For not wanting my husbands pregnant girlfriend to meet our children yet?

[armywife1]

My husband left me on 31 May this year telling me he needed time to consider our future together. On 27 June he told me our marriage was over and on 2 July concieved a baby with a woman with whom he claimed he slept with for the first time. Needless to say we are now going through a divorce. However my husband is pushing hard for our children to meet his new woman, before the child is born in March. Our children are 4 and 2 and we will be moving house on 31 March next year. Am I being unreasonable requesting that he waits until the children are settled in their new home, school and nursery before they meet his new partner and their child? I feel bullied by a man and his new partner who clearly feels she needs to meet his children. In less than 6 months my children have had to accept that their father has left home and now he wants them to meet his partner and get excited about a new half sibbling.

As someone with real huge issues going through the court, I find posts like this frustrating.

the affair must be devastating, but now the marriage has broken up both you and your soon to be exh will move on. One day you too will have a new partner, I can't imagine you would be too impressed asking permission from your ex for a new partner to spend time with you dcs.

In the end children do cope with change and it would be better to meet the ow while she can focus on them and not when her attention is split by a new baby.

yabu, and the more cases courts see like this, it makes it harder for women with real concerns for the safety of their children to be believed.

It may not feel like it now, but trust me if your only concern over access is your children meeting the other woman you are very lucky indeed

OP you have had the 6 months from hell, and I'm so sorry. You sound wounded and angry and quite rightly so. He has treated you badly.

But I think you've got to try and act out of what will be best for your kids now, rather than out of your own pain. If they are having a new half brother or sister then this woman and the new child will be a part of their lives. I think it would be much kinder to allow them to get to know her before the baby comes, and before they have the upheaval of moving as well next year.

I don't for one second think that's an easy ask, and I'm sorry for all you've gone through.

You are not being unreasonable tell him your children will meet his dirty little 2nd family when you say not him

GiddyPickle - but that's the point: the father can roll up with a new girlfriend and expect his DCs to get on with it! The mother has no rights here. You understandably don't like it, but that's how it is.

There are no "rights" in this situation apart from your children's right to a loving relationship with their father. Your rewponsibility is to facilitate that, assuming they aren't in physical danger.

It sucks. I know. I'm going through it at the moment. Two differences - I know the other woman and my husband is respecting my wish to take things at the children's pace. Sadly for me, they know her too and like her and because they are small and don't understand the rights and wrongs of the situation they are keen to see her. So they are seeing her, in small doses and from time to time.

I would say that we did consult a counsellor who specialises in children - her advice was not to rush in to introduce a new person and to let them get used to the separation first, and also to take my feelings about it into account when deciding on timings. Not that I get a veto, but that in the long run it won't help the children if I am visibly bitter or unhappy about the relationship, because it will make it harder for them to have a good relationship with their father if they feel guilty about enjoying their time with him and her.

No good advice, really, just empathy. It is a horrible horrible situation to be in.

'GiddyPickle - but that's the point: the father can roll up with a new girlfriend and expect his DCs to get on with it!' Been there with my Dad - he expected much and got nothing.

longdarktunnel - I'm very interested to hear how you found the counsellor who specialises in children. I'm new to this site so don't know if I can contact you directly but if you could let me know how you found them I'd be very grateful. Thank you!

My ex got his new gf pregnant when dd was 10 days old, after leaving me when I told him I was pregnant, because he wasn't ready for children. It does hurt, OP, and I understand your anger.

I remember ex ringing me a few days after his new child was born demanding to see dd, despite hardly seeing her throughout his gf's pregnancy. He was so adament that dd needed to meet her new sister. She was 9 months old for goodness sake and had no idea who he was, never mind the new baby!

Anyway, the reason I am saying this is because I remember very well what it was like to be in your shoes. However... 5 years have passed since then, and with time and patience, we have all moved on. I am married now and have another child. Ex is married to his gf and they have another child together too. My dd loves all of her siblings so much, and loves spending time with them. The hurt has gone now that I felt about ex, and it's a huge relief.

I must admit, I don't like that they sign cards from her as Mummy, and dd says they always tell her to call the step mum Mummy, but dd doesn't want to.

I wouldn't worry about your dc meeting the new woman yet, there's plenty of time. But they should, of course, still be seeing their dad on a regular basis.

Good luck

First of all I would be wishing for more than a fall if my DH ran off with another woman. I understand where you are coming from in that you don't want to rock your childrens world too much but they should be seeing their father whenever he is home on leave. If he is shacked up with the new tart girl then they will meet her.

I think the best thing for you to is find some professional help and ask them how it should be handled. I would tell your ex that you are concerned about the effects of the recent changes on the children and that you would like all of you (gf included) to attend a session together. This isn't about you but about the children and this gf is going to be part of the picture for the near future at least. If you get professional help now they can help all of you minimize the damange.

YANBU to want your children settled first but unfortunately babies don't wait and I think from the childrens point of view I'd want to meet Dad's new girlfriend, then at a later date Dads new child. If they did it all at once would they feel pushed out?

How often do they see him? I presume as she is pregnant they are living together? Do the DC's stay over? surely it is only a matter of time before they see each other.

Expressing your anger at her is understandable - which is probably why she doesn't want to meet you, because she knows you're angry at her and she doesn't want to face it.

cupofteaplease - they ask her to do what? Bloody hell.... it's a wonder you haven't had them sliced up and put on toast. She has a Mummy - YOU.

'You are not being unreasonable tell him your children will meet his dirty little 2nd family when you say not him'

You are talking about the DCs half sibling!!!
You can't use the DCs as pawns in your argument. It is very hard, I don't think that anyone is denying it, but he is an equal parent and think how you would feel if he said the above about your new partner.It is unacceptable.

Its desperately hard when things end up like this. Its especially hard when its all happened so fast. All I can say talking from personal experience is to try to separate your emotions towards your ex from what your children will want and need from him in the future as a father.

If you can be really honest with yourself and make your decisions based on what deep down would make your children happiest, then that will guide you. Children as young as yours have a very loose sense of 'normal'. They could slowly be introduced to this other woman and get used to the idea they are going to have a brother/sister. They will accept that (however hard it is for you) and it will become their new normal. Hopefully they can go on to have a great relationship with their Dad and also with his new woman. I know that is probably really hard to read, because it would be perfectly normal to want them to hate her, but they will be happier in the longer term if they get along well with her.

All the best

My ex left when the children were about this age. I tried to make sure they saw him regularly at least weekly. At first when they were very little I or his mum went as well as ex couldn't cope with two little ones then they got used to seeing him by themselves. They didnt really care at that age tbh it was more important when they were older.
I wouldn't bother about them meeting the fancy woman unless he marries her. I don't see why they need to get to know her or her child at this stage. Whats to say he wont leave her?

Sorry to butt in and I haven't read the whole thread but the baby would have to be due right at the end of March surely, somewhere between 26th and 30th? If the dates given are true? What kind of woman has unprotected sex with someone she's only known for a four days, or even four weeks!? Unless of course she's in her late 30s and the biological clock is ticking? AND she is obviously SO concerned about the welfare of her sh*g buddy's DC that she doesn't give two hoots about opening any kind of channel of dialogue with their mother? Doesn't even want to meet her? She sounds a pretty selfish sort of creature to me. Maybe even the kind that would jump into bed with a married man with small DC without a second thought.

I believe the OP when she says her remark about "a fall" wasn't to be taken literally but, given her situation, I, for one, wouldn't jump to condemn her even if the thought DID cross her mind for a brief moment. I am totally surprised that anyone here would jump on the poor woman and react as though she were in a totally calm, 100% sane, sensible and rational state of mind. We think all sorts of mad things when in emotional turmoil, it doesn't mean that we ACTUALLY MEAN them or are EVIL people! I am reminded of a few lines from Noel Coward's "Brief Encounter" when one of the main characters is being harangued by a nosy acquaintance: "I wish you'd stop talking! I wish you'd stop prying and trying to find things out. I wish you were dead. No! That was silly and unkind... but I wish you'd stop talking!"

I'd be a bit wary tbh. If what has been claimed about the speed of the relationship is true, then it's still pretty early to be introducing the DC. There's no guarantee that it will be a long standing relationship, the pregnancy notwithstanding. However the relationship of your DC with the step-sibling will be, hopefully, for all their sakes so...
Not being very helpful am ? Sorry.

If you DO introduce them though, I feel it should be in a public place (neutral territory) WITH you and take someone along (close friend or family member) for moral support. You have my unconditional sympathy and your ex is a sh*t!

I'm not surprised his new girlfriend doesn't want to meet you because from the tone of your earlier posts in sounds like you would be extremely rude and nasty towards her.

However I think your children will have to meet her and I think in these circumstances sooner rather than later. Your children are very young and therefore they will take their lead from you and your ex. If you act calmly and let them know that everyting will be fine then they will be fine. If you cry and make a big scene and a big fuss then they will be anxious and upset. I am sure that calm and collected is the last thing you are really feeling but for your DCs sake you have to pretend in front of them!

Oh, and on the subject of the father's "rights" versus the OP's emotional well being: the children are, and, given their ages and his profession, likely to continue to be for the immediate future, domiciled with their mother. It is NOT going to help the DC one iota if the ex-H drives the OP even closer to the edge of reason than she already must be by insisting on terms that she, obviously and understandably in the circumstances, finds distressing. It is almost impossible for a miserable, depressed and distressed carer to raise happy, well-balanced children. All the time the OP is the primary carer, her emotional well being is inextricably linked to the DC's and therefore more important than the ex-H's. If he is in any way a reasonable man and REALLY cares about his DC he should see that and should be asking the OP how SHE would like to proceed with the first meeting and moving on and, unless she is totally unreasonable (refusing to let even him see them for example) he should be making sure the OW puts up and shuts up. Living with a mother in emotional meltdown is going to be far more damaging to the DC in the long run than a delay in meeting their father's girlfriend and even their half-sibling. And if the law doesn't see the sense in that, in the case of under 5s, then the law, sir, is an ass!

Oh darling. What a horrible thing to happen! I can't imagine how I'd feel. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had some good advice but I really don't. You can PM me anytime you'd like to vent though!

loubielou, It's all very well saying "pretend" in front of your DC but it's a tough call to be able to "pretend" 24/7 which is what you're asking her to do. Far easier for their father and the OW to "pretend" during access. We are talking about very young children and a father who, by his very profession, must be absent a good deal of the time. If the OP is really an army wife then she's going to lose more than just a H. She's going to lose her home, her circle of friends, her whole support network. She's had her whole world (apart from her DC) taken from under her feet and now it feels as though they are going to be taken too. "Just pretend for the sake of the children" is a going to be a bloody Everest to climb. Don't forget that the knobhead H has many reasons to be happy, new woman, new baby and, by the sounds of it, no regrets, "pretending" in front of the DC is going to be a walk in the park for him. He doesn't HAVE to "pretend" ffs!

Why should new woman want to meet you? THere is no need for you to ever meet and no need to get know each other. I'm sure your ex is a twat, though.

TLD,Ok, fast forward a couple of years, dad away on active service, possibly for a few months. These half-siblings just don't have any contact while dad isn't around? wtf?

OK, so the only contact needed then is for OP to drop off and pick up. Why the worry about anything more than that?