I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

You are right - your DD is young enough to be found another family if you cannot continue to care for her. However, you are deluding yourself if you think this would be better for her - it won't. Broken adoptions are so damaging. She has already moved from her birth family, then moved into foster care, then to you, then she will go back into care and finally to another family. They may do a better job than you and love her - but it will be so much harder as she will have moved 4 times and is likely to develop serious attachment difficulties. She trusts you - please try to keep her. You are her best chance for a happy childhood. Parenting is hard and the perfect parent does not exist - just good enough ones.

I disagree. I think it would be better for her to be removed as this poster doesn't love her and someone else will.

Apologies for not having read the whole thread.

I just wanted to mention some people I know very well who adopted some time ago a now adult child, clearly one of the adoptive parents never bonded with her, and that ongoing rejection from the adoptive parent - although not as overt as being sent back, but clearly there - has caused great unhappiness. The child you have now is still a baby, there is a great demand, I think, for healthy babies to adopt, and I assume that if you were to return her to the care system she would have a very good chance of finding another family.

Conversely, I never felt a 'rush of love' for my much wanted biological child - but when, at a few weeks old, he was suddenly very ill, it came, and now it is overwhelming.

Best of luck.

First off, what a thoughtful post FortunateHamster.

I work in adoption, but will hasten to add that I am certainly no expert. A previous poster made a very good post about attachment, these issues are extremely complex and can be over simplified which is dangerous.

I have never experienced your situation, but have heard of situations such as yours. One in particular was heartbreaking, very similar to you the female adopter did not feel any "connection" to the child placed with her. Unfortunately, the male adopter was head over heels in love....but in essence the SW who had the case knew that if the female adopter could not love the child she WOULD end up with further "damage"....maybe irreparable damage. I am not sure of the finer details of this case, but it was heartbreaking for all involved.

It does sound as if you are depressed. It is extremely common for adopters to experience post adoption depression. There is so much expectation on you which can be difficult take on board all at once.

• Everyone expects you to be overjoyed and happy as they perceive all your dreams and wishes must have come true...you have a baby! Reality, it's bloody hard work and most first time parents underestimate the physical and emotional exhaustion of being responsible for a child 24/7. You have to begin to get your head around parenting a child that you may feel you don't even know properly. I think someone described it as babysitting initially. You also have SS looking at everything in great detail, reviews, health assessments etc etc can all be exhausting and is not "normal".
• Having a child placed with you often triggers issues of loss and infertility. This can be a bit of a shock for lots of people, again because we all expect you to be so happy that you finally have a child. But again it can just be another reminder of not being able to have a biological child.
• Now I may be way off mark but the tone of your messages is so rational and almost lacking in any emotion, cold and distant. There seems to be some disconnect in the way you talk about this child.

I think fundamentally though what came across in your original post is your ambivalence regarding adoption. It seems you are not totally comfortable with the concept of adoption as a way to be a parent. As you can see from the many posts from adopters, or those who have been adopted - it is possible to feel absolutely 100% the same for an adopted child as a birth child. Some people are very honest and can say that it is not the same, but that is not to say that ALL people cannot love birth children and adopted children to the same degree. I think it comes down to each person as an individual.
You talk about this child coming from another family, having links to her family. If you are not able to embrace these fundamental concepts of adoption then you will fail this little girl. She needs emotional openess, acceptance and unconditional love. If you (her mother) cannot accept that she came to you via adoption, what chance does she have of accepting it in an emotionally healthy way.

Whether love can grow, I am not sure. Because what strikes me is you are questioning whether you can love or parent her as you would a birth child. Not can I fall in love with this child - full stop, regardless of her being adopted (if that makes sense)

I think it is normal to question our love for our children, especially if there is no sudden rush of love at the beginning - which again lots of women experience and have written about today on this thread. You seem to have the idealisation of a birth child in the back of your head, which is at the moment influencing your every thought.

Please get some urgent help and counselling. Make sure that the counsellor has experience of this situation.

I think it is extremely positive that you have been open and honest with your SW. Don't run away from these feelings, you have to listen to your gut. Counselling hopefully will help you unravel your thoughts, and whether you can resolve the situation.

I know you say that it is nigh on impossible for you to get pregnant by your husband, but you have the intent there and that in itself is very damaging and is likely to be clouding your thought processes. Please stop ttc. If you do not feel this little girl can remain in your family, then make that decision and then do whatever regarding IVF etc.

It is not fair on the little girl to have another complexity added to the situation.

I really feel for you as to feel like this must be really crap.

Good luck with your decision. Sorry about the epic post!

Some amazingly good, insightful posts on here (like doihavetoclean's). Very much hope the OP is still reading.

I do feel for you. It must be heartbreaking.

I know a woman who didn't bond with her biological daughter until the daughter was 8. The woman cared for the child, she behaved like the best mother ever but she would suffer awful guilt because she didn't feel it in her heart. But the love grew as the child grew. Maybe she couldn't connect to babies/tots?

The mother worked hard at making a bond - they had hobbies, interests etc together. And then it gradually happened. She realized she had stopped killing herself silently at not being utterly in love with her daughter.. And she had begun to really love this kid.

They are a happy family. The kid is great. Very close to her dad and adores her mother. And if you saw them out you'd never guess the therapy and tears the woman spent whilst the child was in daycare.

So if you opt for keeping your daughter - there's hope. Things change.

My youngest son was a baby who had a lot of issues and I hate to admit that I struggled to have unconditional love for him in the first year. I cared and fought battles for him, worried myself stupid. It was a dark lonely place to be. Thankfully my OH understood - he felt the same. And then it happened. The rush of love came. But I shudder at my failing to just have that unconditional love.

Good luck OP. It's a lonely journey but being honest will help.

Sorry just to add that when I asked "whether love can grow" I meant can it grow in THIS situation. I (personally) do think love grows.

Kew your posts are so heartfelt and I can feel the love for your son jumping off the page. He is one very lucky boy, and you are obviously one lucky mummy!!!!
But it does make me think if this woman has the potential to ever get anywhere near the depths of your love and feeling. Surely every child deserves that.

nolove
Were you honest during your adoption home study?

It can become very easy to be trapped into trying to say the right thing in order to get through.

Did you express your feelings about wanting a birth child? Did you talk about being uncomfortable with an adopted child having links with their birth family.

I am asking because I am wondering how you got approved or even to panel.

Again - I am not being judgemental or sarky/passive agressive. I am genuine. I want to try and understand how things have got to this stage.

This is a horrible situation.

Kewcumber what a beautiful ds you have and how full of love you seem.
OP do let us know what happens you have moved so many people and your dd is in all our hearts now.

Kewcumber - Beautifully put again. You've made me cry, it was so moving.

op,please dont offer up your raw emotions and daughter welfare on aibu.you need real life support ,assessment and a plan.pronto

no one online can see you,read a nuance,or assess your situation.and it isnt ethical or fair to do so.face to face assessment and review of social/emotional and familial circumstances is required

i think fact you posted here speaks volumes of inner turmoil and perhaps seeking a virtual pasting.and likely you will get one too

i read it as you feels
chaotic
all over place
scared
overwhelmed
and by placing in aibu - is not so unconsciously hoping for a pasting,given its robust nature

i think your judgement,mood and emotions are probably all over the place,hence the disjointed and fractured posts

i dont think you needs derision i think you and your baby needs urgent support - desperately

i hope you finds some support and dont make any hasty decisions

It is a tragedy that a baby was ever placed with this couple.

It is a tragedy that the baby was not placed with another family, better suited, as soon as the ops issues became apparent. And according to the op she has made this clear with her sw all along. She made a mistake, she should not have adopted, the baby should not have been placed with them.

It is at tragedy that the op has been given chance after chance and now is offered counselling, when all this does is make it harder for the baby in the long run. The emphasis should be on what is best for the baby, not the adoptive mother who realize she should not be a parent. At least not an adoptive parent.

Op, arent you angry with your sw for failing to listen to you, and let you continue this charade?

Some people just should not be parents. We cant blame them for that.

that is really out of order.based on words on a screen you know that?

absolute rubbish.raw emotion and ire are driving knee jerk posts like that

leave the appraisal of her and infant needs to real life staff who can see observable interactions,nuances,and corroborate accounts

not the keyboard bashers on mn

I agree QS.

SM I get my opinions from words on a screen the same way you get yours.

what a vile mob mentality.should be ashamed of selves

great posts Scottishmummy

OK, let me get my irritation out of the way first. I have a birth child and an adopted child, and I cannot TELL you how irritated I am when people say (and I have heard it many times in RL, as well as on here) that they don't believe it is possible to love them in the same way. Speak for your effin selves. I am sure it is true for many people (adoption is NOT for everyone) but it is insulting beyond words to imply that the rest of us are just pretending to love our adopted dc as our own. It also infuriates me because my adopted dc will one day hear people saying this, and wonder, at some level, if it's true...

[Breathes]

OP, I haven't got much to add to the really excellent advice you've been given by some posters on this thread. I certainly can't form an opinion on whether you should give this little girl back or not. It all comes down to whether you can move beyond your current position, and truly become her mother. It is very possible you have PAD, and that if you stop ttc and really commit to this child you will find the love grows in time (I do have friends who have adopted and found it impossible to really commit until they got over their unresolved grief about infertility, and gained the reassurance of a final adoption order). It is also possible that you are describing something very real, that will not go away: that you are one of those people who simply cannot love an adopted child as your own.

Time is not on your side, and you have to act very quickly to identify the best way forward. FGS stop ttc, and get the counselling you need. Stop hiding behind your projections about how other adoptive parents are 'really' feeling, and stop playing with semantics about how you are 'trialling' (you know you have adopted, even without a final court order). It's time to be really honest with yourself, and with your counsellor.

I would strongly advise you to PM some of the adoptive parents on this thread, or maybe start a new thread in the adoption section, if you want to talk about the way forward in a focused and constructive way. I can't speak for anyone else, but personally I would be very happy to talk further if you would find that helpful. This is not about whether you are being unreasonable; time to restart the conversation in a completely different way, I think.

The op says she does not love the baby, has not bonded, and wants to hand her back. She seems pretty clear and level headed to me.

Why is it so hard for us mothers to understand that not everybody wants motherhood?

SM - ashamed of ourselves for what? For caring about a defenceless baby who is with someone doesn't love her when there are at least half a dozen mumsnetters who would take her in a heartbeat?

imo,posts are indicative of disjointed thinking,blunted affect poor judgement

which is why she needs to get off line and have a face to face assessment and review

What wonderful posts. I hope the op takes some advice and urgently deals with her situation.

I truly hope that little baby gets the care and love she deserves. Bless her.

Unfortunately QS social services work with people and people are NOT an exact science.

It is not as simple as you make out. If only it were.

As difficult as it may be to understand, it is possible that these issues do not arise until a child has been placed. The child triggers the feelings and emotions. It is very, very difficult to predict that ALL of the time. Let me know when we have an emotion predictor, I am sure our LA will put a few on order.

I'd love another baby. (Dh is not keen to adopt, so I am not pushing the matter, and neither is he keen to foster. )I cant imagine NOT loving an adopted, or a fostered child the same way as my own. Personally, I dont know how it is NOT possible (for me) to love a child you get to know well.

Op, you need to understand we are all coming at this from all our different angles, and perspectives, which are coloured by our life experiences. And they of course differ from yours.