to think my friend should've picked her small baby DD up 2 hours ago when I asked her to?

[taintedpaint]

I am looking after my friend's 5 month old DD today. Said friend has gone to an appointment that she couldn't take her DD to. I said fine, I would look after her. I have a childless house today and a day off work, so here I am. She was supposed to pick the baby up at 2pm, but sent me a text message to say she was doing something else and would be picking her up anytime from about now onwards.

I was not told before I agreed to the babysitting that there would be anything beyond this appointment and I specifically told my friend that I would not be able to look after the baby beyond 3pm as I had things to do.

To top it all off, the baby is exclusively breastfed and refuses to take a bottle (which my friend knows only too well) so I have had a screaming baby on my hands that my friend should have picked up two hours ago, no way to pacify her and no idea when she will be picked up.

It's the poor little baby I feel sorry for, she is hungry and tired and I can't do a thing for her.

AIBU to refuse to babysit again and be pissed off at my friend for not sticking to the plan? The extra thing is not something that needed to be done specifically today btw.

i have to say, i think i too would agree to take the baby again. i get the feeling that if she knows you won't then she will get someone else and do the same thing again because they ahve no knowledge that she has done this before. at least with you she knows it isn't acceptable and youw ill be able to keep an eye on things.

WRT a hungry baby taking a bottle, if a baby is only used to BFing then a bottle teat is just another inanimate object that you are trying to force into it's mouth. teh baby is not aware that food will come out of it, also, formula milk smells different to BM so the baby will not recognise it as food. some babys will take a bottle if offered but others have no clue that it will produce food and so keep on refusing, especially if they are over tired and hungry and panicky.

nappyaddict, she said something about shopping and picking stuff up and coming back as soon as possible, which turned out to be a long time later.

She did not think the baby had settled, I am fairly certain of that, although I do see what you mean. She just came back when she had finished doing what she was doing, she didn't come back when she knew her DD was distressed.

booyhoo, I think I will take the baby again. I'm hoping my friend has learned a lesson from this, and I would worry about the baby being left with someone who has less patience than me.

I had a breastfed baby who never took a bottle in about a year of attempts. Not EBF, not formula, not cows milk (when she was old enough), nothing. It didn't matter how hungry or not she was or how happy or not, she just didn't bloody like them. Some just won't.

I was lucky with ds, he took breastmilk and then formula from a bottle. I was told not to introduce the bottle as it would confuse him but I did, early on, and in my opinion, it was that which got him used to it.

I dont think it should be up to Op to text the mother that baby is still crying. If I was the mum and had one text saying she was upset, I would be straight back, texting on the way to say so. When you are dealing with an upset baby, not your own, it is worse and it is hard to think never mind text. The mother should have been calling and asking how her child was.

tainted Sorry if you've said already but did you tell your friend when you arranged to babysit that you couldn't have the baby after 3pm or only when she text on the afternoon to say she would pick her up from about 4pm onwards. When she text to say this did you reply to remind her that the baby needed to be picked up by 3pm because you were going out?

How far away was the appointment/shops to your house with heavy traffic? Could it be that when she text to say she was quickly picking stuff up and would be on her way back she did do that. I know for me a 40 minute journey into town can easily double if you leave any time near about 3.

nappy, she knew from the moment I agreed to babysit that I could only do until 3pm. She said she would pick up at 2pm at the same time and that was the arrangement even on the day, nothing was spoken about to change it. And I did remind her.

Heavy traffic would not come into play on that route, not at any time of day really. And it certainly would not account for two and a half hours late picking up even at the worst moments. The problem was definitely her adding the extra part onto her day, which she definitely did not tell me about. Had she mentioned it that morning, I certainly would've questioned her about it.

But when she sent you a text to say she would pick her up from 4pm onwards why didn't you say no? She could have forgotten you were doing stuff or even just thought you weren't doing it anymore if you didn't say it was a problem? I know when I've babysat my godson his mum has said oh I'll be back by 12:30 and then text me at 12 saying she'll be back closer to 2. It wasn't a problem so I didn't say anything but if it had been a problem she wouldn't have known unless I said it was IYSWIM? If you didn't say no to the 4pm onwards pick up then she was only really 30 mins late, which traffic could account for?

nappyaddict you are trying your damndest to see this from the mother's perspective, which is admirable but missing the point.

Why should the mother text that she was returning at 4 and expect that to be ok or indeed a text to say it is not. She knew her baby was upset, and instead of this bringing her straight home (as well as the op already stating that morning she must be on her own way somewhere at 3) she went shopping!

That is entirely unreasonable. And cold towards a bf starving, crying baby. Nothing excuses that. Nothing.

nappy, with the greatest respect in the world, what is your agenda with me? I don't know how I can make this any clearer tbh. I told my friend I couldn't do past 3pm, she said it wouldn't be past 2pm. She then took it upon herself to be two and a half hours late because she wanted to do some shopping and pick some things up. I told her this wasn't okay, she just said she wouldn't be long and I didn't really know for sure what that meant. She threw out my entire plans for the afternoon.

But that pales in comparison to the fact that she left her baby DD screaming through hunger and came back with very little concern about that and very little apology for me.

Sorry, but have you ever done this to someone and are feeling a bit defensive or embarrassed? I don't understand why you're all with the questions otherwise!

taintedpaint I don't have an agenda, but to give a full opinion of the situation I personally think people need to know the nitty gritty details. Some things aren't clear so I was trying to get some clarification on them.

You said she text you saying she would pick some stuff up and come straight away. What time did she text this? And how long does it take to get from wherever she was to your house?

In the OP you said that your friend had said she would pick her DD up from now (4pm) onwards. So had you relectuntly agreed to that time or did you say that it was not OK when it was mentioned and she needed to be back before 3pm?

Tainted YANBU, I'd be really pissed off if someone done this to me. Yes unexpected things happen which could have made her late but it did'nt, your friend simply put her own needs before that of you and more importantly her poor DD!

Nappy I get what you are saying but there is NO REASON for this woman to have left her baby screaming with someone else knowing fine well she'd be starving, yes fair enough it'd have been okay if the baby could be fed with a bottle but again she knew this was'nt the case!

Right....hopefully this will be the last round of questions you have.

I do not remember now the time she text and exactly what she said. Texts have not been saved. If you look back through the posts, you may well see I have given an answer on the day it happened that would suffice. WRT travelling time, it does depend on the route she takes, but nothing more than half an hour, and that's being generous. Usually 15 minutes will do it.

I hadn't agreed to that time. I said it was not okay and she was to return as soon as possible as her DD was screaming and was hungry and wouldn't take the bottle. After this, I gave up. I am pregnant, tired and looking after a screaming hungry baby. If a mother hears that her baby is hungry and won't take a bottle and her only response is "oh, I didn't think she would, I just thought it was worth trying", and still doesn't try to get back on time, what chance do you think there is of me getting her to haul her behind to my house? One ask should've been enough.

In case it wasn't already obvious, the problem was caused by the shopping and picking things up, things I suspect she planned before drop off, but which she had not made me aware of. I had asked what she planned to do, not out of nosiness, but because I was on a clock (so to speak) and also because the baby is so young. I was told it was only an appointment. Nothing else was said, even that morning.

Is there anything else you need to know?

mamadiva, you've understood, thank you. As I said further up the thread, I am keeping an eye on things as I am concerned there may well be a real problem, but I am still quite put out by the whole thing, overwhelming because of the poor baby suffering for it.

Thanks tainted that's much clearer now.

I think I would have taken the baby with me at 3pm to wherever I needed to go or was that not possible?

Oh sorry meant to add and made the mother pick her up from there instead of waiting for her.

nappy, I don't have a car seat yet, so I couldn't have done it. I only have one for my nephew and he is four, so that wouldn't have been suitable. It wasn't walking distance and tbh I don't think I could've faced it with the baby crying the way she was. If it was only a case of lateness and I could've taken the baby, I would've done.

No problem Tainted :)

Is there any chance your friend could have post-natal depression? I only say this as a friend of mine had it and was quite distant from her son, as in if he was not with her and she could'nt hear him cry then it was like it just was'nt her problem because she was just happy to be away from it for a while. Does that make sense? It just seems odd that someone can genuinely not seem to care about their tiny baby going hungry even for a few short hours for the sake of a shoppig trip.

Tainted, you must listen to nappyaddict here, you are still clearly in the wrong. Why on earth you wouldn't want to go out to your appointment with a screaming hungry baby that hadn't stopped crying for the last hour I don't know

mamadiva, my friend says she is okay, but I'm not willing to take her at face value on that tbh, I'm keeping an eye on her. PND is a possibility and everything you've said makes total sense. I really couldn't make a call on it, but I am definitely not turning a blind eye.

kitsmummy, that's exactly it. It was not at all practical to go anywhere or do anything with the LO at that point. She needed a breastfeed and since I couldn't do that for her, there was no way I could reasonably take her out with me.

tainted Did her appointment finish later than your friend expected? That is really the only valid reason I would accept for her lateness. I'm guessing this probably isn't the case though else your friend would have said. She knew you had to go out at 3pm. The arranged pick up time was 2pm which more than allowed for any lateness that might occur. If I really need to leave at a specific time I always pretend its 30 minutes before so hopefully even if a person is late it won't affect my plans and you actually arranged 60 minutes in advance.

mamadiva But if your friend knew her son was crying cos he was hungry would she have gone back to feed him?

I didn't have PND but if I left DS with a babysitter I knew he was being looked after, he would be being fed, changed, comforted etc I wouldn't go back if he was crying unless I was asked to because the babysitter couldn't cope or if he was ill. He did take bottles normally so if his reason for crying was cos he wouldn't have his milk I wouldn't go back but that's because bottles were well established by then. When we first had to get him onto bottles I also "abandoned" him to try and force him to take one and didn't go back for the day to stick to the plan. However neither of these was the cases with this little girl and in that scenario I would have gone back.

Despite not going back the second he started crying I would stick to arranged times and if I was late it was 15 mins late at most or if an appointment ran over or I had really badly misjudged what the traffic would be like.

OMG really, more questions? Seriously, are you my friend?

No, the appointment did not finish later. As I said a couple of times, the problem was the shopping and the picking things up. With only the appointment on her schedule, she should've picked up by 2pm.

If she wanted to 'abandon' her DD with me to force the feeding, that's not something you do without asking and I certainly would not have agreed to that. I am pregnant, also have a four-year-old and somewhere I had to be that afternoon.

She was two and a half hours later, her DD was very distressed and hours late for a feed. And I missed what I needed to do.

Are we good now, or is there anything else?