts:
spidookly · 30/11/2010 19:55

I don't enjoy being on my own with my children that much, no. It's quite hard work to manage a baby and a toddler by myself if I want to get anything done, or if I want to go somewhere.

When all four of us are together it's much more relaxed.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/11/2010 19:57

should add mine are 7 and 10 now and I rather enjoy their company

clam · 30/11/2010 19:58

But we're meandering down all sorts of related avenues now.
And I've got a nice new nickname!

peeringintothevoid · 30/11/2010 20:01

Wow, HollyBollyBooBoo I think that's a fucking excellent summary! Grin I wish you the very best of luck with it, and hope you don't end up a cricket widow! Smile

thelibster · 30/11/2010 20:01

I love being on my own with my children. 'Course as a SAHM when I had 3 under 4 by the weekend I was ready for a bit of a break for a few hours if DH was amenable (he was always away Mon-Fri) but if I'd been out at work all week I'd be desperate for some time with my wee ones, alone or with DH 'twouldn't matter. But one baby? So easy, so transportable, don't know what all the hooha is about quite honestly.