I just don’t think I love her - is this normal?

[nolovehere]

Ok - firstly let me start by saying that I have an adopted DD and a DSS. I am also receiving counselling from adoption UK and have an appointment with my SW who knows the score, so I am not here asking for help - I am posting in AIBU as it has high traffic and I really really want opinions so that I can have informed discussions with SS etc.

My DD was 8 months old when we adopted her (not formally adopted her yet, but she has been living with us for 6 months now). I just don?t love her, and don?t believe I ever will. Not like a child of my own.
I care for her and want the best for her but I just don?t have the bond with her that I believe real mothers have - and can?t see it ever coming.

I am trying really hard to get pregnant (my DH has the fertility problems, and I am thinking of donor sperm), and am seriously in talks with SS as to whether or not to return her to the care system. I know it would break my heart - for her - but I think in the long run we?d all be better off. I?m not really canvassing opinion on whether I should do this, as only my DH and I can make those decisions - but I guess I just don?t really believe that ANYONE can love an adopted child the way you could love a birth child.

So, as I head into these counselling sessions I think I would just be interested in other people?s opinions on that issue - she?s a lovely baby, really, which makes it harder. I like her a lot, - but like I like my nieces and nephews, or my friend?s DC - I just don?t have that motherly rush. I think if she was biologically mine, I believe it would come - but the fact that she came from another family, and will always have links to them, means I just don?t believe I will ever change my mind on this. And I can?t parent a child I don?t love.

Is this normal? I don?t know if I fully believe other adopters who say they love their adopted children like they?d love a biological one. Or is it just me, and do I have issues (that I WILL iron out. I will)

Thanks

name changed, of course!

nolovehere - I hope you are still reading, if not replying.

I can understand you feeling that you though you knew how you would feel, but not you feel differently. I think training/preparation etc are important, but it's not failsafe.

It's good you are getting counselling. You sound depressed to me too... I hope it helps you to sort things out.

FWIW - I think you do love your DD, but that you are scared that it's not 'real love' due to things you are either reading or pre-programmed to think/feel.

Answer yourself this question:

'How would I feel if I never saw her again - ever.'

What makes you a mother is this - nuturing and raising a child. You have been so blessed to be able to adopt a baby and she needs you. What if she went back and was raised in care and never adopted out again? Biological children do not cure all problems and being a mum is just hard whether you have a biological or adopted child.
I think it is great that you are being honest but don't think a biological child will make everyrhing great. This poor little girl needs her mum, she needs you, you are her mummy and how you love and raise her will make all the difference in how her life turns out. Please think really carefully.

ib sorry to have commented without knowing details

I have to also admit, I do wonder how you were able to adopt if you feel the way you do (I don't mean that horribly - sorry if it sounds so). There are so many childless couples who would have loved to have adopted your precious daughter - think about that. Please keep 'us updated.

When DD1 moved in, she was a little stranger in my house. Nothing more or less really, I honestly felt as a babysitter. But she needed me 24/7 to supervise her around all other people than me, to do all th things 10 year olds need but actually much , much more as she was emotionally not 10 at all, and couldn't be unsupervised around other kids etc.

Love came ever so slowly, not at all quickly, and it took time and it took actions. Honestly I think the actions lead to the feelings,not the other way around.

It took well over 6 months

6 months is not long enough

You are this girls mum now, and you most certainly SHOULD NOT be trying to concieve. You commit to her 110% and get counselling offered, and stop ttc.

Or give her back but I am loathe to say that as when I adopted I made the commitment from the moment they caame in the door. The only reason I wouldn't have finalised would be that the child had such severe issues they couldn't live in a family e.g. extreme violence and/or massive mental health issues. In that case the child shouldn't be up for adoption they should be getting specialist treatment in a treatment centre.

You can't replace her with a BC. Your husband can't expect to love her the same as his DC because they are two distinct people with diferent personalities etc. How can you love two individuals completely different in exactly the same way?? You can love them just as much as each other but not in the total exact same way

So yeah, this post is to say feelig like a babysitter is normal, it takes much longer than 6 months generally for love to come, but this is also a kick up the ass as it were. You can't keep ttc and wavering. Commit or don't

OP it seems to me that you spoke from the heart when you said "I wish she was mine". I think that somewhere in the weeks and months ahead, something will happen as countless posters on this thread have described that will make you realise that she IS yours. I'm sorry for your pain and I'm sorry that some are being harsh to you on here. I wish you and your baby well.

I don't think the poor dd has months and years to wait until the OP thinks she is good enough, though. If OP is going to reject her, she needs to do it ASAP while the poor baby is still young enough to stand of chance of being adopted by loving parents.

I feel very, very sad about this as my mother was adopted by parents who adored her. Wish everyone felt the same.

This is such a sad thread.

OP, there has been loads of good advice and honest stories told here yet I've mostly seen you respond to criticism (which you refute despite asking for varied opinions) or people who say what you want to here.

What do you think of the people who are simply saying that bonds take time to come for all parents, biological or not? Don't you think the same could happen for you in time?

What about the suggestions that you really work at simply being there for your daughter and put any thoughts of ttc out of your mind?

What about the fact that even if you have a biological child it won't be your DH's (so he could feel the same way about it as he does your adopted daughter), and that you still may not feel a rush of love?

I was lucky enough to feel an immediate need to protect and look after my son, but the deep, overwhelming love that I have for him now has taken time to build and strengthen. I am sure it is harder sometimes with an adoptive child, but that at the same time there is every chance of finding that love.

You are not sure, but your daughter will already love you unconditionally. Don't you owe it to her to try a bit harder?

Yes, sometimes adoptions break down and it is better for the child to move on, but that usually happens in adoptions with older or more difficult children. Not to say it can't happen with babies, but I find it very sad that you would give her back just because motherhood isn't the ideal you thought it would be. It's the same for all mothers!

You do sound a bit depressed, as others have said. I would seek counselling, put ttc out of mind and concentrate looking after this beautiful little girl who needs you. Love will come.

I read a thread the other day on here about a mum who didn't love her biological son for YEARS. I would link but can't remember what section it was in. The thread was extremely moving as she sought counselling to repair their relationship. A year after the thread began, she updated it to say she was finally in love with her little boy. This is a mum who gave birth to her child! The thread moved me to tears. She worked at the relationship. If you can do the same for the baby who's living with you, your relationship will grow too.

Best of luck.

*want to hear - I always do typos when I forget to preview.

Also want to say that I know I'm not in the same position as you but I did have IVF to conceive my DS and it was incredibly tough. Not falling pregnant after an IVF cycle is a terrible, terrible feeling. There are no guarantees. You have a baby. Embrace her.

Great post FH

I've been mulling this over all afternoon. Its a sensitive time for me (coming up to DS's birthday always makes me think more of him and his BM and they have missed out on together) and it's easy for us adopters to extrapolate our individual situations to yours.

Before DS and I had really bonded and whilst I was feeling really shit about that (I think with hindsight I also had PAD), I had kind of reconciled myself to making the best of things and yet when there were a couple of scares which made it look like the adoption might actually be off, I felt not relief but terror. Yes, I know part of it was terror at the idea of being a parent to any child being taken away forever but it made me realise how much I wanted it to go through.

To be honest I didn't entirely relax until the ink was dried on his final adoption order in the UK which was 3 years after we first met.

If you check out the pictures on my profile you will see that the idea of anyone saying that DS has my nose is laughable as not only do we look unlike we aren't even the same race! And yet people did/do! It's normally recommended for children but perhaps you should read the book often suggested for transracial adoption which goes along the line "I don't have your eyes, but I have your way of looking at things" which talks about the relative unimportance of superficial things.

Adoption is not for everyone, it isn't easy to parent a child with loss, to know that you have to be the one to help your child deal with their possible feelings of hurt and rejection and negotiate the maze of birth family if it is relevant to you. But in exchange you get the incredible priviledge of shaping a life of a child of having them look at you in complete trust and adoration and in the belief that you are capable of anything (you can tell DS is only 5 can't you!).

There are endless opinions about whether adoptive parents feel the same about their childrne as birth parents and before I bonded with DS I used to feel jealous that birth parents got a chance to know what the difference was. I feel very differently now and (don't flame me everyone) I actually secretly pity those who only have birth childrne because they won't ever know the incredible feeling of falling in love with a child for absolutely no logical reason whatsoever. It's totally inexplicable to me that probably due to the slip of an administrators pen a few thousand miles away I got to have DS rather than someone else. I still don't understand why I should love him above everything else in my life, I really don't grasp how its possible and yet it is.

DS is in every way more marvellous than it would be possible for any birth child of mine to be (but perhaps I'm biased ) and having to deal with talking to him about the woman and man who gave him his incredible smile and infectious laugh and beautiful skin is just "stuff" that I accept accept as the price I have to pay for him - like stretchmarks, saggy boobs, stress incontinence and piles.

I don;t know what is truly in your heart I think its entirely possible that you have made a horrendous mistake or that you are just scared and depressed and not bonded yet but I too would ask what Chipping said 'How would I feel if I never saw her again - ever.'

Your answer may be that simple.

oh and please be clear with yourself - you are trying to conceive. You may acept the likelihood is negligable but you are still hoping. Use contraception until you have resolved this so there is no chance not only practically but in your head too. You need a lot of head space to make an adoption work and though I didn't bond with DS quickly or easily, I was at least totally focussed on him and faking it pretty well until I suddenly realised one day I wasn't faking it any more.

I have wanted to cry reading this thread. I feel so sorry for your baby daughter.

Apologies if I'm repeating anything as I am still working my way through this thread, but has anyone asked about your DSS? This is his baby sister that you are considering sending back. Do you think it possible that you love her more than you realise and that you have been agonising over what you expected to feel and maybe haven't acknowledged that what you is real, just different?

The thing is, when your DD looks at you she sees the person who is the centre of her whole world. If you just disappeared out of her life, can you imagine how that would be to this little person who utterly depends on you?

If you can give her up, rather than put your all into being her mummy, then I honestly believe that you don't deserve her.

I don't even know your DD, but I'm itching to take her home with me.

kewcumber - great post; that's pretty much how I feel about my DD (donor conception, carried by my partner) - I once saw a great T-shirt designed for non-biological gay mums 'the only thing we don't share is DNA'...for me, legal adoption is the last missing piece - which obviously is quite different to the adoption scenario in the OP and for others who have posted so frankly and bravely about the amazing thing that they have done.

kewcumber what a fantastic reply
OP please read her reply
you will not get flamed' kewcumber - you have shown people the beauty of adoption and i think the OP needs to take her responsibilities as a mum to her girl seriously and love, love, love her and make sure she nutures and raises her to be a happy confident woman. You need to realise how lucky you are to have you daughter - get counselling and be her MUM

Me too karmabeliever - I want to scoop that baby girl up and show her love

I have a strong feeling for this baby, too. We are firmly decided on one but I'd love this baby in a heartbeat. Sounds odd as I don't even know these people! But others have said the same. I hope counselling works for you, OP. For the sake of your DD.

nolovehere - may I ask you a brutally honest question.....do you find yourself feeling resentment towards her, for any reason whatsoever (the sleepless nights, the fact she isn't a blood relation, the demands she places on you and time consumed) and is that resentment emotionally pushing you away from her?

I just say that because it's something so many people feel uncomfortable talking about, but all that hard work does put so much strain on whatever relationship you have with your adopted baby.

That poor child.

I see it like this.

Expecting to love children whenever you want with the requisite love rushes is like expecting marriages always to be intensely passionate. It only happens in stories. Real people and relationships are much more complicated, and the more you chase love the more elusive it will seem.

My counsel would be to shut up and get on with looking after the little mite, and stop seeking perfection. FWIW. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but other posters have said as much.

Just to throw something else in. I know someone who adopted and within 2 months of the child going to him they were complaining the child showed them no affection . No idea at all what it is like for children coming from the care system.

OP, you are a much better mother than many bio mothers are. Keep her. You have no idea what sort of home she may be sent to.