AIBU to really dislike the majority of weddings?

[marantha]

Although I will freely admit to thinking marriage is important from a legal point of view, I do not think that being married bears any relation to how much the couple love each other. I base this upon the fact that many couples I know who cohabit are devoted to one another and many couples I know who are married despise each other.

So I do not see why there is such a big deal and romantic nonsense made out of the act of getting married.
Truth be told, it annoys the s* out of me when people get caught up in the act of planning their wedding and make it into a major affair that costs their average salary.
This may have been acceptable in the past when getting married genuinely was a life-changing occasion (but even then there seemed to be less fuss) but in an age where couples cohabit and even have children before getting wed it is a farce when such a big deal is made out of it.
I get sick of the way that these monsters brides-to-be smugly talk of 'tradition' as regards their wedding when their behaviour in the past has been er, very UNtraditional.
Not that I give a monkey's that they've slept with an entire rugby team, but it is galling when they become all high and mighty about what it 'right' and 'traditional' about their wedding.
I also despise the way that the bride becomes totally absorbed in her 'big day' - there does not seem to be any realisation on her part that -apart from her and her groom and close family and friends- nobody gives a toss.
Everyone around her has to go along with the nonsense. And if a person is foolish enough to accept an invite, all sorts of demands will be placed on the guest and all sorts of rude behaviour will follow- sending the wedding list out with the invitation, for example
AIBU?

Have you considered that the people you are asking for money may not actually be able to afford to give you any and that you are making them feel really bad because they can't give you any?

How is it a contradiction to say that marriage is special but cohabitation is just as good?

They're different. And different people prefer different ones. If I say a nice glass of red is my special treat, it doesn't mean you're wrong to prefer a G&T.

Why do you feel you have to prove your view 'right'?

People who know me know me well enough to be invited to my wedding know that I am the poorest in my family and friends and that there have been occasions birthdays, weddings where I have been unable to contribute, and they sometimes do the same vice versa.

If they are close enough to be invited to my wedding they know me well enough to know I would prefer they didn't give a gift rather than put themselves out. I would also make sure I told all guests personally that I don't want them putting themselves out and do not require a gift of any kind. But if they were going to give me a gift (money towards honeymoon or present) then they are giving it because they care and want too and would prefer it be something I like.

"I don't get what the bride and groom are so happy for, to be honest. If they love each other, they love each other-what difference (other than the obvious legal aspect) does signing a bit of paper make?"

I used to think that, but every situation is different.

LordRowdyDuck If a person genuinely believes that cohabitation is as good as marriage (and my views on this is that, apart from the legal aspect it is), why bother getting married?
If I think the make of car I drive is just as good as another make of car and brings me as much happiness, why would I bother getting that other make of car?

I totally agree with the OP - I totally respect the idea of marriage but the full over top 'ceremony' can be really, really over-rated. I had a very small wedding, five guests; we paid for the everything ourselves, no fancy new clothes, no presents - perfect.

I don't particularly enjoy going to weddings, standing around for hours making polite conversation to people you have never met (table plans where you are sat with the bridesmaids, having been asked not to bring your own children), a tasteless meal, indifferent wine, all the expense ......... plus the nightmare of 'the present'. No thanks !

I don't mind at all getting the couple a present. Fair exchange for free grub and drink. But I hate it when they take it for granted that they're going to get one.

And delightfully send store-cards for a well-known dept. store in the same envelope as invite.

I love weddings. I like meeting up with people I haven't seen for ages, meeting new people, getting dressed up, dancing to cheesy discos - what's not to like? If I can't go, I send an apology. If I can, it's helpful rather than offensive if they send a wedding list in the invitation so I can give them something they like without the extra faff of contacting someone I don't know (a parent?) for ideas. And if they'd rather have the money I would spend on a present as cash, then that's OK too (although it was a bit of a cultural gulper when I had the first request). I really don't understand the angst and ire generated on MN by guests at other people's weddings.

I feel just like TheFallenMadonna about weddings.

I have heard about one bridezilla in RL, but didn't know her, only a mutual friend who was invited to her wedding (which the bride had been both planning and saving for since she was about 11).

I have been to one wedding where the wedding list required a deep breath, and I gave them something off list because I couldn't afford a single thing on it.

I have been to several evening receptions and enjoyed them - I rarely feel "second tier", fully understand that people have family, space and financial constraints. The only time I did feel a bit put out was when I was asked to sing in the choir at the church ceremony and then to the evening reception but had to find somewhere else to be for the 5 intervening hours.

So - YABU IMO because I don't know the sort of people that you clearly do.

'My wedding day was utterly joyous.'

To you it was. Some people probably found it a tedious and needless expense :o.

I must be odd, because I love weddings. I've always thought marriage was meaningful- it's a public declaration of your feelings for one another, and a celebration of that with your friends and family. I find it quite emotional and am happy to be part of it.

Also love the wedding reception- the tackier the better! Love people-watching, love the nutcases that emerge from the family skeleton-cupboard at weddings, love watching the bad dancing, the sniping, the gossip- very funny. Also love meeting people I haven't spent time with for ages. I appreciate the fact that the bride and groom have paid to feed us all (and sometimes water us too), and have provided a party (hey, I don't get out much)

I honestly don't care if they don't want my children there- it is up to them. If I can't get childcare, I won't go. If I can, great. Can't understand why people get their knickers in such a twist about it. my boss has the audacity not to invite my children on my work night out, even though DH is sometimes invited, but I don't get huffy about it!

If they include a gift list with the invite, fantastic. they know I am going to buy a gift- of course I am. I can't be arsed having to phone round to find out what they actually want, or spend hours in shops fretting about what to get. A wedding list where you can view it and order online is a godsend IMO. If they want cash, that's fine too. I was happy to contribute to my cousin's honeymoon- I thought it was a great idea. Maybe because generally I like the people who invite me to their weddings, and I would rather deploy my money in whatever way makes them happiest than take it upon myself to decide what they "need"

You all sound very cats-bum-faced about weddings!

To suggest that marriage is not meaningful to people is foolish. It is extremely meaningful to me and indeed everyone I know. It was the start of our life together, we became a family and each others number one priority, we bought a house together and we know we are in it for the long haul, and we knew (hoped) that after our marriage we would have dc together. Amongst my family and friends people do not view couples in quite that way until they are married, so for me cohabiting would not be the same. Weddings amongst my family and friends are therefore joyous and momentous.

Bloody hell maranta a gift list card is just a suggestion, not an order on pain of death.

Just don't by anything off it if it offends you that much.

Well done for doing things the way you wanted on your wedding, it must be nice to look back and think you had the day that YOU wanted?

Although I already have a DD and DP and I live together, I already know our wedding day will be truly amazing as I can't think of any other occasion when all (or hopefully nearly all) the people I most love and care about will be in one place, enjoying themselves. Well, other than when I cark it (although hopefully there will be less enjoyment then...)

I think you should just be honest about how you feek with anyone that invites you to their wedding, word will soon get around about how miserable you are. Problem solved, no more invites.

buy and feel

expat - some people did, and they didn't come for those reasons; my aunt and her husband, who lived 10 miles away, "couldn't leave their dog" (still makes me smile). DH's stepbrother couldn't make it due to work commitments. We were sad they couldn't be there but at least it meant we could invite some more of our friends along! Certainly didn't get in a strop with those who couldn't be there.

Me, I like a good party. And I am religious, marriage is a sacrament I wanted to celebrate publicly with my family and friends.

If people wanted to share that day with us, fab. If not, no worries. I would have hated to think anyone was coming to be with us under sufferance - what a miserable way to think about things!

marantha, come on, think a little.

I think that a small three-door hatchback is just as good a car as a large, 7-seater. But it is very obvious why some people go for one, and some the other. It is the same with many, many things. And it's the same with marriage and cohabitation.

Personally, DH is very religious and marriage was important to both of us for that reason. My big brother isn't religious at all, but wants to stand up in front of his family and make a formal declaration about his wife-to-be. Both are valid reasons to enjoy a wedding. But if you don't feel the need for the religious recognition or the formal declaration, and if the legal aspect doesn't bother you, you'll probably choose to cohabit.

I really don't see what's confusing or hard to understand about this, unless you've read too many wedding magazines/been to too made bridezilla dos recently.

I think the main objection I have over weddings is the amount of fuss and money that goes into something which isn't really that great a party and is usually pretty identikit.

What's the average wedding cost these days? £20k? And it takes on average about a year to plan this one event, right? That's an obscene amount of money and effort to spend on something merely unremarkable.

It is perfectly possible to have a wedding for minimal cost and minimal fuss. We took about an hour planning ours and about half an hour looking round where we wanted to get married. But then we're both professional organisers so we're very used to putting on large events and detailing everything. A wedding is such a small event compared to what we usually organise that really it didn't require any more effort than that.

But what we found is that everyone WANTED us to be faffing more and making a bigger deal out of it. In fact I remember sitting in my MIL's kitchen reading a magazine about 2 hours beforehand and she kept on asking "Shouldn't you be DOING something?" Well no, because it's all organised.

I suppose I could have hand dyed the bridesmaid's shoes, I could have insisted on changing the flowers in the venue to a theme, I could have instigated a full scale assault on favours and picking out pink jellybeans... Would it have made a "better" wedding?

I have been planning my December wedding since July this year. We are having an intimate 14 adults and 5 children to the ceremony and then a dinner. I have got most people to play a little part in the day such as one does a short reading, 3 are bridesmaids and 1 is a page boy. I asked Mil to pick some necklaces for the bridesmaids and 2 are witnesses.

I just wanted everyone to feel part of the day and haven't been bridezilla at all. It's all been very relaxed and non stressful.

Then in the evening we have around 50 coming for a party.

I wasn't going to put the gift list in the invite, then i spoke to MN and the majority said it was the best way. They want to get you a gift so why beat around the bush is what i was told.

So that's what i did. I made sure the gifts were 10/20 pounds, which is what i think is perfectly acceptable to pay for a wedding gift (i had some more expensive stuff, mainly for family purchase.)

Thing is, because i have done a reasonable price, people are buying more than one gift! So you can't win!

I think i will end up having to add more! I remember putting something on for about £25 and at the time think i was being greedy because i thought it was too much! Apprently it isn't?

Who are these people then who put expensive stuff on their gift lists?

The thing i am looking forword to the most is wearing my wedding ring knowing what i represents. I was never into having a big, lavish wedding but i knew i wanted some sort of wedding rather then just going off on our own and doing it.

The planning for me took no time at all. I enjoyed making the invites and favours and the wedding cake (and i made all the sugar flowers) because i enjoy doing craft.

Whilst it feels like the time has gone quick when i think back to July (which feels like yesterday,) when i strated planning. The last few weeks have gone slow and i have said waiting for the waiting is like waiting to give birth, you just want it over and done with now

Am still waiting for all the stress everyone told me i would be having...

How many have you got Ruby?