I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

here are adoption figures if you look you will see that there are a great deal of children who need adoption even as little as one year old and most of them do not get adopted.

E.g the year ending in march 9500 children were waiting for adoption aged between 1 and 4 only 2300 were adopted between the ages of 1 and 4 so 7200 babies could not find a permanent residence last year . Which is why I think the op should be encouraged to get help so that she can make things right which I truly believe she can and can make a wonderful mother if she is given the right support please op speak to someone and get some help to help you bond with your beautiful little girl.

I agree martz
I think she would still mourn the baby, they felt terrible about the potential damage caused to him.

I think you have been very brave to admit your feelings. Now I think you need to take it one step further and give the child back. She is still young enough to be placed with a family who will love her as she deserves.
Adoption is not for everyone. It is possible to love a adopted child in exactly the same way as birth children. You have convinced yourself you cannot love this child and agree with others that you maybe have too high expectations of what love is. Loving biological children is not always easy.

Please don't let this little girl live a life where she is second best.

I think you should get every type of counselling that you possibly can to help you with this. This little girl thinks you are her mum and will probably love you very much already. I think deep down you probably love her too but it sounds as though it is your frame of mind that is standing in the way as this isn't how you would of originally planned becoming a mum. But now you are a mum and I think you need to let go of your issues regarding this.

Don't know if I am being very clear and explaining myself well but I think that love between all parents and children grows over time. You may not have carried her or be genetically linked but you have raised her for 6 months (which considering how old she is is a long time) so you have had considerable influence on her and her personality and likes and dislikes, interests etc. so in that way she is yours. You have cared and loved her like no one else could and she needs you to learn how to love her completely.

As for having a biological child I think you should just see that as a bonus if it happens rather then saving your love for that child or to replace your adopted child. You have a stepchild, an adopted child and one day you may have a biological child and they will all be siblings so it doesn't matter where they originally came from.

Really it does not say that, if it does correct me as I would sleep better if the figures are not quite so heartbreaking

flamegrilledmama I think the number of children in care isnt the same as the number waiting for adoption.

Many children are in care as a short term arrangement as their main carer is ill, in the care of HMP, or just not coping.

They are not available for adoption though.

FlameGrilledMama -- it says that there were 9500 children aged between 1 and 4 in care in England. The majority of children in care have not been freed for adoption and are not awaiting adoption.

ok, well, when i was pregnant i was v seriously depressed & right up until dd was born i didn't even equate being pregnant with having a baby. i felt like i had been invaded by an alien life force that was destroying me. once she was born i did get 'the rush' but is just shows that you can't expect certain feelings to appear at certain stages, and that how you feel now doesn't necessarily affect how you'll feel in the future.

also, dh was brought up by his birth mum. basically, he was kept out of the way & pretty much ignored. his childhood sounds horrific to me - he says it's not like he was beaten or scared, BUT he has no love for his mother. (but she is a big controlling passive-aggressive manipulator)

so, just in this household there's me thinking 'the love will come' and dh's experience would imply that it doesn't always.

you can't really tell what will happen to you/your family. BUT do think v carefully about what your dd's future will be like without you - the older she is, the harder it will be to have her placed in a family. Can you bear to imagine her future without you?

Either way there are still countless of children who are waiting to be adopted therefore if there is any hope that she can be a good mother I think it should be pursued rather than turning this little girls life upside down again. I always panic when I am about 8 months pg that I have done the wrong thing the op didn't have that adjustment period and I think that is why she is panicing now . However I agree if the op is certain she cannot love this child she should do the right thing but if she is unsure then I think she owes it to this little girl to fight for her and try to make it work.

Although I am very glad that they were not all children awaiting adoption

To me, it is the fact that the OP is ttc that is very worrying.

OP, how would you feel if you gave your daughter back to the care system, continued to TTC and then found it didn't happen for you anyway? IVF is a notoriously chancy business and even if you personally have no fertility issues there is no guarantee you'll end up with a baby anyway. Plus it will cost you enormous amounts of money and is very very stressful, both physically and mentally. How old are you?

I personally think you need counselling asap. I hope you can work through these issues and find a way to keep your child, for your daughter's sake.

OP, have you talked to biological mothers about what you think "maternal love" should be ? It might be that you have an unrealistic and rose tinted view - we all do before we become mothers.

Do I love my daughter ? More than anything in the world - but it's taken time - and it's nothing like I thought it would be. I would always have died/killed for her but that's more of a pretective, animalistic love. When she was tiny (she is 9m now) my love for her was more of a caring thing but now she is developing her personality I am falling in love with her more by the day. I thought I would never want to be apart but actually I am often relieved to leave her because I miss my pre-baby life. She looks so much like my DH that sometimes I look at her and I don't feel as if she's mine because I can't see any of myself in her.

Did you love your husband immediately ? I suspect it took time for love to grow and you just enjoyed getting to know each other adn letting things blossom. You need to do the same with your baby. Adding TTC and all the emotions, hopes adn fears of that into the equation is not going to help.

To all of you that say "give the baby up", would you encourage a birth mother to give up the baby on the same facts as the OP gave or would you recommend her to get help ?

protective not pretective !

'To me, it is the fact that the OP is ttc that is very worrying.' I do agree with this 100% and to me TTC in the op position is stupid and selfish her DH cannot bond with this baby because it is not his biologically yet if she concieves using a sperm donor it still wont be his and her child will always be second best. I would never actively try to get pg if I had any doubt of my partners ability to love my baby. that is selfish and wrong.

Nolove, when my DS1 was about 4 my Dh and I considered adopting and started on the process but for various reasons din't proceed.

The reason I considered adoption was beacuse I didn't form an amazing bond with DS when he was a baby, there was no overwhelming love. But over the next few years I realised that day by day, as I was there for each step with him each successs each failure, every illness every holiday happy tims that built our memories, the love grew and he became 'mine' beacuse I'm the one here for him.

This experience made me think I could adopt as I thought the love grew from the experience of the relationship and not the other way around.

The fact ds1 was our flesh and blood did not seem to register with me, he was his own little person who I grew to love.

We didn't go on to adopt, and the main reason was the contact issues with birth familes which we decided we'd find too difficult.

I don't know exactly what I'm saying here except maybe: the love can grow, I agree with the statement that love is an action and the more the act is carried out the love grows from it. But also I can see how the involvement of a birth family can affect your feelings and of her being 'yours'.

It's complex and you need to seek advise on this, but I'd say whatever you do make the decision that you feel is right for her, that way you will be able to live with it and whichever way the decision goes it will be a real act of love.

you got to ask your self, do you know what loves feels like.

What is your bond between your stepson and yourself, and would it be damaging to him to lose a sister.

i can tell you this all children are diffrent and the love you feel for one child is not the same as another.

my friend went to hell and back....4 years with IVF, then at 35 weeks went into labour when it was descovered she had a low lying placenta, so had to be knocked out for the emergency c-section and her baby was in sbcu for 3-4 weeks (not sure of the reason why.
it took her 2 years to bond with baby as she didn't give birth to the child and didn't see her baby was 72 hours after the delivery

I just wanted to post to give my perspective as someone who was adopted. I feel very strongly that my mum and dad love me just as much as my younger brother and sister who are their biological children. People tell us all the time that I am like my mum, probably because I am in a lot of ways.

Being a parent is not simply providing a womb or sperm, it is providing the support and love that children deserve and I do think this grows.

I'm also aware that I have never felt rejected as my parents always told me how special and loved I was... but if I had a failed adoption I thing this would have affected me deeply. I feel very sorry for you that you are struggling with these emotions and I hope your counselling helps you as I really feel you may regret giving up this child.

"If someone came on here saying they had a 14 month birth child, but hadn't bonded with them, but were ttc another in the hope that they might love the second one, everyone would be shouting at her not to have another until she had sorted out her feelings."

wise words from maryz

I agree with Maryz's posts.

I hummed and hawed while reading through but think, on balance, if you can delude yourself into saying that it is just a "trial", a "placement", an "indictment on [you], not her" and genuinely believe that you would love a biological child more (and intend to now conceive one), you are setting up a situation which is going to cause huge damage to this little girl.

I think you have been treated quite gently here but I don't have tremendous sympathy for you, I'm afraid. I know many birth mothers hve posted about difficulties bonding.. but in some ways, that is different. The media sells a portrait of an initial rush of love and many women are dismayed to feel something different, which combined with all the hardships a young baby can bring and hormonal fluctuations, can make bonding hard. However, you have been through a four year process and it seems to me that you didn't engage truthfully or honestly in it if you now think that adoptive parents cannot love the babies they adopt. You pulled the wool over the social worker's eyes, maybe your own.. too.. but you are acting now as if the fact that 1 in 5 adoptions fail means it's no big deal. In what you are writing, it sounds to me that you are prioritising your own psychological wellbeing over that of a baby that you spent years jumping through hoops to get and, you know, I don't think that's okay (sorry).

I think unless you can commit to moving past this and treating her as a biological daughter (and having appropriate, ongoing counselling to ensure you don't pass on to her the idea she is "second best") AND give up ttcing, you should give her back.

I think you will suffer if you do, but you either commit to loving this child and working through it no matter what or walk away before you cause her more damage.

i have read alot of these posts so not all of them sorry if im adding anything that has been said.

i think it is important for you to see your self as this childs mother. when you give birth to a child you see the resemblance of the child and your self, partner and family and think that is what adds to the rush etc. But that does not always come, when my dd was born i fed her and put her down and got 10 hours unbroken sleep. I did not stare at her in wonderment (is that even a word) and i was in hospital for 9 days and watched these new mums holding touching prodding and staring at thier babaies. i did not do this and I never felt that rush of uncondional love it and wondered if i did love her.

I realised of course I did but for me the love was more about the unsaid, unexplained and just routine things that i did for her etc. I brest fed and felt a bond and new i would be devistated if she ever left my life but it didnt tug at thye heart strings as such.

when she was about 1.5 i found my self absolutly at awe with her, she funny delighfull and it just hit me that i did no doubt love her. I cryed once when she got her finger trapped in the door.

The months between upto a year and leading to 1.5 in a babies life can be a little bit mundane and routine so I think i just got on with the daily aspects of meeting her needs and did not appreciate the relationship we had untill it became more of a two way think

From what you say i think you love your dd in the way I would explain love but maybe not others. I dont think its possible to pigeon hole what you are feeling just yet, its early days in terms of establishing your selfs as a family with this child. maybe it will take time, etc.

What you need to do is work out what is best for you all and make a decission, i dont belive any actions would bu but think you need to be 100% sure as it would be terrible to have regrets either way.

I think for a lot of parents, the reality of parenting doesn't match up to the romantic ideal we are bombarded by. I am guessing that if you struggled with infertility issues and went through the adoption process then this child was very much wanted but, the truth is, the day to day slog of caring for a young child is just that for a lot of people: hard work and not always that rewarding and in no way like the eternal joy and happiness you expect to feel when that determination to have a child has been fulfilled.

Please work at the relationship you have with your daughter (and she is yours) - it has only been six months and many biological mothers feel it takes at least that time for a bond to form with their own children.