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AIBU?

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Original poster

to say to DH that a cricket match every Saturday isn't acceptable now we have a baby?

663 replies

HollyBollyBooBoo · 30/11/2010 03:32

DH and I have been together 8 years, he's passionate about cricket and plays it (not very well, got the duck cup last season) most Saturday's during the season, meaning he's out the house from about midday until 10pm (pitch set up, match, post match drinking) plus goes on 'tour' (a p!ss up in Devon for a few days).

I said to him casually the other day that he won't really be able to do that every Saturday next season, maybe every other would be more appropriate now that we have a DD. I went on to say that I'll be back at work FT, so we need family time together, I'll help round the house and couldn't he play more golf instead which means he's only out of the house for a few hours but is still getting some exercise.

He went mad, literally couldn't believe what I was suggesting and couldn't see the problem with him being out pretty much all day Saturday! Even went onto to say 'don't try and control me, I've dumped girlfriends for less!' I was soooo shocked, we are thick as thieves normally and literally never argue, just work things through if there is a mild difference of opinion, so this really shook me, he was so vehement in his response!

When do we get family time?

When do I get c.10 hours off to do as I please?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 30/11/2010 11:48

No- he's imposing his wishes on HER.

TheCrackFox · 30/11/2010 11:49

She should get a job that involves working Saturdays.

Hullygully · 30/11/2010 11:49

And just wait till the children are older and have activities. What about when they have to be in separate places at the same time? We plan our weekends like military missions to fit in dc activities, ours, friends, families, chores etc. No way could one of us go off for all day one day a weekend. It would all fall apart.

BaggedandTagged · 30/11/2010 11:49

"Seriously, fuck that. I'm still a full person now that I'm a mother. I don't only want to do shit things that work for babies so my DH can act as though he doesn't have any."

Yup- that pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter.

Look- I am all for hobbies. Before I had DS i used to be into endurance races- like 7 day stage running races. Working full time, I would have to do a few months of all day Sat/ all day Sun training to prepare. Dh was cool with that- he'd go off and do his own thing/ go away with friends/ go to football etc. Now we have DS I've put that on hold for a couple of years and taken it down to shorter races. Yes, I will do longer races again, but my priorities have changed short term, and I dont think it's fair to tell DH he has to look after DS all day so I can pursue a hobby. Looking after a small baby by yourself is just not fun.

MollieO · 30/11/2010 11:49

I don't have this problem as I'm a single parent. However if I did have a dh who wanted to play cricket every weekend (and spend about 4 hours in the bar afterwards drinking, looking at OP's timings) I would expect a reciprocal arrangement.

Surely a relationship is a partnership? You do things together and apart. If the fact that dh is spending 10 hours every Saturday at cricket means the OP has no childfree time then that is blatantly unfair. A fair compromise is every other weekend maximum and ideally not staying drinking to 10pm every time he plays. I don't understand why a woman has to stay at home and look after the children whilst the man goes out and enjoys his hobbies.

Litchick · 30/11/2010 11:51

Well Candle when we have babies, they are awfully inconvenient and need to be looked after.

I know, I know, you'd think they'd invent something...but ho hum... so as a parent we have to consider every second of their day and ensure someone will be around to look after them.

So everything we've done prior to children be it work, sleep, have sex, play cricket has to be reassessed. Cos while we're doing it, someone has to look after the child.

So you don't get a free pass just cos you've always done it.

HerBeatitude · 30/11/2010 11:51

Are these mother and baby screenings 18 certificates?

BitOfFun · 30/11/2010 11:51

If they want to spend ten hours when their baby is asleep or looked after elsewhere, then yeah, they can knock themselves out. But ten hours that you've decided The Little Woman can spend doing childcare and housework all by herself FOREVER because you want to play out is selfish and twatty.

Truckulent · 30/11/2010 11:51

I must admit one of them could have said:

' now we are having a child can you cut down on the cricket' or 'now we are having a child I'll cut down on the cricket' But they didn't.

But you don't always think of that before DC come along, I think they've both assumed which is dodgy.

motherinferior · 30/11/2010 11:52

I put quite a lot of my life on hold when I had babies. Stuff that I've picked up again now. And yes, I did keep going with the things like earning a living and seeing my friends and doing pilates - but other things, like singing, had to take a back seat. Not least because of logisitics: the logistics of sorting babysitters and so on. And during that small-child period yes, I found it extremely tough if my partner was (as I felt) not doing as much childcare as I was. It's a tough period. One wrangles a free afternoon here and there.

And now my children are bigger, and it is much more fun being with them on my own than it used to be and much less work, and I mind far, far less if DP goes out for a weekend afternoon and, I suspect, he feels the same way. But that's different.

Onetoomanycornettos · 30/11/2010 11:53

I am pretty tolerant of my husband's hobbies which take up Friday nights (til 2-3am) and the odd weekend away. That's because he is happy to take the children out on Sun mornings/lunch-time whilst I have some child-free time (to have a nap, read paper, whatever). It's reciprocal, and that's the issue here.

BaggedandTagged · 30/11/2010 11:53

"Are these mother and baby screenings 18 certificates?"

No her beautitude, and you shouldnt be watching such filth now you're a mother. Stay at home and watch the Lion King you reprobate, or better still phone another cricket widow and make some sandwiches for the match tea.

clam · 30/11/2010 11:53

Or, Candlestick, you could turn that around... he's done it for 8 years how about her turn?

Seriously though, we do really need the OP to come back and fill in some of the questions here. I wonder if she's any idea how much this has all kicked off. We need to know if the DH is a SAHD, primarily because that might alter things a bit although not the vile way he threatened he'd dump her like the others.

BaggedandTagged · 30/11/2010 11:54

btw- this is definitely the best fight thread on MN at the moment. We have totally trumped the SAHM vs WOHM one.

Emo76 · 30/11/2010 11:55

YANBU and to threaten to dump you is absolutely out of order. He clearly didn't think before having children.

Blu · 30/11/2010 11:55

Bonsioor - and some others - unlike you, I believe, the OP will be AT WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME FULL TIME. This makes a huge difference to what family time is available, to the amount of free time a mother needs at the w/e to do things that cannot be done during the week WHILE SHE IS AT WORK, etc.

I cannot believe the repsonses about how hard DH works during the week, needs / deserves his time off awwwww, poor thing - being a parent really doesn't seem to demand that a man ever grows up, while he has a wife / stand in Mummy waiting at home for him!

Really, this site needs a section called StepfordWivesNet.

CoronaAndLime · 30/11/2010 11:57

I am a SAHM and Dh works FT.
Evenings and weekends our Dc are OUR resopnsability. Not just mine.

If I want to do somthing that involves Dh taking over total child care I ask and he does likewise.

Dh goes surfing, (went yesterday the bloody nutter!)fishing and loads of other stuff that he cant include the younger Dc in.

I dont mind because I am not expected to do this - he asks and somtimes (not offten) I tell him no.

Why the hell should the op have to find things to do that include the baby when her H can just do as he pleases and it is assumed that she will look after the baby?!

spidookly · 30/11/2010 11:59

"So really then all parents who have hobbies that take up 10 hours of their time a week, that doesn't involve the family should stop doing their hobby?"

What BeenBeta said.

And also - it depends on the hours, doesn't it?

10 hours could be 2 evenings a week plus Saturday morning.

The problem here is that 10 daytime hours of the best day of the weekend are being bagsed EVERY week for the best third of the year.

Now, it is just a fact that cricket takes a long time to play, so the being gone for a the full day thing I would be OK with. But NOT every single weekend for the entire weekend.

And no, waiting around hoping for crumbs from the "rained off" table wouldn't be good enough for me.

spidookly · 30/11/2010 11:59

Sorry should read "every weekend for the entire season"

clam · 30/11/2010 12:00

Nor me, spidookly.

BeenBeta · 30/11/2010 12:01

Stepford wife? Do they really exist then?

My wife just walked out of the door and announced she would be back at 3.00pm. When I (foolishly) inquired why a haircut took 4 hours she replied; "Well I am going to buy lipstick as well, oh and could you ring the chimney sweep, finish buyng the xmas presents online and have my lunch ready for when I get back as we have to pick up the kids at 3.30.

She will look lovely when she gets back though. Smile.

spidookly · 30/11/2010 12:01

Litchick

"So everything we've done prior to children be it work, sleep, have sex, play cricket has to be reassessed. Cos while we're doing it, someone has to look after the child."

Clap, clap, clap.

Well put.

Blu · 30/11/2010 12:02

Can someone just clarify something for me: The Stepford Wives was fiction, wasn't it? It wasn't a Dispatched Documentary set in Surrey or Berkshire, or Paris, was it?
I'm nervous.

clam · 30/11/2010 12:02

Grin beenbeta!

Tell her you've dumped previous girlfriends for less.

venusandmars · 30/11/2010 12:02

But it's not all about HER being less important or HIM being more important, it's that now they have a child, things will have to change for ALL of them. And that takes some adjustment on everybody's part - adjustment to the actual reality of what is happening and how it is affecting each person individually, and them as a couple, and them all as a family. And over a period of time (if they keep talking about that and exploring it and trying to find solutions and compromises together) priorities will change and compromises will be made.

But then I don't really get the whole 'family time' thing. We are a family, some of my time I'm at work, some of my time I'm at home, some times we are all together, sometimes we are all doing our own things. I don't stop being part of a family just because we are not all in the same space at the same time, and part of family time is being able to talk about the things I did while I was apart from the family.

My dcs are older now, but my recollection of 'family time' when they were tiny is not of some golden-hued fantasy world. Yes there were ocassions when we'd all be kicking through autumn leaves and laughing, but there were plenty of times when a child would be left in front of the TV while one of us cooked dinner and the other tiled the bathroom, or when a golden-time afternoon was infact both of us struggling to placate a whingey child who was teething and had a cold.