Seeing both sides

[newwave]

I am a regular exerciser and tend to watch my diet so when a friend of mine who had not been to the gym for a very long time called me and asked me if I was going on Saturday I said yes and she said she would see me there. This surprised me as at one time she had been a regular but had stopped about three years ago saying that at 47 she had grown fed up with the gym and dieting.

Later I asked her why she was back and she said her DH of over 25 years had said: "I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out" bit harsh I suppose but she had ballooned from a trim 10 to a wobbly 16.

She told me he had been getting upset about her size for a while and admitted it was due to getting a bit lazy.

I consoled her said the right things but AIBU in thinking her DH had a point.

BTW her DH is very fit for a man in his fifties, running, and golf. Still plays football.

Yes, but OP is about a lady who has gained 3 dress sizes in 3 years.

My DH would be upset if I gained 3 dress sizes in 3 years because I stopped exercising and ate too much. I think that's fair enough.

Well if you think it's fair enough, then you should think it fair enough when someone judges you as a woman for not being pretty enough, having big enough or the correct shaped breasts, daring to have wrinkles.

Because judge you they will.

All part of the same continuum.

You are, as they say, either on the bus or off the bus.

So your partner would be reasonable to police your food intake and activity levels?

It's about looks, pure and simple. There isn't really even any pretence it's about health here.

Would it be equally okay for a partner to dictate their partner's hairstyle, perfume choice, clothing etc? Why is weight gain "fair game"?

"I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out"

You see, this is the dark side of being gorgeous. I have never been pretty, never been thin so when we got married I knew that DH was marrying me for my personality. I didn't have to worry that he would throw me over for a younger model.

It must be nice to be smug about being 'trim' but you do wonder what quality of man you attract. I want a man who likes me. I don't want a man who thikns of me as armcandy.

That would be a fair comparison if I got wrinkles because I stopped exercising and over-ate.

Mine too IWouldNotCouldNot, just as I would be upset if it happened to him.

Not least because a person who gains weight at such a rate through eating too much and not exercising is likely to be unhappy. (Not talking about people who have always been large and are happily so).

I understand why the phase 'let him/herself go' is offensive and I do find it objectionable that it's usually levelled at women and not men. However, I understand the sentiment behind it perhaps differently to others. For me, if I've 'let myself go', it doesn't mean I'm letting my OH/family/friends/society down....in my case it means I've stopped bothering, stopped caring about myself which means my self-esteem is low because if you feel shit about yourself, what's the point in looking after yourself in the way you deserve?

That's why it's important to me, personally, that I don't 'let myself go'. I have done it a few times in the past and it didn't feel good. It becomes a spiral of not looking after oneself causing low self-esteem and vice versa.

I don't think you understood Litchick's point, goat

Olifin, you are sidestepping.

Approaching someone with sensitivity to ask if they are feeling a bit miserable because they have stopped taking care of their appearance is a tad different to telling them to sort themselves out because you're a bit embarrassed that they're not the trophy they once were.

Olifin, you are of course right. But that's why the OP and her friend's husband are actually part of the problem, not the solution.

He doesn't care that she's unhappy, doesn't care why she's stopped bothering. Just that she's fat. The OP didn't post saying that she was concerned that her friend might be having problems or be unhappy, just that her husband was right.

I actually started a thread recently because I'd 'let myself go' (my words). Generally felt a bit dowdy. I got some great support on here and some really useful tips on how to make myself feel and look better (and it wasn't about losing weight).

But this came from me, not my husband or my friends, and nobody posted to say that I was a lazy fat slob who needed to pull myself together.

If it is indeed a vicious circle of low self esteem then verbal abuse is definitely out of order.

Bangs gavel.

I understand Litchick's point, but I think maintaining a healthy weight is about more than superficial appearance, unlike whether you have wrinkles or not.

Well this thread has done one thing. It's put the fucking fear of god into me
I'm 45 and I had just started to acccept that I had put on some weight and that was OK. I still go running and in fact I've upped my speed quite considerably and am quite a bit fitter than this time last year but hey, I'm also a bit fatter so I guess it doesn't count.

I wish the obsessively skinny wouldn't spread their opinions about body image about like a virus which the rest of us can catch.

Iwouldnotcouldnotwithagoat, that would be fine if there was some mention of concern for health and wellbeing.

I am currently working hard to get the pregnancy weight off and will then work to maintain a healthy weight.. however, that's not really what this OP is about, is it?

If the husband in question said something like, "look, I'm really worried about the impact of putting on so much weight in such a short period of time on your health", I'd have no issue with it. No value judgments necessary if the motivation is related to the OP's friend's wellbeing.

I think all of it is beside the point.

To me it is very simple, leaving aside ways and means of expression, is it acceptable for a partner (of either sex) to express a wish for their partner (of either or indeed same sex) to modify a behaviour that has developed as time has passed, be it eating, drinking, smoking, whoring, spending too much time on MN etc, as it is something that it is within their power to change, would be better for them, and would make said other partner happier?

And just in case we've forgotten, the wording was:

"I didn?t marry you to end up with a fat blob and you need to sort yourself out"

So it is superficial.

Hullygully, I think ways and means of expression are the issue much more than the behaviour modification aspect.

But I would find my DH less attractive if he gave up on his appearance. It's not about looking like a Greek god, just about taking pride in himself. For me that means taking exercise and not over-eating. For me health and attractiveness are intertwined.

working - if it's just about tact, that's a bit dull.

Goat - I agree.

The health issue is perhaps the only fair one.
And someone who trully loves their partner may very well fear for their health if they ate/drank/smoked too much.
However, if this was coming frm a place of love and care it wouldn't have been worded like that would it?

This is an appearance issue.

And as women we need to be very very careful of jining that party becuase ultimatelt it will always turn against us.

So the term letting yourself go is very destructive. Where does it take is to?

Is gaining three dress sizes letting yourself go?
Two sizes?
One?
How about a couple of pounds?
How about our breasts? Should we get implants?
Botox?
Face lifts?

Who gets to decide the level? Husband? So called friends? Heat magazine? Simon Cowell?

I would argue that only the woman herslef should be allowed to decide how far she wants to go, how important it is to her.

Yes, but Chicklit, maintaining a healthy weight is by definition associated with health in a way that wrinkles are not.

Maintaining a healthy weight is not a slippery slope to cosmetic surgery.

Her DH is a dickhead.

And to take that further, what about those times you are unhappy and appearance and health fall by the wayside? Down? Bereaved? Lonely? Feeling "past it"? Well, you know, I didn't marry a fat slob so sort yourself out.

Those of you who say this is okay are condoning verbal abuse because of a selfish perspective. My dh likes me to straighten my hair. I know this because he always compliments it, not because he tells me that I look like I've been dragged backwards through a bush when it's in its natural state. Even if he were to comment on it in its wild, crazy state, I can see no way in which he would then ascribe a personality characteristic to me because of it: "lazy", "slovenly" etc. It's convenient that fat-hate can be disguised as an interest in health, but realistically, mostly it's just fat-hate and control.

Fine for you to control yourself, not so much so when it involves making your partner feel like shit about themselves because you like them to look or behave in a certain way.

I agree with goat. It isn't about looks or cosmetic surgery or wrinkles-it is about maintaining a healthy weight.
A good example is my DS -he had a girlfriend in his teens and they were in Scouts together, she was fit and healthy and the attraction was that they shared the same out door interests, rock climbing, fell walking, camping etc. They split after 3 yrs (she was still thin and fit at this stage)but they are still friends. She has married someone else and is now hugely overweight.
My point is that if my DS was still going out with her is he just supposed to love her the way she is when she is no longer fit enough to share the same interests?
I don't think it fair to take that attitude. I married my DH when he was slimmish and fit-I expect him to stay that way-maybe not that weight, but definitely it is unfair of him to say that he can't do a fell walking holiday because he can't get uphill.(OK if he has health problems but not if he is overeating and not exercising)

I agree that his way of putting it wasn't acceptable.

As do I, Pisces.