to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

[HollyBollyBooBoo]

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

Holly - I think what you've suggested is a good compromise indeed. However I know that when I'm told what to do I immediately revert to being a stroppy teenager.

Once he's had time to think about it he'll probably realise you are right.

Oh and get a cleaner if possible to do all the domestic stuff or at least a large part of it in the week.

DO NOT RUN THE HOUSE. It's his house too. He lives in it.

Very, very very definitely do not run the house so that he can go off and play cricket!

but what would you advise, say, Fintoff's wife to have done if, say, once she had dcs she realised she cldn't put up with his crcket commitments anymore? she might have married him 'knowing what she was taking on' but not really having a clue what it would like iyswim, after dc arrive.

UA I think it is different if you are playing cricket as your career. The OP is talking about her dh playing every Saturday as a hobby.

"Whilst I've been on mat leave his contribution to the household has reduce from v. little to nothing - which I'm kinda fine with as I am at home all day."

Well you shouldn't be "kinda fine" with him treating you as his skivvy.

You are at home all day to look after your child, not to do his housework.

You both have equally important things on during the day, the housework still needs to be split 50/50.

It really sounds like you are married to a chauvinist.

He expects you to run the household and do all the childcare.

And apparently you're just as dispensable as his "other girlfriends" if you don't do what he demands.

Forgive me if I'm way off base, we don't do cricket in my country unlikelyamazon but it Flintoff a professional? in which case that would be his job, and fair enough, but this is a hobby where the OP will be told that she has to babysit on her saturday off

Premature how on earth can you make that speculation about the OPs family? You can't.

Are you describing your own situation?

Agree with JamieLeeCurtis re sharing the responsibilities.

Yes, how very DARE you make a perfectly normal suggestion to your husband?!

He is MAN!

He must NEVER think he is being TOLD what to do.

[disclaimer: it's OK for him to tell you what to do my refusing to do any housework and leaving you with all the childcare. That is different. You are not worth anything. Get used to it.]

theevildead2 the OP wouldn't be "babysitting" any more than her DH would be if he were looking after his child while his DW had some time to herself. Grrrrrr

Never ceases to amaze me how many women seem to think themselves lucky that their DPs "help out" around the house. Don't doubt that the H in premature's example would probably receive some sort of "good dad" badge for knowing which channel cbeebies was on, before he headed off out the door to golf.

Why don't some of you just lie down on the floor by the frontdoor, so you can do an even better job of being a doormat?

OP: He may well come to the sensible way forward as reality dawns. I had a colleague who was an obsessive 'Sunday league' cricketer, and played every single sunday and soe saturdays, starting training in the v early spring. (it isn't just a 'during the season' thing of a few weeks). Once his dp was pg I mentioned that his cricketing might be scaled down, and he was vehement that it would NOT...need to keep our own interests / not beocme baby bores etc etc.

Fast Forward - first sumer he had a baby (and his DP had a significant job which reuired her to work shifts sometimes) he could see that it wasn't really feasible, he didn't have the same energy, and he had come to relaise that he WANTED to spend tie with his child at the w/e.

Your DH hasn't had any experience of parenting except while you are on Maternity leave. His reaction was terrible - and threatening to leave you / calling you controlling was pretty bad, but either he will come to his senses, or else sadly, this kind of reaction may well become a pattern. Watch out for it.

FunkySnowSkeleton the op's husband didn't even have the courtesty to TELL her she would be looking after the baby. He just assumed. People keep forgetting that she isn't being controlling- he is.

It does sound like a good compromise, although how does it work with being in a team? Is it possible to be in a team, however bad, and only turn up to half the matches? In pure time terms it sounds good, though.

I agree with not running the house and I'd extend that to not providing solutions to family problems like being short of time! Don't provide a solution and do his thinking for him. At the moment he's comparing 'giving up half the cricket' to 'NOT giving up half the cricket' and naturally 'NOT giving up...' is winning in his mind. If you make it a joint discussion then what he'll end up doing is comparing 'giving up half the cricket' to 'keeping the cricket but giving up all my Sundays while OP goes off and does things' or 'keeping the cricket but giving up all my Saturdays out of the cricket season', or whatever. Then he may come to a different conclusion about which is the best option!

I don't think wanting less cricket is controlling in itself, but not making it an open and joint discussion and jumping straight to your preferred compromise possibly is (even if it's a good compromise). It infantilises someone to do all the thinking for them and then say: I've found our best answer, it's this, accept it or you're just being selfish and inconsiderate.

Spidookly - I do get where you're coming from but I honestly couldn't ask DH to go to work for 10 hours then come home and start cleaning or cook the dinner etc when I've been home all day. Isn't it my 'job' at the moment to run the house aswell and look after DD?

I've clearly made a rod for my own back in the last 8 years by doing mostly everything around the house and I know this is going to take time to change.

I definitely take onboard people's comments about the way I approached the subject as I too react negatively when people tell me what to do - I want to do the complete opposite!

I'll maybe need to broach the subject with him again in a more 'discussion' based way. Ironically we're both trained negotiators so I'd like to think we can reach a compromise without the ridiculous, patronising outbursts!

Actually looking after the children alone so the other partner can have some free time is perfectly accurately described as "babysitting".

It's certainly not nothing, which is how these entitled chauvinists like to present it when they strop about not being able to spend all their time playing games with their friends while leaving all the work to their wife.

She's doing him the favour though surely?

I don't like it when people say dh is babysitting because he is doing an hour's worth of childcare, but if she looking after the baby alone- for him, I think yo ucan see my point?

"Isn't it my 'job' at the moment to run the house aswell and look after DD?"

No.

Has he apologised for his abusive threat to leave you?

And if he told you that you would be doing the childcare for 10 hours on your day off funky?

That'd be cool though?

Funky just because your husband has to put up with a partner who is a petulant child doesn't mean the OP has to.

YANBU. Cricket takes out all the summer Saturdays, and then eats into Sunday too, as all the weekend jobs have to be pushed back to then. Unless you have two cars it's impractical to go and watch away games, you can be stuck there all day otherwise.

Weekends away, evenings out etc are all difficult. I've lost count of the number of times I've sat in restaurants with friends on Saturday evenings, waiting for XH to run in after cricket.

My ex was unreasonable and even he agreed to alternate Saturdays while the dc's were small. I hope you can get this sorted.