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Original poster

For not wanting my husbands pregnant girlfriend to meet our children yet?

288 replies

armywife1 · 15/11/2010 14:26

My husband left me on 31 May this year telling me he needed time to consider our future together. On 27 June he told me our marriage was over and on 2 July concieved a baby with a woman with whom he claimed he slept with for the first time. Needless to say we are now going through a divorce. However my husband is pushing hard for our children to meet his new woman, before the child is born in March. Our children are 4 and 2 and we will be moving house on 31 March next year. Am I being unreasonable requesting that he waits until the children are settled in their new home, school and nursery before they meet his new partner and their child? I feel bullied by a man and his new partner who clearly feels she needs to meet his children. In less than 6 months my children have had to accept that their father has left home and now he wants them to meet his partner and get excited about a new half sibbling.

OP posts:
chilliconbarny · 15/11/2010 16:39

You might not like the idea of the children meeting her, armywife. But there's precious little you can do about it. You can't control what their father chooses to do with them during his contact time, you have to consider the children's rights ahead of your own feelings.

This woman is the mother of their future half-sister, so I can see why it's good for them to start developing a relationship with her. It looks like she'll be part of her lives for the foreseeable future, so I don't see how it will help to delay things.

DinahRod · 15/11/2010 16:40

He's only been with her 5mins (he says) and therefore a reluctance for the dcs to get attached until it's been shown the relationship's going the distance is understandable. I imagine you couldn't give a ff about the OW's needs or lying soon to be ex's, the key question is what is best for the dcs without projecting your own feelings onto them too.

Do they have any contact with him at present?

Amanderrr · 15/11/2010 16:42

"I actually think this is probably much worse for you than the children."
"Do you think that you should be looking for a counsellor for yourself rather than the children so that you have the support to get through this and to help them?"
"It is such a lot for you to take in and manage in such a short space of time." : Well said Lucy101.

As for the new girlfriend being a "Sperm-snatcher". We know this how? Waste of space husband may have played a part in this pregnancy.

wannaBe · 15/11/2010 16:44

that the man is a first-class twat is not in question here.

But advising the op to go to court and/or seek legal advice isn't helpful either.

Adultery is not illegal; getting another woman pregnant while you're still married is not illegal; neither is introducing a new partner to one's children. And while the above are of course immoral going to court to legislate on someone's morals would be a waste of both time and money on the op's part.

The op is of course not reasonable to not want this woman to be introduced to her children, but one must also grasp that part of the reasoning for that is the fact that the op feels that this woman has taken her place in her dh's life and therefore her feelings are totally understandable.

But whether we disagree with this man's actions or not the fact remains that these children are his children just as much as they are the op's children. And this new baby will be his baby, and there will be a blood relationship between this baby and the other two children - that cannot be changed.

And the argument that someone wouldn't want their children meeting a stranger before they had met them doesn't hold for me either I'm afraid, surely our children all meet people without one or other parent having met them first? and sometimes even without either parent having met them - supply teachers? student teachers? people coming into school? And parents have friends that are not necessarily mutual, so just because the op and her dh have now split doesn't make that any less valid...

piscesmoon · 15/11/2010 16:47

I can see that it is very upsetting-an understatement if ever there was one! However you have to leave your feelings out of it and the DC will be a half sibling so even if the mother doesn't last (there is no knowing either way)she is going to be important and they may as well meet her sooner rather than later.
It is sad, but you have to put the DCs first and make it easy for them and not divide their loyalties.

usualsuspect · 15/11/2010 16:50

He gave up his rights to have things on his terms when he left imo

so we should disregard the ops feelings just to make ex dickhead feel better?

Fuck that

FifiForgot · 15/11/2010 16:51

I feel for you and the horrid situation you find yourself in. I have a DD of the same age and I can't imagine having to tell her that Daddy isn't living with us anymore. DS is too young to understand being not quite 1. It must have been the hardest thing to do.

How do you think the children would feel about meeting the OW? You know them best. Do you think this relationship is going to last? I assume from your name your H is in the army, so I imagine everyone knows your business which makes it harder. As others have said, as hard as it might be, you need to put their feelings before yours.

However, I know if I was in the situation you are in, I would want to cut off DH's appendages, feed them to the fish and tell him to forget any contact with his children at least until I had calmed down. But then I have a terrible temper!

piscesmoon · 15/11/2010 16:52

NO-you only think of the rights of the DCs to have 2 loving equal parents. IF you are heartbroken you keep it firmly to yourself and don't involve the DCs! No wonder the courts are going to insist on mediation.

usualsuspect · 15/11/2010 16:54

Would you?

Amanderrr · 15/11/2010 16:55

The time a child will spend with a supply teacher and a step parent is very different. Her children could end up spending whole weekends at a time with the new girlfriend.

Of course we can't vet everyone our children meet but it's reasonable to want to have at least met someone that they're going to have regular and prolonged contact with.

HarlotOTara · 15/11/2010 16:56

I don't know if this is still the case but some years ago a very good friend of mine had an affair with a married man (she was very young). This man then left his wife and two dc for my friend (returned some months later). I think they got a formal separation and part of the order was that my friend was not allowed to meet with the children. As my friend and man split up some months later I am not sure what would have happened if they got married etc. Anyone know if this sort of thing still applies?

OP it must be a horrid situation for you all. I work with unhappy teenagers some of who have come from divorced families - children do not always show how they feel as they may feel a need to protect their parents. From my experience take it as slowly as the dcs need. They need reassurance that both parents still love them and introducing another person with additional complications is too much for them at the moment.

ChippingIn · 15/11/2010 16:59

Your H is a first class wanker - there's no doubt about that.

I think you have been through an awful lot in a short space of time :(

However, your kids are his kids as well... he's left you, not them. You have to allow them to be a part of his new life - no matter what a bastard he's been to you. This is about them not him and not you.

I think it's better that they just get to know her now, it wont throw them, they are very small and just accept people at that age - the longer you leave it, the more of a big deal it will be and I think it would be very wrong to wait until after they have had the baby.

This new baby is their half sibling, H is still their Dad and you can't change that.

I really really am sorry for what you are going through and wouldn't want them to be with H & his new bit either - but I think you just have to let it all happen and find a way to cope with it x

ChippingIn · 15/11/2010 17:01

As for meeting her first - it really doesn't make any difference. Your H has decided he wants to be with her - you liking or not liking her isn't going to change anything. It would not stop him getting shared PR if it went to court ...

You have to trust him to look after them and if you don't think he is able to do that then you have to stop him seeing them unsupervised until he gets a court order - but you can't stop him introducing them to other people and control who they see when they are with him.

ChippingIn · 15/11/2010 17:06

I would be threatening to fry his balls if they were to call her anything other than her name though!!

I would accept them calling her step-mum much later down the line when their new one is perhaps talking and if it's what the DC want, but not now. End of.

TheProfiteroleThief · 15/11/2010 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SparklingExplosionGoldBrass · 15/11/2010 17:19

OP I appreciate now that you were not wishing a miscarriage on your H's new partner and apologise for misinterpreting what you posted (though it did read like that).

However, as others have said, you need to accept that the DC will meet and spend time with this woman and her child when s/he is born. By all means vent on MN but try not to make your DC feel caught in the middle.

GiddyPickle · 15/11/2010 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bonsoir · 15/11/2010 18:19

GiddyPickle - there is no provision in law for three-way meetings between a mother, her exH and his new girlfriend to "discuss ground rules." Much as you may hate the idea, fathers have full parental responsibility and may introduce their children to whomsoever they wish without requiring any consent or input whatsoever from their children's mother.

LoveBeingAMummy · 15/11/2010 18:37

What a knob your ex is. So I dontblame you for feeling this way, agreeing would be like saying everything is ok and it's not!

I do think you need to remember she only knows what he has told her, itcould well be jim that doesn't want you to meet her. You don't know what he had actually told her about you and your situation.

2rebecca · 15/11/2010 18:37

If/when you meet a new man would you expect your ex to have to meet him first and agree these same sort of ground rules with him?
I think residential parents can be very quickk to want the non res parent to jump through all sorts of hoops before the kids can meet their new partner but often ignore the hoops when they meet someone.

The father is as much their parent as the mother. When the kids are with him who they meet is up to him and the OP shouldn't have a veto just because she is female or the resident parent.
I see no reason in the kids' interest to delay meeting this woman.
This isn't about the kids it's about the OP and her justified bitterness at the situation. Let the kids meet her.
She may be in their lives a long time.

LookToWindward · 15/11/2010 18:52

A very unpleasant situation but I don't see what the OP can do to stop her ex from introducing his kids to who ever he wants?

midori1999 · 15/11/2010 18:53

"Shes not their 'stepmum' ..shes their dads girlfriend"

"He gave up his rights to have things on his terms when he left imo

so we should disregard the ops feelings just to make ex dickhead feel better? "

Yes, I am aware she is not their stepmum, hence I used inverted commas. It was just easier to say than 'Dad's girlfriend'/'mother of their brother or sister'.

He hasn't given up his right to be the childrens father and no-one is suggesting anyone do anything to make the ex feel better. They are suggesting the OP do what would make things easiest for the DC. After all, aren't they the most important ones in all of this?

usualsuspect · 15/11/2010 18:57

The op thinks that waiting a while will be easier for her children ...I agree with her

spidookly · 15/11/2010 19:00

This father is absolutely not as much a parent as their mother.

piscesmoon · 15/11/2010 19:01

The DCs are the most important in it all. Everything has to be done to let them have 2 equal parents, who love them, and a relationship with the half siblings. The adults have to behave like adults and they keep their feelings secret.I appreciate it is hard but it has to be done. Adults can cope with heartbreaking situations, but DCs should be shielded from them. Whatever you think you must keep it private.