To not replace something that i havent seen

[Ray81]

We went on holiday back in August and my sister who is 18 looked after my house.
She had a party which she didnt ask to have and evidently one of her friends left a Ipod docking station here.

She asked me for it last week and i told her there was nothing like that in my house (although didnt know what i was looking for tbh). Now i had a real blitz when i got back from hols and was alittle worried i had thrown it out by mistake, i do tend to just go into auto pilot when clearing out. I said to her perhaps i had and thinking it would be £20 or so that i would replace it. I only said that because i couldnt be sure i hadnt thrown it away ifswim. Well she has come back to me saying it is £350 and showing me what it looked like. I havent seen it and have looked ALL over my house.

I havent got that amount of money and i dont think i should replace something that for one i honestly cannot remember seeing and 2 that wasnt my responsibility in the first place.

So AIBU to say NO i am not replacing it. surely if something is that expensive you shouldnt even take it out of your own home and be that careless with it. Whats to say he hasnt left it somewhere else and my house was the last time he could remember seeing it.

Perhaps it didn't even exist in the first place and they're only after a few bob for Christmas

Sounds like you're being scammed.

I am utterly and at this post. OP it is quite obvious that:

1. Either your sis is trying to swindle money out of you, or her 'friend' is trying to do it to her.

1. Your family have no respect for you, and treat you differently/ think you are a push over and are happy to exploit this.

1. Your Dad is treating both you and your sister like children, despite that fact that you are both adults. And worse is intent on taking your younger sisters side.

1. Your relationship with your DH is suffering as he is understabdably upset at the treatment both you and he are recieving from your family.

YOU OWE YOUR SISTER NOTHING.

If anything - she owes you. Your trust in her has been abused - she accepted responsibility for looking after your place and abused the opportunity by throwing a party and not living up to her side of the bargain by letting the birds die.

I would be asking myself a number of questions, like -

• why has no-one (not even you or DH or step dad) addressed your sisters behaviour?
• why is your dad getting involved?
• why is your sister bringing this up now?
• why is there an assumption by your family that you are in the wrong?

To be completely honest I think the answer to most of the above is that you are letting much of this happen by not standing your ground and standing up to your family.

Personally, I would follow the advice on here. Get the police involved.
Tell your family you have done so, and would like to follow proper channels.
Tell them you will not be paying any money for the docking station, and that should sister want to follow it up she will need to do so with the police.
Tell your step dad you will not be indtimidated by him trying to 'sort it out' and that you are adults and will do it yourselves.
Change your locks.
Tell your sister how dissapointed you are that she not only abused your trust, had the party and did not look after the birds properly, but that her actions since have been selfish and vindictive.

Then take a step back from your family for a while.

You poor thing. How sad that your family have got into the habit of treating you like shit. I think it's time to put your DH and your DC first, they are your real family and have a break of contact from these people.

I would send a calm but hurt email to your DSis saying that you can't believe she would accuse you or your DH of stealing the dock, and you are very hurt. Reiterate that neither of you have laid eyes on the wretched thing, and that there is no way you can be held responsible for it. If she or the friend want to take it further they will have to contact the police, and you will cooperate fully with their enquiries, as you have discovered that a ring and some money is missing, so it seems there must have been a thief at the party. I would say that all this has upset you so much that you think you need a break from each other for the time being.

You might miss them all less than you think; although it's very said to break in contact with your family, it sounds like this lot are doing you no good at all. Concentrate on your real family and leave the idiots to get on with it.

any further developments OP?

Where is your Mum in all this ?

Seems like everyone else is scapegoating you.

Your DS appears to have your DSF's ear and because she is at their house she is always going to be able to manipulate him.

You're being stabbed in the back. Get out.

What does your Mum say ?

I also think get the police involved.

Also, if your parents think that the party is no big deal, they won´t mind her having one at theirs.
(I`m assuming she still lives there)

What ashame you can´t get on her FB account & announce a party in her name at theirs!

this is way beyond the pale it really is.

i think there is no reasoning with them. i would write down all the facts / timeline as you remember it. very easy to forget, just so you have a record for yourself.

def time out from family for a while.

I don't think it was unreasonable of the Sis to have a small party (under 20, well-behaved), it depends what kind of party it was whether I would think she should have asked. And I reckon docking station is real although why they haven't made a lot more effort to retrieve it sooner is a mystery.

But the rest is pants (as if you didn't know that OP). I suggest you ask your DH what he would like to do about the missing cash and ring and go with that because there is no perfect way forward. It may be more hassle than it's worth to get police involved or to openly cut your family off or challenge them about any of this. But don't pay, you know that's unreasonable anyway.

I have to disagree lljkk - I think it would be very disrespectful to throw any sort of party in someone else's home without asking their permission.

I used to lodge with a family, and I did have a party at the house whilst they were away on holiday - but I asked them if it was OK, and if they had said No, I wouldn't have had the party.

"I don't think it was unreasonable of the Sis to have a small party"

REALLY? In my book, however old you are, however big or small the party, if you want a party, you ask the owners or tenants of that property first, especially if they aren't there to keep an eye on things. I really don't think that your comment is representative of the majority of polite, normal people.

Your family have no respect for you, your DH and DC, or your stuff! They are treating you like shit and sound like a bunch of twats.

You need to do something about this now! Go to the police and then cut all ties with them. If you dont they will walk all over you and hassle you for the rest of your life. It will not do you or your family (DH/DC) any good at all. Also all this worrying and stress is likely to make you ill, It sounds like its starting to have an affect already.

Your sis is 18 yet your "family" say she is too irresponsible to look after your house. Im assuming thats because they still think of her as a child. She is not one!

On another note, If you need someone to house-sit again, give me a shout! I respect peoples things, look after the house/pets and wot-not and clean when I leave. I can also provide references!

Hi guys,

Sorry havent updated have been manic today.

Ok so this morning my other sister phoned re this ipod thing and was talking to me about it, i asked her to look on FB to see the photos and if she could see this Ipod docking station, when she looked there was one on the fri night with the friend in question that was completely different to the one they say is missing. There is then more photos on the sunday without this particular friend where there is the one in question. Now she that there were 3 and the friend wouldnt even let anyone touch the one that is missing [umm] but then he left it here for her to use on the sunday [umm] doesnt ring true with me.

These photos show around 15 people in my house, shoes on the sofa hanging off curtains, lots of drink etc etc. so not very respectful at all. I have been debating with my other sis all day re her having people over, she says i should have expected it as she is so young.
I do think going to the police would be a good idea but there is nothing they can do, i dont expect for a second anyone is going to admit to taking the ring or the money, i am not likely to get it back, my insurance will not cover it because i gave her a key and she invited these people into my house.

i am going to go out with my dsis tomorrow, just the 2 of us to talk about this and tell her exactly how i feel.
DH is very very angry about this and if they come to our house he is just going to get very irrate with them, besides the fact he doesnt want my sis in my house ever again and i dont blame him.

Re the birds DH said that the didnt have any water, the avery in which all the birds died had 2 pots of mouldy food and NO water. He did an experiment and left a pot of the food out to see how long it would take for the food to go mouldy, it took 4 days to show signs of it. The food that was in there was VERY mouldy so possibly not changed at all. We were away for 10 days.

I still cannot beleive they are trying to make it my fault by saying i should have told her not to have the party and asking her to look after the house in the first place. FFS i have had enough and waterever happens with this i am distancing myself very much from all of them.

Thankyou so much for all your help and advice it has realy helped me to see how i am not being unreasonable at all.

Sounds quite positive.

TBH I'd still report it to the police, because a) the ring might be found and b) it will scare your sister and her friends into not acting like 12 year old twats in the future.

I would also still contact the police. Also someone suggested looking in/ringing pawn shops to see if anything comes up. Its worth a try.

Im sorry about the birds

What's the difference between inviting two friends over and opening a bottle of wine and listening to some music together, or inviting 3, 4, 5... 15 friends over and having some wine and music and dance together? Or do you all think that a housesitter must not let anyone else in the house without the home-owners express permission?

Tbh, if you had left her a list of Do's and Don't's, your family would probably have said you were being a control freak, and treating your sister like a child not a grownup. You couldn't win.

I hope that things go well with your sister tomorrow. The message for her is very clear - she had no right to hold a party without permission, and therefore she is responsible for the things that went missing at the party, not you - including your ring and the money - and she is going to have to replace them.

I would also tell her that you are well aware that she did not care for the birds properly, and that she should be ashamed of mistreating living creatures like that.

She owes you a huge apology, and I hope that you get it.

lljkk, are you also an irresponsible teenager? This woman was asked to perform a specific task; care for the birds. She didn't, and 12 small avian lives were lost because of that. She invited loads of strangers (to the home-owner) in to hang off the curtains and sit with their shoes on the soft furnishings and steal from her sister. In what world is that acceptable?

No way am I defending her treatment of the birds, that's a separate issue although even OP and her DH seem unsure how bad it was ... (OP: I wondered if the food might have gone moldy a lot faster in August heat, btw, then it did when your DH did his experiment).

But no way would I ask someone to house-sit for 10 days or 2 weeks (not sure how long it was?) and then presume that they would have NO friends to visit all the time I was away. It'd be like taking in a lodger and expecting them to never have anyone to visit (I have plenty of years of shared housing behind me, no way I'd take lodgings with that expectation). Totally unrealistic way to treat a fellow adult.

Ah, if only I were 15, GiddyPickle, I wish!!

I don't think she stayed over, did she?

There is a huge difference between having a friend or two to visit, and having a party - which sounds to have been pretty disrespectful of the OP's home and property, lljkk.

And I don't think that the OP's sister behaved anything like an adult, frankly.

An adult would take responsibility for things that happened when she was in charge - the loss of the ipod dock, the death of the birds, and the thefts from her sister's house.

hi ray; i am so horrified to read this thread that i just had to post. firstly to say that you seem to have been very restrained in your handling of this situation. well done for that.

while i ag0r0ee with the sentiment of many of the replies here, i actually dont think that getting tough is the right approach. it doesnt seem within your nature.

can i suggest that you dont get drawn into the facebook, proof of purchase/existence of the docking station. i think it is a red herring and unless it is going to change your decision to pay up, i cant see the point.

i'd also suggest that you ask your sister to meet you tomorrow and for her to bring along the alleged owner of the item. it appears that she is being pressured by that person and in turn you being pressured by your family. i think it best that you speak to that person directly, rather than a chain of middlepeople.

the issues surrounding the ipod thing and your family are clearly complex, but i think best dealt with as separate issues. that approach may help you to focus in your discussion about the ipod thing and to clear that up. thell your sis simply that you havent seen it and you bear no responsibility for its disappearance. do tell her of your discovery re the money and ring and that you and your dh are discussing how you will deal with that.

the issue re the birds, her 'right' to have had a party, your family's treatment of you, facebook deletion etc must clearly be discussed, but at another time. i dont think its appropriate for you to take any of those issues up with her while she is on her own. id say it should be with your mum alone or in a group setting.

i suggest that you tell her in clear terms that you do not want to be contacted about the ipod thing again - by anyone. state clearly that you will not entertain or participate in any more discussions or other about it. then leave it at that.

i too have a family who rally round one of my siblings and leave me out in the cold.

sadly, i have also been the only uninvited sibling to a restaurant dinner. i found out while they were all getting ready. i was in the house with them. when i spoke of my surprise at being excluded much mumbling and excuses ensued. yet still no-one invited me along. i feel your pain. so sorry you are going through this. all of it.

What a nightmare for you OP.

On the ring front, report to police and claim on insurance. You may be suprised how they treat it....... I noticed one day that my emerald ring had a chip in it, I thought I was stuffed. On advice from MN I phoned the insurance company and told them. I had NO IDEA, how I'd done it or when!! They paid out the full value it was insured for.

I was pleasantly suprised.

Back to your family, be firm with them, if they keep harrassing you, tell them to do one.

Have you floated the idea yet of the "Party Thief" who has made off with everything ?

1. If not tomorrow might be an ideal time to do so.
2. Any dodgier looking individuals/suspects in the photos ?
3. Quite a good idea to do it face-face then you can gauge her reaction to the theory.

It would be good if she does meet you on your own; but I'm tossing a coin on whether she'll cancel or bring a "friend".

Make notes to take along, with everything you need to cover.

Hi Ray

God your family are so unreasonable. You seem like a lovely person and your sis is taking the piss.

Your dead right not to cough up for a new one, I wouldn't either.

Just tell her ''sorry but I didn't borrow it so it's nothing to do with me''

It's your sisters problem not yours.

Good luck