For not wanting my husbands pregnant girlfriend to meet our children yet?

[armywife1]

My husband left me on 31 May this year telling me he needed time to consider our future together. On 27 June he told me our marriage was over and on 2 July concieved a baby with a woman with whom he claimed he slept with for the first time. Needless to say we are now going through a divorce. However my husband is pushing hard for our children to meet his new woman, before the child is born in March. Our children are 4 and 2 and we will be moving house on 31 March next year. Am I being unreasonable requesting that he waits until the children are settled in their new home, school and nursery before they meet his new partner and their child? I feel bullied by a man and his new partner who clearly feels she needs to meet his children. In less than 6 months my children have had to accept that their father has left home and now he wants them to meet his partner and get excited about a new half sibbling.

' I don't see why they need to get to know her or her child at this stage. Whats to say he wont leave her?'

I don't see that it is in the least relevant-the new baby will be a half sibling and important in their lives-they may well be very alike-they all have half their genes from the father.
I think that he has behaved abominably but he is the father and equal parent. All argument has to be kept away from them and hopefully parents will not be able to use DCs as pawns in their arguments. The parents are the adults-adults deal with heartbreak and they keep it firmly away from the DCs and they do what is best for the emotional health of the DCs, which is give them 2 parents who love them, however much they hate each other.

Sakura - "Your ex H has behaved appallingly (getting another woman pregnant while he's still married, for example)
But because you are a forgiving person, you could allow him to see his children

Your children have nothing whatsoever to do with this new woman."

Legally, the OP cannot prevent her exH from seeing his DCs nor from introducing his DCs to his new GF and the future mother of his DC. The OP does not have more parental responsibility than her DCs' father and she is not in a position to "allow" him anything.

And a good thing too Bonsoir-no parent should have that sort of power- they certainly shouldn't be 'allowing' anything. They discuss it and come to an arrangement.

Separated/divorced parents are under no obligation whatsoever to discuss what they do with their DCs when they are in their care - the only thing that in theory they need permission for is to take their DCs out of their normal jurisdiction (but this is not tightly controlled), and of course they must behave within the normal frame of the law.

I quite understand how appalling that sounds to the OP - basically her H is allowed to waltz off with another woman and set home with her and take his DCs for up to half the time, if he so wishes, and do whatsoever he likes with them.

I think all parents would do well to realise this before having DC!

You also have to bear in mind that the DCs have half the father's make up and so if you are anti the father you are anti part of them. Emotions are very complicated and parents should think hard before they divide the loyalties of their DCs. It is all a mess but not of the DCs making and they shouldn't be dragged into it now.

I agree with what Jonesy said - about young children and water off a ducks back - they are like little sponges at that age and just soak anything up - and its just 'normal' to them. But I do think you are right and entitled to meet the woman before you entrust her close contact with your DCs. Especially as your faith in your husbands judgement of whats best for his children must have had a severe shaking.

"But I do think you are right and entitled to meet the woman before you entrust her close contact with your DCs."

I repeat: however much mothers might like this to be the case, they have no such entitlement where the fathers of their DCs have parental responsibility.

OP - havent read all the posts.

Firstly what an utterly shitty situation for you and your DC's. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Your husband is an utter shit to put his family through this and I cannot begin to imagine how I would feel in your shoes. You know your DC's and in your heart you know what the right thing for them is. If the right thing is giving them more time - then do that.

Having said that, I dont think you can stop your husband from introducing your DC's to his girlfriend. If he really wants to, surely he can can't he?

I would also think that your 4 year old will be incredibly upset to turn up in 6 months time and see daddy with a new baby. I think your 4yo certainly needs time to get used to the idea of a new baby and meet the girlfriend before the baby is taking all her time and attention.

Can there be a compromise? Can the 4 year old initially meet her? Your 2 YO won't really get it yet. On a final note, I would meet her first. There is no way I would be happy for my DC's to meet her if I hadnt.

So sorry once again OP, this situation is rubbish. to you.

I think I would tell them to piss off and not take the children to see him until I was presented with a court order forcing me to do so.
Why the hell should you be reasonable. In my experience it gets you nowhere.
Don't slag him off in front of the children but you don't have to play happy families with him and his tart either.

He can see them at your house of course, you are not stopping him from seeing his children. But on your terms.

I have walked in vaguely similar shoes to the OP.

Split with exp after discovering his affair with much younger work colleague. DS was 2.5. Within weeks he had bought a small flat and she was there every time DS visited.

It was agony and for a while I felt almost suicidal

11 years on, they're married with 2 DCs. I tolerate her and am outwardly pleasant, whilst having the odd snipe to my dsis.

She has always been good with my DS and I accept that really it is the only thing that truly matters.

It is hard to be the bigger person when you are in so much emotional pain, but in hindsight, I'm glad I did.

DS is secure with his two families and that's all I ever wanted for him.

I guess what I'm saying is, try to put your emotions aside in dealing with this for now. Keeping them to the fore will benefit no-one.

Take care.

YANBU

The speed he expects you to accept him leaving and moving on and impregnating your replacement is breathtaking!!! he sounds a wanker.

Depressing to see so many people on here using the husbands actions (which I entirely agree were crap) as a reason for him not to see the children.

'Not take the children to see him until I was presented with a court order'? Jesus wept. The children love their Dad and have a right to see him. He has been a pillock, but he's still their Dad, they are still half a product of him. He left their Mum, thats desperately sad for her, and also for them as by definition it also meant leaving them. Not letting them see him will make it even worse for them though. Thats not 'PC', thats fact.

Sakura

"it does not suprise me that our patriarchal judicial system has decided that a man who pulls this shit has the same "rights" as the mother (and let's be honest here, it's always the mother left behind )"

Funny you should say that. DH's ex wife left him for another man. It broke his heart several times over and he was so concerned that the kids be as OK as possible that he walked away with nothing but a pile of debt from their marriage. He gave her the house, paid for double glazing and heating to be put in, paid off all her personal debt and still helped her out every time she came running to him for cash, despite the fact that he was well aware that she was still seeing this other man.

No-one ever considerd to ask him if the DC should meet the new man. The ex just introduced him to the DC, despite him being married and despite them having to 'be quiet when he is on the phone, it might be his wife calling'. 11 years on, she is still with him, he is still married and the DC still have to be quiet if he is on the phone to his wife.

To say only men behave like this is wrong.

I can't believe the selfish attitude of mamatomany-how can you possible put your DCs through that?!
You can't do things on your terms-why should you? However he has behaved he is equally the parent and you find the best solution for your DCs. How you feel, sadly, if you really love your DCs and want what is best for them, has nothing to do with it.
I am glad that things are changing so that people with attitudes like mamatomany will be forced to mediate and not allowed to wait for court orders. My mind boggles at the cruelty to the DC.

The mother withholding/controlling contact with the DCs' father would be a way of trying to punish him for leaving her. Using DCs in that way is widely recognised as being one of the main ways DCs suffer during divorce - hence it is not allowed in any reasonable, developed jurisdiction.

To be honest, when women have such attitudes as some on this thread do and think they have a right to restrict a father's access to their DC for something thst has happened in their marriage and is nothing to do with the DC, and how vindictive they sound, it's not suprising a lot of fathers find it hard to maintain contact and that children suffer because of it.

Well said midori, you have done a fantastic thing for your children.

Although slightly differently, my DH left his wife (long before we met, just in case anyones wearing their judgy pants), she gave him the dogs lickings of access. Part of every other weekend if she wasnt doing something with them. That was it. If he asked for more, she would make it even harder. Many years on, she is still alone, very unhappy and has without doubt seriously affected the relationship one of their DSs has with his dad. And thats a tragedy.

And just in case you're thinking it, I'm not the smug new wife - I left my DH when he broke my arm and burned our house down. Whilst what he did was desperately wrong, he is still the father of his daughter. She chose not to see him, but I would support her in whatever choice she made however hard it would be for me.

I find some of the attitudes so upsetting I think that I will stop reading. It is so vindictive to get at the ex through the DCs.
I don't know how anyone can put themselves first and DCs second.

OK - there is a lot of emotion flying around this thread (naturally enough) but The OP does need concrete help as well.

1. Try Relate - you can go on your own to help you start to sort out your feelings. They do also sometimes see children or can advise you who to take the children to. They were wonderful when we had issues with my SS and were prepared to see us individually. They also told us when they thought they could not help him and told us what we could do next. I'n not sure how much help it will be to a 2yo but if you think it will help worth a try.
2. See your GP - they may also be able to tell you if there is a youth mental health team in the area and refer you on.
3. Meeting the OW. This is very difficult as you may feel like telling her a 'few home truths' - which will only make you look like a bitter, twisted exw from OW point of view. I would not meet her unless you are totally sure you can control your temper and tongue. I did not meet DH's ExW before meeting the SSs as she threatened to harm me physically on numerous occasions. After 13 years I would still be cautious about meeting her.
4. DC's meeting OW. I did not meet them until we had been together 6 months (fair enough as we were told at the time this was the maximum delay that ExW could impose). This gave us time to build up a relationship and talk about how we would handle having the kids together.
5. However, once the 6 months were up we found that times and dates were constantly changed and sometimes ExW would just not show up to meet DH when he was meant to have them. She once locked them in the house screaming to be let out to see their father. Please, do not do this sort of thing however much you feel he / she deserves it. It really hurts the kids

6 Finally - plesae do not talk to the kids in a derogatory way about their father or whoever he is with. Even down to 'Oh you don't really want to see them this weekend do you' type of comments. SS's had this a lot (because they told us and a lot more has come out since they have grown up). It really hurts and confuses them.

I really wish you luck. But please think before you speak to either of them. He may deserve your approbation, but you may end up harming yourself more by hanging onto the resentment and hatred longer than is good for you.

I agree pisces and midori. Some of the posts show a very vindicative and harmful attitude. I'm not surprised in the least, as I see this on a daily basis with DH's ex and the controls she exerts over access and the children. However it is interesting that in many other threads, most posters will deny that women ever use their children in this way and that it's virtually unheard of

Yes Bonsoir I do agree theres no legal entitlement really is there - I just feel that the OP is meant to be all reasonable and accepting and her DH ( D is not for Dear there ) and new G/F are not giving her any consideration. I dont know - maybe they think OP may let rip at G/F if they meet etc - which while understandable - certainly wouldnt 'have' to be tolerated.

Op, women like you give the rest of us a bad name, you should not be using your children as weapons, however much you say it's in their interest. (which it isn't, and I think you know that)

Listen to WkdSM-sensible-practical advice. Those of you who are using DCs as weapons should use this thread to think very carefully about your behaviour and start, from today, to put your DCs first and cope, privately, with your own grief. It is just like a bereavement for you -be kind to yourself-it will take time- but leave your DCs out of it.

My reasoning is having been the child in the middle and being expected to deal with all the crap that comes with divorce at the age of 4. It's so wrong to expect the child to meet this woman and then her baby so early on.
The parents should be trying to keep everything between themselves not involving third parties.
I've been there and gave my mother hell for introducing the new boyfriend to the point we have 0 relationship now. And actually the step father as he became is the nicest member of my family but he should have been introduced very slowly and after the dust settled.