to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

HerBe - you are definitely one of the scary women.

I nearly always find that when people describe women as scary that they are talking about my friends :o

Me too, HerBea!
You're (note spelling, pedants!) treated in life how you teach or allow people to treat you.

spid wrote "Wow Unlike is your adult self as viciously unfair to your put upon mother as your childhood self was?"

that's just nasty. You sound just like my beastly mother.

BOF "Why the assumption that she should take the baby with her, or just stay home? Why does the husband not have to assume equal responsibility for the care of his child on a Saturday?"

That's why I think these things would ideally be discussed when you're considering having a chid; who's going to take responsibility for what, and how the responsibities of childcare are going to be divided. I think these kind of misunderstandings are more likely to occur if you just coast along and then expect the other person to change without much warning.

Holly even though you didn't feel threatened by his comment (left girlfriends for less) I still think you should do what Spidooky said upthread:

^spidookly Tue 30-Nov-10 08:34:22
These are things you need to say to him:

1 are you really planning to dump me like all those previous girlfriends if I don't go along with what you want? Because if so, can you arrange to be out of the house by next weekend? Just like you I have no desire to be controlled. If your threat is genuine I want you to go. If it is just to scare me into submission I want you to apologise and never pull that kind of abusive, dismissive bullshit again.

After he has accepted that it is appalling (and deeply shameful) to threaten the mother of his child with being treated like previous girlfriends if she doesn't behave, then

2 sit down with paper and pen and work out how summer weekends will work: all the jobs that need doing (including childcare) evenly divided, then 10 hours child-free time out of the home for each of you. See if you can make the time stack up in a way that doesn't destroy family life

3 make sure he gets it through his thick skull that it is more controlling for him to leave you with no free time because of childcare than it is for you to ask him to pull his weight at home. You have joint responsibility for something that needs constant care, 24 hours. That means the days of just deciding to do as you please are over until those responsibilities diminish.^

C&P because she's said so much it would be hard for your to find the post I meant

He needs to know right now that it is never acceptable to 'threaten' to leave because something isn't going his way - to basically make you feel worried about upsetting him 'just in case' Not on. Not on at all.

UA - so your mother was supposed to sacrifice herself twice over? For her dh AND her kids?

I am not the one whith a deluded old fashioned take on family life here.

"Family time" makes my teeth itch.

Perhaps the OP should draw up a rota and point out the allocated slots for 'family time' to allow her DH to find a hobby that he can fit in around it.

WTF is family time anyway? Both parents sat tentatively awaiting a whimper from the baby and both promptly attending it's every need?

I'd also like to know how many men roll up to watch their wives play netball or hockey.

candle - I am so glad you have a lovely life and relationship. I wonder if you would mind explaining how this is achieved? How many dc, what are their ages? What ft jobs do you both do? Who does what at the w/es?

For me "family time" is time spent together doing stuff, walks, lunches with friends, trips out, having a laugh, generally enjoying each other's company and having a nice time.

Sorry to hear that spidookly.
No Passionate Sports for you at the moment, then!

"expect the other person to change without much warning."

She's given him plenty of warning - cricket season doesn't start until NEXT summer.

Presumably she also gave him the usual 7-8 months notice of her intention to have his child.

The idea that if you don't anticipate a problem years in advance of it occurring that you should expect no flexibility from your partner when it comes to solving it is most bizarre.

But he's expecting the other person to change without much warning...

'Both parents sat tentatively awaiting a whimper from the baby and both promptly attending it's every need?"

Is that what it's like when you and your DH spend time together with your child?

How awful. No wonder you think relationships are happier when couples never have to see each other.

I've read about 15 of the 20 pages, but there's about 5 rogue pages untouched out there so please be forgiving if I say something uttered previously.

The OP is right, the husband wrong, BUT OP may have expressed herself a bit ... briskly as reported in para 2 of her post.

It obviously a matter of utmost importance to her wanker of a husband so speaking "causally" about it never going to work. Saying every other week "would be more appropriate" also a bad choice of words and topping it all off with telling him to play golf instead!

Ouch.

No, but the way some of you are going on you give the impression thats how it is.

candle - I am so glad you have a lovely life and relationship. I wonder if you would mind explaining how this is achieved? How many dc, what are their ages? What ft jobs do you both do? Who does what at the w/es?

But from what the OP said, she didn't open a discussion along the lines of "what are your plans for next cricket season, considering we'll have a baby to look after?" The OP said that she told him that
"he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD."

Let's say the OP played on a rugby team every Saturday, was really passionate about it and had been committed to the team since her DH met her 8 years ago. Should they not, as a couple, given it some thought about how that was going to work after they had a DD, if it was such a big part of her life? And if he'd just announced to her one day that of course she was going to give up her precious rugby now, wouldn't she have been somewhat pissed off?

I don't think the OP's dh should automatically get what he wants.

On the other hand I don't think the OP should automatically get what she wants, either.

I think they should talk about it together. It sounds as though that's what they're going to do.

Separately from that, I don't think she should default to running the household and the major share of childcare and housework on top of work - it's not a great situation to get into, that one.

The OP acknowledged that her opening sally wasn't the best way to negotiate with her DH about this issue though.

I wonder if the OP's DH will acknowledge how appalling his control-freaky reaction was.

How many dc, what are their ages? DS1 is 4.8yo, DS2 is 21mo, third is due in May.

What ft jobs do you both do? DH is a builder and works 60 hours a week. I'm a SAHM, but do work a little office work at home. DH does bath and bed time every night if he is back in time.

Who does what at the w/es? DH is working most Saturday's at the moment, but when he wasn't he would play golf 3 out of 4 Saturdays of the month. I spend time with friends/family that I don't get to see during the week. Sunday's we usually have people over for dinner so we spend it at home. DH takes DS to football in the morning.

Tough shit.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Happens to us all.

Anything else?