Seeing both sides

[newwave]

I am a regular exerciser and tend to watch my diet so when a friend of mine who had not been to the gym for a very long time called me and asked me if I was going on Saturday I said yes and she said she would see me there. This surprised me as at one time she had been a regular but had stopped about three years ago saying that at 47 she had grown fed up with the gym and dieting.

Later I asked her why she was back and she said her DH of over 25 years had said: "I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out" bit harsh I suppose but she had ballooned from a trim 10 to a wobbly 16.

She told me he had been getting upset about her size for a while and admitted it was due to getting a bit lazy.

I consoled her said the right things but AIBU in thinking her DH had a point.

BTW her DH is very fit for a man in his fifties, running, and golf. Still plays football.

iwould - I understand that.
But again, who gets to decide what it healthy?

I would say that you should get to decide that. You get to decide how you feel best.

Impose that view on others and you are inviting them to do the same to you and your DDs, and sisters, and every woman you've ever cared about.

Don't be shocked when someone tells your DD she's not pretty enough. Or your sister is told she's looking too old for her age.

Pretty, age etc is in the eye of the beholder. A healthy weight is a scientific fact. You marry someone knowing what they look like-you know they will age. You don't expect a slim person who can walk 20 miles to become an overweight couch potato.

But Litchick, weight and fitness are quantifiable in a way attractiveness is not.

It puts me off having a relationship with anyone if you are supposed to 'love them as they are' when they won't accept they are overweight and unfit and then tell you it is your fault for being superficial!

A healthy weight is not a scientific fact, it is a statistical hypothesis.

I was a size 16 for much of this year (having just had ds). My bp is fantastic and my resting pulse rate is 62. I do aerobics 2-3 times a week and can walk 5 miles a day, but you could easily spot me on the bus and decide I sit about the house watching Jeremy Kyle and scoffing Pot Noodles.

Listen to the perjorative language here: an overweight couch potato or a "fat slob" are also in the eye of the beholder.

You are not a fat blob if you are fit!
If you marry someone and you are used to doing outdoor activities that take physical effort you don't expect them to give up at 47yrs old.

But as a general rule, Working, having a BMI of say, 27, is associated with a range of health risks that having a BMI of 23 is not.

That is not to say there are not exceptions.

That's not what the OP was about though, was it? It was a clear message to conform in terms of appearance. He was getting upset with her size. There was no mention of health or curtailing of activities or anything really, apart from size. Being a size 16 does not, in itself, stop you from doing anything active.

Yes, but BMI is a total red herring in this context. Having a BMI of less than 20 is similarly associated with a range of health risks that having a BMI of 23 is not. If someone loses weight because they are unhappy or aren't making time to eat etc we don't tend to attach value judgements as we do if they gain weight.

I'm not sure where the evidence is in the OP that this has anything to do with health.

I think fruitstick's analogy about education/learning/thinking analogy is an interesting and enlightening one.

if her Dh was to say: she only watches trashy tv, reads magazines and chicklit, never takes an interest in anything serious. God, she has got so THICK and STUPID (cf 'wobbly/ballooned'). a total brainless idiot (cf 'fat blob')
She needs to sort herself out a bit....

how would that sound?
how would it sound if I was to say about a friend :she has got so lazy, she never wants to talk about politics, she just drones on about the gym and running and how far she can run, how crashingly DULL and BORING she is ?

why is 'keeping slim' and attractive' more important, more noteworthy, more open for judgement than stopping studying or not doing anything serious intellectually?

Why would any spouse be happy to see their partner gain a lot of weight and think it's good or attractive. not saying you should stop loving your partner and their are better ways of raising the issue or handling but the reality is no-one wants to see their partner get fat (not talking about a few dress sizes over a many years) - especially if you were both relatively fit and trim when you met.

If she had changed and didn't watch trashy tv when they met it is unfair to change totally-in the same way that if you are slim and fit it is unfair if you can do something about it. Obviously his way of putting it was cruel and unloving and so gave no incentive to change. If he genuinely wanted to help there are nice ways of broaching it.

Surely it's just part of life to change over time? Isn't the nature of commitment an acceptabce of this fact?

acceptance, I mean!

Of course you change over time but you don't just let yourself get unhealthily overweight and then blame the other person for not loving you the way you are! I may choose not to wash for a month and it is unfair to then tell DH he doesn't love me if he only loves me clean!!

I think that some people are in plain denial that they are overweight and instead of thinking it is unhealthy and they must alter their habits they sit back and say they are happy as they are and everyone else should be happy.

begony some men don't notice weight. Some find large ladies attractive.

A certain size 16 friend of mine has never had any trouble attracting the opposite sex. Beating them away wiht a stick more like.

What is considered attractive differs culturally.
When I'm in Jamaica, I feel like a twelve year old boy. Man, those larger ladies can rock their curves.
When I'm in Japan, folk stare at me like I'm the BFG stomping around in my clodhopper size five shoes.
And let's not go there with Russia. At 41, I am at least ten years too old to even be considered a sexual being. The OP, however toned, is just an old crone to those guys.

Don't enter into the debate of what is attractive and what is not. Do your own thing. Let others do theirs.

And even within cultures there will always be personal preference.

I think it was cruel, tactless and insensitive, but then I didn't think much to the lists of the 'things that put you off men' recently and IIRC, a lot of them included fatness.

I think the OP is something of a size fascist. Wasn't she on the thread about larger people at the gym last week, talking about the overweight size 14 lady feeling ostracised by the gym bunnies when she joined, but became "friends" with them once she was down to a 10?

litchick - of course men will find all kinds of women attractive. There is a difference though between meeting your partner at a size 16 and being happy with that compared to you both meeting up when you were both fit and say a size 10 then one partner rapidly gaining a lot weight down the line - I really doubt most partners would be happy or still find that person as attractive. A little weight and a few dress sizes more over the years is one thing but I'm thinking more of Pierce Brosnan and his wife type thing. good for them if they are just as happy with the weight she has put on but I really doubt most partners would be happy with it - doesn't mean they have stop loving them though.

MardyBra

Get it right FFS, she said she felt uncomfortable and found the place cliquey until she started talking to people and found out they were friendly and helpful (about her 3rd visit).

Selective editing by you I think just to fit your point.

Agree with begony. People have different preferences. You marry your preference, so if they change substantially it's going to be a challenge to be as physically attracted to them.

He didn't put it well, but would she prefer him to say nothing and just be thinking it? It is best to be honest in a relationship and have the opportunity to discuss.

newwave - so she had to made the effort. Shame you couldn't have smiled and welcomed her on her first visit.

Mardy are you normally so argumentative in life - you're being ridiculous and looking a bit thick.