Seeing both sides

[newwave]

I am a regular exerciser and tend to watch my diet so when a friend of mine who had not been to the gym for a very long time called me and asked me if I was going on Saturday I said yes and she said she would see me there. This surprised me as at one time she had been a regular but had stopped about three years ago saying that at 47 she had grown fed up with the gym and dieting.

Later I asked her why she was back and she said her DH of over 25 years had said: "I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out" bit harsh I suppose but she had ballooned from a trim 10 to a wobbly 16.

She told me he had been getting upset about her size for a while and admitted it was due to getting a bit lazy.

I consoled her said the right things but AIBU in thinking her DH had a point.

BTW her DH is very fit for a man in his fifties, running, and golf. Still plays football.

Oh SGB so many assumptions there, I feel!

Firstly, being slim doesn't mean one is perpetually hungry. Generally, I'm less hungry these days than I was when I used to eat too much because I'm eating more of the better stuff now which fills you up for longer and gives you proper energy rather than a quick-fix.

Secondly, how about being intelligent, interesting and healthy? I won't say thin because that's not what it's about...it's about looking after yourself. Personally, I feel much sexier when I'm fitter/more toned/slimmer and have a lot more energy for the bedroom gymnastics. I feel and look better in my favourite clothes, my OH finds me more attractive. What's not to like? It's not like I'm starving myself.

But, as has been amply demonstrated on this thread, we're all different and some aren't bothered about being slim; that's fine, good for them; I'm happy if people are happy in their own skin.

I just wish we could get rid of this idea that women who exercise and eat healthily are neurotic/hungry/unhappy/uninteresting/stupid.....all of which have been implied on this thread.

Urgh, Ds2 has been awake since 4 so I am definitely not going near a gym .

Just to set the record straight. Marilyn Monroe was a size 16 towards the end of her life. Some Like It Hot I think she is somewhat bigger than gentlemen prefer blondes.

Audrey Hepburn's gamine figure was largely down to het being incredibly malnourished as a child in wartime Holland.

And they all smoked like chimneys instead of eating.

I've been thinking about this a lot in my sleep deprived state. My sisters have always been thinner than me and often commented on my size. However in much cleverer than them and the only one to have a degree.

However I was NEVER allowed to tease them because that would have been cruel. I always used to think this unfair. Why is weight fair game.

I worked hard at school, got a good education, built a successful well paid career for myself and have never relied on my husband for money. It was easy really, all it took was hard work, discipline, determination and some late nights and early mornings.

What I can't understand is these thick dullards who never bothered to get an education or a decent job who just sit around reading the Daily Mail and watching I'm a Celebrity. Unless you have a diagnosed learning difficulty, not having an education is just down to laziness.

Obviously I would never think this about anyone who chose a different path to me but I find it remarkable that as a society and a gender we find these opinions acceptable about weight and not education or intellect.

A

her DH sounds like a raging twunt.

DH and I have both out on weight since we met but he always denies I am even overweight, even though I am a bit, just because he is kind and sensitive.

And i love him and so put up with his bigger belly.

and i agree with people who say some people just DO accept their weight, i'd of course rather be slimmer as you feel better but it just doesn't rule my life in any way.

He didn't put it very diplomatically but surely it is better to know what he really thinks?
I think it is fair enough. He keeps fit and active and he has a DW who appears to have given in at the age of only 47. They are going to be unable to share interests if she isn't fit enough.
I keep myself reasonably trim and active so I would be horrified if DH just let himself go and wasn't able to do a 10 mile walk with me.

I am older than 47 and I thought that weight gain was inevitable but once I stopped dieting and changed my eating habits I lost over 2 stone and at the same time I upped the exercise. I can't do the gym-too boring-so I found things that did suit. Once you start it becomes a way of life, I now eat what I want to eat (having changed what I want to eat)and I stay the same. If I eat something that is a treat, e.g. this weekend a cream tea with Cornish clotted cream, I compensate elsewhere.
If you really want to do it you can. Obviously if you don't want to do it and DH feels differently then you have to respect the differences. In my case DH said that he liked the way I was but having done it he admitted I was right and since I am, generally, the one to shop and cook he lost over 2 stone too and is much healthier for it.
I can certainly see both sides.

that's the point though, she didn't say she wanted to first, she was prompted to by her telling her to 'sort herself out'

by HIM telling her, I mean

He didn't put it the best way-but does she really want to be overweight and unfit at such a young age? It might be a good time to 'sort herself out'.

Well I'm about the same age as your friend and I'm a size 10. I would hate - and so would DH if I became a size 16 because I was too damned lazy to go to the gym/keep healthy & fit. Likewise I can't imagine how I'd feel if DH became a couch potato.

There are illnesses which cause people to put on weight but when it's down to lazyness that's bad.

He should have put it more kindly but I think his point is fair enough.

He goes to the effort of keeping trim, it's reasonable to expect she should do the same.

Maarilyn MOnroe was NOT a modern-day size sixteen, I promise you. Probably a 10.

pls excuse typing!

fruitstick I don't think weight or intellect are fair game for teasing. It's rude and judgemental to comment negatively on either.

Many people who aren't educated could do something about it. Most people who are overweight could do something about it. In either case, if the person doesn't want to change then there's no issue.

I agree that Marilyn Munroe wasn't a modern day 16-all sizes are bigger. I now fit size 10 trousers-I was slimmer when younger and no way was I a size 10 then.

I really think it's incredibly important that each woman be allowed to decide for herself what size she is without outside comment.

Wome are constantly judged by their looks and if we join in we're part of the problem.

OP says she is nearly fifty. This puts her squarely in the category of 'past it', for most of our society, however fit she is.

That is wrong. And we must fight against it. And not commenting negatively upon looks/weight/age etc is all part of it.

So I choose to stay a size twelve. My choice. I would not dream of imposing it on others. And I know plenty of very beautiful women who are larger than me.

Olifin, that's my exact point, and yet people who make a lifestyle choice not to be slim are called lazy slobs.

Why are you not a lazy slob because you are not doing an evening course?

Litchick - you talk a lot of sense.

I like your thinking, fruitstick.

I am doing one of those lazy slobs who is doing an MSc, working, doing up my house, mothering an eleven month old and larger than I'd like to be.

Perhaps if I were a size 10-12 again I would be more industrious?

I wouldn't like it if Dh suddenly put on lots of weight, fair enough if he feels the same way and he is more toned/in shape than me. No-one expects to stay the same shape and weight as they get older but it depends how much you let it go and if you have both been 'fit' people rather than always being a couch potato. Can't see anything wrong in what the Op is saying.

Before I ballooned into a pregnancy blimp people would often comment on my weight, usually in a jealous way, as I was slim despite eating quite a lot and not being hugely into exercise. Even now they comment a lot on how slim my legs and arms are given that I'm 36 weeks pregnant. Often it's implied that this is some sort of achievement and that I should be proud of it. In my eyes it's totally down to chance and genetics. It's also due to the fact that growing up no issue was ever made of food and generally I just eat when I'm hungry. I don't see food as something that needs to be controlled.

IME it's only the people who are hugely insecure about weight themselves that have any opinion on it, others who are happy enough with their weight don't even notice. So, if someone ever has the gall or bad manners to put themselves as a judge on you remember that they've probably judged themselves even more harshly first. My work colleague has commented me being "fat" (ie pregnant) numerous times, and while it annoyed me at first I know actually feel quite worried because I think he might be heading for an eating disorder. He keeps saying he's large and big despite the fact that he is very slim and fit. It's sad.

BTW thin people are judged just as harshly as fat people. A friend of mine is extremely skinny (about a size 6) despite being a huge eater. Over the years she has a been the target of terrible abuse, with people calling her anorexic and disgusting. Ideally we should be able to accept that other people are not there for our enjoyment, that they have their own lives and we don't have the right to judge them. If someone is fat or skinny that's their own business and if you judge them on it then you should take a long hard look first about how you feel about yourself.

If someone is fat or skinny that's their own business and if you judge them on it then you should take a long hard look first about how you feel about yourself.

well said Writerofdreams

I wonder what the responses would be if a woman posted 'when I married my husband we were both fit and sporty. Now he has stopped exercising in favour of playing X-Box, and gained 3 stone'

Would people say 'mind your own business?'

i would.

I would differentiate between gaining weight due to age and slowing down of metabolism and gaining weight due to eating too much and not doing any exercise. If it was the latter I would broach the matter with DH.

I think this whole thing is about looks and that's what I don't get.

I am 36 and had my first DC 18 months ago. I went from a size 12 to a 14 and haven't lost the weight. No-one to blame but me because I haven't tried. But DH has never mentioned my weight at all. He knows that I'm not happy with it but says that I'm beautiful and loves me as I am. He has put on weight in the 6 years we've been together aswell and I have to say that he doesn't look any different to me, I don't see the weight gain in that sense, I don't look at him and criticize (even inwardly) the extra weight.

So, if it is about looks, what happens when someone loses their hair or God forbid, they have an accident and lose a leg or something. I know it's a bit extreme but it's still all about how someone looks to the other person. If you didn't want your partner to be a fat blob (horrendous thing to say), because to you they didn't look attractive anymore, would they look attractive to you still if they lost all their hair? So do people pick on weight because it can be fixed? What about the things that can't be put right in looks terms? Would someone just 'put up with it' if it can't be changed or would they leave or find someone that met with their ideal look again?

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that you should love the person for who they are and not what they look like because you never know what might happen to someones looks, whether their fault or not.