I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

ffs judge and you will be judged,give the girl a break yes she wants opinions but some have experience of adoption some of us dont,no need to be so bloody nasty,

I don't agree with Runaway. I think you have to stop dreaming about what might be and start facing up to reality though. You are now a mother. You need to start dealing with this like any other mother would. No one can tell you how motherhood should feel. This is it. What if that baby you might have is disabled? Or a boy when you wanted a girl? What if DH rejects it? What if you reject it? No one can make life exactly right and you must make the best of what you have now. Before it is taken away forever.

Having re-read the OP, I think the poster intends, in her heart of hearts, to give this baby back.
I may of course be totally wrong, but that is the impression I get.

In which case, the sooner the better.

I think that you have a very romantic idea about children and child-rearing. :(

If you do a search on here for mothers who struggled to bond with their babies at first you will find many, many women who expected a rush of love, and never had one.

My Mum described seeing my firstborn as like love at first sight. She couldn't believe how powerful the rush of love was. But I didn't get that, and I felt very guilty. To be honest, with my second baby, I was more relieved than anything else when they put her in my arms. And with both, they slept so badly that for the first few months I felt that I was firefighting and had no time to think about anything like bonding. What I did have was a very strong determination to protect them, and a great sense of pride that they were so wonderful. But no rush of "love".

The other thing that I have had some experience with is the non-biological parent issue. We used donor sperm, and so my husband has no genetic relationship with either of our children. It has made no difference at all in how he feels about our children, or how he parents them. There is abolutely no guarantee that you would feel differently about a biological child. Except that perhaps you feel that you have "failed" in some way to get pregnant yourself - ?

You haven't mentioned anything about your husband here (that I can see). How does he feel about your daughter? She is his child too. And I'm sure that you are intelligent enough to realise that you are setting yourself up for criticism if you write that you don't believe that anyone can love an adopted child as much as a biological child. Which is what you would be asking your husband to do.

I don't have any experience of adoption, but it took me a LONG time to bond with DS1. Not really sure why, had an easy pregnancy, good birth, he was lovely baby. I think he was almost two years before I really felt I loved him as much as DD. By contrast I fell in love with DD within days of her birth, same with DS2.

I remember telling friends when he was a baby (still BF) that I couldn't work out why I didn't love him, they all looked at me in totally shocked way.

Hope you get some answers, but I have to say I would jump to adopt my nieces/nephews/friends child rather than put them into care.

if a birth mother dosent look after her child as a mother should be it

no love,she has a dependency of drugs etc,cannot wont provide basic care,no emotion to child would you still say the child should stay with the birth mother OR should be placed for fostering etc

most when sad stories come up in the news say the child would be better of and should be taken into care

now im not suggesting there is neglect etc in this case but is it so different,surley this could turn into emotinoal neglect if the love isnt there

I think so too theywill growup emotional neglect is terribly damaging

thanks bunty just trying to add another side which i think we forget sometimes

very sad situation really is will follow this closeley

I'm amazed reading this thread. I had no idea that adoptees could be returned! I'm gobsmacked tbh - if you choose to adopt and go through with it then surely legally you are that child's parent, full stop? You are not therefore 'returning' your child, the adoption has not failed at all - you are abandoning them. And the opprobrium on MN usually reserved for such mothers, well...

OP I think you need serious, serious counselling, and fast, because I think 'returning' your daughter has become the focus of something very much deeper. I don't believe for a minute that the root issues would change if you had a biological child of your own, and I'm frankly worried that the process has been allowed to get this far without something of your unhappiness being picked up by these 'professionals'. Four years?!

I have no idea whether or not you should actually abandon her, but you absolutely have to make a decision and commitment as soon as possible. Because this is not about you anymore, it really isn't. If you want to abandon her then for her sake, do it quickly so she can have a second chance. You owe her that much at least.

Am speechless.

If you read the subsequent posts I think that the OP is hoping to work through her feelings and keep the baby.
OP ignore the people who have said hurtful things - you haven't asked to feel the way you do. I don't think anyone would say these things to a bio mum suffering PND.
To all the people who are saying that you should return the baby if you doubt your feelings towards them should I have had my baby adopted? Do you think she would have been better in the care system than where she is now - in a loving home with her mum, dad and her little brother?

Oh, Nolovehere. Like others, I feel for you. You sound very unhappy and confused.

There are things about your posts that jump out at me. Especially the fact that it is your husband who is the infertile half of the partnership (although I note he does have a biological child from his previous marriage). Do you feel a sense of injustice here? You are committed to this man, you want to have children but you are unable to conceive together. You've tried to solve the issue by adopting this little girl but dh says he doesn't feel the love for her that he does for his biological child. So you are left feeling that the adoption process was a mistake for both of you since you could very well have conceived your own biological baby with a different partner.

I know that all sounds very confused but I think its a confusing situation for you!

You also seem to be struggling with the open adoption situation. Do you think it would be easier for you if your dd had been handed to you and there was no contact with her birth family? I think that's hard too. You, perhaps, feel constantly reminded that you are not her biological mother, instead of being left alone to form your bond with her.

I wish I could offer you a solution but I can't, only some understanding. I really hope the counselling process will help you to find your role here because I don't think you feel you have one at the moment.

I think it would be heartbreaking for you to 'return' your adopted DD. I wouldn't even do that to a pet - if you agree to take on the care of another living creature, then you live up to your responsibilities. Especially when it's a human baby.

To address the love issue... I didn't feel any great rush of love for my biological DDs when they were born. I cared for them, I looked after then as best I could and I only wanted the best for them. But babies are boring and all take take take. Some people love babies. I don't. I didn't truly fall in love with my gorgeous DDs until they were over 1 year old and started to develop personalities, and be people who I could actually fall in love with.

The question of instant rush of love for a newborn has been discussed on MN before. It might be helpful to do a search. Some, like me, had it grow slowly. Some felt it instantly. Some had it for one DC and not the other. Some sadly still feel like they don't love their DCs. But they DO NOT GIVE THEM UP!

Sorry, I feel very strongly that a child is not some possession you can pass on if it doesn't exactly turn out the way you want. You owe it to her to MAKE it work, one way or another.

thequimreaper - that isn't the same, usually bio mums with PND are not talking about giving their child away.

I hope you keep and grow to love (or at least like a lot, in your terms) this little girl.

If you give her back (yes better now than later) then it will only cause more distress, upset and confusion for her.

And quite possibly, difficulty attaching to yet another mother. You have had her since 8 months for 6 months. So she is 14 months now. She has known you to be her mother for nearly half of her life now. And as she gets older that percentage will only grow until the first 8 months is a tiny speck.

It will not be loads easier or more romantic or full of love if you physically give birth to a child.

You can still have a biological child and your DD.

I wish you the best with counselling. I hope it works.

OP I hope I haven't said anything hurtful.
I do get the impression your mind is made up, but that is not a criticism. Better now than later if that is what you do.

I don't think your feelings are uncommon.
If 1 in 5 adoptions fail your situation is not uncommon.

You are talking openly about your feelings, where many people would cover up. That does not make you a bad person, only an honest one.

I wish you and your family all the best.

The professionals can take an objective look at whether there are real reasons for this to be an adoption failure. I'm sure there can be overwhelming problems that sometimes emerge that make it impossible to continue with an adoption, because it is not in the best interests of the child.

From what you've said, this is not one of these cases. You love her, but not (yet) in a gooey emotional way. You like her and she is a "lovely baby", and there are no big problems to overcome.

Sounds like it has every chance of working well. once you adjust your expectations and thinking to be more realistic perhaps.

Quimreaper - I don't think people are saying she should return her child. Quite the opposite in fact, that's the whole bloody point. She's made a committment to this child and ought to be seeing that as a binding and permanent one, and therefore working out what she can do to help herself resolve these issues. 'Returning' her daughter shouldn't even be being mentioned by her. If she does make that decision however, I also think she she be under no illusion as to what she's doing. She will point blank be abandoning her own daughter.

I agree that if you are going to give up your daughter you better do it very soon, because the longer you draw it out the worse it will be for her.
I do hope you are not waiting to see if you can get pregnant before you make your decision. That would be pretty callous.

sparkle, I don't think the adoption has gone through.

phipps - I went to a PND support group and there was not one mum there who hadn't considered whether their child would be better off with someone else.

I also think that if you do return your DD then you should not have another child as you are not likely to get this rush of love for a biological child and if you cant love this child and need to abandon her then it is not fair for you to concieve a child when there is a good chance you may not get this romantic rush of love you desire.

Not quite the same thing though, still. I have thought mine would be but I wasn't going to give them away.

This child needs to be removed from the OP's guardianship and placed with someone who isn't planning on ttc or is so desperate for a child they will use donor sperm.

I get it must be hard for the OP but I am firmly on the side of the baby and know the problems she could have in the future should this adoption be finalised.

I know Bunty, but how on earth do you get to four years down the line, and have an entire team of professionals make the decision that you are suitable to have a child placed with you, accept that child, parent that child, and then change your mind?!!!! Surely you should not take the child in in the first place? I just can't understand how that can be allowed to happen.

I know a family who have adopted, who find the connection to the birth family very difficult. They have to maintain links, send photos and descriptions to the birth family who they know abused their child.
I wonder if more adoptions succeeded in the days when the birth family did not have this right and contact was not carried on.