For not wanting my husbands pregnant girlfriend to meet our children yet?

[armywife1]

My husband left me on 31 May this year telling me he needed time to consider our future together. On 27 June he told me our marriage was over and on 2 July concieved a baby with a woman with whom he claimed he slept with for the first time. Needless to say we are now going through a divorce. However my husband is pushing hard for our children to meet his new woman, before the child is born in March. Our children are 4 and 2 and we will be moving house on 31 March next year. Am I being unreasonable requesting that he waits until the children are settled in their new home, school and nursery before they meet his new partner and their child? I feel bullied by a man and his new partner who clearly feels she needs to meet his children. In less than 6 months my children have had to accept that their father has left home and now he wants them to meet his partner and get excited about a new half sibbling.

'Sparkle, my rant was aimed at all the posters saying that the Ex was an equal parent and should be capable of having responsibility, when clearly he is a totally selfish cheating scumbag.

So you want your DCs to think that half their makeup comes from a 'selfish cheating scumbag'? I wouldn't want mine to think of themselves in that way.

Of course you are allowed to be upset, bitter and angry -but you are not entitled to let your DCs know. You have to be reasonable. When they are adults, if not before, they will judge and if it was me I would want them to think that I had been hard done by, but dealt with it reasonably and sheltered them- not that I was bitter and twisted and had used them as weapons to get back at him or hated part of their makeup.

OP, what an awful time you've been having - sorry to hear it. Is there someone who knows you and your 'husband' who could act as a good go-between if it's difficult for you to face? Or can you be OK with discussing things with him, just the two of you? It seem to me disappearing partners often want to rush the children from the original families into these things because they want to justify and normalise their new situation - the more underhand and immoral their actions have been, the more they want to bury that aspect of it by rapidly and publicly playing happy families.
Don't forget that, whatever the external appearances are, it certainly isn't roses round the door indoors at their place - the fact that she refuses to meet you demonstrates that perfectly. I'd be surprised if this new relationship lasts the distance. Anyway, I only say this because it may give you some comfort - whatever his issues about being committed to one partner, they'll just be following him to this new situation. These stories never end here, they just evolve. Just feel sorry for the new baby!! What a mess.

My suggestion is to phase this all in. Keep life as calm and stable as you can for your two. And not just for your two little ones, but for you too. Insist that he makes some time with them between now and Christmas, just him and the two of them. Cement that relationship first to adapt to the changes. Maybe in the new year, agree to support their meeting the OW (wonder if the poor silly cow is reading this) before the baby's arrival. Then see how things are by then and make a new plan. So much can change about all this, including your feelings. Don't worry about looking too far ahead.

Many people on here are right - you can't stop him doing what he likes while he's got his time with them. However, if he any common sense left at all, he'll see that it's far better that he proceeds with a plan that's agreed with you. So much easier for your little ones too. And, don't forget, it's highly unlikely either of them will remember anything of this weird time. You're not responsible for these changes in their lives! Nurture yourself!! And allow others around you to do that, too.

I read a little while ago that a major issue for children whose parents have divorced is lack of self esteem.

They did not put this down to the parents being apart - but stated that the children with the most issues were the ones whose parents had talked ina derogatory way about the other parent. Apparently children (whatever age) recognise that if (for example) Daddy is a lying snot bag weasel who deserves to have his knackers cut off, half of childs genes come from Daddy and therefore child feels like a lying snot bag weasel and feels worthless. Then starts playing up for attention.

Just something to think about.

"It seem to me disappearing partners often want to rush the children from the original families into these things because they want to justify and normalise their new situation - the more underhand and immoral their actions have been, the more they want to bury that aspect of it by rapidly and publicly playing happy families. "

Yes, exactly.

I actually agree with everything you say matilda.
Looking after herself and dealing with this in er own time-frame will actually help OP to handle it.
And that has nothing whatsoever with "using the children" as weapons or pawns, or anything else.
Self preservation for the mother in this situation is actually key.

Also, exactly who is advocating that OP call her Ex names in front of her kids??!!

I have not seen a single post that advises that.

Totally agree with NorthernRock and Matilda here. I'm afraid I'm sitting here wondering how many of the posters urging the OP to be 'reasonable' and - as someone else put it seemingly make things easier for her ex OH -identify more with the other woman in this situation.

We're talking about a very few months that all of this complete turmoil in the OP's life happened - not a couple of years out.

A saint might have the strength to respond with the presence of mind like some of the posters on here suggest you should - within the couple of months that has passed. But don't feel guily if you can't.

People do talk about the ex in derogatory terms and don't seem to realise that they are actually talking about their DCs as they have, as WkdSM says,half his genes. DCs get a lot from body language too.
Saying it won't last isn't terribly helpful as the half sibling will last for life.

Well, of course, legally, he has no obligation, Bonsoir, but it would be courteous and adult of him to be the bigger person and try to see it from his wife's side.

I think she's getting really roughly treated in this thread, tbh.

It's only bee a few months since her world was turned upside down.

Harriet I don't agree that people are advising the OP to make things easy for her ex at all. The way I've read it is that people are advising the OP to endeavour to put her feelings of resentment etc. to one side for the sake of her child who has a right to see her father, and used to the idea of sibling early, for her own good (whilst referring to his legal right to introduce the child to anyone he likes during his time with her)

Camilla P-B anywhere on this thread? Busy today I guess.

and I am saying it is phenomenal how few people on this thread seem to appreciate what a 'big ask' that is from her OH.

I don't think that anyone is denying that OP has a rough deal, will be very upset and her ex has behaved/is behaving in a dreadful way and she has all my sympathy. However all she can do, in the best interests of the DCs,is put it aside and make it work for the emotional health of her DCs. Adults can deal with heartbreak-DCs shouldn't have to. Cry in private and smile in public.

Piscesmoon, I am sorry but I think that is a load of hairy twaddle.

I knew for a fact from a pretty young age that my dad was, shall we say, not the greatest husband (or father).
Not because my mum slagged him-she didn't much, but because the evidence was right there in front of me.
If she had called him a cheating twat to my face I couldn't have realistically argued.

He and I always had pretty good relationship nevertheless,even while I maintained a totally unidealised view of him.

None of this ever felt like it had anything to do with me, and I formed my opinion of my dad very early on on my own, as did my numerous siblings..

Kids are far far smarter than you seem to be giving them credit for.

Refering to 14.55 Picses-cross posted.

Hi there, in no way have posters said she should play mind games with the kids ! Noone has said that. I feel a few of you seem to be on an obssessive rant and a crusade - we are not against men . Please do not side with this man over this. It doesn't matter wether it is a man or woman in this. Its about in this situation its his fault fullstop! If a woman had acted in this way then I am sure she would get the same sentiments . We should be suPporting the poster eg armygirl. He didn't think about the kids when he was out all the time having an affair and armywife had to stay in and see to the children. He's not doing his fatherly duties then is he? So in my book that isn't wht you would class as a good dad and for me kids look up to their parents as a role model. What he's done isn't exactly a role model is it?

While I don't agree to undermine dad in front of kids etc that would be wrong , I still think things should be slow for the children. Introducing woman now wouldn't be in the best interests of the children.. Rushing things will lead to emotional damage for children. I have seen this happen. Taking things very slowly is best option. And I agree with one of posters who said the person who did the cheatiing often tries to lessen their guilt by rushing things and trying to make it happy families but that isn't best for the kids and the whole situation. It woulD be wht is best for the. Cheater. And this is what is best for thje kids after all!

From a none manhater haha :)

Also I don't think in such a short space of time she should be told to just get over it. I hope some of you never get this treatment.

Also many of you who seem to be defendinG him have probably done the same as what he has done! Have you had affairs and see this post as a way of defending your own guilt ? Sad thing is we r talking about armywifes life not about your own situations or maybe you haven't been in this situation but Show some compassion for her not defend this idiot! If your friend came to you now I gurantee you wouldn't be showing sympathy for him. How could you look a friend in the eye? You would show all your support for her!

Yanbu

I'd want to meet her first before I let my children meet her. I think under the circumstances next year gives (all of you) time to adjust to this horrible situation.

My half siblings were just that, I never thought of them as I did my real siblings. I don't know why I'm adding that, but so much has been said about the new 'brother or sister'.

Sorry by the way, it must be awful to have to come to terms with.

Rachyandmeg - I really don't see where anyone has defended him. We must be reading different threads

I loved the comment earlier on: DCs always LOVE new DCs.

Yeah, right, especially when their father no longer lives with them but this new baby. Seriously what planet are some of you people on.

Once, after coming home from the zoo with exH, before we went through the mediation, the first words out of DD4's mouth were 'Daddy's friend met us at the zoo' -- not a word about the animals, even though she adores the monkeys there and lives for the chance to see them. She was 6 at the time.

I managed to stop exH from introducing the OW as the love of his life to the DCs, from having her overnight at his place while the DCs were there, and from double dating with the DCs and the OW during visitation weekends (e.g., if the exH and the DCs were going to the zoo, then the GF would not tag along.)

ExH protested that he was entitled to have all the people he loved around him whenever he felt like it, but the mediator we had working with us told him it was in the best interests of the DCs and his relationship with them to take introduction of the GF very slowly. He had to accept my demands.

They have been to a few dinners at her place (exH and the OW don't live together; exH is actually more interested in men than women but OW probably doesn't suspect this) and despite the wide age range of all the DCs, they all know the truth about 'Daddy's Friend' and think very poorly of them both. They are especially at the fact that exH sometimes drags them to attend the church she goes to. They are also subjected to exMIL's rhapsodies on the niceness of the GF and her DS, who is a bit older than DD1 whenever they visit exMIL.

ExH has accused them of being rude to both his mother and to the GF. . For this I read, 'Your clear understanding of right and wrong here reminds me that I am a shit. I cannot accept that about myself, so I will accuse you of rudeness.' ExH threatened DD1 with contempt of court proceedings after their last encounter. She is a 20 year old university student and he screamed at her to get herself a lawyer.

I have never spoken to the GF, and won't until there is a ring on her finger, but that is not likely to happen.

while the OP is obviously upset and raw about this I think if the father of her kids is having another child they should be involved in this as much as possible. Surely it will be a worse shock/upheval to meet Daddy's new partner AND his other child in a few months rather than get used to the idea now.

While I don't think the new gf should be MADE to meet the OP I think if she is serious about being part of the family she should. It is in her interests if she wants her own child to have contact with its siblings to try to get on with their mother.

I was seeing a guy for a while who had a five year old DD. I fell in love with her without ever meeting her, just from hearing the way my fella talked about her and overhearing her on the phone to him. I was desperate to meet her. We were at the stage where he had asked me to move in with him and I wouldn't until I knew she was alright with me - he had never even mentioned me. I said he had to speak to his ex (of four years) first as she would be rightly upset to know he had introduced a new partner to her child without knowing anything about it. He put it off and put it off, saying he didn't want to upset her or there was always some other family thing that was getting in the way, although I would've have met her if she wanted. Eventually he said I could meet her but that his ex didn't know. I didn't want to start off with any bad feeling if I was to be included as part of the family so I declined. It broke my heart and in the end I never moved in and split with him because I felt I would never be included. I since met her briefly after bumping into them in the shops and it broke my heart all over again because I truly loved her and wanted nothing more than to be part of their lives. I have Christmas and birthday presents I bought her but never got to give her as the date for us meeting was constantly pushed back beyond these landmarks. I'm still hurt that not wanting to upset the ex by mentioning me was more important than keeping me in his life. I never pushed it because I never wanted to hurt her - no matter what my feelings it was up to her dad to make decisions on her behalf and he did them, however misguidedly, in what he believed to be her best interests.

No matter how hurt the OP is by her selfish, lying husband, that is not for the children to be brought into. If he is to have a child with this new woman then they are part of the kids' family and they should get to know her. I don't want to defend him because he is obviously a scumbag, but at least he is trying to maintain a relationship with his children and has spoken to OP first before just introducing the new gf. The timing is terrible, but this is now the situation that the family is in and how it is handled will have a great impact on the children.

You can't possibly have loved her fyc84, having never met or spoken to her Nonsense.

'Kids are far far smarter than you seem to be giving them credit for.'

Exactly-so you let them form their own opinions and you keep yours well out of it.

In a nutshell, pisces.