to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

How long is cricket season, similar to rugby, football, GP, hockey, it's not all year is it?

If my DH said to me "you can't do your hobby any more, I just can't cope with the amount of childcare I'm having to take on alone so you can do it"

I would not scream at him to FUCK OFF

Nor would I (as vitriolic as I am) tell him I'd dump him if he ever dared to suggest that he had better things to do than be my unpaid nanny.

If fact I would think "goodness, can I really have been so selfish about this that he is reduced to making these kinds of demands on me? He should never have had to, I shouldn't have taken him for granted."

You know, because I LOVE my husband. I would HATE to be the kind of person who treated him as a skivvy and made him take more than his share of responsibility for our household and family because of my selfishness.

But it's normal not to treat your husband that way. And apparently so normal to treat your wife that way that for her to object is considered controlling.

Am a bit confused. What do you object to about him playing cricket? The time he is away? The lack of support as far as helping with the housework? You want to see more of him? That you want to be doing other things yourself?

Think you need to define what you want, and then try and work out a solution.

It's always difficult when both parents are working ft. Everyone needs some time to do their own thing and everyone needs some time with their children, for the children's sakes as much as theirs. It is unfortunate that his hobby takes up so much time at the time as it were, but if he doesn't do anything particularly regularly for the other months of the year it's not actually so many Saturdays is it? It's just that they're all consecutive during the summer months which is a bind for you I can see. It is also unfortunate that it is a team sport so that, by making himself only available for every other match of the season he is basically messing them about. They may not be able to find someone willing to only do the away matches and if they find someone willing and able to play every Saturday your DH may lose his place in the team altogether, have you even considered that possibility and would you want that. Sorry to jump to the conclusion that your DH was a SAHD or WAHD but "I'll help the housework" made it look that way. What a difference a word makes!

If you are both working ft, could you afford a cleaner? That way you would be able to spend Saturday afternoons just enjoying being with your DD and not feel too stressed.

I still think you were a BU a bit to present him with a "solution" ready made and not give him any part to play in the journey to that conclusion. AND I think he was BVVVVU to threaten you with leaving.

You do say that you normally work things out pretty well between you so I take it that this resorting to abusive emotional pressure was a "one off". He certainly needs to grovel big time to make it up to you but, just perhaps, you need to re-evaluate just how much his cricket seems to mean to him?

"if your partner has a hobby that they love and are dedicated too them i'm sorry, doing the childcare is part and parcel of what comes with it."

Err... is it? When did we sign up to that? If they have a hobby that is time-consuming and there are kids on the scene, then THEY have to help find a way of sorting childcare in a way that shows their partner respect. Male or female.

no. my DH is the exact opposite - rather clingy.

speculation is more amusing than debate at times.

Good lord, do all of you really Sit Down And Discuss Things As A Couple? I'm always seeing it being recommended.

I find saying 'look, I cannot face doing yet another afternoon of sole childcare, matey', works just as well.

Ah but that actually IS a discussion, it at least keeps possibilities open.

"(I've decided) you'll need to miss your every other week because I'm knackered, matey" isn't, though, and that's the kind of thing that gets people irritated with each other.

At around the time I became pregnant with DC1 (mutual decision by DH and me, as we BOTH wanted children) MIL offered DH membership at a nice golfclub as a Christmas present. DH said "thanks, but no thanks" as he would not be able to commit to the amounts of time needed to make full use of it once the baby arrived as we would have other demands on our time.
DH is a "passionate" sportsman, and was keen to keep up squash, tennis, tabletennis, occasional 5-a-side football, plus weekly bridge and other bits and pieces. What he did, therefore, was compromise, and always arrange squash games, for example for after the kids were in bed, having bathed them and done the story routine first. He'd arrange for a babysitter each week (MIL - who also did ironing! ) so we could both go and play bridge. He'd usually do the supermarket run early in the morning, often with babies in tow, so I could get a lie in.

He can also be a grumpy old sod, before you think he's Mr Perfect, but my point is that it is possible to maintain hobbies and be a hands-on husband and father. I didn't force him to do any of those things, we discussed them, and because he's basically a decent old git, we were all satisfied.

OP, YANBU

My DH seemed to think that after having the children he could just carry on with cricket like he did before. It's not the cricket match itself that's the problem, but the fact that every Saturday morning would be spent with him chasing around looking for cricket kit that he'd left here there and everywhere, unwashed, the previous week, then out to play the match until late in the evening, and then on to the pub.

I started to get a bit resentful at just being left to look after the children for hours and hours on a Saturday when friends would be having family time. I told him that if he continued doing it every Saturday I would go out for the same amount of time every Sunday to see how he liked it.

So now he plays the occasional game, which is fine. Like I said, I wouldn't mind if it was just a 2 or 3 hour thing, but I think all day, every Saturday is excessive if you have a family.

But that is not what the OP says. Yes, she said 'you won't be able to do weekly cricket' - IMO a perfectly realistic take on the demands of parenting a small childn - and suggested some options. She did not say YOU CANNOT DO THIS. She said she couldn't keep going if he did this.

As a slattern I don't really get all this chores bit I agree with Germaine Greer in 'The tyranny of housework' and I've opted out. I can go for days without doing any...gives me more time for cricket.one child plays in the same team as me and the other one comes with us.

FWIW I highly recommend doing the assumption method! New parents do need to negotiate about priorities and what their expectations are likely to be when a baby comes along.

My DH liked playing football - not just the match on a Saturday but weekly training, meetings and the socialising side.

It did cause a few arguments - particularly the assumption that I was always there to take care of DS which used to really piss me off. DH did see it as me trying to control him - although when asked about it now he would admit part of it was about a sense of denial that life had indeed changed as well as being confronted with his own mortality - getting older, moving up a generation etc.

We did argue about it but nothing seemed to get resolved so I started 'assuming' that I could just go out on a Sunday for a couple of hours, to meet friends and go to the gym, for a walk or to the cinema. I also used to go out in the week ad hoc too. Needless to say it did not take that long for the penny to drop - he understood that I was not trying to stop him from doing what he wanted to do as such - just that looking after a baby/ toddler / child has an impact on what you are able to accomplish and how frustrating it could be at times.

We started to really talk about new parenthood and what our expectations were of each other and how vastly different they were! Something that expectant parents should probably take more time discussing.

So now no assumptions - just negotiation. We are both fortunate that we also have accomodating family members in case of clashes. DH no longer plays football but coaches DS - he is still a fitness freak - just like me - we both enjoy cycling and make sure each has time to do this.

Now this was what worked for us - as long as the family and EACH family member is ok with their set up - fine. However for either parent to assume that the other is the prime carer and just carry on regardless with their own hobbies and not consider the overall impact on their relationship is a recipe for disaster.

One final thing - the biggest gift anyone can give to another human is their time. Too many Dads of my own Dads generation don't wish they had spent more time playing football, cricket or rugby oh no.......they wish they had spent more time with their children.

Telling your partner what they can or cannot do is never going to go down well.

As it seems to be coming down to the phraseology, how about if she sais:

"Right you fucking selfish childish arse, pitch in and do your bit or you can stuff this baby up your jacksie?"

Can't believe fucking female apologists saying pore ol hubby, she shouldn't tell ickle big man what to do.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Lindenavery I totally agree

OP didn't get the chance to discuss it, Funky, because when she said 'Maybe every other [weekend]would be more appropriate', and 'couldn't you play more golf instead' - her OH threatened to leave her. It is he who refused the dialogue.

So she can't "tell" him what to do, or not to do, but he can, effectively, "tell" her that she is doing the childcare that facilitates his hobby? And that if she objects, she's being controlling and may well end up the same place as his exes. Dumped.

Good Call Hullygully !!

Hang on theevildead2, so when a dh looks after his child for a while alone he's just doing what he should and when a DW looks after her child alone she is "babysitting" and "doing him a favour"? If I've got this wrong then I'm afraid I don't see what you mean!

No, as I said earlier, they are both telling each other how its going to be and are both unhappy about it. So a compromise must be reached.

good point Mumsnut