AIBU to really dislike the majority of weddings?

[marantha]

Although I will freely admit to thinking marriage is important from a legal point of view, I do not think that being married bears any relation to how much the couple love each other. I base this upon the fact that many couples I know who cohabit are devoted to one another and many couples I know who are married despise each other.

So I do not see why there is such a big deal and romantic nonsense made out of the act of getting married.
Truth be told, it annoys the s* out of me when people get caught up in the act of planning their wedding and make it into a major affair that costs their average salary.
This may have been acceptable in the past when getting married genuinely was a life-changing occasion (but even then there seemed to be less fuss) but in an age where couples cohabit and even have children before getting wed it is a farce when such a big deal is made out of it.
I get sick of the way that these monsters brides-to-be smugly talk of 'tradition' as regards their wedding when their behaviour in the past has been er, very UNtraditional.
Not that I give a monkey's that they've slept with an entire rugby team, but it is galling when they become all high and mighty about what it 'right' and 'traditional' about their wedding.
I also despise the way that the bride becomes totally absorbed in her 'big day' - there does not seem to be any realisation on her part that -apart from her and her groom and close family and friends- nobody gives a toss.
Everyone around her has to go along with the nonsense. And if a person is foolish enough to accept an invite, all sorts of demands will be placed on the guest and all sorts of rude behaviour will follow- sending the wedding list out with the invitation, for example
AIBU?

No I am not indicating that it is only virgin brides who deserve a 'big day', what I am saying is that I do not see why there is so much emphasis on weddings being a major life-changing event for the couple if they already have children, a mortgage, and have lived together for years.
It isn't for goodness sake, NOTHING changes (apart from legal side) when a couple in this position get married so why the need to pretend that this is a 'new start', when clearly things will go on as before.

The best weddings I've been to were the ones where it was the 'couple's day' rather than 'the bride's family's day'.

I don't care if they ask for money, send a list out in the invitation or ask me to wear fancy dress as long as they have a long and happy marriage as a couple.

I have been far too aware of the mother of the bride in far too many weddings and will guard against that if and when my time comes :)

I agree with you OP. I totally believe in marriage but weddings are becoming ridiculous. Been invited to two recently where they requested money as a gift and one where the bride had planned it for 2 years, total bridezilla, all dressed in virginal white to marry someone she'd been living with for 8 years and has a 5 year old child with. What the hell was the point of that?

And nothing at all wrong with things going on as before, by the way.

TSC, we didn't do a wedding list, it just seems so presumptious somehow.

We weren't spring chickens and had pretty much everything we needed.

If folk wanted to get us something and asked what we wanted (and some did) we asked for IKEA vouchers to put towards a new kitchen. However, we made it absolutely clear that there was no need and it was their company we required, not a gift.

Some people gave us lovely photo frames, nice glasses, others did give cash and it was of course massively appreciated. Others didn't give anything but their time to share our day with us and that was really all that mattered to me. Particularly my DH's brother and his family who flew over from Australia to be there with us. That meant more than any gift.

I like some weddings, others I don't and thesecondcoming and TrillianAstra are right about wedding lists/gifts

ABU, no - everyone's entitled to their opinion and if you hate weddings, don't go.
I do think you're being a bit nasty/judgemental to be so bilious about it.

I also think it's not just the legal aspect, for us, and for lots of couple's who've co-habited/had kids first it's a way to celibrate their relationship and what they've got together, as reflected in the number of handfasting/humanist type ceremonies that happen that don't always have any legal implications at all

YANBU. Weddings are boring.

We had a wedding list but didn't put the detials in with the invites. Then if someone asked if there was a list we said yes and told them where it was.

Felt that was a suitable compromise as I was very uncomfortable at having one. But then, I quite like choosing from one for other people's weddings as I'm rubbish at buying presents.

Some people were literally begging us to have one for that reason, which I found most odd!

just curious how you would know the bride and groom are virgins...

Not hanging out bloodied sheets and things like that, are they?

I admit that hanging about while the photos are being taken bores the heck out of me is mildly tedious

We must move in different circles then. I don't know anyone who got had children before they got married (even though I know that is usual, but that just happens to be the case in my circle of friends). In my particular case, we were renting a flat but didn't have a mortgage, we didn't have a mortgage, I go to church every sunday and so for me it was a huge life changing event. It meant a lot to share the biggest and best day of our lives with all the people that we loved in the world and to feel the "tidal wave" of love and good wishes that we could feel coming from our friends and family.

We did have a wedding list (again this is just the done thing in my circle). We made it clear in the wedding information booklet we sent out with the invites that we weren't expecting gifts so it was entirely up to people. Some people got us gifts and others didn't, irrespective, everybody got a thank you card where we either thanked them for their gift and made a personal comment about it, or thanked them for attending and made a comment about something we remembered about them from the day.

You must have had some very bad experiences to post such a ranty post! I agree that you should turn down all invites in future! :)

I actually love wedding lists, love seeing what people choose when they have the opportunity to go round John Lewis with a beeper.

Well, you're entitled to your opinion (and I can't dispute most of your reasoning, for what it's worth me saying that) but if you really are having the shit bored out of you to the point that you despise people, I think you need to make a bit of an effort to detach yourself from these things.

People will do what they will do, you won't agree with all of it, some of it will be bonkers conkers, but life is too short to get this cross about it.

Personally I'd try sitting back and having a few more s.

I still glow, more than a year on, when remembering the joy of DS1's wedding. It doesn't make a difference to how married life is going to be, necessarily, but a good wedding is a lovely experience with fond memories for everyone involved. DIL's parents took the strain but not the attention, except perhaps the credit for raising such a fabulous daughter, which was fair enough imo. Everyone behaved, even me when I had to stand next to XH and look cheerful. (I should have had a medal for that.)

They didn't do a wedding list as they were ok for household effects. The note in the invitation said all they required was our company on the day, but if we felt we really had to give something then a financial contribution to the honeymoon would be welcome. I do not think this is at all disgusting, in fact the way they did it was quite gracious and sweet. Why shouldn't someone be happy to give a portion of a romantic memory, tailored to what they can afford/think is right, instead of yet another silver cake-knife? On the other hand they still don't have a decent telly or computer, but they didn't dream of asking people for something so expensive. (When I got married, several hundred years ago, I hadn't even thought about presents when the invites went out, and was caught completely on the back foot when people started to ask about a list!)

Also don't get the grumbling about wearing white. OK, so say it used to signify virginity (not absolutely sure this is true actually?) whereas nowadays some brides aren't virgins. Is that any reason for it not to remain a sort of bridal uniform, so you can see at a glance which one you are supposed to congratulate if your eyesight isn't all that? DIL looked fabulous in ivory satin, which is enough to make me stand up for the fashion against all comers. It's none of my business what she and DS got up to and when, and frankly irrelevant to the proceedings. We were there to help celebrate their relationship, not to give them "permission" to shag.

Waste of money? Sure. So's a holiday, but lots of people still have 'em and even claim they are "necessary". It's not necessary, but if you (or in this case the bride's parents!) can afford it, why the hell not?

We were the same novice. No house or belongings before, and like that for most people I know. Anyway regardless of any of that it is a celebration of love and commitment and hope. Life would be awful without things to look forward to whether it be holidays, Christmas, weddings. Most people I know love weddings, so you should probably stay away. We had a couple of people at ours who were right old grumps (not with us but because of issues they had with others at the time) I've always thought less of them ever since, that they did not have the social skills and empathy to put things aside for one day.

I hope, if any of mine decide to marry, they elope like we did.

It's just wrong to put wedding list in with invite. If a guest asks, fine, tell them what is desired. But to effectively say, 'Come to our wedding. We want this' is wrong.

Nothing should be asked of guest but company.

Expat, I was always told I would be given £500 to elope, so I guess I grew up with the understanding there wasn't going to be a big 'do' funded by my parents.

My own DM didn't want a big wedding but was forced into it. I guess it was harder to do your own thing in the 60's.

We have been rather ostracised for not having a 'proper wedding'. We have been to the big fancy things you have described, but we couldn't afford anything like that so did a registry jobby just the two of us, with witnesses grabbed off the street :o
We have had a lot of comments about how we 'deprived' people of a party, and have found our social circle diminishing. We have been excluded from some weddings as "well they didn't invite us to theirs"....it has been really hurtful, it's almost as though it never struck them that we might have been broke, we were just selfish.

I like optimism and a positive outlook and I think that getting married is such a sanguine thing to do.
Plus it's little enough that our extended family get together for a happy party.

I don't mind a good party at all.

It's when the happy couple book a country pile 25 miles away, so a small fortune in taxis. Then they have their wedding list, with nothing coming in at less than £50.

It makes it an expensive day out and that's before they've specified a 'dress code' so you have to fork out for a new outfit and drinks at extortionate rate.

I'm probably just an old misery, but it doesn't really seem to be about celebrating with your friends and family, it appears that no thought has been put into the needs of your guests at all.

I think you've been to some bad weddings.

But why does it matter? As long as you enjoy/enjoyed your own, you only have to RVSP and either turn up or not, smile or not, then go.

And you can always come back and bitch about it here.