Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

663 replies

HollyBollyBooBoo · 30/11/2010 03:32

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

OP posts:
BeenBeta · 30/11/2010 13:32

linden - so very true what you said.

"...he would admit part of it was about a sense of denial that life had indeed changed as well as being confronted with his own mortality - getting older, moving up a generation etc."

".... they wish they had spent more time with their children."

I really feel both of those things very keenly now my DSs are on the cusp of teenage years. They both want me to go and do judo and fitness training with them as a few of the other Dads do. I just take them along at the moment and usually just sit and watch but I started doing the club website because no one else could. Now I made friends with the other parents and coaches and am thinking of being involved a bit more. My friend who coaches football also got into it by accident just taking his son along to sessions to begin with then he got a coaching certificate and now he is a big part of the club.

Sport is great for children and adults alike and there are ways (lots of ways) of enjoying sport with DCSs once they come along and your own playing days are over. It just involves a willingness to change.

motherinferior · 30/11/2010 13:35

Actually you don't have to sit down and Talk Like Adults, not if you are both adults. My partner thought oooh yes I won't be able to bog off and do masses of t'ai chi now I have a daughter. So he bogged off much less to do less t'ai chi. Sometimes I objected to what bogging off he was still doing, and bellowed made my point. Mainly, though, the fact of having one and then two small children kind of impinged on him as necessary Stuff To Be Done Before Other Stuff.

LadyBiscuit · 30/11/2010 13:35

FunkySnowSkeleton - I had plenty of hobbies. Unfortunately as a single parent, I don't have much time to indulge in them. I accept that my hours when I am not working are about looking after my child and did not assume that life would continue as before. Because that would be stupid.

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/11/2010 13:37

I also agree with linden - I think my own DH had a hard time adjusting to the restrictions that parenthood would bring to his life (as did I). That said, I think he would never have assumed that every-weekend cricket was on the cards.

His sporting interests have changed over time - now cycling instead of team sports, and coaching mini-rugby instead of playing

JamieLeeCurtis · 30/11/2010 13:40

I agree motherinferior. Actually, I think the fact that life has become "all hands on deck" only really hits home in lots of cases when there is more than one child, if it hits home at all.

FunkySnowSkeleton · 30/11/2010 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidookly · 30/11/2010 13:45

"Actually you don't have to sit down and Talk Like Adults, not if you are both adults"

Amen.

thelibster · 30/11/2010 13:45

Well said FunkySnowSkeleton why is everyone so insular these days?

Tortington · 30/11/2010 13:46

he sounds like a twat

DIVORCE HIM

FunkySnowSkeleton · 30/11/2010 13:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/11/2010 13:56

Grin I love it when Custys Roman Catholic ethos speaks up.

PrematureEjoculation · 30/11/2010 14:01

you se it is this reaction that makes him a twat -

'He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less'

which is totally disproportionate, unfair and just plain wrong!

motherinferior · 30/11/2010 14:01

Er...actually my partner's t'ai chi is something he teaches. He has had to pull out of a lot of teaching, and other people have had to take it on. And fwiw, I sing too.

I see no indication, on this thread, that men with children should restrict themselves only to the children and home. I do see a lot of suggestions that the OP resign herself to a life of cricket wifery.

motherinferior · 30/11/2010 14:02

And no, they do not have to Decide Between Them how he sorts his time out. He has to come up with a workable - a genuinely workable - option himself.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/11/2010 14:06

glad you picked up on that MI.
Why should the WOMAN resign herself to wifery while her husband pursues hobbies. Why should the man not resign himself to husbandry?

Wottknottandmincepies · 30/11/2010 14:09

TBH In a few years time you'll be glad he knobs off all day. So will the kids.

Secretwishescometrue · 30/11/2010 14:10

I think you were not being unreasonable at all. I think his "iv dumped girlfriends for less" was very unreasonable!

clam · 30/11/2010 14:17

funky "he has a commitment to the team"
He also has a commitment to his wife and child. A bigger one, frankly.

Mind you, if he's as crap at cricket as she seems to think, they'd probably be glad to see the back of him.

Animation · 30/11/2010 14:20

"I've dumped girls for less"

Were you scared when he said that - did you FEEL the threat, that you better do it his way or the high way?

HerBeatitude · 30/11/2010 14:20

Christ, he sounds even worse than he did before, now the OP has come back.

He does very little houseworK? I thought maybe he had such a massive sense of entitlement, because he does most of it. But no, he has such a massive sense of entitlement... just because...

I am so glad that I'm a lone parent sometimes. I feel so sorry for women who ahve to put up with nobs like this. It must be so corrosive for your self-esteem, to live with someone who think's you're his skivvy. He obviously has no respect at all for you at all and being treated like that will have an impact on other areas of your self-confidence.

Ask him if he dumps you and you get a divorce (which is sounding a more and more attractive option atm) how will he manage to look after his DC's in his contact weekends? Will he dump them on a new girlfriend?

darleneconnor · 30/11/2010 14:31

Oh great another relationship thread which starts with a story of a selfish/chauvinistic DP. Gradually we get a drip, drip of more relationship details (eg in this case he does no houswork).

How long is it going to take for the OP to return with the "and when I tried to talk to him he pushed me around a bit, but it's not abuse, he's lovely really"? Hmm

notmyproblem · 30/11/2010 14:31

Yet another thread containing:
-- woman with inferiority complex
-- man with self-entitlement

Those types do seem to find and marry each other, don't they?

Can there be a MN FAQ saying "if you're a doormat, expect to be walked on" and "if you make a rod for your back, expect to be beaten with it" so countless 400-odd message threads all saying the same thing over and over can be made redundant?

Maybe in that FAQ, we can also have "how to gain some self-esteem", "if you're not happy alone, nobody else will make you happy either" and "how to hold a conversation as an adult instead of running to MN to discuss every little disagreement with your DP"?

Hmm
dinkystinky · 30/11/2010 14:33

Lol at Custardo. OP - you need to write down all that needs doing around the house, free time for each's pursuits, the need for family time and sit down and divide everything up between you and your DH (with his input). Hopefully he'll realise he's being more than a little unreasonable in expecting you to work FT, look after DD and the house 24/7 AND let him bugger off to have his own me-time every weekend in the summer too!

BeenBeta · 30/11/2010 14:39

By the way, pensioners have huge political clout. They turn out to vote and they outnumber the young and middle aged.

Politicians are frightened of upsetting them. Does anyone remember how Cameron was asked about free bus passes in the PM debates? Just about the only firm commitment he made in the election I can remember is not cutting free bus passes.

Anyone notice where the benefits cuts landed? Not on the old at all and that is baked in the cake for next Parliament.

BeenBeta · 30/11/2010 14:40

Gargh - wrong thread!