to think my friend should've picked her small baby DD up 2 hours ago when I asked her to?

[taintedpaint]

I am looking after my friend's 5 month old DD today. Said friend has gone to an appointment that she couldn't take her DD to. I said fine, I would look after her. I have a childless house today and a day off work, so here I am. She was supposed to pick the baby up at 2pm, but sent me a text message to say she was doing something else and would be picking her up anytime from about now onwards.

I was not told before I agreed to the babysitting that there would be anything beyond this appointment and I specifically told my friend that I would not be able to look after the baby beyond 3pm as I had things to do.

To top it all off, the baby is exclusively breastfed and refuses to take a bottle (which my friend knows only too well) so I have had a screaming baby on my hands that my friend should have picked up two hours ago, no way to pacify her and no idea when she will be picked up.

It's the poor little baby I feel sorry for, she is hungry and tired and I can't do a thing for her.

AIBU to refuse to babysit again and be pissed off at my friend for not sticking to the plan? The extra thing is not something that needed to be done specifically today btw.

So glad mine were just bottle fed.

Like you OP this makes me very angry but thinking about it this woman must have something else going on. Does she have much other support? If this was the first time in 5 months she's been away from the baby I could see how she'd have a bit of a 'break' and think 'Oh I'll just go and do x, y and z whilst I can' - even though she couldn't.

Was it necessary to say that, RCT - it doesn't really help, does it?

I hope you are having a better day op. and the child's mother is not ill.

To be perfectly honest, and aware I will get flamed, I don't see what is wrong with giving a desperate baby a bit of mushed banana if it is starving and unable to drink from a bottle. A syring of milk or water first, of course. But if baby cant/wont take it, there is every reason to give it some nourishment any which way you can.

The mother's wishes regards weaning are not really priority when she made it clear her babie's needs where not priority, illness or otherwise.

I loved bf my son but it was hard going, and I weaned at five months as he was ready. I remain convinced it was the non stop feeding that made me seriously ill. It is hard, for some more than others, and definately chains you to the baby more.

baby's even

I have to say, that those who are saying "PND is not an excuse, you don't do that", don't really understand what can happen with mental illness.

Just because when you have PND, you wouldn't have left your baby, doesn't mean that it wouldn't manifest that way in someone else.

You might have felt like you couldn't cope, you might have felt that you were on the edge and that you wanted to cry and have someone else look after your baby becuase you couldn't do it anymore.
Someone else might have had the stiff upper lip "i can cope, everytihing's fine" for ages and then just cracked. If that's what's happened here, the last thing she needs is a group of women saying that she's not worthy of her baby or that she can't use her illness as an excuse.

Some mothers feel that way, others have no choice but to act on it.

I can't even begin to imagine how low she might be feeling, or to ttry to empathise with her, or any of you that have been through such an awful time.
But I do know people who have suffered from depression, and I know someone who self-harmed, and I know someone who took an overdose (and nearly died and had to have a stomach pump and all sorts), and I know someon who just felt so low that they couldn't function for months. I also know of someone (a friend of a friend) who committed suicide because they couldn't cope with life.

I wouldn't say that that person couldn't use depression as an excuse because you just don't do that - all these people equally needed help, it's just that some of them didn't have the same reactions as the others.

Could you get a desperate baby to take mashed banana, or any other non-liquid food, though? If the baby has only ever had milk, it's surely not going to be receptive to such a new thing when it's panicked about being hungry?

Hi everyone, so sorry for not getting back online last night, I was really tired and flaked out by about 9pm.

I called my friend and told her I was a bit worried about her and was there anything she wanted to talk about. She asked if I was upset with her, I told her I wasn't impressed with what she did and basically that she shouldn't have left her DD for that long knowing she wouldn't have taken the bottle. She apologised but denied there was a problem. I will be keeping an eye on her regardless, because I don't think what happened yesterday was in any way normal, or her response (apology or explanation) sufficient. I hope the fact that I was visibly annoyed with her will prevent her doing the same again to anyone else (and more importantly to her DD).

I'm not going to offer babysitting again for quite some time. If she asks (and I decide to accept), I will ask for an exact time she will be back and how many things to has to do. In light of what happened, I don't think that's unreasonable.

WRT baby being hungry enough to take the bottle, I don't honestly know, but I can tell you the LO was not taking it yesterday, and I was trying to feed her right up until my friend arrived.

I am home from work now and plan to do absolutely nothing . DNephew will be delivered home by his friend's mum (we take it in turns carpooling from school) in a few hours and until then I plan to lay on the sofa watching Ocean's Eleven and MNing. I have earned my afternoon of nothingness :).

But more to the point, thank you all for the messages, I really appreciate it and I will update this thread if anything else happens.

Thanks again. :)

I thought she might be like that

I think in your (v difficult) situation, I would be talking to the health visitor that deals with your friend. Just to raise it as a concern.

I would also, and sorry for saying this, be taking the baby again myself because at least that way I could monitor what was happening.

If you don't, she might give someone else the unenviable job and that person might not worry so much about what's going on.

I would hate to think she was going to do this again and would rather know so I could access appropriate help, should it become very clear there is an ongoing problem.

Some people are just selfish prats and their child's wellbeing comes below their own.

Good point Ennis. I think I may agree to babysit again (I doubt it will take long for her to ask) and see what happens WRT to time and whether she sticks to it. The LO seems fairly happy and healthy so before yesterday, I didn't really have any cause for concern. I will monitor though. I feel a bit funny doing that to a friend, but I am now more worried for the child than angry at what happened. Looking at the situation as a whole, my friend is perhaps a little lacking in common sense, but I never thought she wasn't coping with her DD or anything like that.

It difficult to know if your friend is depressed taintedpaint. I am glad you are getting some peace today, make the most of it!

Some people just have different standards of parenting. What shocks us doesn't even register with some mums. I had a friend who insisted having a child wouldn't change her life When ds was new home from hospital she came to visit with her bf and a large carry out! Didn't think it unreasonable to have a party at mine with a three day old baby.

Her toddler escaped onto a busy road wearing only vest and nappy as she was in bedroom on laptop and her bf (a waster who takes cocaine) slept on sofe.

Was angry at the neighbours who found him calling the police. They didn't know the toddler so did the right thing.

Most people would be greatful. Actually, most people wouldnt lose a toddler from their own home.

Bloody hell perfumed! You hear of these people, but you never really believe it until you see it! I'm possibly overcautious with my DN (he hasn't been living with me for all that long and I think I'm still settling into a pattern IYGWIM) so sometimes I question whether I'm being a bit too judgemental but I'm really shocked at your friend!

I know tainted

You are doing a lovely thing raising your nephew. I think he is a lucky boy to have you, and a little play mate on the way.

Good point mrspickles I found ds used me as a comforter when breastfed, and no one else could settle him as he wanted my breasts.
All the more reason for not being long away.

I had this happen to me once. One of DH work friends wifes had a baby, I had DD1 who was 3years old at the time but worked with kids. She found out and asked if I would have her DS for a few hours as she had a job interview to go to. He must have been about 7 months old. She was 4.5 hours late picking him up!! I barely knew her, had only met him once and didnt even know her surname she came back with loads of shopping and hadnt even called to say she would be late and only told me when called to find out where she was
She asked again a few weeks later and you can guess my reply
some people just dont get it¬!

Aw thank you perfumed . We are muddling through together but I think we're taking care of each other. He wants to call the baby 'boy' or 'girl'. I see his logic, but....

mrspickles, I think you could be right as well, I actually think it's a combination of things that led to the prolonged screaming. I just really hope it doesn't happen like that again (and I'm saying that for the LOs sake, not mine).

MrsPickles, it would depend on how old the baby is - if it's a strapping 3yo like mine then no, he probably does just need a quick suck and will fall asleep! But a baby a few weeks or months old will be hungry after 4/5 hours, because their tummy is so very small.

Frequent feeds are important with small babies, you can't just feed them a lot in one sitting iyswim - not quite sure if I'm stating the obvious and you're talking about a much older baby!

taintedpaint Sorry to nag but did you see my question above?

nappy's Question again :
"taintedpaint When did you first tell the baby was crying from hunger and did you tell her again or could she have thought the baby had stopped crying or since eaten or something?"

Hi nappyaddict. I didn't mean to ignore your question, the thread moved on so quickly I don't think I had chance to answer everyone individually.

Do you mean when you asked if I had told her how the baby was and asked her to come back? If so, yes I did. I said (somewhere on here lol) that I had sent a text saying that she wouldn't take the bottle, to which she answered that she didn't think she would but thought it was worth trying. I told her her DD was screaming, hungry and wouldn't settle in a message that followed that (sorry, not sure if I mentioned that). Not sure if I specifically said COME BACK NOW (but I think I did), but she did know that I had things to do after 3pm so even if there was no childcare issues, there were my plans, which she seemed to pay no mind to.

If it wasn't that question, was there something else?

Ah right, slightly different question.

When I knew she was due a feed (according to the schedule I was given) I tried her with the bottle as soon as she made any noises. That was when I sent a text to say she wouldn't take the bottle. I didn't tell her again as nothing changed. Perhaps in hindsight I should've done.

As an aside though, from the things my friend has said since (both texts and the phonecall last night), it didn't occur to her that the situation had changed, she just didn't come back because she was busy, not because she thought her DD had settled.

Regardless of the feeding problems, she knew you had places to be after three. Any normal mum would be so utterly greatful that a good, trusted friend was looking after their baby, would not want to take the mickey by outstaying their welcome and come back prompt with a bunch of flowers/wine/cakes.

Did she do that? No.

I don't think this sounds like PND, I think it sounds like being a chancer.

I meant that after you had text to say she was screaming did she reply again? What time was that? Did she know that she was still screaming hours after or did you not mention it again?

I was just thinking that if you had mentioned she was screaming at X time but then not mentioned it again that maybe her mum thought since you hadn't mentioned it again she had now settled?

It is obviously still out of order that she was late when she knew you had things to do though.