I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

The real tragedy is that the OP is in the weird position of having a choice.

When it's our own biological kids we have no choice and can rarely even articulate how we feel sometimes

When we take on step-children through marriage we take on a package which we cannot unwrap and section off into different pieces so again we have no real choice. We have a little more lee-way though in being able to share feelings with others in similar position

It is such a heartbreaking situation that the OP is in a position where she is being given an option. I would hate to be her. FWIW I think she will regret it for the rest of her life is she gives the baby back and I also think she is not getting the right support because she should be getting treatment for depression and some serious strong advice on the consequences of her choice. Sounds to me from reading this thread that there si shedloads of evidence of people taking a long long time to bond with their children and not much evidence at all where adopted children remain unloved over time.

OP please, please stamp and shout and do whatever it takes to get yourself the right counselling and support through this god-awful mess. You owe your daughter and yourself the opportunity to try and work through this. Please, please don't just walk away. Please.

I think the OP cannot have been ttc when she was allowed to adopt , or she did not admit it.
From what I hear in the press, pulling the wool over social workers eyes is not very difficult.

OP, your DD's alternative is to be returned to temporary foster placements or a childrens' home. However shaky your bond is, however inadequate you feel as a Mum, it will still be better than the love and care she would receive in a childrens' home.

Even if you cannot think of yourself as a mother, she thinks of you that way. Can you not reconcile yourself to the fact that she is a tiny, vulnerable individual that is yours to care for, even if you can never feel like her mother ? She needs you and your husband.

I cannot believe this is making me well up with tears but she has already been put up for adoption, unless there is something truly dreadful then I think you would be morally wrong to return her just because you don't feel you can love her enough.

I haven't read all the replies, only to about Page 4 so I may not have seen all the OP's posts let alone everyone else's.

Just to say, and I think others have said it, I wonder if you have too high expectations about what love should feel like in this context.

I love my kids. I didn't bond with my son straight away, he was in SCBU, difficult birth, etc, refused to breastfeed (he did I mean) and various difficulties. My daughters birth was a dream in comparison and I was really pleased and proud and more able to bond.

Anyway. I love my kids. But I dont feel the need to play with them all the time, cuddle them all the time (even as newborns, if I thought I could "get away" with popping them down in their basket and getting on with some stuff, I would. I find them annoying sometimes. Irritating. I am disgusted at the mess at times. Resentful of the lack of freedom that comes with having these dependants. During the day, when I'm with them, I dont feel "love" all the time.

What makes me sure I love them is that once they are in bed, and have been there for an hour or so, I start to sort-of miss them. Not in an active, "lets go get them up!" kind of way. Just in a "awww, DS was so cute today, you know what he said" and I start wittering on to DH about it. Or I might look at a couple of photos of them on my computer. That kind of thing. Then, we go and check them before we go to bed, and I love the way my daughter sleeps on her side and has a cute fuzzy head and I love the way my son's room always smells of freshly baked bread and there's generally something strange going on in there, like the potty has been used as a ladder to turn his light up or he's put his pillow and duvet on the floor and is sleeping there instead of his perfectly good bed.

I dont feel "active" love all the time. Its an underlying, slow brewing thing.

How do you feel when you go and check her before you go to bed? Do you get the warm fuzzies from it? Do you check her before bed?

I have to disagree with your first point Fibilou. I had love and care in children's homes that I never got in foster homes.

I think it is the wrong thing to be pushing the OP to try and love this child as her post just screams of wanting a birth child - "I am trying really hard to get pregnant" even to the point of going to have donor sperm inserted. If she does become pregnant then the child she has now will come even further down the love order.

Well none of us did give are children away I'm just saying it's not an uncommon way to feel if you feel like you're a rubbish mum.
I agree that it would be a good idea to, at least, postpone trying to conceive until you had sorted out the issues with the child you have.

Fibilou this baby will not end up in a children's home.
She will be adopted by someone else if she is returned to care; loads of people are waiting to adopt babies.

It will be much worse if it happens further down the line.

I think if the OP does conceive, this child will be in a very sad situation. She is surely better off with someone totally committed to her?

are you trying to say that you feel you can bond with an adopted child just not this one?

I

as a birth parent i have had my moments when ive thought i cant do this etc etc etc,ok i havent given them up but im not to proud to admit i have had these feelings and this comes from someone who had twins through IVF after years of infertility and years later a natural conception baby,

these are "mine"think op even us birth mums have these feelings at times,i really dont know what im trying to say really but agree that maybe your expectations may be unrealistic and weve all had them prior to having kids

Also, I'm thinking about the "pride" element of parenting/motherhood and how that works with adoptive parents.

There's this underlying theme every time we take a photo or someone acheives a milestone of "look what we created, isn't it amazing how we did that". We managed to create this human life that, almost by itself with what feels like very little intervention on our behalf, has said a word or stood up or eats olives or whatever fantastically unusual normal thing they do.

There's this feeling that the child is half you and half your husband and there you are both raising them, they look like you or your DH, and of course all their good looks come from me. And you hear people saying "ooh hasn't she got beautiful green eyes" or "oh his eyelashes are so thick, a waste on a boy" etc and you muse over which side that may have come from.

I am ignorant to how this "works" when you adopt. Their good looks, quick wit, and the elements of their personality that they were born with are technically down to someone else. You can't "take credit" for them as such. In the early days, when you are sleeping badly or up to your elbows in shit most the time or being climbed on by a preschooler 24/7, its this constant positive "feedback" you get that helps reinforce the whole unit.

I wonder if perhaps you aren't taking any "credit" for your daughter simply because of the biological element and think others are not allocating you any credit for her either. Because at 8 months there is not a lot of feedback that isn't just who they look like and whether or not they are sitting/crawling etc.

But its not long till she gets older and starts to interact more and then it very very very much is down to you and how you have spent your time with her and what kind of child she becomes is purely down to you and your partner and you can take all the credit, and people will more naturally allocate that credit to you (believe me if you are at soft play and she lobs someone over the head they most definitely will).

That shaping and creating element of parenthood isn't just done out of a sense of duty, it is fed by love but it delivers love in return, in a way and feeds the love in an underlying way.

I hope some of that made sense and I hope some element of that isn't fundamentally offensive to anyone. Its how I see it but I may not be expressing it that well. Does it make sense or ring true with anyone?

Abusive FFS the OP is looking after the child to the best of her ability. They are clean, fed etc. She is struggling with emotions that will likely resolve before the child is aware of them given the chance.

I know it's not the same, but I used to be a out of school carer for three kids who belonged to a friend of mine who died. Dad asked me to help him. I looked after them for nearly two years. In that time, I have been through the whole gamut of emotions from hate through despair, dislike, affection, pity and feeling absolutely nothing for them. Love rarely came into play if I am honest and these are kids with whom I had an emotional link. It wasn't until I stopped looking after them, the pressure was off and I had a chance to look at things objectively, did I realise just how much I love the whole mad dysfunctional bunch of them. For two years id put them on an equal footing with my own kids FGS! I cried for a week when I left the job and I still love the little rat bags totally.
My point is, love isn't always where or what you think it should be. Cut yourself and this little girl some slack. She's yours now. Just enjoy each other on a friendly footing and see what happens.

Bunty I think you might have hit the nail on the head with what you were saying about links with the birth parents.

My sons dad was adopted at six months and in those days there was no no contact.
His mum and dad , from what I could see, loved him as much as any parent could love any child.

He could have sought his birth parents at 18 but never did because he always felt his mum and dad were his real parents anyway.

I do think it must be really hard to know so much about the birth parents and it must make it more difficult to feel like the child is yours, OP.

"I have to disagree with your first point Fibilou. I had love and care in children's homes that I never got in foster homes. "

Sorry, I didn't phrase it very well ! What I meant was that in foster homes and childrens' homes you are never going to get the love and security of a real home with parents, even if they are non-biological. You are in a far better position than me but I would imagine that being with in your own family must be better than in a childrens home where you are looked after by staff ?

The baby isn't 8 months, the OP has had her for 8 months.
She is 14 months.
If the OP is not sucked in at 14 months, I worry she may never be.

"She will be adopted by someone else if she is returned to care; loads of people are waiting to adopt babies."

I think this is a fallacy, everything that I know about the care system is that a lot of children end up with failed adoptions, lots of foster placements and childrens homes.

I hope not fibilou, not at this early age surely?
She is only a toddler.

I think that not everyone is suited to adopt because they feel the way you feel.

I don't think you're a bad person for it, but I do think that perhaps you should give her the chance to be placed with a family who can see her as their child.

Not everyone can 'take on' a child that isn't theirs. My husband, for example, has always been quite clear that he could not have entered into a relationship with a woman who had children because he could not love those children as his own and be their father. There's nothing wrong with feeling that and making sure you don't get into that situation. There is a LOT wrong with knowing that about yourself and doing it anyway and then failing the child/children.

I think it is important to be honest with yourself, as you are being.

Suppose you do get pregnant - you have a biological child. Don't think for a second that your favouritism would go unnoticed. To give her to a family now and let her have a life loved as a daughter would be far less damaging to her than to remain with you if despite your best efforts and counselling etc, you just can't take her in your heart as yours.

I think that if you know in your heart of hearts that you can't do this and do it properly, then it is an act of love to give her to someone who can.

Hear hear hecate

my friend gave up an almost adopted baby, she got very depressed after the adoption, was very poorly supported by ss.

they went on to have ivf that failed.

They still mourn the baby they gave away and the ones they never had.

I think love takes time to grow for most adoptive parents and she didnt give it space as she hadnt explored the ivf route prior to adopting.

I feel very sorry for you all I know it almost ripped them apart.