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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting my husbands pregnant girlfriend to meet our children yet?

288 replies

armywife1 · 15/11/2010 14:26

My husband left me on 31 May this year telling me he needed time to consider our future together. On 27 June he told me our marriage was over and on 2 July concieved a baby with a woman with whom he claimed he slept with for the first time. Needless to say we are now going through a divorce. However my husband is pushing hard for our children to meet his new woman, before the child is born in March. Our children are 4 and 2 and we will be moving house on 31 March next year. Am I being unreasonable requesting that he waits until the children are settled in their new home, school and nursery before they meet his new partner and their child? I feel bullied by a man and his new partner who clearly feels she needs to meet his children. In less than 6 months my children have had to accept that their father has left home and now he wants them to meet his partner and get excited about a new half sibbling.

OP posts:
RoxieP · 15/11/2010 15:36

A "fall" is just a turn of phrase - I don't think the OP meant it literally. But I agree with her - this woman would get her just desserts if he ran off and shacked up with another woman when her little lovechild was barely out of nappies - just like he did to the OP with her. And I don't think you have any right to comment on the OPs marriage when you know nothing about it. I think she needs support not criticism.

RoxieP · 15/11/2010 15:38

I'm sorry but am I missing something here? The OP never mentioned miscarriages once!

Original poster
armywife1 · 15/11/2010 15:39

I didn't mean miscarry. I mean fall from his favour. I'm devastated. I'm trying to protect my kids welfare whilst strugging with the break down of my marriage and all the humiliation and turmoil he has heaped upon us.

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 15/11/2010 15:40

Any sympathy for OP just vanished after last comment hoping the pregnant girlfriend has a nasty fall and gets what she deserves. OP, you are a nasty piece of work, NOBODY deserves that. Angry Angry

Janos · 15/11/2010 15:44

SGB - where did that come from?

OP (who is dealing with a very challenging set of circumstances, to say the least) uses an unfortunate turn of phrase and you extrapolate that to assume she is vindictive and bitter and thus destroyed her marriage?

Bloody hell.

Janos · 15/11/2010 15:47

armywife1 -

YANBU at all to feel that way about your exes new partner meeting your children, completely understand.

Are the two of you able to discuss how best to handle this together, or are you presented with a fait accompli and left to deal with it?

wannaBe · 15/11/2010 15:48

realistically you can't stop this from happening.

They are his children too and if he decides to introduce them to his new partner then he can do so without your consent.

So I would just get used to the idea.

Children are far more accepting than we give them credit for and tbh it's unlikely they will be traumatised by it at such a young age.

Janos · 15/11/2010 15:48

Cross posts much, CerealQueen?

OP says she didn't mean that.

Jesus, poor woman getting vilified for saying something she didn't even mean.

cerealqueen · 15/11/2010 15:48

The OP should be careful with her turn of phrase and read what she writes before she posts. A most unfortunate use of a turn of phrase I'd say, in this context.

Janos · 15/11/2010 15:52

Yeah CQ, sure.

OP you might get more helpful responses/advice if you post in the Relationships topic. Not an instruction but a suggestion btw.

RoxieP · 15/11/2010 15:52

I think people are looking for an excuse to overreact here OP. I am not surprised you are pissed off and you sound perfectly reasonable to me, and I'm sure most MNers would be equally as devastated if their husbands did that to them. I think maybe mumsnet is not the place to get the support you need. Is there anyone in RL who you can talk to? Or you're welcome to PM me if you like. x

jessiealbright · 15/11/2010 15:54

Actually, that unfortunate choice of phrase brings up another question.

Armywife and her children have been through a lot recently, and I think it's obvious things have to be approached carefully for the sake of the children. Suppose the new girlfriend did have a miscarriage, right after the children had got excited about a new baby? I feel incredibly nasty now, for diminishing another woman's potential grief to an inconvenience for the OP now...

blueberrysmoothie · 15/11/2010 15:56

Maybe she's a bit upset and flustered, cerealqueen. How about giving her a break? Lucky you if you have never spoken too quickly and used a word inappropriately or out of context.

OP, I'm sorry for your horrible situation, but like others wonder if for your children it might be easier if they meet her prior to the baby's arrival.

Amanderrr · 15/11/2010 15:58

OP - I know you didn't mean 'nasty fall' literally but don't pass the anger you feel towards your husband onto her.

She may have had no idea that you and he had only seperated four days before. Even if she did know he could well have said the marriage was over years before but he'd only just got up the courage to leave. We'll never know the truth of it but she had no loyalties to you, he did.

As for her getting pregnant so quickly... Perhaps she planned it as she wanted a baby or she thought getting pregnant would help her keep the wonderful man she'd just met or perhaps the birth control failed. Who knows? Pointless dwelling as it's done now and she's having the baby so it's the here and now that needs dealing with.

Have you got RL support?

Original poster
armywife1 · 15/11/2010 16:00

Thank you RoxieP. I've been hunting for a child psychologist for the last few weeks and have tried heaps or organisations including the NSPCC but haven't had any luck getting constructive advice yet. At the end of the day I'm really looking for some qualified to give guidance. I haven't used Mumsnet before but its been helpful getting other people's perspective. Thank you all.

OP posts:
InLoveWithDavidTennant · 15/11/2010 16:02

To be honest, I wouldnt want my children (I dont have any btw) meeting some stranger without me checking them out first. If she's refusing to meet you/see you or whatever then that in the end is just going to cause more issues in the future IMO!

It sounds like she's going to be quite hostile towards you which will do your DC no good. Imagine if she was like that in front of them, or she said something nasty!

expatinscotland · 15/11/2010 16:07

March is a ways off. It can wait.

He's a fucking wanker. My arse he just met her, sprogged her up and then decided to have a relationship with her.

expatinscotland · 15/11/2010 16:08

If she's refusing to meet you, I'd be going to court, tbh.

nocake · 15/11/2010 16:13

Going to court to do what, expat?

LtEveDallas · 15/11/2010 16:14

TBH I would feel the same - I would want to meet someone that was going to be spending time with my DD before they did. Or at the very least for them not to be alone with my DD right at the start.

I'm saying this as a Step Mum myself - I didnt meet DSD until I had been with her father for almost a year, and the next year was spent only seeing her at her grandmothers house (she was 4 when parents split up, I didnt meet her until she was 6).

In your case though I really do think it would be a good idea for your DC to meet her before the baby is born - I think meeting dads new girlfriend and by the way you have a new brother/sister would be too much.

Is there a 'neutral territory' that you could all meet?

usualsuspect · 15/11/2010 16:15

YANBU ..hes a first class dickhead ...why should you make his life all cosy and nice ,they couldn't give a toss about yours ..make him wait ...do what you think is right for your children

Nancy66 · 15/11/2010 16:15

Your ex is a 24 carat cunt - just be glad he's her problem now and not yours.

Let the meeting happen. Your kids will have a half sibling they will need to get to know. i know you must feel like shit but the kids need to see their dad and (alas) his new sperm-snatcher of a girlfriend

lucy101 · 15/11/2010 16:18

Hi - what a dreadful situation you are in - I actually think this is probably much worse for you than the children.

Do you think that you should be looking for a counsellor for yourself rather than the children so that you have the support to get through this and to help them?

It is such a lot for you to take in and manage in such a short space of time.

midori1999 · 15/11/2010 16:22

Regardless of what your ex has done, it is best for the DC if you can try and get on and make things as easy as possible for them. Providing the adults all act reasonably, I think children, especially young ones, can cope with divorce very well.

I agree with those who have said it is far better to meet her sooner rather than later and to get them a little involved with the baby plans, than to just let them meet their new brother/sister and 'stepmum' at the same time.

usualsuspect · 15/11/2010 16:25

Shes not their 'stepmum' ..shes their dads girlfriend