I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

I haven't read the whole thread but thought you might like to know that your romantic idea of "the rush" of motherly love is far from reality for a lot of us.

I hear (and read here) that some women do fall in love with their babies at first sight. I didn't. Actually, I cared very little about DD when she was born, and frankly thought mostly about my wrecked body and the extreme post-partum pain. She was little and kind of cute, but that's it, really.

It was through months of caring for her that one day I realized I was crying while watching a film about a mother whose baby was taken from her, my mind recoiling from the imagined horror of losing DD, that I realized I loved her.

I had to post on this thread.

Please get a grip and recognise that you have a responsibility to your baby.

You are her primary carer and for her that is a given it is all she knows. It just is. All she needs is you. The loss of a mother before the age of 5 is extremely difficult for a child and has a adverse impact on adult outcomes.

Please do not reject her for something that is about you and your baggage. Please get some help and support to come through this.
X

My Aunt and Uncle took two foster kids several years ago (older than yours) and that has recently broken down due to their behavioural issues which despite both working with kids, they just couldn't handle any longer.

I personally don't believe you can ever love a child that isn't yours in the same way but you might just have to accept that as a fact, stop trying to force it/wait for it to come and get on with the commitment you've made to bring her up as your own and in as best a way as you can.

I hope it works out for you.

I posted earlier. I don't know what is going on in the OPs heart and mind. I don't know how certain the OP is of that either. However, as an adopted person who believed and believes in the love that her parents had for her, I am increasingly convinced by maryz's arguments. Yes difficult to deal with a rejection but better to have the chance of being loved.

"If someone came on here saying they had a 14 month birth child, but hadn't bonded with them, but were ttc another in the hope that they might love the second one, everyone would be shouting at her not to have another until she had sorted out her feelings."

I completely agree with the above too.

I'm thinking out loud here, but could it be complicating things that the DH has a biological child, but the OP doesn't? Could there be a sneaky little voice saying "He has a biological child, so why shouldn't I? It isn't fair that I don't, especially as he is the one with problems."

This thread has been remarkably restrained, and as such I hope it has been useful. I read the first 6 pages and didn't notice anyone point out about attachment disorder. I'd like to explain a little -

At birth, babies have very few neural pathways in their brains. By age two, most of their neural pathways are formed. The pathways are formed through learning, and repetition, so learning that hungry + cry = food, or learning that scared + mummy = comfort, etc. If they are neglected, or abused, those neural pathways will form incorrectly (fear + crying = smack for example) which will severely impact on the way a child develops socially and emotionally.

The way a child attaches to their primary carers is key in developing healthy brain function. Babies need one or more regular, consistent figures to attach to, in order to develop healthily. Not having this attachment figure, or having them be distant, unavailable, or abusive, can lead to psychological issues later in life. Having this attachment disrupted can also do the same. This is why the decision to remove babies from primary carers is not taken lightly. The damage caused by disrupted attachment can outweigh, in some cases, the damage caused by neglect, for example (not always, of course)

How can we help children to recover from attachment disorders? The most effective way is providing secure, constant care in the hope of retraining some of those neural pathways. This is possible, though hard. This is why it's often more challenging to parent adopted children, especially if they have attachment disorders. You are fighting disordered brain development. It's like swimming uphill.

The good news for your daughter - she has had a consistent attachment figure/s for the last 8 months. We can hope that the consistent care you have given will have allowed her to attach to you and repaired any damage caused by the first six months of her life. This means that disrupting that attachment she has to you could be massively damaging to her.

you don't get a trial at being a parent

You took this baby on, knowing (I hope) what the consequences would be for her if the adoption failed. You are not recognising what effect it would have on her. She would not see it as an indictment of you - are you mad? You would fundamentally screw with her head if you did this.

I can empathise, in a way, with the worry that you will never feel like her mum. I don't think that's likely to happen, but only if you grow up and put some effort in, by which I mean stop TTC immediately and work out why you think you could parent a bio child any better than this one.

"I personally don't believe you can ever love a child that isn't yours in the same way"

What I do know, is that I love my DSD more than anything, I would literally walk on hot coals for her, I would do anything I possibly could for her. She's grown up now.

I don't yet have any of my own, so I can't comment on whether it's 'the same'. Im sure there are differences.

But it doesn't mean you can't love them as much albeit differently.

OP - please don't send your baby back to care - if you care enough for her then that is much better than her living in care, and the trauma she will feel being separated from you. It's more about her than you, unless you totally hate her being around or are a danger to her.

Beleiveinlife "I personally don't believe you can ever love a child that isn't yours in the same way" - I think what you mean is "I personally don't believe I can ever love a child that isn't mine in the same way" Would prefer it if you didn;t speak for my family or others like it, if thats OK with you.

I am sorry about your situation. I can only say that I agree with you about not being her 'mother' but I think you are the closest thing that she'll ever get.
If I can just focus on you for a moment, I would say that you come across as being a kind, decent person here and, to be honest, if you gave her 'back' (for want of a better word), I think it would haunt you.
The bottom line seems to me to be this:
Is it better to give her up now and feel short-term relief that may turn into guilt that lasts forever (I'm not saying you'd be right to feel guilty at all-just that I think that you will)or persevere with her and feel better in the long-run?
I don't really see how a person who gives time and attention to a little child can ever feel that bad about themselves, to be honest.

I'm not sure if this is correct or not, so if anyone knows otherwise please do say, but if the OP returns her daughter () then it will be on her file that she has had a failed adoption and therefore will be much less likely to be adopted again, because future prospective parents will be concerned about behavioural issues, i.e they will wonder what is wrong with the girl. Is that correct? Or would she have just as much chance to be re-adopted.

I think this is such a sad situation, there are no winners. I hope that hearing how plenty of biological mums take time to love their babies help. I have a close friend who has been in just that situation. She had a very loved pfb, and then had another girl who is now 10 months and she has very clearly struggled with her DD2. So much so, she hasn't been able to hide it from her friends or family. But she is getting that bond now and talks about her in very different terms, which is a relief. But she didn't love her at first and really seemed to dislike her too at times.

You do have a responsibility to bear in mind that this will affect her, if you 'return' her. She will not be able to see it as reflecting on you, she will always see it as reflecting on her in a very profound way and it could potentially do huge, huge damage. I would say you mustn't keep a child you will never love if you are going to end up not being nice to her, which even if you wouldn't do intentionally, could happen. Children do pick up on not being loved or liked. But if you can keep her and give things a chance to develop, please, please do.

I agree Eric, and alluded to it ever so gently and then I think I deleted most of it before posting but kept in a small bit about attaching to another mother. I completely agree.

Attachment disorder is a big deal. I hope OP decides to put the baby, her DD first. And that does not mean disrupting her little life once again in the space of less than 2 years. Imagine the trust issues this poor child will have if she is abandoned yet again. OP you are all she knows. JUST as her memory is getting better and stronger and you are the constant carer for her. I truly hope you can get through this, for the child's sake :(

Hear, hear, Kew. My adoptive parents would have gone wild if someone had ever made that comment to them.

What I can't get my head round is that if this were a biological child there would be universal at the concept of anyone saying "I don't love her, I need to give her up". But because she is adopted there is a small group advocating exactly that and honestly believing it is in the baby's best interests. There is a shedload of very complex and overwhelming emotions around adoption, but that doesn't entitle anyone to an automatic passcard if it doesn't turn out as idyllic as imagined.

The issues are all around the OP and she needs good advice, not advocates for a strategy which in the case of a biological child would seem abhorrent. I really worry that the OP may be swayed by a bunch of mums on here telling her what to do (one way or the other), when she needs some very good qualified therapists to lead her through the maze of what she is going through.

I would not be saying 'perhaps you should give her back,' if the OP were not ttc.

She wants a baby, but not this one.

That seems like huge red flags to me.

Don't have time for a long post, but am in the middle of the adoption process myself and have to say: WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU MUST STOP TTC NOW.

To do so in irresponsible, dishonest and incredibly foolish.

and selfish

And if the OP does conceive, this little girl will be in a very very vulnerable position.
I don't see how she will not be second-best.

cross-posted maryz

OP - as you rightly say no-one can make the decision for you and your DH and I do think that posting in AIBU is a bit of a mistake becasue you will proportionately get a huge response from people who have never experienced what you are going through. Of course everyone is entitled to an opinion but some experience of the situation does flavour your view in my opinion.

I can only tell you my experience/thoughts:

1. TTC whilst you are going through the adoption process is frowned on for very good reason- because it is a massively bad idea. massively bad for everyone in the picture here. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a bad idea I think it is. It's like having an affair because your marriage isn;t perfect - there is no scenario which you can think of which will end without pain to someone concerned. Complete this journey properly - be respectful to the daughter you have and make a clear decision.

2. Adoption does not cure infertility. You are still infertile after adopting and need to deal with this deparately to adopting.

3. Most people adopt because they are desparate to have a family and by the time they adopt they would probably sign up for a pony if it were offered - any thought of a child being like you or needing it to be a certain way are long in the past. Its the need to nurture that usually drives women.

4)of course you didn;t have a "motherly rush" unless the socialworker was standing behind you with a syringe full of oxytocin as you began introductions. Bonding as an adoptiveparent can be tough - you have no chemical help to get you through the inital phase. It seems to be rarely talked about that adoptive parents take longer to bond with their childrne than birth parents. Evryone I talked to, every blog I read was all about people falling instantly in love with their new child and I felt like a two headed beast when presented with a very cute small 11 month old and I felt absolutely nothing.

I felt like the babysitter for a very long time I was very concern about my lack ofability to bond with him. I felt very responsible for him very early on and perhaps that made it worse - the overwhelming sense of life long responsibility wihtout the love that usually accompanies it. I had to make a decision to go ahead with the adoption before I had properly bonded and rather piously decided that I would go ahead knowing that I would make it my lifes work to make sure that even if I never loved him, he would have a better life with me than his alternative life would have been. What a laugh becasue actually my happiness in life is now scarily dependent on this child whom I once thought I might never love. Six months isn't long in my experience if you are struggling to bond. By my reckoning a proper bond probably started to format 6 months and was a work in progress for probably another year after that - and that isn't easy for me to admit or remember now. I think the prime point that bonding should be beginning is being subverted by the possibility of a birth child.

5. I think you need to very very carefully work through what you think a brth child will give you that this childwill not and consuder carefully the following - what if fertility treatment doesn't work, would you rather have no child than a non-biological child; why is the biological link important to you, what difference will it bring you that will help you feel more maternal (perhapwsthe answer is oxytocin!); what is you have a birth child with some needs you hadn't considered at the moment. If you would rather give back this child and take the risk that your fertility treatment won't work and be childless then very clearly you have your answer.

6. Do I love DS as much a I would have loved a birth child. WHo knows. I lovehimmore than I thought it was actually possible to love another person, even the thought of anything happening to him is enough to make me cry (and I'm the kind of person who used to despise mothers who cried about children they didn't know dying ). He is my son. I don't care if some people think I can't possibly love him as much as they love their children,I really don't care It matters not one jot to me - DS loves me and I love him and we are both very happy with the situation.

Whatever you decide you daughter needs to to be a fully committed parent not a half arsed fiddling around trying to create a slightly more perfect family than you might have now. That is dispectful to her, commit to her by thinking this through carefully then either shit or get off the pot - THEN try for an IVF baby if thats the right choice for you.

Sorry I guess this is a bit of an essay

Some one mentioned that the child's chances of another adoption will be reduced, as potential parents will assume she is a problem.

Looking at these posts, I don't think so. No one in this cross section of society on MN is blaming the little girl for her situation.

I personally would grab her with both hands. That can't be just me?

I have just re read the ops first few posts.
Every time she talks about ttc she says I. I am ttc, I am considering donor sperm. I am using DHs feelings as a yardstick. He is fully aboard the adoption process and now she has doubts he doesn't know what to do.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Maybe that she needs to stop and think that it's not just about her and the baby. Her DH is involved and also the DSs. I'm so divided on my feelings about this thread, but I think, as others have said, that she needs to let go of TTC and needs to get serious counselling. She hasnt grasped that sheis just going through what many many MOTHERS go through! If she doesn't stop chasing ideals, she may end up with nothing.

agree with bunty

i think there are 2 ways this could work out:

a) OP sticks with it, tried her hardest to put her issues aside, bonds with baby and every eventually ends up happy

b) OP can't get over her issues, doesn't bond with baby, everyone ends up unhappy.

add to either of these the possibility of the OP conceiving her own child and i think both of them end up pretty shitty to be quite honest.

this baby deserves someone who wants her. what happens if another 6 months down the line the OP still doesn't? then what? I presume the older the child gets the harder it is to place her with another family?
so in my mind it would be better if the OP gave her up NOW so that she has more chance of being placed into a loving family

it isn't ideal. it's incredibly far from it. but it's better than what could happen if she stays with the OP and the OP has her own child and/or decides that she really cannot continue caring for her.