to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

Well, I did, yes, find having small children tough. I would have found the prospect of sole childcare every sodding Saturday awful. (Actually I still would.) And the idea that I had to put up with it or worse, go and be a Supportive Cricket Lady would have made me scream with horror.

I dunno candlestickmaker - I had children because I wanted to spend time with them - not spend the nicest afternoons of the year pretending I'm good at something I'm not.

Yes, you are the odd one because you think she should organise her entire life (including friends) around her husband's hobby.

You make being a women sound horrendous.

But guess what? It's great. We're full people now with votes and jobs and everything. Even our OWN interests and friends!!

The op has done that because of his gross rudeness in response to her "casual" mention of how life would change post baby.

If she leaves it be, he will assume she accepts his outburst as reasonable and justified, particulalry as he then stormed off.

It might also leave just a teensy little sourness about the relationship, non?

"I had children because I wanted to spend time with them - not spend the nicest afternoons of the year pretending I'm good at something I'm not."

:o

But it's not every Saturday. It's a season.

One child most Saturdays during the summer.

Really that difficult?

You'll both be working full time, yes? Have you no family/friends that you'd like to spend time with?

candle - I don't know, that's why I wonder. Do you think men are to be manipulated? Worshipped? Accommodated?

Genuinely interested.

I think that if you married a man who's passionate about cricket, then you would have been aware that it's something that's very important to him and that he'd be very resistant to giving up. I also think you should have discussed this issue before having a child, and I can understand why he's upset and you deciding for him how often he can play. I didn't interpret the remark about dumping girlfriends for less as a threat - more an expression of just how unreasonable he feels you're being.

OTOH I can understand why you don't want him gone every Saturday throughout the summer. I wouldn't either, but then I wouldn't marry a man who was very committed to playing sport every weekend. Sounds like you need to have a proper discussion about how your expectations of him have changed, and what to do about it.

It's the summer season - the very best one.

"should organise her entire life (including friends) around her husband's hobby."

Entire life?! Still being hysterical then...

"nicest afternoons of the year" Isn't the OP in Britain though?

"I also think you should have discussed this issue before having a child"

How on earth could they possibly have know when young and unencumbered with children that this would even be an issue?

Before DC I thought life would just carry on blithely as before with children in tow.

I had NO IDEA of the bomb that was about to go off in the middle of our lives.

What kind of partner thinks all discussions should happen BEFORE a situation arises?

It's getting back to this weird "adult conversation" think motherinferior was talking about earlier.

OP has only realised now that Saturdays with a baby are entirely different from Saturdays without one. So now is the time to talk about it.

There's no schedule of conversations - you don't have to make an appointment to figure out with your husband how things will be arranged now you have children. It's not like the OP has missed her chance to have that conversation and now must be a cricket martyr forever.

I think if either partner has had a hobby that they are passionate about, and have been for 8 years, then the other should respect that it should be up to them whether or not they continue to persue it after children. Unless of course it had been discussed before TTC. (However I would find it a bit odd to have a conversation along the lines of: "right so if we do have a baby, you will have to cut down/ replace your part time hobby because I can't cope on my own with a baby"). Regardless of sex, not sure why your putting a sexist spin on it?

just to go back a bit, yes i know the op's other half isnt a professional, like flintoff. but all fanatical cricketers think they are profs. sick i know

i am speaking from my younger self's POV when I ask why cant mums of cricketing dads just join the fuck in for a few weekends? my mother made all our lives a bloody misery by hating dad's crciket so much and so relentlessly. there was no need. it became a power game. I wish my mother had gritted her teeth, grided her loins, taken a good bottle of wine and joined in for our sakes

we might have got to know other kids of cricketing families. instead we knew none of the other kids.

Oh come off it, CM. You're saying that the OP should Bravely Find Other Activities every summer sodding Saturday? While remaining, again, in sole charge of their child? Babies are hard work. It's nice to be in a position to, you know, share that hard work. To be able to enjoy your small child a bit more.

And the idea that it's all the OP's fault because she and her boyfriend should have Talked This Through Before Marriage is testing my pelvic floor to the limit.

I think in fact that you are the person who suggested that the OP should contrive to arrange her friendships around her husband's cricketing.

Still, nice to see you using 18th Century misogyny to put other women down. It makes your submissive sexism so quaint.

Oh right, now she's Doing Her Children A Disservice by not becoming a cricket wifey.

scaryteacher Have you considered that perhaps she wants time with her husband on a Saturday and that that is not unreasonable? Wanting time with her husband is not unreasonable, wanting to play cricket is also not unreasonable, loads of things are "not unreasonable" in themselves only in context. Insisting on time with her husband on a Saturday when it's the only time he can play cricket might actually be seen as being a bit unreasonable though. Actually, now she's been back and given us more info I'm pretty certain that they'll sort it all out without resorting to bags packed and crushed nuts! Some women on here are really scary! If I were a man I'd be giving one or two a very wide berth indeed!

"nicest afternoons of the year" is a relative term. As spidookly said earlier, he's "bagsied" pretty much the whole lot for his hooby, leaving her with no choice, or any Saturdays for doing other things.

The fact that it's cricket just adds insult to injury for me, but that's a personal thing. My dad is a cricket statistician - involved endless hours of watching the blasted game. DH is a fan too, but at least he rations his TV viewing to Sky+ ing it and watching it on fast forward when I'm not around. Which can only be an improvement for the game as a whole, actually. Shame holly's DH can't do the same on Saturdays.

Wow Unlike is your adult self as viciously unfair to your put upon mother as your childhood self was?

Oh, and just so you know Hully, I have a lovely life and a lovely relationship. Mainly due to the fact that we don't begrudge each other our own time, I think.

We've recently moved to a town with a cricket team and DH loves cricket, although hasn't played for years.

Maybe I should rethink encouraging him to go and play.

Although at least I know in advance that he's not a selfish twat and that he likes spending time with me and his girls.

"Still, nice to see you using 18th Century misogyny to put other women down. It makes your submissive sexism so quaint"

Your just being ridiculous now.

I do hope I am one of those scary women?

FWIW: my partner and I both work. We have two children. We do quite a bit of Separate Stuff: I sing, he does t'ai chi, I do pilates. We sort this, mostly quite amicably, and with the help of teenagers who are happy to trouser a fiver or two to babysit. It has only really been possible to add in the singing since the children reached the ages of seven and nine. Neither of us do as much singing or t'ai chi as we would ideally like, but it's not really feasible. Oh, and one or other of us goes out for work or friends from time to time.

I think we're quite functional, really. But what we do not do is have a set up where one person adoringly accommodates the other; and we both know that children take up time and space and attention.

Interesting.

Apparently, having a very important hobby which must be pursued deprives you of your sense of humour.

Who knew?

It's not a case of either you enjoy time with your family or you enjoy cricket, you can enjoy both.