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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my friend should've picked her small baby DD up 2 hours ago when I asked her to?

165 replies

taintedpaint · 17/11/2010 16:03

I am looking after my friend's 5 month old DD today. Said friend has gone to an appointment that she couldn't take her DD to. I said fine, I would look after her. I have a childless house today and a day off work, so here I am. She was supposed to pick the baby up at 2pm, but sent me a text message to say she was doing something else and would be picking her up anytime from about now onwards.

I was not told before I agreed to the babysitting that there would be anything beyond this appointment and I specifically told my friend that I would not be able to look after the baby beyond 3pm as I had things to do.

To top it all off, the baby is exclusively breastfed and refuses to take a bottle (which my friend knows only too well) so I have had a screaming baby on my hands that my friend should have picked up two hours ago, no way to pacify her and no idea when she will be picked up.

It's the poor little baby I feel sorry for, she is hungry and tired and I can't do a thing for her.

AIBU to refuse to babysit again and be pissed off at my friend for not sticking to the plan? The extra thing is not something that needed to be done specifically today btw.

OP posts:
gretagarbo · 17/11/2010 17:09

I'm not sure PND is an excuse for this. I had it and I know others who did too. Neither they nor I would ever do anything like this.

My mother had a similar thing happen to her. One of her neighbours dumped their child on her and disappeared all day. "Luckily" for this baby, my mum was breastfeeding my brother at the time, so she ended up breastfeeding the neighbour's child. My mum was pretty fragile herself at the time, I think the experience really effected her (not in a good way).

OP, glad you're ok now. You did a good thing for a friend, albeit she sounds like a selfish cow.

FreudianSlimmery · 17/11/2010 17:10

I'm astounded at this thread. I hope you talk to her though, and find out her reason for doing this to her baby (and you)

Either she is really clueless and selfish, in which case she needs a damn good telling off,

OR she has PND, in which case it could be very severe if it made her abandon the baby like that for so long.

Either way I think you need to find out.

Coca · 17/11/2010 17:10

I would call her. If she has PND and you have been friends for ages this may be a cry for help. I had PND for ages before I realised it so she may be suffering but unable to understand what is wrong. I just wanted to get away from my dd1 (never did this though). Or she could just be a cow. Either way I'm sorry you had such a distressing day.

BalloonSlayer · 17/11/2010 17:12

There aren't many appointments that you can't take your children to. The only two I have ever heard of were neurosurgeon) and mental health assessment for PND.

FetchezLaVache · 17/11/2010 17:15

Yes, I agree you should call her once you've cooled down and have a word.

JRuBastard · 17/11/2010 17:16

I'm not 'excusing' her behaviour by using PND, but her actions were so outrageous that I thought some sort of breakdown or mental health problems might be an issue, that's all.

Vallhala · 17/11/2010 17:23

Do we know when the mother left the baby with the OP - have I missed that somewhere?

I'm asking as it doesn't appear to have been stated and so it's possible that the mother had only fed and left the babe at 1pm, telling the OP that she'd be back at 2. Even though she was out of order turning up 2.5 hours later, had she only left a full-bellied 6 month old at 1pm she may not have been that unreasonable in thinking that the babe wouldn't be likely to be screaming for food 3.5 hours later (if that makes sense).

If of course she'd left the babe at 9 or 10am, that's a different matter. Either way, she's taking the piss out of tainted's good nature.

nowwearefour · 17/11/2010 17:24

Babysitting is a repeated game, isnt it? so i would assume she has blown it and you wouldnt do it again for her. and i DEF wouldnt be trusting her with teh 4 yr old or your baby....

Original poster
taintedpaint · 17/11/2010 17:30

Just a quick update before DNephew is home. Friend has texted to apologise for being late, I think it must've been obvious how I felt since she has done that.

I think I will call her later. There have been enough messages on here talking about PND to make me wonder, so if I haven't heard from her again by about 8pm, I'll give her a quick call and ask her if everything is okay. Now I've calmed down a bit, the less angry I feel and the more perplexed I am. As I said before, I am pregnant and raising my DNephew so I have not yet had a small baby myself, but I can't imagine that this is normal in any way, so I think there has to be a reason. At least I hope there is a reason, as otherwise I think I would worry more for the baby than I already do.

Thanks again for all your support today. I will try to get back on here tonight (will be much later though) and let you know how the phone call goes.

OP posts:
Original poster
taintedpaint · 17/11/2010 17:32

Val, she left her DD with me at 11:45.

Sorry, should've mentioned that before. :)

OP posts:
Vallhala · 17/11/2010 17:37

Ah, so had she come back as arranged it should have been no issue. Coming back, what, 4 hours and 45 minutes later and no wonder the poor child was getting hungry! Ten out of ten to you for patience and for not clumping the mother one!

My DC are teenagers - when they were babes the norm for weaning was about 4 months old (and they were formula fed). I realise now just how much easier both of those choices were for both my babies and for me.

MumNWLondon · 17/11/2010 17:41

I am v shocked by this thread. If she fed say at 11.15am, 2pm was about right in terms of pick up when the baby would be hungry and she would have known that.

Very strange that she went to do something afterwards - ie more strange than if appointment overan.

I did look after DNephew at 3 months while my sister went for an interview and he screamed the whole time (he'd just beed fed, he was tired), not any fun looking after someone else's screaming baby.

OTTMummA · 17/11/2010 18:03

I think it goes against a mothers basic instinct to let your own baby to go hungry.

No matter how much she apologises, i would be telling her never to ask for babysitting again.

What was so bloody important?

CrazyPlateLady · 17/11/2010 18:47

I'm sorry but there is no excuse for what she did, PND or not, and I had it.

She left breastmilk and formula knowing full well her baby wouldn't take it and then chose to do non urgent things after the agreed time to pick the baby up. Disgusting behaviour!

I also don't buy this crap that she couldn't take a 5 month old to an appointment. They just lay there.

SauvignonBlanche · 17/11/2010 18:52

Wow, poor you and poor baby! Sad

reallytired · 17/11/2010 19:22

PND depression is not an excuse for such poor behaviour. What she did was child abuse.

Does she deserve her baby back?

Lulumaam · 17/11/2010 20:29

i think reallytired, she does

if this is a one off or she has issues, she needs support to be a better mother to her baby.

it is extreme to leave a baby so long knowing that they would not be able to feed

hopefully the OP can get through to her what a bloody awful thing she's done

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 17/11/2010 20:49

Wow Reallytired one screw up and your baby is taken away. Bloody Hell social services get ready for an avalanche of children to be removed from poor parents who have the temerity to make a mistake!!!

reallytired · 17/11/2010 21:46

I don't think the baby should be taken into care. If she wants to leave the baby to force it to take a bottle then the person needs to be VERY experienced with babies and know that is the intention.

I left my daughter at a day nursery knowing it would be a fight to get her to take a bottle. However the lady was very experienced nursery nurse. Not someone who has never had a baby.

I do think that the mother needs a wake up call somehow. She needs to grow and realise that you cannot just abandon a baby like that. Its grim, but the carefree days of shopping are over.

Meglet · 17/11/2010 21:53

I reckon the mum is a wreck and wanted to get away. I always wanted to run off, never did though, just stayed miserable and fed up at home instead Hmm.

nappyaddict · 18/11/2010 01:37

taintedpaint When did you first tell the baby was crying from hunger and did you tell her again or could she have thought the baby had stopped crying or since eaten or something?

ClimberChick · 18/11/2010 01:57

As you say OP it is a very odd thing to do. The only thing I can think of is that she came out and was suddenly overwhelmed with the feeling that she couldn't come back yet. Was it her first time away from baby?

As for taking to appointments, I can completlely understand why she didn't take the baby. At 5 months there not bundles you can just leave to there for half an hour anymore (well mine certainly wasn't).

Gangle · 18/11/2010 03:44

Just playing devil's advocate but I thought that if a baby was really hungry it would take a bottle?? When I went back to work when DS1 was 7.5 months he wasn't keen on taking EBM from a bottle at all and most days didn't although he wasn't particularly upset by it, just breast fed all night to make up for it. I used to console myself by thinking that if he was really truly hungry during the day when I wasn't there then he would take the EMB from the bottle. Is this not the case?

Gangle · 18/11/2010 03:45

EBM I meant.

girlsyearapart · 18/11/2010 03:58

I don't know gangle never had it that way around but dd3 is mix fed and would usually switch easily from bottle to breast- even if not taking a full breast feed but this week she's been poorly and will not take the breast whatsoever.
Especially if the baby was distressed if it didn't want to take a bottle it wouldn't have done