For not wanting my husbands pregnant girlfriend to meet our children yet?

[armywife1]

My husband left me on 31 May this year telling me he needed time to consider our future together. On 27 June he told me our marriage was over and on 2 July concieved a baby with a woman with whom he claimed he slept with for the first time. Needless to say we are now going through a divorce. However my husband is pushing hard for our children to meet his new woman, before the child is born in March. Our children are 4 and 2 and we will be moving house on 31 March next year. Am I being unreasonable requesting that he waits until the children are settled in their new home, school and nursery before they meet his new partner and their child? I feel bullied by a man and his new partner who clearly feels she needs to meet his children. In less than 6 months my children have had to accept that their father has left home and now he wants them to meet his partner and get excited about a new half sibbling.

I can remember meeting my Stepmother age 4. I never really gaveit any thought at all. She was just a person I was meeting. As it happens, she turned out to be a totally evil cow, but I didn't know that at the first meeting and it wouldn't have made any difference if I'd met her sooner or later. Pretty mucht he same applies to my Stepdad, just another person I met at that age.

I think people are putting adult perspective on children, or letting their own experiences cloud their view. Children just don't have hang ups about this kind of thing unless it is put upon them by parents.

I wouldn't bother worrying about the interaction between your children and this woman. I predict their relationship will be over before their baby is a year old.

I can only speak from my experience which is more than many others can do, but I've also seen first hand good mothers protect their children from their fathers casual relationships and quite bloody right too.
My friend S always says to her ex, imagine the shoe is on the other foot, how would he feel if she was introducing Mr X Y and Z. It doesn't hurt to wait at all.

'I repeat: however much mothers might like this to be the case, they have no such entitlement where the fathers of their DCs have parental responsibility.'

That's true, Bonsoir, but, it would have been the considerate, mature, decent thing for the father to have also considered his wife's feelings (seeing as they are not yet divorced), maybe put the shoe on the other foot, and been more adult about it all by setting up a meeting with her and the girlfriend to discuss things.

But of course, like all cheating scumbags, we can't expect him to be an adult about things.

This whole 'you have to act in the childrens' best interest' works both ways. Both parents are responsible for this. Part of that would have been if this father had been more adult about the split and access, to allay the other parents' valid concerns and feelings.

But again, we can't expect that of this selfish twunt, so the OP has to suck it up.

Actually, I don't necessarily agree, expat. I think it is very important for DCs of separated/divorced parents to see and know that their two parents discuss things to do with their joint responsibility of bringing up children without the involvement of stepparents.

Why do children need protecting from their fathers relationships, casual or not? They are not meeting a new Mummy, they are meeting a friend of their fathers. Very young children don't understand the dynamics of adult realtionships and friendships come and go. I wonder if people would feel the same if the father wanted to spend the day with his DC and a male friend?

The trouble is though mama - although I agree with everything you say on one level - is this. If we are to presume that this new relationship is going to be long term then the unborn child certainly (hopefully) will be in this world long term as the DCs sibling - whether anyone likes it or not. Again on that presumption or good possibility we have to presume the new G/F will be a S/mother to the DCs in some way shape or form.

So is it not well documented - both on here and by the experts - that the younger the child the easier it is for a) the S/parent to bond with them and b) the DCs to bond with their new sibling(s).

Thats surely got to be better than the S/mother appearing on here in years to come saying how much she resents/dislikes her s/children etc etc and she cant bond with them or they arent interested in their half sibling etc etc or the DH or STBEXW - ranting about access wars and the children still being used as pawns.

Whats to be gained from putting off the inevitable ? But on the other hand precious bonding time could be wasted for a better chance of a happy future for the most important people - the children involved.
I appreciate this is hard for the OP - but nothing is going to return her life to what it was - thats gone - the children - the true 'innocents' in a marriage break-up are still here and counting - with the one on the way. It has to be whats best for them now IMO.

Actually, Bonsoir, from the tone of your posts, you think the father should just do whatever the hell he pleases with regards to having his girlfriend round him, no discussion with his wife necessary at all.

'Why do children need protecting from their fathers relationships, casual or not? They are not meeting a new Mummy, they are meeting a friend of their fathers. '

In this particular instance, the woman is pregnant with their half-sibling.

And it's not a matter of protecting them. Sure they don't have hangups adults do, but I've known many people, now in their 40s, who were subjected to their parents' parade of boyfriends/girlfriends/flings.

Oddly, none of them seems to have very much respect for/a good relationship with such parents.

I can see now where you are coming from mamtomany, but I think that maybe the whole thing was just handled badly. If it is put in the right way a new half sibling is a positive event.
Suda has a sensible post. Even if this woman doesn't last long the DC will be there for life. Many people meet a half sibling for the first time as adults and regret the wasted years when they find so much in common. I would have thought that it better for any DC to meet a sibling as a new baby rather than wait until they are a toddler or older.
OP is never going to get back the life she had-and would she even want him back? She has to move on to the new life and do what is best for DCs- and that means having a father.

It is a mess, I'm quite angry on the OP's behalf, how dare they have a baby so soon after trashing these 2 little children's lives. The father certainly isn't acting in their best interests at all.
And as others have said i'll eat my hat if they are still together when this unborn miracle of first time sex starts school.

Of course the father isn't acting in their best interests so the mother has to and if she is calm and fair it should rub off. I don't see why it matters if he stays with the new woman-the half sibling is with them for life.

I am a stepmum and I met my husband several months after his EXW instigated divorce proceedings against DH. We met each other's children around 3 months after dating and then shortly after introduced both sets of children to each other.

We are both mature adults and decided upon a course of action that we felt best for all of our children. Naturally DH's EXW knew of me prior to meeting the children but she had no input whatsoever into the meeting itself. We are in control of our own lives and make decisions and choices based on the needs and welfare of our children and our relationship generally.

Nearly 6 years on I have a merely civil relationship with DH's EXW having only spoken with her maybe twice in the last two years. There have been times when DH has been working when his children have been at our home and nothing has ever happened that has required intervention from his EXW. If anything had happened in my care I would have rang DH as he is their father, my partner and just as capable as their mother of making decisions about their care.

When they are with us they are treated equally to the other children. We don't have special rules for visits or treat them any different. They love spending time with us as much as spending time with thier mum and as we have a totally different lifestyles it means they get twice the amount of life experiences and often talk to us about things they do with their mum. Equally they tell us things like "I told mummy when we went to such and such and she said ....".

The point being that because we have all kept our personal opinions to ourselves over recent years the children feel comfortable enough to discuss both homes with both parents. To me, that is a huge success for all of the children involved as it shows a good level of comfort and acceptance.

There was a time for a few months in the early years where EXW was slagging of DH in front of his eldest son which upset his eldest son. That situation prompted DH to ask her not to do it in front of the eldest child and her response was that she is angry with DH and therefore the eldest will hear her say things about him. All Dh could do was shrug his shoulders knowing that he cannot control what she does in her home but he had to address the issue for the well being of his son.

We are a step family but no less important and second families are certainly not "dirty" as inferred by an earlier poster. The emotion that is running through this thread is a huge indication as to why the courts are jammed with access applications. If people could detach themselves from a situation more successfully then the practicalities of access would suddenly become easier. Dealing with the emotional side of things should be done in private and if necessary with professional help.

I am also an EXW whose husband left her 9 months pregnant for another pregnant woman so I am not ignorant in your rage or hurt. But you have to be strong and separate out your emotions as a woman and wife from being a mum and putting your children's welfare first. Children are resilient little people and their "norm" is whatever you show them. You show them bitterness then your children will grow up with that over/in them. Show them love and understanding and they will grow up with that instead.

Their future is in your hands. Think carefully about how you mould it. So whilst I can understand your hurt I think YABU in not wishing your children to meet their dad's new partner soon.

Good luck.

If everyone took your mature attitude SparkleSoiree, there wouldn't be problems. It all seems to me to be about control and you can't control the other family so there is no point in trying. You also can't control your DCs feeling and thoughts so slagging off the other partner could backfire badly in the long term.

Mamatomany, how exactly has the op's husband 'trashed' his childrens lives? He has left his wife. He has acted like a complete twat where that is concerned and sadly leaving his wife means leaving his DC too. However, whether the DCs lives are trashed very much depends on how the adults involved deal with the situation from now on.

I feel so sorry for you. I would be getting out the OW Voodoo doll if I were in that situation, and to Hell with anyone who thought I was evil.

You did not create this situation, and yet you are expected to be the mature adult one and deal with it.

I would let the kids meet OW once before the baby, but not on their own. I can't believe what bollix I have read about "their father being the equal parent" and "he is capable of being responsible for them"

What??!!

He is not capable of putting a condom on his dick whilst having an affair, so I really wouldn't trust him to make the best decisions here.

No way would I EVER let my children spend time with someone I had not even met.

You need to meet her. Keep your cool when you do, for the childrens sake. Be business -like If you can, but you need to check her out.

Then let them meet the half sibling later, and play it somewhat by ear. After all, by then they might have split up again, who knows.

I agree with mathanxiety(way back there..)
This OW will not really want your kids around anyway, she will be too busy with the new baby and trying to put her stamp on your total arsehole of an ex husband.

Try not to panic, try and do all of this without the intervention of Family Court, for the sake of your kids, but don't be rushed and don't be bullied.

You will feel better, and it will get sorted out, it will just take time, and at some point you will meet someone deserving of a loving wife and family.

Walking out on your children and immediately getting another woman pregnant counts as "trashing their lives"

No good parent would behave like that.

Demanding that the OP act as though it is perfectly reasonable parenting to abandon your family and start another one is stupid.

This man has shown himself a bad parent and must be treated as such from now on

Nobody who put their children first would behave as he has done.

I disagree he has trashed their lives, how much it will affect them is in the hands of the adults involved but he certainly hasn't given them the start they should have and deserve in life.
He has behaved appallingly and his wishes should come bottom of any list from now onwards. It doesn't work like that I appreciate.

Actually OP someone just brought up an interesting point - in a way if you dont let your DCs meet this woman - then you are playing into her hands in a way - she may play the part of supporting their Dad in his quest for access to them - but maybe in her ideal world she would prefer it if it were just her your DH and their new baby. Dont let her push your DCs out of their fathers life in favour of her own - is another way of looking at it which might sit easier with you - when deciding ?

'This OW will not really want your kids around anyway'

Woah, you know that for a fact do you? I fr example love my stepsons and very much want them around. Cant imagine I'm the only one....

I cannot believe how much people on here discuss men like they are children. Yes they make mistakes, as we do (women get pregnant too due to lack of thought) but the man-hating, parental reprimanding that takes place on here makes me wonder why some of these marriages are failing in the first place.

Because a man leaves his wife or vice versa does not mean they stop loving or being a parent to thbeir children and the law prevents that happening so why do women tend to make it all victimise themselves and start screaming "wanker" from the rooftops?

It is a huge loss when your marriage ends but you have to set yourself a time to deal with it and make a point to move on with your life. The marriage is not all about the women, it is a partnership and if one person leave/strays then it is a hurtful situation to one partner but it shows a fundamental flaw in the relationship in the first place. And I am not talking about sex in any way whatsoever. It is sad but you have to come to terms with the fact it has ended and start making plans on how to move forward with your life in a positive way.

People name-calling your EX on here are just inflaming your feelings/situation even more and it is not helpful in any way at all.

Follyfoot - I can honestly say I love my stepsons very much and look out for them as much as my own.

Phew, not just me then Sparkle

Some of the man-bashing on here is really sad. There are people around who still dont speak to my DH because he left his ExW years ago. Others who knew them both at the time say they dont know how he stayed as long as he did.

Just because a man (or woman) leaves shouldnt mean they are the spawn of the devil and incapable of being a really good parent.

Whoah!
He didn't just "leave his wife". He had an affair and knocked up another woman, and to imply that OP had it coming in some way is just hateful.
His children were the absolute last thing on his mind.
And yep. I would be willing to bet my savings on the fact that OW won't want her kids around.

She has shown her character by her actions, as has he.
It's not man hating-it's arsehole hating actually.

I did not say that the OP "had it coming" again another example of making this ALL about the wife. I agree, having been through this exact situation myself as I said earlier, that it is a horrible situation to be in but you CANNOT sit around spending your life feeling spiteful and just wanting revenge as some of the actions suggest on here.

I am sure he was not thinking of his children the very moment he conceived his child with his partner but does that mean she should lead her life filled with bitterness just to show him that she does not approve? He has moved on to a new life and as much as that is horrible for the OP to swallow if she does not sort herself out then her life will be a lot more difficult emotionally.

And northernrock how you can talk for the OW is beyond me. Most stepmums I know love their stepchildren as I do - all it does is show ignorance to everyone involved in this situation. Ultimately all parties views are important in this situation because for you this may be an AIBU on a web forum but for the OP this is the rest of her life and she needs to find a way to live with this day in day out. I am fully accepting of the fact that whilst I don't have much to do with DH's EXW she is as much in this boat with me as I am with her and between us we make it work in whatever way we can because it is far from easy for any of us.

And it is man-hating because women never get the bashing on this forum that men get.

But I am sure many others like yourself will keep on giving her EXH the kicking they think he deserves because that is going to help the OP be happy in her life.