For not wanting my husbands pregnant girlfriend to meet our children yet?

[armywife1]

My husband left me on 31 May this year telling me he needed time to consider our future together. On 27 June he told me our marriage was over and on 2 July concieved a baby with a woman with whom he claimed he slept with for the first time. Needless to say we are now going through a divorce. However my husband is pushing hard for our children to meet his new woman, before the child is born in March. Our children are 4 and 2 and we will be moving house on 31 March next year. Am I being unreasonable requesting that he waits until the children are settled in their new home, school and nursery before they meet his new partner and their child? I feel bullied by a man and his new partner who clearly feels she needs to meet his children. In less than 6 months my children have had to accept that their father has left home and now he wants them to meet his partner and get excited about a new half sibbling.

1)OW is NOT a "stepmum". She might be one day, (she might not)but she aint now.

2)I am making an educated guess based on the situation that, no, the OW won't want the kids around. I might be wrong but I doubt it.

3)This happened to OP a couple of MONTHS ago and I am entitled be to angry on her behalf, and also to express sympathy about how she must be feeling.

4)If you read my earlier post I never said she should live her life filled with bitterness. I actually said she should meet the ow, be business like and cool, and that eventually she would move on and meet someone wonderful.

Also, as I said earlier, IF the new relationship works out, and IF the OW becomes a step mum, the OP can deal with that as it arises.
What I mean is that there is no need right now to start formalising all of this half sibling/ stepmother/shared parenting stuff when there is a pretty even chance (imo) that the relationship will not work anyway.

To wait and see what happens without being rushed , bullied, or worst of all GUILTED into doing what the Ex wants seems to me the best course of action.

And I am a step daughter and also a potential step mother so I have a lot of perspective on this too.

Too much fucking perspective

So why would you post a helpful post advocating a positive position for the OP to take then counteract it with an emotional rant which detracts from your initial post?

Why would the OW not want his kids around based on the situation? Seriously I'm not trying to be argumentative but I don't see why the OW would think that.

I don't understand why you think she is now being "guilted" or "bullied" into doing something.

I seriously don't believe that her EXH or his partner are sitting around thinking of how they can make the OP feel guilty or think of ways to bully OP into doing what they want. Because they are moving on with their life does not mean they are bullying or guilting her.

I think he feels as their father he has as much right to voice his opinion over their case as the OP does, regardless of his relationship with his new partner.

I dont think any of us go out pro-actively looking for s/children - and when s/mums end up truly loving their SKs it is a reactive love to meeting them and getting to know them. What I meant in my post was that the 'OW' in the OP - or any OW or new partner for that matter - hardly sits there thinking - oh I wish he had kids so I could be there SM. But on the other hand if he happens to have children then many SMs do end up truly loving them. The OW in this OP may well end up loving the OPs children - but if she never met them she wouldnt miss them - thats what I meant by maybe in her ideal world it would be just her,DP and new baby.

Confused myself now - but I know what I'm trying to say

I understand your POV Suda.

Glad someone does - now explain it to me !

Sparkle, my rant was aimed at all the posters saying that the Ex was an equal parent and should be capable of having responsibility, when clearly he is a totally selfish cheating scumbag.

Sorry, thought it was pretty clear.

Also, as I said, I am showing sympathy with OP, and anger about how shit this all is.Seem to have left my stiff upper lip at home.

You really can't understand why a woman who is pregnant with her married boyfriends baby would feel ambivilant about having his original children around?

It's human emotion Captain.

Also, it's only Man Hating if you presume that all men are lying cheating dick-led morally vacant fuck weasles.
Which I categorically don't. Do you?

northernrock having been left 9 months pregnant by my EXH for his pregnant girlfriend whom I knew nothing about leaves me with no doubt as to where the OP's emotions are. But I have never had an issue with the children EXH had with his new partner. My anger was with him, because I was married to him not his new partner or children.

Regardless of the EXH's actions he IS still an equal parent. Your view is very clear as you said but I don't share it in any way at all. He can choose to romp in a different bed every night but it does not mean he cannot look after his children. If we examine adult behaviour then the OP's behaviour would have to be be called into question equally and who would agree with bringing up children with bitterness and anger through them? His children know nothing of his bedroom antics and certainly should not but they will learn of their mum's hatred of the situation if she exposes them to her emotions. Harsh but true.

It's common sense Captain.

I certainly don't think men are all lying, cheating, dick-led, morally vacant, fuck weasles.

Jolly Good.

I am not for one minute suggesting that the OP have a problem with an innicent baby, btw, merely that she wait for the pieces to fall where they may.

OP does not need to express how she feels to her kids, not saying that.

The thing is (making NO implications re any individual poster) sometimes people get dumped because they are crap partners, lazy, selfish, whiny or abusive. But whether or not you contributed to being dumped, you're still dumped and you have to get over it. Hanging on to spite and bitterness and trying to cause as much trouble as possible for everyone else does you no good and in fact does you a lot of harm - the more angry and spiteful your behaviour, the more other people will think 'no wonder you got dumped' and withdraw from helping you.
Yes, you need some space to vent (though sometimes prolonged venting actually makes things worse when it becomes wallowing) but find a space to do that which doesn't involve your DC or mutual friends. It will pass and you will move on, unless you are determined not to.

I think if my husband had left me at nine months pregnant for his pregnant GF I actually would think that men were lying cheating, dick-led, morally vacant fuck weasles.

yes Sparkling I agree - people do have every sympathy in general at first but I think everybody has a saturation point and start crossing the road if someone plays the self righteous victim for too long. In a bizarre way the better one appears to be coping and the more dignified - the more the sway of opinion goes in their favour really.

Sparkling-there is dumped "I don't want to be married to you anymore", and there is "Oh by the way, I am leaving you for FiFi.
Tell the kids they are going to have a new sibling!"

Northenrock- is this close to home? as you seem to be taking it personally

No! Look, go back and read my posts-what I actually have said.
I have NOT said that the OP should run around being bitter and turning her kids against their dad.
I have NOT suggested that she never get over this.
I have NOT said that she should hold any of this mess against the Ex's new baby.

It's just my reaction to some of the posts on here that got me riled because of the "well lets be reasonable" tone of them.

This situation is not an act of God, it has come about because of the total selfishness of ExH and OW, and yet the OP is expected to immediately get over it and be the grown up sensible one, making life easier for ExH.

I am sorry but imo Ex H has shown himself to be untrustworthy and stupid. None of us are saints, but what he and OW have done is spectacularly shit.

If this happens to someone they are allowed to be upset, they are entitled to worry about their kids meeting this stranger, they are NOT wallowing and being a self righteous victim if they feel angry and bitter for a while.

Remember , all of this happened really quickly, and is very recent.

Thats all.

THing is, there is a great deal of strength that can be gained by 'being the better person' - the old fake-it-till-you-make-it routine. Being calm, dignified and as reasonable as possible gets you more support from other people and, should your XP suddenly start really acting up, you are in a much better position to contest this than if you have previously been vindictive about things like contact.

People are expecting the OP to be the sensible one to make things as easy as possible for the children. I don't think anyone cares less about her exH.

Divorces do not mess children up, how their parents behave can.

Sparkle, I have said twice already that OP should be cool and businesslike.

I am not talking about being vindictive about contact, merely that OP should take things at her own pace, where she is comfortable, and not be dictated to by someone who has forfeited his right to an opinion.

I mean Sparkling, similar name, sorry.

And if this had happened to me I would be posting this from Holloway prison and my Ex would still be looking for is missing knackers.

"Actually, Bonsoir, from the tone of your posts, you think the father should just do whatever the hell he pleases with regards to having his girlfriend round him, no discussion with his wife necessary at all."

Expat - please re-read my posts. I think nothing of the sort. I am just trying to point out the legal position of the mother here, which runs contrary to the advice given by many posters.